Help!

[Sonya]

I found my father very unaffectionate as I was growing up. He could sometimes be quite cruel verbally. I am now 30, and realized I still have problems.

 

I can trust partners quite a lot. But there is always a little voice in my head, which is concerned that I may get hurt by them. Every now and again I will say something cruel. I will sometimes read the worst motive behind their actions, when maybe they were just being inconsiderate or had other things on their mind. I guess I'm just scared of being hurt by them, as I was my father, and go "on the attack".

 

I don't want to be like this, and don't want to treat others like this, but I don't know how to fix it. Any suggestions?

 

P.S. I tried counselling and hypnotherapy a while back for a problem with a relationship, but this doesn't seem to have really got to the bottom of it.

[Tony T]

You seem to have a lot of insight. You are the ONLY one who can control your thoughts, your behavior and what you say.

 

Wounds from a neglectful or abusive parent run very deep and often cause damage that can last a lifetime. But when you realize that you only have one life to live and you better get your act together before it's over, chances are good that you will change your thinking.

 

Before anything good can happen, you will have to process out all the repressed anger you have for your father for hurting you so. You will have to get this anger to the surface, neutralize it, and forgive it. You can get help for this from a highly qualified counsellor or from books on Dysfunctional Families or Anger at a good bookstore.

 

You've got a lot to work on. Get started today!!! There are no words I can write here to give you any shortcut. A lot of work is required of you.

[Deejette]

Breaking out of destructive habits takes a lot of work, or they will keep repeating themselves. You are actually recreating an situation whereby the man could possibly leave you because of your treatment of him and then you could prove that you are right: That all men are cold and will abandon you emotionally.

 

Therefore, even though you have tried counseling, it is not enough to just try it. It may take a few years of concerted effort. It took a while for this behavior pattern to establish itself and it will take a while to get rid of it. Counseling is like brushing your teeth, it's not finished forever after a finite number of sessions. You've got to go back and do it again and make progress little by little.

You seem to have a lot of insight. You are the ONLY one who can control your thoughts, your behavior and what you say. Wounds from a neglectful or abusive parent run very deep and often cause damage that can last a lifetime. But when you realize that you only have one life to live and you better get your act together before it's over, chances are good that you will change your thinking. Before anything good can happen, you will have to process out all the repressed anger you have for your father for hurting you so. You will have to get this anger to the surface, neutralize it, and forgive it. You can get help for this from a highly qualified counsellor or from books on Dysfunctional Families or Anger at a good bookstore.

 

You've got a lot to work on. Get started today!!! There are no words I can write here to give you any shortcut. A lot of work is required of you.