Not sure how to feel...

[Onyx]

My marriage is at its worst...

 

A little over a week ago, I heard "I don't care!" one more time from my husband, and broke. I left with my daughter and pets, and moved to my MIL's house. An informal seperation for the moment. Everyone keeps telling me I need to see a lawyer and get an agreement, but right now I don't have a job, there is a car payment due in thirty days and I have about twenty five cents to my name.

 

Chris has become a royal ass since I left, even worse then before. I told him I wanted to see what two or three months would do being apart to reassess the situation, he tells me he was going to leave for a year or more. I want child support, but he wont budge, saying that he's paying our health insurance ( which he claims is 300 per month, but I dont believe that). The man makes 800 every two weeks before taxes, which drives me insane. He says he is going to visit Hannah, but I have the sneaking suspicion that he's going to bail out, as last thursday, when he was supposed to spend time with Hannah, he ignored her.

 

I don't know how to feel. I did what I thought best .. he complained that he would leave if he had somewhere to go. I solved the problem, I had to take the burden, but now I'm just the bitch. I get mad because I never wanted to be a single parent, I never want to be in that position, nor for my daughter to be without a father. He can go back to that single life now. I can't do that. I have to be responsible for my baby, I have to be a parent and role model. Its a thankless role that leaves me wondering about many things. I cried for a great while yesterday.. I looked in the mirror, and I didn't even recognize my self. I feel like there is no individuality, nothing to define me as a person, merely a unit for providing. I just feel empty most of the time, like a vacuum.

 

I try to be happy for Hannah, but I don't know how long I can keep that act up.

 

Is it right to feel this way? Is it right to feel so... empty?

 

Onyx

[Matilda]

You're right, you are going to have to be responsible for yourself and your daughter. You are going to have to get a job, soon, so you can even have the money to file for a divorce. Your husband will have to pay child support if you get a divorce. Will your MIL, or someone else, keep your daughter while you work?

 

I think working may help you to get some of your self esteem back too, at least you won't be totally dependent on your husband. And then you can make some decisions about what would be best for your daughter. To try and work it out with your husband, or try to make the best life you can for her on your own.

 

"Is it right to feel this way? Is it right to feel so... empty? "

 

I don't know if it's "right" to feel that way, but I think it's probably a fairly common way to feel when someone is in your position. Basically, your whole world is falling apart. Fortunately, you have a precious daughter to care for, and you are not going to let it fall apart completely. Take help anywhere you can find it right now. Whether it's from MIL or your own family, you are going to need some help to get back on your feet.

 

Take care and be strong. Just remember by doing something about your situation, there is the possibility it will get better, if you do nothing it can only get worse.

[ready2moveon26]

I know exactly how you feel. When I finally got the nerve to leave my husband I was also unemployed. I am a college graduate who quit my job 3 months before I left to "take care of my family". I couldn't take it anymore either. My husband and I have been seperated now for 6 months and it does get easier, not much easier, but a little. We were really close friends for a while but he met someone else and has become a total jerk since. His new girlfriend (who is 19 and he's 27) is jealous of me and thinks him and I have something "going on" so he has been really mean to me since then. He got mad at me for telling our 3 year old daughter that it is not ok to call his new girlfriend Mom after he told her she could. Can you believe that?!?! I completely understand how you feel about being "empty", I felt the same way and still do on occasion. It isn't that I can't find anyone, it's that every time I find someone, I find something wrong with them and it gets on my nerves so badly that I can't stand to be around them for a long period of time. I don't know why I do this, it could have something to do with the fact that I don't trust anyone. It could have something to do with the fact that I do love my husband, but then again it could have something to do with something that is really wrong with these guys. Who knows?!? Anyway...you are not alone...I don't know if it is normal...but I felt it too. I did get a job and now I have a purpose (other than my daughter). You'll make it...I am.