Maybe retroactive jealousy? Maybe something else?

[DazedConfusedEtc]

Thank you mint sauce, that's a really good suggestion. I just don't get why I'm so bothered by this, I thought it was because my ex cheated one with his exgf, but he was sooooo different from my current bf. an he was absolutely obsessed with that woman and I knew it. My bf told me stories because he thought they were interesting or were related to the conversation we had and I pressed for more and more details and the more it hurt. But he didn't tell stories because he still had feelins for the women or something. And there's no reason I should feel like someone who's been cheated on, it doesn't make sense.

 

He images aren't lucid or fuzzy, somewhere between images and thoughts or stories or something. I get short of breath and my thoughts start racing out of control and I can't think of anything else, just these stories on a reel.

 

I'm not exactly in a rush but at the same time I'm 30 and I want a family so I want to be able to move forward without getting in my own way.

 

I feel so hopeless about this, I don't know how to get past this.

[loversquarrel]

Dazedconfusedetc, I'll explain to you as to why your BF couldn't handle the emotional turmoil of an open relationship, and I'm sure every normal person here would agree with me. He could handle what he was doing, he just couldn't handle what his partner at the time was doing. It's as simple as that.

 

As far as you and your issues with his past are concerned, that's a little more complicated. That has alot more to do with your own internal issues. Somewhere in your past something happened to you in which you lost control, i.e., sexual assault, rape, molestation, child abuse. All traumatic events. You have serious control issues, hence the self destructive behaviors (all behaviors you have a percieved control over). You can't control what he has done, but it seems like you are trying to control what he "might" do, and you worry about it to the point it has become an obsession. It all makes sense. Your feelings of betrayal are feelings of the creeping fear of loss of control.

 

A more stable, emotionally healthy woman would more than likely steer clear of your BF. He has his own mental health issues to deal with.

[melodymatters]

I feel like I'm reading two different threads !?!

 

The way I'M reading this is :Guy was in a crappy repressive marriage. once divorced he had his "sowing oats" days which most younger people get out of their system in college. ( As did the OP and myself to name a few).

 

Now he meets OP, and commits 100% to her, and she to him. She is here because she freaks out when thinking about his past lovers and wants to get past it.

 

My husband is a f*cking saint who has just helped me get through the death of my only daughter just last week, but yeah, at 19 he had a threesome. He said it was gross and he wouldn't ever consider it again, but yeah it still grosses me out, and we've had a few words over it. BUTBUTBUT, that one mistake, or period of mistakes in the OP's partners case does not make them these mentally ill, deviant, poly amorous beings.

 

I'm ready to tell you to just ignore this thread OP and go with the retroactive jealousy diagnosis, google, and read forums THERE.

 

This one does not seem like it is going to help, I see two posters making up fantasy scenario's and it's making my head hurt.

 

PS. You should NOT have to socialize with his ex-lovers for any reason unless there is a blood/business connection.

[dichotomy]

So you slept around a bit? Had your wild time and engaged in causual sex (even with this guy) before deciding to get serious? If so - then as you say - you have your baggage to.

 

Perhaps you are saying you felt ashamed even then (when you were wild or had sex casually), but perhaps your new guy did not (does not) feel bad about sex he had. He was and is cool with it?

 

I think it always comes down to what you both value and believe right now together and not the past. This includes sex.

 

The hard fact is that you may about to marry someone who does not think or feel about sex - like you do - and never well. Can you compromise on that for all else that he may bring or feel for you in other ways? I think I hear you struggling on this point?

[DazedConfusedEtc]

Melodymatters, first of all I know it doesn't mean much from a stranger on the Internet but I want to offer my deepest condolences, nobody should have to go through what you are, and I'm happy to hear your husband is such a source of support. Second, thank you for your post, you're right on the money and the character assassination of both myself and my bf was hurtful and unexpected, really helps to know that you understand where in coming from

 

Dichotomy, thanks for your reply and there's definitely truth to what you're saying. My bf and I started "casual" but we both saw big potential, we worked together at the time so we wouldn't have started this otherwise. I learned later than before we even hooked up my bf told a mutual friend that he thinks there's potential for a serious relationship. The casual phase lasted a week tops (during which time He slept with obe of his **** buddies which it reay hurts me to know,especially since she's super unattractive. You're right that it really bothers me how meaningless sex is to him outside of the bounds of a relationship.

 

In not sure this is RJ although that's maybe a component. We had a big fight and I even considered ending this and ending my agony. I told him that when he talks about his past he sometimes talks in the present tense or seems to be glorifying it. We argued for a whole about his past, I guess I hoped to hear that he was ashamed or remorseful or something which he isn't, he said that he felt he needed to go through it. I told him that I needed to hear that he didn't want to be that guy with the revolving door of women and all of these casual sex partners anymore, and he said "of course, there's no question, I've always known I wanted to find a woman to marry and have kids with and that's the only thing that will make me happy. It was clear to me that I was just passing the time with casual sex until I found you." He asked me to promise that I wod believe him and not keep questioning him about this because of the past, and I did.

 

I promised to let my guard down and then he hugged me while I sobbed for a long time. I'm so so so afraid of getting hurt. My ex put me through horrir and terrible things, I went through a really traumatic event with him that will haunt me for the rest of my life, he broke me. While with him I dropped to 98 lbs at5'7". I was creeping dangerously to the verge of death. I started seeing my bf 5 days after ending things once and for all with my ex. My ex was a narcissist who lied, cheated, insulted me, humiliated me, and was truly convinced he was doing it for my own good and deserved a fcking Medal of Honor for it. He changed his mind constantly about what he wanted -- one day he wanted to ey married and have kids, the next he wanted lots of partners and an open relationship. With him I ignored my intuotion and all of the signs and let him control me until he was my whole world, and then disconnecte from the world altogether by starving myself. He made me use drugs (which I hadn't done in yeàrs and didn't want to do again), he made me feel like a worthless piece of **** that didn't deserve anything better. I had always dated guys who weren't good to me because of low self esteem but he was my bottom, I knew I had to change.

 

I sought intensive treatment before I ended things for good with the ex, we had an on again and off again period. I did a lot of work on myself. I don't think I would have accepted my bf's kindness if not for having been through hell with my ex. And my bf was really so good to me. I was hit by a car while on my scooter and broke my foot, he was with me through 3 months with a cast, took care of me, made me feel so loved and protected. These last almost 10 months are the best I've felt my whole life. I've never felt so safe, I'm 130 pounds now, I feel safe and loved and everything I've never had. But along the way he made mistakes, he didn't really know how to act in a relationship at first. He said the wrong things, told me too much, lied about the past sometimes. I can tell when he lies to me, he's very much an open book. All of this raised red flags, and the sex stuff before my bf met me very much reminded me of my ex, as did keeping in touch with former flames and lying about the past. I know he's not my ex but these things have me pause.

 

So anyway, I made this promise and started sobbing, and my bf asked why and I told him I was scared, he asked of what and I said of him hurting me. I guess after all that remains the biggest issue and I think I'm building other things around it. I'm afraid of making the wrong choice again, going through the emotional annihilation again. My bf promised he wouldn't hurt me, said the only thing he wants is to be with me and only me and make me as happy as I make him. Told me not to worry and that I would be happy. I cried for a long time and we "went to sleep", aka he's in be and I just spent an hour writing this on my phone. I so want to let my guard down, I really do believe him, but good things don't happen to me, in afraid to let myself feel otherwise and let myself feel safe. I don't think i can deal with being crushed again, I will hate myself sooooo much if I ignore the potential "warning signs". And I know they're only warning signs on paper, it's clear as day to everyone how in love this man is with me and how committed he is, theres no doubt here. So now the question is if I can stop destroying this relationship and let my guard down even though i take the risk of being hurt even more than before, I love this man so much, more than I can describe. He's everything I ever wanted and didn't feel like I deserved. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know if I can do this, I so so so want to.

[pbjbear]

I didnt read all the replies but...

There is nothing wrong with you and you are not insecure. You have intuition and brains.

Im sorry, but you moved in too quickly with him.

Also, a man who acts in that way (rotating that many women...damn thats alot!) is not a man who holds sex as an emotional investment. Thats not necessarily wrong, but you dont sound OK with it

 

Think of it the reverse way, if you had his past, would most men be accepting of you? I dont believe in double standards.

 

I like to think people can fall in love and change, but with myself and my large group of female friends who ALWAYS have boyfriends (im always the single one!) anytime they dated a guy like this it ended badly.

 

Just my .02

[DazedConfusedEtc]

Pjbear - thanks for your reply:). My intuition on this one isn't telling me this guy is no good, though. I still needed confirmation on this though because my last relationship before this made me seriously doubt my judgment. I did a survey of friends male and female and they all said it was pretty normal -- idk maybe I live in a different area than some of you or am in a different generation but most of my male friends went through a phase like this. Not as extreme as my bf's but they didn't marry someone at 20 that emotionally abused them, controlled them, used them. I get the promiscuity. And yes for me sex means more but I've had my fair share of partners, too. I know my bf loves me and that sex with me isn't an emotionless act. Maybe it's TMI but 10 months in it's still the best sex of my life, and a big part of that is that he always without exception makes sure I'm comfortable and enjoying it and is very attentive. You don't do that with a random hookup.

 

The biggest issue is that I know too much, I have mental images I can't erase. I've done wild things too but I kept them to myself. He just didn't know how to treat me, that when you're in a serious relationship you share less. And ive met some of the women, i have faces to connect to the stories. i really really hate thinkig about this, picturing my bf sharing an intimate physical act. i want to feel like its truly in the past and long gone, not like this ghost that haunt me. And I'm really mad!!! Part of me wants to tell him stories, or take a break and go on my own casual sex streak. I wouldn't do it but te thought crosses my mind. After I broke up with my ex I told myself I'd go on my own wild streak and separate sex from emotions too, I wanted emotional independence from men so I couldn't be controlled again. I don't know how successful it would have been but I wanted to try. It's just that the first guy I went for turned out to be the love of my life, go figure

[GildedLily]

It sound like your boyfriend has very poor boundaries; to sleep with most of his "friends" and then keep then around. For what, to stroke his ego? I don't blame you one bit for being upset about this; it's hard to find out you are dating a dirty guy. Part of your problem may be in the guys you are attracting, you see yourself as "damaged goods" until this is resolved anyone you attract will be a mirror to this, something is not right with this guy please keep your eyes wide open. Btw: moving in with someone after 4 mths is not a whirlwind romance it means that one or both of you are scared to be alone.

[DazedConfusedEtc]

^^i get why it might look like that, but my bf spend a lot of time single, he's not afraid to be alone. And honestly i wanted to be alone after my breakup. But we fell in love. I've never lived with a bf before, and i've had plenty -- i'm 30 years old. He hasnt lived with anyone since he divorced his wife at 23, which is 8 years ago. We moved in with each other because we knew it was right.

 

In re: the female friends, they're not an issue anymore. There are 3 women he's slept with that are still his friends and they are legit friends. One is married with a newborn and she's absolutely amazing and a great friend to him. It took him time to figure this stuff out.

 

I am not with a "dirty" guy and I think that's a really insulting description. A dirty guy is the kind of guy that would make you feel dirty and cheap, or the kind of guy who would cheat on you, or embarrass you in front of friends or disrespect you.

 

We've been having a lot of conversations about this lately and I think i'm on my way to finding peace with this, today was a turning point. There were things he did that bothered me that he was unable to tell me weren't good things to do because he thought i was trying to make him renounce his past and say that the guy he used to be was a bad person. I wanted to hear that he wouldn't do those things again because it wasn't a nice way to act, because it was reckless, because it hurt someone, etc.

 

Today he admitted to me that he was ashamed of some of those things, that there were things he would undo if he could, that he made mistakes. My problem wasn't the fact he did these things but the fact he defended them, now, after 10 months of a really amazing relationship.

 

He told me he knew how stupid and selfish it was for him to tell me about his past in the beginning, that he doesn't talk about it really with his friends either. He's realized that the things he was proud of when he was single are embarrassing and inappropriate to talk about now.

 

I know i've shared a lot of stuff here that looks bad on paper, but my bf is one of the best people I have ever met. He's an amazing bf to me, an amazing father, so good to his parents and brothers. He's not a bad person. He's a person that went through a lot of emotional trauma and used sex as an escape for a long time. I can understand him. He was emotionally immature and didn't know how to act in a relationship at first, didnt know why not to tell certain stories or that even if he thought a woman was really a friend, maybe she wasn't. He's done a lot of growing up the last 4 months. He told me that he has no doubts, no itches left, he knows this relationship is the right thing.

 

I know he means this, he jumped all in to this relationship. Im convinced he's trult put the past behind him so I'm going to put the past behind me, too.

Edited January 24, 2013 by DazedConfusedEtc