How long do I wait??

[veryconfused82]

hey everyone- new member here. hope someone can give me some advice (no flames please!). basically, 8 months ago I started up an EA with a MM. for 6 months it was just friendship, daily phone calls, occasional lunch/coffee dates and chatting on facebook. right before christmas he admitted to having feelings for me, and i said i felt the same. we decided it would be best to cut contact as our "friendship" was never really a friendship at all, it was obviously an EA. he has been with his wife for 20 years and they have 2 girls.

 

not long after we decided to go NC, he phoned me and said he told his wife that he was in love with me. i met up with him a week later and we slept together (yes disgusting i know). his first idea was to leave the house, leave the BS and be with me, but he has since realised that idea would be bad for any new relationship between he and I. so now we are at NC again, while he tries to end his marriage in the most respectful way possible, and in the smoothest way possible for the benefit of the kids and BS.

 

this sucks for me. i love him, but i am majorly in limbo. how long can i be expected to wait? should i even wait at all? has anyone else ever been in a similar scenario? thoughts would be appreciated.

[JDP25]

I wouldn't wait because anything can happen with MM. He can have a change of heart/mind. He can fall in love with his W again or not divorce and make things work because of girls.

 

I would just move on to something else. MM and MW have a lot of baggage and BS, its not healthy. I wouldn't wait. Maybe later once the divorce was settled and everything is mutual agreement with the kids and all. Give that person some time to take a break from the change.

 

There is going to be baggage from the MM after he divorces. So I would give him time alone. Go back to NC.

[veryconfused82]

Well how exactly is he "trying" to end his marriage? What has he done to reach this goal. Has he told his spouse that he wants a divorce? Is he looking for a new place to live right this moment? Have he and his wife talked about custody arrangements and financial issues? I mean he told you that his wife knows all about you and that he loves you so why is he still at home at all?

 

I say don't wait for him. If he turns up later, fully and completely divorced, then you can reassess the situation, but for right now don't put your life on hold for a married guy. I find it very difficult to believe that he told his wife he was in love with you even before he had sex with you. Have you spoken to her and heard her side of things?

 

i haven't spoken to the W- i don't know her. however, a mutual friend of ours has, and yes he did tell her he was in love with me before we had sex (she doesn't know we have had sex). he has told her he has fallen out of love with her. they both are going to IC, and made an attempt at MC but have since thrown in the towel on that. they have also told the girls that they are experiencing some problems and there will most likely be some changes. however, at this stage they are all still under one roof. it has been about 3 weeks since all of this came to the surface. financial issues have also been discussed according to MM.

 

but thanks for the reply. i am going to try and forget him. it is hard though.

[veryconfused82]

alexandria35 gave you great advice.

 

I also doubt that he told his wife anything at all about you. Granted he might have said something about there being problems, but it wasn't anything about you. I bet your mutual friend was either lied to or told a partial truth. I'm sorry but he set you up, so you would sleep with him. He future faked.

 

Also men who are certain they are divorcing, do not attend marriage counselling, think about it. There would be absolutely no point and don't let him give you some bs story about it.

 

Waiting on a man.........is just a loss of time and only brings you pain. It's like handing yourself to him on a silver platter and saying do as you want, I'm not important and I don't value myself.

 

It will only lead to self loathing and pain.

 

 

i agree with her advice. i will not wait. however, i don't believe he set me up and that the W knows nothing about it. the mutual friend was a friend of his W and i, so she heard it straight from the W. maybe i wasn't very clear on that. anyway, here's hoping i move on with my life. NC is still going well, plus i have blocked him from my facebook so there will be no temptation. hard work, but i deserve everything i get i suppose. maybe next time i will use my head a little more.

[Got it]

alexandria35 gave you great advice.

 

I also doubt that he told his wife anything at all about you. Granted he might have said something about there being problems, but it wasn't anything about you. I bet your mutual friend was either lied to or told a partial truth. I'm sorry but he set you up, so you would sleep with him. He future faked.

 

Also men who are certain they are divorcing, do not attend marriage counselling, think about it. There would be absolutely no point and don't let him give you some bs story about it.

 

Waiting on a man.........is just a loss of time and only brings you pain. It's like handing yourself to him on a silver platter and saying do as you want, I'm not important and I don't value myself.

 

It will only lead to self loathing and pain.

 

Not necessarily. One can use MC to support and transition to divorce. This is what I did.

[jwi71]

i agree with her advice. i will not wait.

 

Not likely.

LAst month it was EA

Then love and sex and he told his W.

And now you aren't waiting and its NC.

 

Quite the roller-coaster you got on. Why are you getting off now?

 

I see nothing from what you write that gives any indication of his goal - he could be stringing you along - and its also plausible he is not.

 

So why now - you aren't even weeks into this.

 

Why not simply call him and ask?

 

however, i don't believe he set me up and that the W knows nothing about it. the mutual friend was a friend of his W and i, so she heard it straight from the W. maybe i wasn't very clear on that.

 

So if his W knows he loves you and knows about you and your MM is on the way out - why NOT call and ASK?

 

Why hasn't HE called you?

 

It doesn't make sense given what you write - I cant see a REASON why he WOULDN'T?

 

So why NC?

Who's idea?

Whats the point of HIM going NC given what you write?

 

There appears to be a non-sequitor here.

[ComingInHot]

How Long do you Want to wait?

[whichwayisup]

hey everyone- new member here. hope someone can give me some advice (no flames please!). basically, 8 months ago I started up an EA with a MM. for 6 months it was just friendship, daily phone calls, occasional lunch/coffee dates and chatting on facebook. right before christmas he admitted to having feelings for me, and i said i felt the same. we decided it would be best to cut contact as our "friendship" was never really a friendship at all, it was obviously an EA. he has been with his wife for 20 years and they have 2 girls.

 

not long after we decided to go NC, he phoned me and said he told his wife that he was in love with me. i met up with him a week later and we slept together (yes disgusting i know). his first idea was to leave the house, leave the BS and be with me, but he has since realised that idea would be bad for any new relationship between he and I. so now we are at NC again, while he tries to end his marriage in the most respectful way possible, and in the smoothest way possible for the benefit of the kids and BS.

 

this sucks for me. i love him, but i am majorly in limbo. how long can i be expected to wait? should i even wait at all? has anyone else ever been in a similar scenario? thoughts would be appreciated.

 

8 month affair on and off vs a 20 year marriage with kids. Sorry to be blunt, but what you think?

 

Also, you have NO idea if he told his wife. MOST women would gladly show their cheating spouses the door. Really if he said, I am in love with someone else, I want a divorce - He'd be gone instantly. Sorry but I think he's playing you like a fiddle. Don't get your hopes up.

[Sarabi]

For a new pair of shoes...I wait until I get paid or until I think I can get away with indulging in them by pushing my debit card to the limit

 

For a new dress...ditto

 

For a man...meh...I don't intend to spend a vast portion of 2013(or my future life) waiting for any man-why do we even have to wait for them, do they want to wait for us? The one I am involved with says he had more self worth than to wait for us sisters who didn't want him...now he's married he realises that if he had waited he could have found a good sister...

 

Oh well (I should really take my own advice here), we have 345 days left of the year to make the most of life, let us not waste anymore of our time and lives waiting on these rubbish men...(to divorce/separate/text/call/visit us etc.)

...Instead come and visit me, lets travel and have fun !!! lol

[thefooloftheyear]

For a new pair of shoes...I wait until I get paid or until I think I can get away with indulging in them by pushing my debit card to the limit

 

For a new dress...ditto

 

For a man...meh...I don't intend to spend a vast portion of 2013(or my future life) waiting for any man-why do we even have to wait for them, do they want to wait for us? The one I am involved with says he had more self worth than to wait for us sisters who didn't want him...now he's married he realises that if he had waited he could have found a good sister...

 

Oh well (I should really take my own advice here), we have 345 days left of the year to make the most of life, let us not waste anymore of our time and lives waiting on these rubbish men...(to divorce/separate/text/call/visit us etc.)

...Instead come and visit me, lets travel and have fun !!! lol

 

 

Not to be the contrarian point of view...but what the hell....

 

If the man(or woman) was honest about his situation to you, and says he/she is getting a divorce to be with that person then why is it sooo bad to wait for them to get their affairs in order?

 

I do realize that there are time limitations to anything, but it just seems like the respondents on this site are just totally against any of this type of behavior. Regardless of what anyone thinks and no matter what the circumstances are, its just not that easy to just leave a marriage(even one where there are real significant problems) on the drop of a hat and run away with the affair partner.

 

What if you decide to give up, then that person proceeds to get a divorce , you get all excited about the prospects of a "normal" relationship, but now that person resents you for not standing beside them while they work through it, and now doesnt want you?

 

Again, I do realize there are those that outright LIE about their situation and NEVER plan to get a D, those folks are scum. Im talking another deal here.

 

Again, im no expert...just another thought....(And while I quoted anothers post, these thoughts arent directed at anyone in particular)...

 

TFOY

Edited January 20, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[awkward]

How long are you willing to wait? How long does it take for a man to get a divorce, to grieve that divorce, heal from that divorce, and be ready to date?

 

Are you willing to wait that long? I wouldn't wait even for a day. After all, what I would be waiting for is a man to leave his wife. No thank you.

[awkward]

If the man(or woman) was honest about his situation to you, and says he/she is getting a divorce to be with that person then why is it sooo bad to wait for them to get their affairs in order?

 

 

How long would you wait?

[thefooloftheyear]

How long are you willing to wait? How long does it take for a man to get a divorce, to grieve that divorce, heal from that divorce, and be ready to date?

 

Are you willing to wait that long? I wouldn't wait even for a day. After all, what I would be waiting for is a man to leave his wife. No thank you.

 

I see your point..however..think about this for a minute. (and I have no idea whether you are a man or woman)

 

Hypothetical situation here...(but it could be real)

 

Lets say(to use your example) that it takes a FULL year for the divorce to be final and all affairs are in order and now that person is "available". You know you truly love this person and they love you as well, but that is the hurdle you need to overcome.

 

You decide thats too long to wait, so you tell that person "forget it-not waiting" and you toss it aside...

 

You then go and TRY to find a good mate, you might spend YEARS(decades), wasting time with a string of losers and now you cant even go back to the "affair partner" because he/she resents you for giving up on them and now has moved on and starting dating other people as well.

 

Just a thought....

 

 

TFOY

[thefooloftheyear]

How long would you wait?

 

 

Cant say for sure, I suppose it would depend on the circumstances.

 

I am a busy person (business life), so I probably would have a higher threshold than many others.

 

I guess it goes back to what I posted earlier. Just look at some of the people on this site that waste many years for people that just let them down. And these were just two single or divorced people that were free to have "normal" relationships..

 

Is it at all concievable that the person in the affair is "the right one" and you gave up on that because your clock ran out? Then you proceeded to try and find the "right one" only to waste years of your life in dead end relationships?

 

Just sayin...

 

TFOY

[MissBee]

How Long do you Want to wait?

 

That's what it comes down to essentially.

 

Some people are fine with waiting indefinitely and others are not.

 

I would continue living my life and observe his actions and see if he is doing as he says.

 

The thing is: when someone is legitimately making changes, even if it isn't over night, the progress is visible. If however, they are not, then you will pretty much feel as though you are in limbo and be confused about what's going on. That is my litmus test.

 

I was recently seeing a guy who gave me some spiel about waiting for this/that and taking time to do this and that. I understand he has to do stuff at his own pace...but not at my expense. I saw him making no legitimate changes, in fact, he regressed and I ended it because I realized that with each day nothing changed and I didn't want to end up being in the SAME position months/a year later, as I have done it before. So my suggestion is, fine, watch and see and FEEL and listen to yourself. Is he assuring you? Is he keeping you updated? Does your gut say things make sense? Are you moving closer or are things fuzzy, vague, do you feel uncomfortable etc. Then base your decision on whether to wait/not wait on actual facts.

[stevie_23]

I’ve just been reading about the OP’s situation and all the responses, and I DO believe the husband told his wife about the fact he’s in love with the OP. I believe he really is in love with her. I don’t question anything concerning that aspect of the situation.

 

However, I DO question whether he will actually go through with ending the marriage. It’s not about being married for 20 years and only being in the new relationship for 8 months. A 20 year marriage that ran its course several years ago can be a lot weaker than an intense deeply in-love new 8 month affair that could turn into a very long and happy relationship.

 

The thing that makes me wonder if he will leave the marriage is the kids. If the wife is very upset and feels betrayed, she may threaten to take full custody or something, and if he just wants an easy life and doesn’t want to have too many problems with regard to the kids, or to put them through a lot of pain, he may just stay put in the marriage even though both he and his wife know it’s not what he wants.

 

If they’re having counseling, it’d be for one of a few reasons…

 

• To finalise things. Maybe for the wife to get to the point where she accepts without a doubt that it’s over and there’s no hope, and for him to feel like he’s not just “run off” abruptly and has “tried” and finalised it properly.
  

• To try to fix it. He may have no interest in this, but his wife might and due to the kid situation above, he may go through with it.
  

• Either of the above, but it may turn out that with the counseling, his mind may change. He may realise some things and decide he actually does want to stay, and not just for the kids.
  

In terms of waiting for him to get divorced? I find this unnecessary. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t still intend to be with him and hope he DOES leave his wife, but what I mean is why must you be NC while this process happens (if it does)?

 

I understand not being too close while they try to sort out their own relationship, but some thoughts I have are…

 

• He SHOULD update you. If he is really just going through the process of ending the marriage, things should be happening and he should be keeping you updated. And he should also understand, if he loves you, that you would be worried he wouldn’t come back to you, so he should be making sure, even if it’s not frequently, that he is still with you and that he loves you and nothing has changed with his plans for you to be together.
  

• If he needs to be completely NC with you during this process…WHY? This would make more sense if he really WAS trying to fix the marriage. Or to decide whether or not TO fix it. It seems as if he isn’t 100% decided yet.
  

It would seem that…if he told his wife he was in love with you…he has told her he wants to end the marriage and be with you. So…he should remain with you during this time. Why not, from his point of view? There’re no secrets anymore in terms of his wife knowing. If he wants to be with you and is acting on it, he SHOULD feel he can be with you now. It’s not something he has to sweep under the rug or hide now. He should be standing by his statement to his wife that he wants to end the marriage and be with you, not going the other way and reverting back to what he was doing before (hiding you).

 

So…the alternate view is…he did tell his wife he was in love with you…but didn’t actually continue on to say he wanted to end the marriage. Because he isn’t sure. So…

 

In short, how long would I wait? If I TRULY believed that he was going to be with me? I’d wait for as long as it took. But I’d expect him to TALK to me in the meantime though. Not to just ignore my existence while he sorts things out. That shows I’m still not 100% real to him.

 

It also would plant much doubt in my mind the fact that he’s said he can’t talk to or be with you until he’s divorced, is that right? Divorces can take MONTHS to finalise. Why has he given this specific timeframe? Why not just until they’ve exhausted the counseling route and are now COMMENCING on the divorce proceedings? Most couples, once they make the decision to divorce, move out and get on with their lives WHILE the legal stuff is going on in the background. Many people have already got other partners when the divorce comes through (not to be lame, but Ashton Kutcher only just got legally divorced from Demi Moore and yet he’s been living with Mila Kunis for quite some time. Kim Kardashian STILL isn’t divorced from Kris Humphries and yet she’s been with Kanye West for a while and is pregnant with him.) So…WHY can’t he be with you if he REALLY is planning to leave his wife?

 

How long would I wait if I didn’t fully trust or know if he’d come to me and leave his wife? I don’t know. Probably too long for my own good, but I’d have to talk to him to find out what really was going on and then make a decision.

Edited January 20, 2013 by stevie_23

[stevie_23]

Yeah? I don’t know much about this, but that sounds about right.

 

On a different but slightly related matter to this specific aspect, my best friend was married (sort of, a lesbian marriage so not recognised in this country) to this HORRIBLE woman for about a year before they separated. The woman had a 13 month old daughter when they got together, and then my best friend had another daughter 2 years into the relationship. They’re 7 and 4 now. Anyway, this woman is living in the house my best friend bought and paid for that they both lived in for about 3 months before they broke up. The woman refuses to leave, my best friend moved out and now rents a house nearby (to be close to the kids) with a friend, has to pay all the mortgage AND the rent and this woman refuses to pay her any rent while living in her house. They’ve tried to speak to 3 lawyers but the woman screams and is completely irrational so the lawyers have all ended up saying they can’t do anything until this woman can be rational.

 

She says she will take both the kids away and not let my best friend see them if she makes her move out of the house. She legally can’t take my best friend’s biological daughter anywhere, but she CAN take the older girl, and my friend feels that they are BOTH equally her kids as well as this woman’s. So she’s stuck, pretty much.

[stevie_23]

Why would this woman "take away" the older girl when she can't "take away" the biological child? It's not like she's going to leave the biological child behind. So she's not going anywhere.

 

In any case, I don't want to threadjack. If your friend owns the house, she can evict her.

 

I know. This woman threatens to take both kids away, because she’s crazy and irrational all the time. She would be pursued by the police of course, and eventually brought back, but she’d try to take both, she’s said. She feels SHE is the proper mother of my friend’s biological child.

 

Anyway, it’s very complicated with a long and involved history I won’t go into here. Lol. No thread jacking.

[thefooloftheyear]

 

In short, how long would I wait? If I TRULY believed that he was going to be with me? I’d wait for as long as it took. But I’d expect him to TALK to me in the meantime though. Not to just ignore my existence while he sorts things out. That shows I’m still not 100% real to him.

 

.

 

You are a very understanding person...

 

I guess all I contend is that if there is an effort made and things are progressing, why throw it away because it doesn't fit the timeframe one sets in their mind?

 

What would the MM/MW expect to think if he/she went through all the trouble and pain to end his/her marriage *to be with* the AP, only to be left behind at the 11th hour because "time ran out"....

 

A divorce isnt an easy or fast process. It takes time and cooperation to proceed. Sure, it would be great if at the moment the affair participants find themselves in "true love" that one(or both), they just abandon their old lives and ride off into the sunset with their new mates. But frankly that isnt practical and usually never happens...

 

.02

 

TFOY

[SunsetRed]

for a new pair of shoes...i wait until i get paid or until i think i can get away with indulging in them by pushing my debit card to the limit

 

for a new dress...ditto

 

for a man...meh...i don't intend to spend a vast portion of 2013(or my future life) waiting for any man-why do we even have to wait for them, do they want to wait for us? The one i am involved with says he had more self worth than to wait for us sisters who didn't want him...now he's married he realises that if he had waited he could have found a good sister...

 

Oh well (i should really take my own advice here), we have 345 days left of the year to make the most of life, let us not waste anymore of our time and lives waiting on these rubbish men...(to divorce/separate/text/call/visit us etc.)

...instead come and visit me, lets travel and have fun !!! Lol

 

great advice!

[stevie_23]

“Rubbish” men. Nobody is rubbish. The situations may be rubbishy, but we are the only ones who can choose whether or not to be affected by them.

 

Sometimes (often), people will treat you the way you convey that you are willing to be treated. There is no point sitting in NC, either waiting for him to come back to you indefinitely and accepting that he will let you know when he’s ready or alternatively resenting the fact he isn’t yet ready and getting angry at him for that, if you are not willing to accept this situation. You talk to him. Work it out, one way or another. Show him that you understand what he’s dealing with, but you don’t accept this kind of treatment – going NC until…when? Who knows?

 

If you don’t want to be covered in rubbish, then don’t open the trash and climb in. lol.

[Lillyfree]

There is no point sitting in NC, either waiting for him to come back to you indefinitely and accepting that he will let you know when he’s ready or alternatively resenting the fact he isn’t yet ready and getting angry at him for that, if you are not willing to accept this situation. You talk to him. Work it out, one way or another. Show him that you understand what he’s dealing with, but you don’t accept this kind of treatment – going NC until…when? Who knows?

 

i completely agree with you that it's best to talk to the other person and work things out.

 

NC however is not a tool to work things out - NC is to keep yourself from further hurt. when nothing is left to be said, and you are not happy with the situaition, that's when you go NC.

[veryconfused82]

thanks so much for all the responses- though now i am torn. i don't want to be wasting my life waiting for something that realistically could fall through at any moment, yet at the same time, i understand a separation such as this does take time- and if i really do love him, shouldn't i stick by him? MM has said to me that not only does he want a smooth as possible separation, but time to grieve for the marriage too. for those that are continually saying that he didn't tell his wife- he did and i know that. the wife is a mess, however she is not psycho angry (yet) and is mainly just hurt that he fell in love with someone else. MM says she is not the type to withhold the girls from him or anything nasty like that. although who knows.

 

anyway, i'm starting to regret this whole NC thing. it does leave me in limbo and i'm thinking i need to talk to MM. also feeling like a goose for blocking him on facebook . the reason we went NC in the first place was because we both thought it was right that we didn't continue to see each other whilst he was going through all of this separation stuff. but perhaps i should have suggested LC rather than NC? it was a bit of a knee jerk reaction on both our parts, and pretty much leaves us both in the dark (me especially).

[Turtles]

I agree, why can't you contact him? It doesn't add up... the wife already knows so it's not like he was trying to keep the secret... I think if I am in love with someone I want to talk to them every day, not make them wait 3+ weeks while I sort things out. Did he suggest the NC or did you?

 

Id just call and ask what's going on... if he doesn't pick up or return call then you have your answer.

[veryconfused82]

I agree, why can't you contact him? It doesn't add up... the wife already knows so it's not like he was trying to keep the secret... I think if I am in love with someone I want to talk to them every day, not make them wait 3+ weeks while I sort things out. Did he suggest the NC or did you?

 

Id just call and ask what's going on... if he doesn't pick up or return call then you have your answer.

 

 

you are right. NC was a mutually agreed upon thing. he said to me we needed to stop messing around while he sorted things out (in order to be at least vaguely respectful to his W), and I took that to mean NC, so I said "so we don't have contact then?" and he said "well, do you think that's best?" and i said "i guess so" and he agreed that I was probably right. problem is, now I think i wasn't right at all. many people on this forum have made me see that. by waiting around all i will do is make myself miserable wondering what is happening. i have decided to contact him in the next few days. or even tomorrow maybe. we'll see how it goes. thanks