are we at fault for abuse by what we say?

[butterflygrl]

hey all

 

does anybody deserve physical or mental abuse by a s/o.. i have always been told that it is my fault for s/o anger .. s/o always says i bitch and nagg and im spoiled and want everything my way.. s/o has never beat the crap out of me but he has pushed grabbed me and left bruises on me afterwards.. and then after it all happens he says he didn't hurt me.. this always happens when i try to walk away when it esculating.. there is no communication with us and when it is it always turns into anger..i have a child with him and fear that he will try to take her away.. for now i just don't say a whole lot till i figure out what to do!! i am a stay at home mom and don't work .. i have some where to go but .. i know this sounds stupid but i love him !! i know i shouldn't but i do .. he has cheated before on me.. i just don't want to be made a fool again!! i never thought he would ever cheat but he did and i guess i have lost trust for him !! he is hardly here he is always gone so i started going out and he acts if he gets mad when i go .. he makes comments about me cheating all the time now that daughter has started school... i think he feels guilt for what he did in the past and he is insecure.. he says he isn't but whatever...he says i need counseling and he don't he knows what his problem is and it is me.. everything is all my fault no matter what it is.. inlaws always making comments about me all the time butting in where they don't belong.. s/o say i want material things all the time and go find someone that is better than him .. s/o calls himself a loser.. i ask him all the time why does he continue to bring my selfestem down .. he became a dad when he was young and raised the child on his own . i guess he fills as if his childhood was taken away cause he never got to do what he wanted to do.. i feel this with all my heart that me and my daughter are in the way.. he is never happy unless he is doing things for himself.. we never go on a family vacation i have taken daugter for the last three yrs by myself .. he always says we have no money.. i think i need to go get me a job or go back to school and get out of here for my daughters sake as well as mine so he can have the life he wants .. don't get me wrong he loves his daughter but i thiink it would be best!!! i want someone i can communicate with and loves me and i can love back and be happy. my husband is a good man and a provider but he don't like me saying anything to him about money or bills and if i do he says"quit trying to be my moma" he keeps the money so naturally i tell him what is due and all so whatever.. i just do my thing and he can do his!!

[moimeme]

does anybody deserve physical or mental abuse by a s/o..

 

 

[color=blue]NO[/color]

 

s/o has never beat the crap out of me but he has pushed grabbed me and left bruises on me afterwards.. and then after it all happens he says he didn't hurt me..

 

This is absolutely abuse

 

this always happens when i try to walk away when it esculating..

 

Especially so.

 

there is no communication with us and when it is it always turns into anger..i have a child with him and fear that he will try to take her away.. for now i just don't say a whole lot till i figure out what to do!! i am a stay at home mom and don't work .. i have some where to go but .. i know this sounds stupid but i love him !!

 

So did Patty Hearst fall in love with her kidnappers. It happens and is part of the survival instinct. It's not real love.

 

everything is all my fault no matter what it is..

 

Another behaviour typical of abusers

 

i think i need to go get me a job or go back to school and get out of here for my daughters sake as well as mine so he can have the life he wants ..

 

Absolutely.

 

my husband is a good man

 

No he isn't. Read all you've said above. Those behaviours are not the behaviours of a 'good man'.

 

Here are a couple of links to resources about abuse and leaving abusers.

 

http://www.thans.ca/ami.html

http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/safetytxt.htm

[Matilda]

This is not a relationship, it is not a partnership, it is not a marriage. I am sorry to be so harsh, but you need to step back from where you are and realize what is going on.

 

Is this really the life you want for your daughter? Do you want her to grow up seeing her mother abused and put down? What kind of person do you think she will grow up to be if that is her childhood?

 

Even if you don't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter.

 

Use the links moimeme provided, call the local woman's shelter for advice, and prepare yourself to get out of this situation.

 

You can do this.

[butterflygrl]

hey all thanks for the replys so good to see that i don't deserve it... yeah i know i should for her if not myself .. i have alot of thinking to do thanks again and i have seen the links .. thanks momie for the abuse links they really have helped .. ill keep ya posted on what i need to do thanks matilda

[no]

What do you do about it? See, my husband does junk like that. Blames everything on me. He tells me to just leave, so he doesn't hurt me.

 

Yesterday, however, he brought the check book, and waved it in my face, and told me that I'd spent to much money. We needed $400 to pay the carpayment, but we only had $350. I was holding the check book, and he just kept saying over and over, "What are you doing!?!? What are you doing!?!?" then he slapped the check book out of my hand, and said again, "What are you doing!?!?" I said, "I'm getting out of here." I stood up, to walk away, and he shoved me into the fireplace. I called out, "Stop!" and he came lunging after me. I took off running down the stairs, and out to the garage. I didn't have time to grab my purse, and he opened the door like he was going to come after me. I jumped in my vehicle, locked the doors, and was scrambling for the spare key that I keep for when he wigs out, and he threw a ceramic decoration at my passenger side window, hoping to break it.

 

Of course, I love this little ceramic decoration, but it's dust now. He only breaks MY things, and he only breaks things that MEAN something to me. I drove away, and ten minutes came back.

 

Things escalated again, when I demanded an apology, and when he said, "You should stop walking into walls," (making fun of the fact that he shoved me into the wall) I got up and said f**** you!" and left. As I was walking out, I yelled up the stairs "F**** YOU!!!!" and heard him running down the stairs after me. I ran out the front door, and didn't have time to grab my shoes. I thought he was in the bedroom....but he was closer than I anticipated.

 

I ran to my vehicle, and locked the doors. He came around to my side, and said, "Unlock it, or I'll bust the window." I said, "No, it'll cost too much." so he hit my drivers' side mirror, trying to break it, and walked into the house. I drove around for 30 minutes, and then came home.

 

I was doing laundry, and kept hearing this falling glass sound, so I went in search of it, and found where he'd smashed my TV. He came in, and said, "What was that noise?" I thought he was going to apologize, but he decided to be a jerk, and said, "guess you should've opened the door."

 

I said, "Ok, I'm crying, you can stop being a jerk!"

 

We had a few more words, and I decided that I was leaving for good. I was in my closet, looking for some clothes to pack, and he came in and said, "I'm sorry I broke your stuff." He tried to hug me, and I said, "Get off me! You're not sorry!" He said, "You know that I wouldn't say it unless I meant it." I said, "Yeah...I know."

 

I ended up sleeping in another room, because we can't afford a hotel bill. Staying in a hotel doesn't work anyway...I've already tried.

 

My parents live 2 hours away, so if I decide to stay somewhere else, it's a loooooooong way home. He's always saying, "Why don't you just leave!?" I feel like saying, "BECAUSE YOU MOVED ME TWO HOURS AWAY FROM ANYONE THAT I KNOW!!! YOU LEAVE!!!!!!" But I like my face the way it is already.

 

My parents said that I always have a place with them, but I can't stand the thought of living with them. They are so condescending that I'd be even more miserable.

 

I wish there was some way to get back at my husband for all he's put me through.

 

Oh yeah, when I said that he was abusing me, he said, "I don't abuse you!" I said, "I have a bruise!!!" he said, "What's a bruise...if I wanted to hurt you, I'd have done it already."

[butterflygrl]

hey no

 

i have the same thing happen to me s/o breaks all my things to and things that really mean a damn to me!! i bet if we broke something of theirs they wouldn't like it.. so did you come back or did you leave for good.. i don't know what to do anymore.. oh yeah he told me i needed my ass beat ... i don't get that.. does your s/o say that you are to blame for everything and you don't know how to talk to him and you are the problem.. my s/o does but its because he is making excuses for what he does... keep me posted as what you are going to do .. i love my s/o but enought is enough good luck and thanks for the replys

[fritziematt]

Both of these situations have many characteristics of abuse. Here is a great website for this kind of thing:

 

http://www.leavingabuse.com/powerwheel.html

 

This page has a lot of good things on it...the link is to the wheel of power and control and it might help to really let it sink in that what's going on is abuse. Read every link on the page and think about the info on it. It's going to be a long tough road for you and your kids and the first step is to realize that you need help and that what's going on isn't your fault. Abuse isn't good for your kids either...they will grow up to be just like their father or get married to a man just like him. You have a much greater risk of homicide or suicide or both...and physical violence toward you children also... http://awap.netfirms.com/mdvh.htm

 

The situation will not get better but worse...this shows how the cycle works:

 

http://www.leavingabuse.com/cycle_of_abuse.html

 

 

This may help too...it's from http://www.safehavenshelter.org/ read everything under the domestic abuse link on the left...I included one link below...

 

 

Warning Signs of an Abuser

 

Things to Watch For, and Questions to Ask Yourself

 

Is he pushing the relationship too far, too fast? Planning your future together from the

moment you met?

Does he say he can't live without you? Won't let you break up? Believes you belong to him?

Does he hate his mother and is often nasty to her? If so, chances are you will eventually be

treated the same way.

Does he always want your undivided attention at all times? Does he get jealous if you go places without him? Does he want to know where you are every single minute?

Does he always blame someone else for anything that goes wrong? Often that someone is

YOU?

Do you have to justify everything that you do or say? Afraid to disagree?

Does he break promises - all the time?

Is he extremely jealous of your close friends and family members, constantly making you

choose? When he gets a chance, does he drive your friends and family away?

Do you feel controlled because he must always "be in charge"? He can't take criticism? He is always justifying his actions? He is very competitive and always has to win?

Are you always on the alert because he has a nasty temper with extreme highs and lows (both very unpredictable)? Does he say he can't help losing his temper? Does he say it is your fault when he is in a rage?

Have you ever apologized or tried to explain his behavior to others, especially after he has

treated you badly?

Does he often criticize or insult you? Withdrawn his love and approval as a punishment?

Does he have no respect for your opinion? Is he constantly berating you and telling you that you don't know what you are talking about?

Is he often putting you down, making you feel like you are not good enough? Then,

afterwards, say, "I love you"?

Does he push you to do things that make you feel uneasy? Make you take the day off from

work or school? Try to get you to do something illegal? Want to have sex with you when you don't want to, or when it makes you feel uncomfortable?

Has he ever threatened to hurt you or himself? Have you already been pushed, shoved,

grabbed or had things thrown at you?

Is he cruel to animals?

Did he grow up in a violent family?

Has he hit a former partner?

Does your relationship with him make your family and friends concerned about your safety?

 

 

 

Just remember that you need to realize that there is something wrong on your own and that it may take a long while and may take a few tries to finally leave (my really good friend went back to her abusive ex after a while of being separated...two years or so...so I basically have lost one of my best friends now). I have one more link here about safety since leaving is the most dangerous time for the abused... http://awap.netfirms.com/mdvh.htm

 

I've really been studying this stuff for the last month to help my friend (she a really awesome woman and I'm sure the other abused women here are too!)...hopefully this info will help you to at least think about what's going on and at the most begin the process of leaving...

 

Good Luck! My prayers are with you and your kids!

 

~Matt

[butterflygrl]

hey matt

 

thanks for the reply and the websites .. i am really in turnmoil as what to do .. i know i have to make a decision and if things never will get better than i need to leave .. thanks

[fritziematt]

Hi again...

 

I know it has to be tough to make these decisions. You have to go at your own pace but make sure that you at least have a safety plan...you need to stay safe! If you stay make sure to document what has been happening so that you will be able to show in court that he's abusive. (tapes from answering machines, police reports, etc...) Most of all find a women's shelter in your area and ask them for advice and help even if you don't want to leave yet. They have a lot of things they can help with.

 

Be strong and be safe...and remember that there are people that care about you!

 

~Matt

[Matilda]

To no:

 

You are being abused, plain and simple. People like your husband are not reasonable people. And they always say they are sorry, and it will never happen again.

 

Do you really want to live like that?

 

Go to your parent's house, it is better to have them be condescending to you, than wind up in the hospital, or worse.

 

Call the women's shelter and get their advice on the best way to proceed.

[no]

butterfly, you said that he is a good guy. moimeme said that he's not a good guy.

 

My husband is a great guy! It's just when something makes him upset, he dwells on it, until he's about ready to blow up, and then when he gets to that point, he gets so enraged that he doesn't control himself. He claims that he can't control himself.

 

He'll start to get angry at me, and tell me to leave. He DEMANDS that I leave. I don't like being ordered around, so I'll usually fight back with, "Why don't you leave!"

 

He's explained to me a couple of times that when he demands that I leave, he's doing it for my own protection, because he's afraid he'll hurt me. I ask why he doesn't leave, and he said that it's because he knows if he moves that he'll break something, or end up walking up to me and hurting me.

 

I stayed, butterfly. I know that if I do decide to leave him, that I'll just come back, so why waste money on a hotel, or lose my job to live with my parents for a month, when I know that I'll just come back!? So I stay.

 

People who aren't in abusive relationships don't seem to understand that we don't love the abuser, we love the other person that they are. We love the person we fell in love with. The one who makes dinner, and cleans house, and has a special pet name for us, and calls us at work to ask us to pick something up for dinner, and who has intimate jokes with us, and who holds our hand when we go to a resteraunt.

 

That's the person I love. I don't love the enraged demon he becomes when he gets angry. He says he can't control himself, but I belive he can, he just doesn't. When he'd shove me, I used to slap him across the face. The turning point was when he started coming after me. I'm afraid that he'll REALLY hurt me now, so I just do my best to leave. Driving helps me to calm down, because when he lashes out at me, all I want to do is destroy everything he owns. That's irresponsible though, and I'm not willing to stoop to his level any more.

 

He breaks my stuff all the time!!! I used to break his stuff, but it escaladed to when I break his stuff, he shoves me, and I end up with a bruise.

 

When he broke my TV, I went through the house and threw everything that he could possibly break to hurt me away...pictures, love letters, little things he gave me, nick nacks we got as wedding gifts. I had one little angel statue that I got at my Grandmother's funeral that would absolutely crush me to lose, so I took that to work, and put it in my office.

 

Also, I keep a bag packed in my vehicle. Just a change of clothes, a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a case for my contacts. I had one before, but he'd gotten so much better, that I took it out of my vehicle about two weeks ago. When this last incident happend, I wish I'd had it.

 

I haven't slept in the same bed as him all week. I just don't want to be near him. He, of course, is dying to make up, but I refuse, saying that it's easy for him to want to make up, because he's not the one who's heart got broken.

 

When I showed him the bruises on my arms from the fall, the look on his face showed me that he felt like a horrible monster for doing that to me, and he wrapped his arms around me, but I wouldn't hug him back, and of course he started crying. He wasn't fake. He truely regrets doing this to me, and when I asked him straight up if he thought this was abuse, he, for the first time ever, admitted that yes, what he's doing is abusing me. He then said that I need to stop instigating it, because he's not willing to get professional help.

 

HELLO! I didn't instigate anything when I got shoved. Yes, sometimes I will run my mouth when he does something stupid, but I told him that I've done EVERYTHING in my power to not set him off. I spend my life walking on egg shells around him, but he still loses it, so there's nothing else I can do. I'm human, and I'm going to get on his nerves, so it's up to him to straighten up.

 

I told him that the consequenses aren't big enough yet. I stopped hitting him, when he started shoving me back. Now, he continues. I said, "If we agree that I call the cops the next time you hurt me, will that make you not do it again?" He said that if I call the cops he'll lose his job, so I asked again if that would make him not do it, but he never gave me an answer.

 

He never promises not to do it again. He knows as well as I do that he will!!!

 

He's so stupid, he thinks it's gotten better. He said, "I used to shove you all the time." I said, "I know, but you're averaging breaking 3 things a week!!!!"

 

I also get so angry that whenever he breaks his OWN things, like his VCR, he has it replaced within 3 days. However, he got mad at me when we moved recently, and broke MY VCR, and I had to wait until "we got the money to replace it"

 

Funny how he gets to break and get new stuff, but when my stuff gets broken, I have to wait.

 

EW THAT MAKES ME MAD!!!

 

He doesn't understand that though. He says, "You never use your VCR!" I say, "THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!! YOU GOT A NEW ONE RIGHT AWAY, BUT I HAVE TO WAIT!!!"

 

He just doesn't understand WHY I'm angry. I'm not angry that I don't have a VCR, I'm angry that HE broke my VCR. I'm angry that the man I love broke my VCR just to hurt me.

 

We haven't slept in the same bed since this happened, and I think I'm going to tell him that I'm not going to kiss him, or sleep in the same bed with him until my TV is replaced.

 

He's been the perfect husband, but when he loses it, it's all over, and he has to start from scratch.

 

I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do. I don't like living my life always in fear that he's going to blow up if I say the wrong thing.

 

We just woke up from a nap, and he was happy as a coon, and telling me to order pizzas. I order the pizzas, and next thing I know, he's demanding to know where all the money went, and shoving me into a fire place. That's how fast it happens.

 

So I don't know what to tell you. We don't deserve the crap we get. As far as I'm concerned, he acted out just to hurt me, I'm hurt, so I'm going to just be hurt until I feel like not being hurt any more. I'm going to talk about it every time I talk to him, I'm not going to love on him, and I'm not going to spend any unnessesary time with him. If he wants to make up, TOUGH! He should've thought about that he's not going to spend any time with me for a while, BEFORE he gave me this giant bruise.

 

Which I'm not hiding, by the way. If someone at work asks me where I got it, I'm going to tell them. I'm not covering for him. If he wants to be a giant ass, and not do anything to get better, then I'm going to let everyone know that, Hey, I'm married to a giant ass!!!

[no]

Every time he does something abusive to me, I write it in a diary. I bought a camera, and I take pictures of my bruises, and the broken stuff to back up what I wrote in the diary. I date each entry, to keep track of how often the abuse occurs.

 

That way, when I do finally divorce him, I have evidence of when it happened, what was said, and what was done. I even write down what I said, to show that yes, I fought back, and he got physical. I'll write if I hit him, or if I broke something, but since I've stopped doing that, it shows that he's the abusive one.

 

He admitted that he's abusive, but he doesn't want to do anything about it. Just says, "Don't instigate fights." Blaming it on me. I know it's not my fault. I know it happened. I know he's abusing me. So I keep a bag packed, I keep a key in my vehicle, I keep a diary of everything he does, I take pictures, and when I decide that once again, I'm not leaving, I come on here, and talk about it, and vent about it, and try to help other people in the same situation.

 

I don't KNOW your situation. My husband isn't a monster. His temper is a monster. He ALLOWS his temper to control him, and does things that he regrets. I want him to get help, but he refuses. I know it's abuse. I know it's not my fault. I'm not going to take responsibility for something he does. He's a human, and I can't control him.

 

I never forget either. If it crosses my mind while we're snuggling on the couch, I don't dismiss it. I get up, and get away from him, because I remember the monster that I dealt with. I don't "instigate" If he gets angry, I get away. I don't try to make him calm down, and I don't protect things. If he breaks something, I replace it. If he breaks his own stuff, I throw it away. If he breaks something of mine (like my VCR) I bring it up CONSTANTLY, until he buys me a new one. I would go buy one on my own, but if I did that, I risk his temper, so I just nag him about it.

 

I don't know what to tell you to do. If you can leave, leave. If you're like me, and know that you'll just come back, then why bother? Don't leave, just take steps to protect yourself. Keep a diary, take pictures, tell him how it makes you feel, and if you don't want to be close to him for a while after it, DON'T. Don't hug on him to keep him from getting angry. Tell him that he intended to hurt you, and he suceeded, so now he's just going to have to deal with it.

 

Keep your packed bag, diary, and pictures discreet. Don't let him know about them, or he might destroy them. Also, if he's moody, keep your vehicle OUTSIDE the garage. I learned that the other day. I wanted to drive away, and he kept closing the garage door, so I couldn't get out. I finally made him so angry that he said, "FINE! LEAVE!" and I got out of there. I'm starting to think that the garage is a trap, though, and I may want to start parking outside

[no]

Is he pushing the relationship too far, too fast? Planning your future together from the

moment you met?

 

Yes

 

Does he say he can't live without you? Won't let you break up? Believes you belong to him?

 

no

 

Does he hate his mother and is often nasty to her? If so, chances are you will eventually be

treated the same way.

 

Yes

 

Does he always want your undivided attention at all times? Does he get jealous if you go places without him?

 

Yes

 

Does he want to know where you are every single minute?

 

no

 

Does he always blame someone else for anything that goes wrong? Often that someone is

YOU?

 

Yes

 

Do you have to justify everything that you do or say? Afraid to disagree?

 

Yes

 

Does he break promises - all the time?

 

Yes

 

Is he extremely jealous of your close friends and family members, constantly making you

choose? When he gets a chance, does he drive your friends and family away?

 

Yes and no. He doesn't like my family or my friends, but he doesn't make me chose.

 

Do you feel controlled because he must always "be in charge"? He can't take criticism? He is always justifying his actions? He is very competitive and always has to win?

 

Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoever wrote this must know him.

 

Are you always on the alert because he has a nasty temper with extreme highs and lows (both very unpredictable)? Does he say he can't help losing his temper? Does he say it is your fault when he is in a rage?

 

Are you kidding me!? YES!!!!!

 

Have you ever apologized or tried to explain his behavior to others, especially after he has

treated you badly?

 

Sometimes

 

 

Does he often criticize or insult you? Withdrawn his love and approval as a punishment?

 

Yes

 

Does he have no respect for your opinion? Is he constantly berating you and telling you that you don't know what you are talking about?

 

Yes

 

Is he often putting you down, making you feel like you are not good enough? Then,

afterwards, say, "I love you"?

 

Yes

 

Does he push you to do things that make you feel uneasy? Make you take the day off from

work or school? Try to get you to do something illegal? Want to have sex with you when you don't want to, or when it makes you feel uncomfortable?

 

No...

 

Has he ever threatened to hurt you or himself? Have you already been pushed, shoved,

grabbed or had things thrown at you?

 

Yes

 

Is he cruel to animals?

 

Sort of

 

Did he grow up in a violent family?

 

He refuses to talk about them.

 

Has he hit a former partner?

 

He says no...but he was always beating his little brother up...and he thinks that so funny.

 

Does your relationship with him make your family and friends concerned about your safety?

 

Pft...if it does, they don't let on...I guess they think that if it was too bad, I'd leave.

[moimeme]

My husband is a great guy! It's just when something makes him upset, he dwells on it, until he's about ready to blow up, and then when he gets to that point, he gets so enraged that he doesn't control himself. He claims that he can't control himself.

 

And this is precisely why he's not a good guy to live with. He's probably right. Violent people tend to have their executive functions (those controlled by frontal lobes) malfunctioning - including the ability to inhibit violence.

 

He's explained to me a couple of times that when he demands that I leave, he's doing it for my own protection, because he's afraid he'll hurt me. I ask why he doesn't leave, and he said that it's because he knows if he moves that he'll break something, or end up walking up to me and hurting me.

 

Great.

 

I stayed, butterfly. I know that if I do decide to leave him, that I'll just come back, so why waste money on a hotel, or lose my job to live with my parents for a month, when I know that I'll just come back!? So I stay.

 

You are taking your life into your hands.

 

People who aren't in abusive relationships don't seem to understand that we don't love the abuser, we love the other person that they are. We love the person we fell in love with. The one who makes dinner, and cleans house, and has a special pet name for us, and calls us at work to ask us to pick something up for dinner, and who has intimate jokes with us, and who holds our hand when we go to a resteraunt.

 

Guess what, kiddo. I was in an abusive relationship. And the point is that despite the good qualities, these people are dangerous to live with. They beat people and sometimes they kill people. And that is why you must leave.

 

He says he can't control himself, but I belive he can, he just doesn't.

 

See above. There are two studies being done of violent criminals that show that the frontal lobe defects are likely to contribute to the violence. Basically, the brakes that stop most people from being violent when they get mad are broken in your guy.

 

He breaks my stuff all the time!!! I used to break his stuff, but it escaladed to when I break his stuff, he shoves me, and I end up with a bruise.

 

Do you expect him to change?

 

.

When he broke my TV, I went through the house and threw everything that he could possibly break to hurt me away...pictures, love letters, little things he gave me, nick nacks we got as wedding gifts. I had one little angel statue that I got at my Grandmother's funeral that would absolutely crush me to lose, so I took that to work, and put it in my office

 

Aren't you a great pair!

 

When I showed him the bruises on my arms from the fall, the look on his face showed me that he felt like a horrible monster for doing that to me, and he wrapped his arms around me, but I wouldn't hug him back, and of course he started crying. He wasn't fake. He truely regrets doing this to me, and when I asked him straight up if he thought this was abuse, he, for the first time ever, admitted that yes, what he's doing is abusing me. He then said that I need to stop instigating it, because he's not willing to get professional help.

 

Did you read any of the links. This is CLASSIC behaviour of the abuser - from the real grief to the blaming of the victim.

 

I told him that the consequenses aren't big enough yet. I stopped hitting him, when he started shoving me back. Now, he continues. I said, "If we agree that I call the cops the next time you hurt me, will that make you not do it again?" He said that if I call the cops he'll lose his job, so I asked again if that would make him not do it, but he never gave me an answer.

 

He CANNOT control himself.

 

Do you not comprehend that this is no way to live? What do you think - that some magical fairy will come and wave a wand and everything will change?????

 

We just woke up from a nap, and he was happy as a coon, and telling me to order pizzas. I order the pizzas, and next thing I know, he's demanding to know where all the money went, and shoving me into a fire place. That's how fast it happens.

 

And you love living like this?

 

So I don't know what to tell you. We don't deserve the crap we get. As far as I'm concerned, he acted out just to hurt me, I'm hurt, so I'm going to just be hurt until I feel like not being hurt any more. I'm going to talk about it every time I talk to him, I'm not going to love on him, and I'm not going to spend any unnessesary time with him. If he wants to make up, TOUGH! He should've thought about that he's not going to spend any time with me for a while, BEFORE he gave me this giant bruise.

 

What the hell are you doing living with this guy???????????

[moimeme]

He admitted that he's abusive, but he doesn't want to do anything about it. Just says, "Don't instigate fights." Blaming it on me. I know it's not my fault. I know it happened. I know he's abusing me. So I keep a bag packed, I keep a key in my vehicle, I keep a diary of everything he does, I take pictures, and when I decide that once again, I'm not leaving, I come on here, and talk about it, and vent about it, and try to help other people in the same situation.

 

Why are you staying???

 

I don't KNOW your situation. My husband isn't a monster. His temper is a monster. He ALLOWS his temper to control him, and does things that he regrets. I want him to get help, but he refuses. I know it's abuse. I know it's not my fault. I'm not going to take responsibility for something he does. He's a human, and I can't control him.

 

I don't know what to tell you to do. If you can leave, leave. If you're like me, and know that you'll just come back, then why bother?

 

Why go back? Do you not realize that you're in danger? Why go back? Please figure this out -- actually, call a domestic violence line and get help.

 

Don't leave, just take steps to protect yourself.

 

This is VERY BAD ADVICE from someone who is doing all the wrong things in an abusive relationship.

 

WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STAYING??????????????????????????????????

[no]

I don't freaking know why I stay!!!!!!!!!!!! Jeeze, get off my back. I don't know if she's ready to leave or not. I'm not. I like my house, I like my job, I like my vehicle, and I like him sometimes. I don't feel it's bad enough to leave yet. I don't feel that all options have been tried.

 

I love him sometimes. It's hard to leave the man you love. I don't love him when he's abusing me, but I love him when he's not. I know it's not safe, and I don't advise anyone in an abusive relationship to stay, but how can I tell them to leave when I'm not ready??? So I try to help them come up with ways to protect themselves.

 

You said he can't control it. If that's the case, then how do abusers change?

[fritziematt]

Hey No...

 

Take a look at this again...

 

 

 

It sounds like you are being smart and documenting everything. It will probably take you a while to leave but it happens in steps...it's a process. Remember to only do what you are comfortable with and don't rush things. I suggest that you try to get therapy with your husband. That way you will know if he actually will change. Also be sure that he is serious about changing and not doing it to keep you under his control longer. Therapy can help if both sides are serious about change...unfortunately that never really happens.

 

Just remember to stay safe most of all! It will only take one time where he could lose his temper and severely hurt or kill you...even if it's an accident and he's a nice guy afterwards. It will only take one fall down the stairs or one pull of a trigger or one stab of a knife in an enraged state for your life to end. That would a real waste. I'm going to school for forensic science and trust me it happens all the time (people often don't see the aftermath of things like this and never think it will happen to them)...death it's not a nice picture usually...especially cases involving rage and people who are closely involved with each other like family and spouses...

 

STAY SAFE and call a shelter and ask them for advice on your situation...they can help even if you don't want to leave now...

 

~Matt

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by no

You said he can't control it. If that's the case, then how do abusers change?

Sometimes it happens in prison.

 

You need to get away from someone who threatens your life and makes you miserable. In some courts, you'd be justified if you put a bullet through his head. All I'm suggesting is getting the hell away from him.

 

You can still love him, but you need to do it from a safe location where he has no contact with you whatsoever. Some love is unhealthy, this one threatens your life.

[Matilda]

I was also married to a man who abused me. The physical abuse to me personally happened once, and I told myself at that time, that if it happened again that was it. In the mean time, I found out I was pregnant. (I was not trying to get pregnant, but my birth control failed.) He went to counseling, I went to counseling, we both went to counseling together, to try and save the marriage for our child.

 

During this period of about a year and a half he did not abuse me physically, although he still had his very bad temper, and would throw things, like furniture. The second time he abused me physically was in front of my very young daughterer. That was it. We were done.

 

He went on to marry 2 more times, and was abusive in both of those relationships. I know because I talked to his ex-wives.

 

He is still an okay guy when he is not mad, but when he is mad it is like he is a caged animal. A whole different look on his face and in his eyes.

 

I did not want to live my life like that, and it wasn't the kind of life I wanted for my daughter. I have never once regretted my decision to leave. It has been over 10 years, and I have remarried, to a calm, wonderful man, who respects me. And I respect him.

 

So you see, I do understand.

 

I thought he would change, I had these grand ideas that I would help him change. Wrong. You are not responsible for your husband's behavior, he is. The only one who can change his behavior is him.

 

You make a choice about the way you want to live your life. I would say to you, at the rate you're going, if you want to live it all, you better leave. Make a pact with yourself, set a time limit, and have some respect for yourself.