How to Forgive?---coming to the realisation that your parent is limited.

[unimoko]

Okay I finally have come to the realization that my Dad has issues of his own. During my childhood he was always in my life PHYSICALLY, but not emotionally. I did everything conceivable to get his attention; I hung out with the wrong crowd; numerous run-ins with the local authorities; sexual promiscuous--and the whole time he just wanted to be left alone and relax in his room after a long day of work. I am 22.5 yrs old now and I did not know how that I impacted me as a adult now. I have a death wish against myself---having unprotected sex, dating married men, dating all types of losers, getting in dangerous situations, seeking friendships with other types of emotionally disengaged people.

 

Just recently I have been faced to acknowledge that it all really stemmed from the lack of love that I received from my father. My father is just who he is and that hurts to realize that but what can I do?

 

He always surprises me with the things that he does. Last week Thursday he calls my cell and says hey how are you doing. I say "fine, what's up" my father says "I am in California* now and I will be in DC on Friday"

Wait a minute---I think to myself. You live in Maine* and why are you in Florida?

"Oh that's nice---you will be up next week" I say "No," he replies "Tommorow"

Okay I want to bear in that I haven't spoken to him in 2 weeks and have no idea what is going on in his life and he wants to stop on my doorstep with less than 1 day notice.

I say Dad--you have to give me notice when you see me. He says "Sorry...I have to go right now my flight just arrived (he is in the airport), I'll call you back" He never did. I called him on Sat. and he says " I stayed at your Tom (my eldest brother's house (he did not inform myself or my other brother *Derek) about his travel plans. All of my siblings live in the DC area.

"I am fine unimoko, I am now in Richmond seeing relatives, I will return to Maine tommorow"

I say "Dad...what is going on with you, I feel that I don't know you. ..you always drop by un-announced, are distant with your feelings, and I don't even know the family you talk about"

"Well you know unimoko as long as you have known me I have never been open with my feelings--that's just me. Come to Richmond and we can see each other on Sunday (again less than 1 day notice)"

He knows that no one would accept less than one days notice..

I say let me call Derek (he can't drive) and we can see. I call Derek who gets VERY mad and says I didn't know he was in the area, "You can do what you want but I REFUSE to see him, he can't even call his son"

I call my father (his cell is turned off) and say that I will unable to join him. He never called back.

 

So this is my problem---how can I forgive my father for who he is and move on with my life.

[quankanne]

growing up is a bxtch, isn't it? Nothing's black and white anymore, and the shades of grey are often pretty scary because you don't want to make the wrong move!

 

from what you've posted, it sounds like you understand your dad (emotionally distant from you when you were younger) and your realize what kind of impact it had on your life (your lifestyle choices). This is where you're gonna have to let go, kiddo, and start thinking of yourself on an adult to adult level, even though he's still your parent. You're gonna have to realize that you are responsible for your actions, not him.

 

it's hard to forgive someone when you know that they have the capability to hurt you over and over, but sometimes YOU have to be the one to set the example -- even for a parent! And you're going to have to pick your battles wisely; while these things bother you, it's not an issue where you must remain inflexible ...

 

my suggestion is to get hold of your dad (a letter works fine, because a person pretty much can't ignore what's written the way he or she can tune out a conversation). Tell him that while you would love to have seen him the different times he was in the area, it would work out much, much better if you'd had a bit more advance notice so that you could plan a special day with him. Help him to understand that it's not about you not wanting to see him, but that you've got obligations (work, other commitments) that you often can't drop just like that. The quicker you establish yourself as an adult, the faster the dynamics of your relationship changes with your parent.

 

actually, it's pretty heartening to hear that your dad even contacted you to let you know that he was in the area and was interested in seeing you. to me, that says he's trying to reach out, even if he is going about it a bit clumsily.

[unimoko]

actually I had to call both times to find out where he was

[neener]

Sounds to me like your well on your way. There are far worse kinds of fathers then one that is emotionally unavailable to you. The first step for me was accepting the fact that my Dad did the best he knew how to do, after that it was easier for me not to expect anything from him. I am no longer disappointed when he doesn’t call, I don’t get angry anymore when he doesn’t remember mine or my children’s birthday’s, and when he does remember it’s just a nice bonus.

 

There is no way to avoid the fact that we all are products of our upbringing. I’m the biggest flirt in the world, next to my sister anyway, we watched our father pretty much ignore the existence of our mother and all of us kids while the check out girl at the grocery store got the attention this went on during my parents entire 24 year marriage. Taking notice of the choices you make and why is never easy. It was quite the eye-opener for me when I noticed that I had tried so hard to not become my mother (I was never going to be treated that way) that I have become my father. I guess what I’m saying is you’ve all ready figured out why you do the things you do (you can’t change who you are), all you have to do is take those same reasons why and turn them into the reasons why you make better choices for yourself. I hope that makes even a little bit of sense.