Maybe retroactive jealousy? Maybe something else?

[DazedConfusedEtc]

I've been doing a lot of reading around here and I joined in the hope that maybe someone can help me find some prospective because I'm at a loss.

 

I've been dating my bf over a year, he's just amazing and so kind and so wonderful. Until right before I started seeing him I was in a complicated relationship with someone that left a lot of emotional wreckage, he was manipulative and emotionally abusive and cheated on me and piled lies on top of lies and blamed me for all of it.

 

Things with my new bf started out as casual, although i think we both knew it would lead to something more. Still, in the beginning, he told me a lot of stories about his past, and basically until he met me he was sleeping around a lot. I'm talking about 25 women a year. He had them on this revolving schedule, they werent one night stands but women he met with regularly. Several of them remained his "friends" after they stopped dating.

 

I get why my bf slept around, he was religious and nerdy and married a woman who was awful to him when young, and he felt that he had to take it to the other extreme in order to find a middle ground.

 

I know my bf wants to be with me and only me. After 4 months together we moved in with each other, which is something that neither of us had ever done before with anyone. We're together all of the time, we've had many conversations about what we want and how we see our futures, we know each others families and friends, I know this is the man I want to marry. I am sure of it. This is the man that makes me happy.

 

Except for one big thing -- I'm having major problems accepting his past. He told me all of these torrid stories, and it's partially my fault because I apparently am a glutton for punishment, and I often asked, once I knew some I wanted to know more. He has several friends who he's slept with that are genuinely his friends, and the ones that aren't he stopped speaking with, and he did this for me. He really is making efforts, he also removed all of his ex **** buddies from FB and women he had added in the past intending to ask them out but he never did. But I hate being in a room with multiple women who have been intimate with my boyfriend. It disgusts me to find out about how he slept with women because they were there. This will sound terrible and I know that I may be a terrible person for saying this but it really bothers me that many of them were very unattractive. He used to have sex with fat chicks because "they try harder." He had a group sex experience that sounds awful and demeaning to women. I can't even go on because it will make me cry. And i find myself obsessing, wanting to know more about these women, looking at pictures, thinking about what it was like. It makes me sad and it makes me sick to my stomach and it makes me disgusted and it makes me angry and it makes me feel ashamed and undesirable and dirty.

 

Admitting all of this only makes me feel worse, i know that at this point this is my issue, I want to allow myself to be happy with this man and enjoy a shared future but instead I am stuck in his past, even though he's moved on. I don't know what to do anymore:(

 

Thanks in advance for any feedback

[GSB81]

I see that you have 2 issues in your post.

 

1. You feel like you are "less than" because your man has a history of banging ugly chicks. I don't see why this is an issue. Aren't you glad that you are more attractive than the others? I don't see how you'd feel any better if they were way hotter than you.

 

 

2. This guy banged his friends and they are still around. I have been in your shoes with girls I've dated and honestly I can't handle it. If I were dating this amazing girl and suddenly found out that she'd slept with a friend or friends that she /we hang out with, and I'd end it. It's too awkward for me. I don't see why people have to remain in contact with everyone they've ever banged. If you can't get over this and he won't stop hanging out with them, it will ruin your relationship. It's hard to deal with, I know.

[loversquarrel]

First of all, I don't believe having concerns about someone's past is always about retroactive jealousy. IMO - I think it also has to do with feeling comfortable with someone who has the same shared values as you do. Now if you have a similar past, then you really can't complain. If you don't, I don't blame you at all for feeling the way you do. It's your gut and it doesn't feel right for a reason.

 

The following is just a part of my experience - Every woman I have been with that has had quite a past, tends to have problems lurking beneath the surface. Every male friend I have that has quite a past also tends to have problems lurking beneath the surface. People like this tend to wreak of instability. Be cautious, I'd give it some time before exchanging vows.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

Thanks for your replies!

 

Regarding the ugly chicks, I've asked him about a couple of them and he told me he was attracted to them. It just makes me feel like when he tells me I'm beautiful, it has no weight, I'm as beautiful as a bulldog. I know I'm an ******* for feeling that way but I do. I'm in recovery from an eating disorder and while with my bf I've been able to beat this thing after 12 awful and painful years. He has been so supportive and wonderful but I guess I've become too reliant on him for affirmation:(

 

He doesn't spend muh time with these female friends and anyone with history he hangs out with me. It's really not that I don't trust him. I know I'm being totally irrational (and thinking more like a man than a woman) but I'm territorial. I hate hate hate the thought of another woman having sex with my bf. and I know intricate details that I don't want to know and the worst is meeting someone and a month later finding out she's buttsex chick or something. I don't like that every time he introduces me to someone female I wonder if he's slept with her, and it's a pretty legitimate question! I don't know how to get past this. He's not close to them anymore but I see them here and there and I hate it.

 

I moved here from far away 2 years ago so my bf rarely encounters my exes, I don't stay in touch with them at all, and anyone in my friend circle I have history with is across the world. So it's easy for him to say that this wouldn't bother him but I know it would.

 

This isn't an issue of morals or instability or something, I had a wild and self destructive period, plus I'm less stable than him, he keeps me grounded. I've had a difficult life, I've been hurt a lot, I'm basically damaged goods. But the difference is that to me sex isn't a handshake or something, to me it's something really intimate. To him it seem like it was little more than a handshake. Having sex with someone I didn't care about or didn't care about me made me feel horrible and dirty.

 

My last bf kept in touch with women from his past and he just annihilated me emotionally, he humiliated me and hurt me on levels you can't imagine. This happened less than a year ago. Anything that reminds me of him freaks me out and this whole thing reminds me of him, including my bf telling me several lies about his past and me catching him on it.

 

I know this is my problem at this point and I'm crazy, I just don't know how to change it! My bf changed everything I asked him to change, hes taken leaps and bounds to show me he only wants to be with me. But I'm the one who can't change and accept his past:(

[GSB81]

I don't think the problem is with his past exactly, its that he had sex with friends. If they were just one night stands, youd probably never run into them. Dont dismiss your feelings about this so quickly. A lot of people have been through it and i dont feel its all tgat irrational.

[loversquarrel]

You mention an eating disorder....usually this indicates a control issue. Maybe your thoughts and anxieties stem from something you have no control over. Are you still in therapy? If so you should bring these feelings up.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

loversquarrel -- I'm in therapy and this is something i've been working on intensively. For a while I was having anxiety attacks, every time my bf said something that seemed like something my evil ex would have said i would start imagining these terrible things and completely lose it and get in fights with my bf. That passed but it took time and my bf was very patient with me through it. The fact that he really believes in me and my ability to change (not wants to change me, believes I can make changes I want to) has really helped me make progress. After 12 years of being sick I wasn't sure of myself, he was sure of me from day 1, he was never worried about my ED because he told me that he knew in his heart that I was the woman who would make him happy and that we'd have a good life together. No one has ever believed in me like him.

 

We had another talk about this last night. Even when I don't intend to I come off as accusatory. We had a picnic planned for tomorrow and a good friend of my bf's is coming, a few years ago he slept with her and I'm trying to get to know her so I can be comfortable with this. We've made plans one on one too, and I like her as a person, I just need to be convinced that she doesn't harbor feelings for my bf or resent me or something. My bf told me that he stopped sleeping with her bc she wanted it to lead to something and he told her i didnt want a relationship, and shortly after met his last serious gf and started dating her. The friend was really hurt by this and it took a long time for the friendship to recover. So anyway, this is a little suspect.

 

But what triggered me yesterday with this is that another friend of his was coming to the picnic, and he started inviting his friends. This friend of my bf's has several female friends my bf has slept with, and i panicked that he'd invite them. I can deal with one one my bf slept with there but i dont want an intimate picnic with several of his former **** pals. Apparently my bf talked to his friend and made sure he wasnt invited these women, i didnt know that until yesterday.

 

Whenever we talk about this I start telling my bf all of the things he did that hurt me and i dont know why i cant control it. At least i was fairly calm last night. I asked him if I know about everyone now. I asked him that if we're in a room at a small event with someone he has history with, to just tell me he used to see that woman. Finding out about it months later makes it hurt more for me. He swears that I now know about everyone and so I'm trying to flip a switch and stop wondering if hes slept with every woman he introduces me to or says hi to in a party. If I really know about everyone this won't be the case anymore.

 

I told him that if I already know everything I need to, that I don't need to know more, and asked him not to answer my questions if I start asking for more details. He said he wouldnt.

 

During all of these talks I never felt like he understood me. I felt like he just was saying things trying to calm me but thought I was crazy. Last night he told me he knew how much it hurt and he has been in the same situation, wondering if any man he was introduced to has sex with the woman he was seeing, and it really hurt but he just had to grin and bear it. I said oh yeah, you arent in that relationship anymore, right? How did that work out? So he said he knew it would take time. He didnt want to get into details but I know what he means -- he was in an open relationship for a short while and said it was torture, even tho he was stepping out of the relationship more it hurt him knowing his partner did. I'm sure this is the situation he means. Somehow knowing that he understands me makes me feel better about this whole thing.

 

So now just to really stop acting so crazy=( I hope I can do this, i really do.

[loversquarrel]

Sounds like there is a little too much drama in this relationship for it to be healthy. Also wondering if your BF is screwing with your head.

[silvermercy]

Thanks for your replies!

 

I know I'm being totally irrational (and thinking more like a man than a woman) but I'm territorial.

.....

 

I know this is my problem at this point and I'm crazy, I just don't know how to change it! My bf changed everything I asked him to change, hes taken leaps and bounds to show me he only wants to be with me. But I'm the one who can't change and accept his past:(

WOAH WOAH WOAH! Step back for just a second!!!

All I see in your posts in self-blaming and extremely low self-esteem!! STOP!! NOW!!!

 

1. You are NOT crazy!

 

2. There's no such a thing as men being more territorial. Women are, too. Maybe in different ways. But trust me, they are VERY territorial! Nothing wrong with that.

 

2. It's totally and utterly OKAY to feel like you do when you have a bf with a past like that!! I would feel the same, if not worse, and I don't even have the buggage you say you have!! It doesn't mean it's retroactive jealousy.

 

3. You DON'T have to get over it! You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do. Almost anyone would!

 

Personally, I would adjust my bf radar and find a bf who wouldn't create such issues in me. Sure, you may deeply love and care for each other but it doesn't mean you are truly meant for each other. Not with such an issue hanging between you.

 

EDIT: I think your bf acts like a jerk (and a creep) being OK with his friend inviting all these women around!! Just... WTF!? If it wasn't for you speaking your concerns he would totally go for it. And in the last minute, too, so you don't have a strong power of veto. Oh believe me... it won't be long before he grooms you into open relationships!! Seriously, just what THE HELL are you doing with him? I sense some control issues, too.

Girl you need to examine that bf radar ASAP!!

 

EDIT 2: You are NOT crazy!!! But you may be if you stay long enough in this "relationship"... he seems to know what buttons to push to make yourself go nuts (CRAZY)... I know I would!

 

You won't change him. Guaranteed. Too late for that. He's unchangeable. Cut loose and find bf with a NORMAL past (there are plenty out there) who won't make you double-guess your sanity!

Edited January 21, 2013 by silvermercy

[loversquarrel]

Silvermercy, I couldn't agree more. I think he's screwing with her head.

 

DazedConfusedEtc., Your BF is very inappropriate and disrespectful toward you. In all honesty, coming from a guy - he's a PIG. You need to be with someone who has more maturity and understanding; someone who makes you feel secure.

 

You speak of marriage? - This guy is not marriage material.

[loversquarrel]

And open relationships??? Wtf? How is that remotely related to any of this?

 

 

It's brutal honesty, but women who share similar traits with you are very easy to cheat on, not because you wont figure it out, but rather you won't leave him. Similar to an open relationship.

[loversquarrel]

I'm starting to question both of your literacy levels. I'm asking for help to cope with my bf's past, the present isn't in question. Man hating in this case really isn't to the point, you both sound like a Lifetime movie and honestly it's super unhelpful

 

First of all, I don't hate myself. Second of all, your relationship is the LIFETIME movie. My posts are opinionated and based on experiences. You bring up many concerns about his past that are relative to the present. I believe its your level of literacy that begs to be questioned.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

I won't leave a man that's good to me? Yeah, that's a terrible character trait.

 

After what I've been through, I know the signs of a cheater. This guy isn't one, and the fact he was promiscuous for a couple of years doesn't change that. We live together, spend most of our free time together, I've never been put second to anyone else. I always know where he is. He doesn't meet female friends without me there. I am friends with his friends, spend many weekends with his family. If I had reason to worry I would know it.

 

Good news is that reading your posts made me feel much better about myself. Insult me all you want, judge me all you want, ignore all of the good things I've told you about this guy and look at only his past.

 

The good in this relationship outweighs the bad, in my eyes anyway. People look at us together and see genuine happiness. I guess you guys are jaded and want to believe no one else can be happy either, or that no one else can get past their issues and obstacles. That makes me sad for you.

 

Anyway if this is going to be the insult someone who was genuinely looking for advice about coping with someone's past and dealing with jealousy, I'll erase it.

[todreaminblue]

I've been doing a lot of reading around here and I joined in the hope that maybe someone can help me find some prospective because I'm at a loss.

 

I've been dating my bf over a year, he's just amazing and so kind and so wonderful. Until right before I started seeing him I was in a complicated relationship with someone that left a lot of emotional wreckage, he was manipulative and emotionally abusive and cheated on me and piled lies on top of lies and blamed me for all of it.

 

Things with my new bf started out as casual, although i think we both knew it would lead to something more. Still, in the beginning, he told me a lot of stories about his past, and basically until he met me he was sleeping around a lot. I'm talking about 25 women a year. He had them on this revolving schedule, they werent one night stands but women he met with regularly. Several of them remained his "friends" after they stopped dating.

 

I get why my bf slept around, he was religious and nerdy and married a woman who was awful to him when young, and he felt that he had to take it to the other extreme in order to find a middle ground.

 

I know my bf wants to be with me and only me. After 4 months together we moved in with each other, which is something that neither of us had ever done before with anyone. We're together all of the time, we've had many conversations about what we want and how we see our futures, we know each others families and friends, I know this is the man I want to marry. I am sure of it. This is the man that makes me happy.

 

Except for one big thing -- I'm having major problems accepting his past. He told me all of these torrid stories, and it's partially my fault because I apparently am a glutton for punishment, and I often asked, once I knew some I wanted to know more. He has several friends who he's slept with that are genuinely his friends, and the ones that aren't he stopped speaking with, and he did this for me. He really is making efforts, he also removed all of his ex **** buddies from FB and women he had added in the past intending to ask them out but he never did. But I hate being in a room with multiple women who have been intimate with my boyfriend. It disgusts me to find out about how he slept with women because they were there. This will sound terrible and I know that I may be a terrible person for saying this but it really bothers me that many of them were very unattractive. He used to have sex with fat chicks because "they try harder." He had a group sex experience that sounds awful and demeaning to women. I can't even go on because it will make me cry. And i find myself obsessing, wanting to know more about these women, looking at pictures, thinking about what it was like. It makes me sad and it makes me sick to my stomach and it makes me disgusted and it makes me angry and it makes me feel ashamed and undesirable and dirty.

 

Admitting all of this only makes me feel worse, i know that at this point this is my issue, I want to allow myself to be happy with this man and enjoy a shared future but instead I am stuck in his past, even though he's moved on. I don't know what to do anymore:(

 

Thanks in advance for any feedback

 

 

he used to have sex with fat chicks because they try harder? what is that ?was that out of his mouth? or yours because if it was your thoughts there you have demeaned a woman yourself....fat chicks dont have to try harder they are naturally targets for men who think they are desperate, and the men are desperate for sex so they use them for it...some fat chicks have intelligence enough to spot these guys and give them the boot pretty quickly, this fat chick does,maybe because i have killer curves underneath that fat to protect and defend from an unworthy guy who just wants sex from me, I am worth much more than a quick roll......and i would take a guy with a past who respects me for that fact.

 

 

I know his past is hard to forget but this guy makes you happy, in my opinion it doesnt matter who your guy slept with, butt ugly , fat , tall , thin, rotund, obese,whatever...the fact is you find his past hard to deal with and you cant help judging him and the past sexual partners......if they were supermodels you would still have an issue......even more so because insecurities about how you look might creep in, don't ask him anymore questions, he does pretty much what makes you feel better, he makes you happy , start with a clean slate, if you don't like the friends he has because he has slept with them, talk to him , be open with your feelings, you do have an issue with judging people......straight up i can tell from what you posted, you're judging him but you also find the women lacking he has been with, you have to watch that judgement, and see your boyfriend for who he is now not what he once did or was.......best wishes....deb

[melodymatters]

Dazed, I am going through a personal tragedy right now, so I can't really write you a proper reply, but I want to say I agree with you that these other posters are extrapolating to an EXTREME extent.

 

There are a lot of helpful, good people here who hopefully with chime in soon. Don't give up on LS, OR your man either. I struggle with retroactive jealousy and the fact that my husband had a threesome in his past makes me sick and I HAVE thrown it in his face before.

 

I understand what you are going through. Hang in there, at least you are trying to deal with this in a healthy manner.

[loversquarrel]

If this is the man that makes you "happy" and you are so sure you want to marry him, then why are you so hung up on his past??? You are the one putting it out there. You are getting a number of opinions and responses based on other peoples experiences and you simply don't like what you are reading. If you are happy with this guy and he treats you so great then what the eff do you care what anyone thinks??? Your demons are your own. You are looking for people to give you qualifying statements in support of what you want to feel. Instead, you are reading opinions that support your own "exception" to your otherwise wonderful relationship and hating it.

Edited January 22, 2013 by loversquarrel

[silvermercy]

I'm starting to question both of your literacy levels. I'm asking for help to cope with my bf's past, the present isn't in question. Man hating in this case really isn't to the point, you both sound like a Lifetime movie and honestly it's super unhelpful

You will only get the blunt and hard truth here based on your posts. Nothing will be sugar-coated. Don't insult us about our literacy levels just because you don't like something, when many of us here have levels to the PhD level!

 

Who is man-hating? I believe you also got the same opinion from male posters here.

 

Being unhelpful actually means to tell you that everything will be all right and everything will magically disappear. It won't.

 

p.s. If that's the best you can have (and it's still your honeymoon period basically) I dread to think how bad all those past boyfriends have been. You need to up your standards. A woman with good self-esteem (and a man with sense) would think of your boyfriend as a manipulating jerk. Not the prince charming you make him to be. All this is based on your descriptions of him so far. And our literacy levels are just fine.

[silvermercy]

It's brutal honesty, but women who share similar traits with you are very easy to cheat on, not because you wont figure it out, but rather you won't leave him. Similar to an open relationship.

Exactly. When I saw her posts it just SCREAMED to me. She can't see it but we can because we are outsiders, we've seen it so many times, and we're observing from a neutral point of view.

 

OP, for a test, why don't you approach him and ask his opinion on, say, threesomes? As if it was your idea, though. But you need to sound enthusiastic, curious, convincing and totally okay about it, even if you're not. He may get suspicious and curious at first, but I almost guarantee he won't have a problem with bringing an extra woman to your bed.

 

Have a good and thorough look on past similar threads. That may help you see what you don't see. But not about retroactive jealousy, because your occasion is not that. (In fact, if you look at retroactive jealousy threads here you would get like a million answers of getting over your partner's past. Think long and hard about why you don't get similar answers in this thread. If it was a real retroactive jealousy issue you would have tons of such answers by now! Guaranteed.)

 

Also nobody is insulting you. You are insulting yourself by keeping doing what you're doing.

Edited January 22, 2013 by silvermercy

[silvermercy]

So he DID try an open relationship as we indeed predicted, just not with you. Traumatising or not he DID try it. Our assumption proved correct.

 

So you JUST asked him about the threesome?

Well ask him again. And this time sound CONVINCING like I said in my previous post. It's important you sound OKAY with it. Say you changed your mind. I'm sorry but I still don't believe he wouldn't try that with you in the future. People talk about kids and monogamy all the time. Then they do different.

 

Whatever, I don't care what you do anymore. It's your life you live, not mine. If you think you'll be happy forever after then I'm also happy for you. Let's hope you won't be another statistic.

Edited January 22, 2013 by silvermercy

[Mint Sauce]

I get why my bf slept around, he was religious and nerdy and married a woman who was awful to him when young, and he felt that he had to take it to the other extreme in order to find a middle ground.

Are you sure you get this on an emotional level, or at least that this is compatible with your own views on sexuality? I am not sure that if one views sexuality as something very intimate, as I assume it is to you, living a very promiscuous life is the antidote to a religious upbringing/unhappy marriage.

Some people come out of a sexless marriage and perhaps test the waters with a ONS, finding out that that isn't their thing either, and then they move quickly to their perfect middle ground: sex in a loving relationship.

 

I understand that he's very loving and makes you happy, and that he's a good guy, but at the most fundamental level, his appreciation of sex may be very different from yours. Perhaps your gut knows that.

 

Of course only you can decide whether that's a deal breaker, but don't see this situation as "your problem". Incompatibility is not one side's problem.

[Mint Sauce]

PS: when he tells you about his past, does he look back upon it with some level of disgust/shame? You look at his past actions and don't approve, so it would be nice if he also, looking back, doesn't approve of his past actions. That would be compatibility in the present, now that he found his middle ground.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

Mint sauce, I was promiscuous in my early 20s, did drugs, was very self destructive. I'm not proud of it but it's something I had to go through. So I do get my bf, if it wasn't for the abuse my ex put me through I think id be able to accept it. The difference is that I went thru it at 20 and mybf was married, very religious, he went thru it at28 and it feels so fresh. At 23 I met someone, fell in love, stopped sleeping around and stopped doing drugs and moved on. So I know it's possible and can recognize that my bf has moved on too. Not only that but his story hasn't changed from day 1, he's had several serious and committed relationships, and always knew that the minute he met the right woman he would commit to her and leave his wild ways behind. And it's true, we started out as casual but 3 weeks in he committed to me (which I wasn't expecting) and never looked back, moved in with me after 4 months (neither of us have ever done that even in much longer relationships), introduced me to his family, his son, all of his friends, and never looked back.

 

And with all of this, I picture him having sex with another woman and feel like I'm going to have a panic attack

[Mint Sauce]

he went thru it at28 and it feels so fresh.

 

Perhaps you can find some useful info in the threads about betrayed spouses coming to terms with their wayward spouses' affair? Not because your bf has been unfaithful, but because your emotional turmoil is similar, e.g. the pain of picturing their sexual escapades. Key ingredients there appear to be total transparency about the past, as painful as it is, and the "other" women should be kept as far away as possible. I realize the latter is not entirely fair to your bf, if some of his ex-conquests are friends, but it's not about what is fair, it's about what is necessary for your relationship to be a haven of trust and peace for the two of you.

 

In any case: time often brings peace in these matters. Are you on a tight schedule, e.g. for extra kids?

[silvermercy]

Silvermercy, I mentioned the open relationship in an earlier post,u predicted nothing. And trying something and not liking it doesn't prove anything. Again, if you don't care to help I'd appreciate that you stop posting, thanks.

You posted in a public forum and I have freedom of opinion to post wherever I see fit.

 

If you see my quoted post I mentioned open relationships BEFORE the post where you mentioned it yourself. So, yes, my prediction was correct because I literally had NOT read your subsequent (3rd) post just yet. My reply was to your 2nd post as you can clearly see from the quoted text.

 

But ok, no problem, I'll stop posting, since you receive any replies you don't like as hating and unhelpful. God forbid anyone trying to open your eyes for once... We're all haters or something...

[todreaminblue]

Mint sauce, I was promiscuous in my early 20s, did drugs, was very self destructive. I'm not proud of it but it's something I had to go through. So I do get my bf, if it wasn't for the abuse my ex put me through I think id be able to accept it. The difference is that I went thru it at 20 and mybf was married, very religious, he went thru it at28 and it feels so fresh. At 23 I met someone, fell in love, stopped sleeping around and stopped doing drugs and moved on. So I know it's possible and can recognize that my bf has moved on too. Not only that but his story hasn't changed from day 1, he's had several serious and committed relationships, and always knew that the minute he met the right woman he would commit to her and leave his wild ways behind. And it's true, we started out as casual but 3 weeks in he committed to me (which I wasn't expecting) and never looked back, moved in with me after 4 months (neither of us have ever done that even in much longer relationships), introduced me to his family, his son, all of his friends, and never looked back.

 

And with all of this, I picture him having sex with another woman and feel like I'm going to have a panic attack

 

 

 

are the images you get lucid or fuzzy are they long lasting like you just cant stop seeing it every time you look at him or do they happen when he points out an ex lover...when you say panic attack is it trouble breathing or just feelings of nausea or dread.....deb