Filed Divorce Petition...Discovered my heart continues to break

[Mystery2Me]

Yesterday, I filed the divorce petition and discovered my heart still has places to break.

 

Truly an out of body experience, suppose the psychology term is dissasociation, it was as if I stepped outside of myself.

 

Seeing our names entangled in the legal divorce language was more than I could bear, tossing me back into the emotional tail-spin caused by D-day.

 

Today I forced myself to meet with friends which helped a bit; but even as I write this I feel broken, confused, betrayed, abandoned and angry.

 

So the fight continues to keep going....my greatest blessing in this moment is my sweet dog Cinnabelle.

 

Tonight's prayer: I don't believe God brought me this far to leave me.

[carhill]

My sympathies.

 

I can say when the sheriff showed up with our D papers, even though I knew he was coming, my heart still skipped a few beats. It was the beginning of the end of a long and substantial investment of emotion and work.

 

IME, your faithful companion (your dog) will be a pillar of support during these difficult times. I hope your resolution comes swiftly and without further rancor. Best wishes.

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Carhill,

 

Thank you very much words rich in wisdom and experience. You have my sympathies and hope it's a lovely evening for you.

 

~Wishing you sun shiny days

[carhill]

Our divorce was final a little over 2 years ago so it's water long under the bridge, but the process was something I won't soon forget.

 

The good news is that it gets better. For myself, and I'll credit my exW for it, MC helped a whole bunch. The psychological help was key to processing a number of difficult dynamics during that period.

 

If you find things to feel overwhelming, nothing wrong or weak about asking for or seeking out some help.

[ataloss8270]

Hey M2M,

 

I know how hard it can be. I was going to file, but ill be honest I didn't have the heart to follow threw with it. I decided if she wanted to end it, she can turn the petition in. And with the way she's been, I don't think her heart there yet either.

[revitup]

Good morning Mystery,I am sorry to see you hurt.It is also my thought that "God has not brought me this far to let me down now".

 

It hurts to pull out the splinter (for a short time) but if left in,that splinter could hurt forever.

 

Cinnabelle needs you,be strong.You are tougher than you think.

 

REVITUP

[dreamingoftigers]

I haven't filed for D but I have had a very tough time with my marriage overall in general.

 

I have learned that you can be happy and forward-looking, thinking that you heart won't rebreak once you take "the next" step.

 

However, I have discovered that if there's the remotest possibility that something will trigger unhappiness in an M or exiting it, it will often rebreak your heart.

 

You've probably got a few ahead of you yet. Expect them so you can plan to treat yourself as nicely as possible when you hit the wall instead if being caught by surprise or embarrassed by them.

[Act Two]

I totally understand the rollercoaster you are on and I'm sorry for your pain. I've spent the better part of 6 months in almost constant grief and sadness. I would just about think I was through it and then I would have a flashback of a simpler time (like a memory of a family vacation on the beach many years ago) and the tears would flow again. When I got the mediation report emailed to me about a month ago I felt a fresh wave of panic and grief. Sometimes those very concrete signs take everything out of the abstract and make the loss real.

 

I finally feel like I"m moving towards acceptance and have a sense of resolution. Every now and then I get a glimpse of hope that all 5 of us will end up through this, and possibly on the better side of things.

 

I hope this for you as well.

[Mystery2Me]

Good Morning Carhill,

 

Many thanks again for the support and wisdom. I completely agree that counseling is key, I have been in therapy from the beginning and it does help calm the storm.

 

It is encouraging read that life will get better, and more importantly that it is unfortunate but normal to have difficult periods.

[Steadfast]

This happened to me just a few weeks ago. I attended a funeral and when the clergy said the deceased is placed beside her loving husband and the father of her children, I realized yet one more thing stripped from my heritage. It'll be five years for me, this summer. The gift that keeps giving!

 

If you really loved and cherished your spouse, twinges of grief and sadness will continue for years to come. Perhaps for a long as the marriage lasted, or longer. What else could a normal, loving person ever expect? That's why I always say; don't feel bad about feeling bad. In time, the loss you feel will be replaced by other things. If you let it. Use the experience to examine yourself. Turn a negative into a positive by becoming stronger and wiser. For me, now? I no longer miss her, but I do regret the destruction of my family structure. The family lives on in its new form.

 

Your prayer is justified, but God is, was, and always will be. He allows the bad and the good, proving His love by giving every person freewill. And while this decision probably wasn't yours, you can choose a path that will make you part of the solution. Not part of the problem. Like my dear friend always tells me; "Make the next right." Words to live by.

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Ataloss,

 

Thank you for the uplifting post. I am extremely sorry that you are hurting and having to deal with living thru such a difficult time.

 

Until just a few weeks ago I held your current position, and at the time it was absolutely healthy and the right place for me to be. As a truthful person (not a perfect person), I could not and would not be forced move forward with a divorce that I was uncomfortable with. And STBXH said he would file and take care of it all....well clearly that has not happened

 

Instead he is out there living a double life committing adultery, but NOT admitting that 8 months ago he abandoned me and has never once looked back.

 

Well my life's truth has changed such that...I can no longer live in this prison and although it is not fair I must set myself free because he will never will.

 

Acting upon this truth has brought about a new level of pain and disappointment, but also hope for freedom and happiness.

 

Take care and be very kind to yourself.

[Steen719]

Hey Mystery,

My dogs are a source of comfort to me, also. Alfalfa (Corgi) and Darla (Golden Retriever) have been here with me through it all. I can't imagine living without pets. I walked them a lot and it helped get me out. I only worked from home then and believe me, it was a good thing that I got out. the walking has been good for them and for me.

 

I'm not sure if I will ever get "over" this, but it hurts less than it did. I grieve for what I thought I had and for a future that no longer exists. (I may start a thread about this very thing to get some feedback from those who lived this)

 

However, after the first 6 months of feeling extreme grief and sadness, I started feeling some relief and it does get better and better. I wouldn't lie and say it is wonderful, but it is better.

 

Give Cinnabelle a big hug and go do something you like to do with someone you like.

[Mystery2Me]

Dreaming and ActTwo,

 

Thank you...Thank you both for wise words. I've found since we are working without the benefit of a script or previous experience....it is impossible to anticipate the intensity of our emotions to events.

 

For instance I knew filing the divorce petition would be painful and with my therapist put together a survival plan, but again actually feeling pain is completely different from expecting pain.

 

Dreaming, you are so right about getting to a level of acceptance where triggered unhappines does not embarrass....Lol....I am perfectly comfortable with crying in public.

 

I wish both of you a lovely Sunday and a peaceful week. Thank you again.

[Mystery2Me]

Good Sunday Morning Revitup,

 

Just the right words at just the right time. Cinnabelle and I are better today, glad that I treated us to a day of pampering yesterday.

 

You are right about the acute pain, it is necessary to heal from the inside out.

 

Enjoy a wonderful North Carolina Sunday with DD14.

[Mystery2Me]

Awesome testimony Steadfast! I am happy that you and family are at a good place and able positively put things in perspective.

 

I am taking this time as an opportunity for introspection to learn, grow, and take stock of what truly makes me happy.

 

Here goes "Make the Next Right".....

[Mystery2Me]

Thank you Steen. I truly appreciate your honestly and courage to share how painful and strong the grief is.

 

I am so glad that you have Alfalfa and Darla (little rascals), indeed pets are angels and there have been so many days I would have given-up but for Cinnabelle.

 

Like you I now appreciate that "Getting Over It" is not the goal, but rather it is growing up and realizing that the ability to "just feel better" is a precious blessing.

 

Great idea you have about the thread...I think it will help.

 

Take care yourself and the little rascals!

Edited January 20, 2013 by Mystery2Me

[ataloss8270]

Hi Ataloss,

 

Thank you for the uplifting post. I am extremely sorry that you are hurting and having to deal with living thru such a difficult time.

 

Until just a few weeks ago I held your current position, and at the time it was absolutely healthy and the right place for me to be. As a truthful person (not a perfect person), I could not and would not be forced move forward with a divorce that I was uncomfortable with. And STBXH said he would file and take care of it all....well clearly that has not happened

 

Instead he is out there living a double life committing adultery, but NOT admitting that 8 months ago he abandoned me and has never once looked back.

 

Well my life's truth has changed such that...I can no longer live in this prison and although it is not fair I must set myself free because he will never will.

 

Acting upon this truth has brought about a new level of pain and disappointment, but also hope for freedom and happiness.

 

Take care and be very kind to yourself.

 

I agree with you about this. And I'm sure I will hit a point that I will just file if she keeps me in limbo for to long. But right now I'm still holding onto a little shread of hope I can see. But I know there are only 2 outcomes to all of this. And I feel its more leaning towards the D than a R. But we will see over time.

 

And I am doing my best to take care of myself and my kids the best I can. That's all I can do right now to stay healthy and happy.

[MsOptimist]

I certainly know how you're feeling. Even though I know the divorce is underway and in process, each step hurts very much. Looking at the papers and seeing our names in print alongside words that I never thought I'd see is extremely disheartening. It is a reminder of what I have been through in these past several months.

 

I'm glad you're doing better today, and hopefully we both have a smooth legal process and that we can move through the pain and onto brighter things.

[Yasuandio]

I certainly know how you're feeling. Even though I know the divorce is underway and in process, each step hurts very much. Looking at the papers and seeing our names in print alongside words that I never thought I'd see is extremely disheartening. It is a reminder of what I have been through in these past several months.

 

I'm glad you're doing better today, and hopefully we both have a smooth legal process and that we can move through the pain and onto brighter things.

 

Not to minamize your pain - just a different point of view to consider: What you are experiencing is nothing compared to hearing the divorce proceedings in a 1-3 day trial. Consider yourself getting off lucky. This is the "brighter side" of the divorce paper work. A trial is absolutely mortifying. Especially when you know it is coming, and even the aftermath - sickening.

 

Paperwork is impersonal in a way, the dirty laundry in writing. So much better, honey. Try to spin it this way when you are feeling down, ok?

[MsOptimist]

Not to minamize your pain - just a different point of view to consider: What you are experiencing is nothing compared to hearing the divorce proceedings in a 1-3 day trial. Consider yourself getting off lucky. This is the "brighter side" of the divorce paper work. A trial is absolutely mortifying. Especially when you know it is coming, and even the aftermath - sickening.

 

Paperwork is impersonal in a way, the dirty laundry in writing. So much better, honey. Try to spin it this way when you are feeling down, ok?

 

Thanks for the perspective. I do know that I have it pretty easy compared to those with kids and complicated cases. I can't imagine going through a trial - I will definitely keep that in mind when my court date approaches (for the final judgment).

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Yas,

 

You are correct, it can always be worse. Please know that I am very sorry if you had to deal with the trial process.

 

All in all this whole divorce business is just horrible no matter if it is paper, trial.....OR another of my personal experiences watching video surveillance of STBXH affair.

 

Thank goodness for therapy, because I want to work thru the junk as it comes....so I can deal and move forward.

 

Yas I hope you have a wonderful week, and be very kind to yourself.

[Mystery2Me]

Hi Ms O! Thank you for the support and encouraging words. Yas is so correct about the trial....wow! But still for ladies like us with no kids and easy property division, HURT is HURT regardless of a straight forward legal process.

 

I hope your next steps are painless as possible, and healing comes quickly.

 

To be abandoned on one's 15th wedding anniversary while out at dinner...is hard core!!!

 

Shoot, defending my PhD was more legally complicated that my divorce; but I'd rather defend everyday than deal with pain caused my the breakdown of my marriage.

 

Take care of and be very kind to yourself Ms.O!

[revitup]

Mystery2Me........Petite,no kids,PhD,Great work ethic,funny,loves dogs (Cinnabelle).

 

I just thought I would remind you of the Great things you have accomplished in your life so far.These were accomplished with no help from the STBXH!!!!!Imagine what you will accomplish now that you are smarter and tougher because of what you have endured and conquered!

 

Not one of them can be taken away from you.

 

Have a great day.

 

REVITUP

[MsOptimist]

I completely agree with revitup - both of us have a lot of good things going on regarding our professional lives and interests and character-wise. I always try to remind myself that things could be FAR worse on many fronts.

 

I look forward to the posts when we have the legal stuff behind us and we're enjoying life without all of this garbage!

[Mystery2Me]

Too right, Ms. O! Good news about dealing with the garbage that it prevents one from going back. Soon my friend...it will be Done-Did-and-Over with!

 

What a wonderful glass of champagne that will be...Cheers!!! Stay strong.