I would really love a bond with my Mother.

[Minadee]

I don't want to post my whole life story (i'd be here for a few years!) but I'll try and explain my situation with my Mother.

 

I was a very difficult baby and child, and I feel she resents me for what I put her through. I was an overweight pre-teen, then lost a lot of weight through puberty. She was once stick thin and is now morbidly obese due to a thyroid conditon. She comments on what I eat, how I dress and on my weight on a constant daily basis. She is very manipulative and if things don't go her way, the whole family suffers. She also has a drinking problem (though hell would freeze over before she would admit it) and goes through numerous bottles of wine a week.

 

My father is starting to show signs that he is sick of her as well. He is a wonderful and kind man and he inspires me and works hard for his family and has done all his life and I love him. We clash occasionaly, but not often enough for any resentment to happen. But recently, he has starting confiding in me. I don't ever respond, I just like to know that I am here for when he is ranting. I catch him looking fondly at the photos of my Mother, who was once a free spirit and so beautiful. He once mentioned divorce, and said if he could afford it he would. They have been together 27 years now.

 

Recently, I bought this up in a heated row I had with my Mother. I have severe chronic nerve damage in my hips, and this affects me on a daily basis and my medicaiton can cause severe mood swings. She does not offer me sympathy. She tells me that I should get on with it and that others have it a lot worse. While I see sense in what she is saying, I only tell her i'm having a bad day so I can just unleash a little steam and I feel the more I seek sympathy, the more upset I get when she doesn't give it to me. It is a constant one step forward, two steps back relationship with her. She will be nice, attentive and "caring" only when she wants to know something or if she wants something done.

 

The worst she has ever said to me is that she wished I was never born, and that I have done nothing in my life to ever make her proud, and my life has been a constant string of disapointment.

 

I do love my Mother. She has raised me to be the young woman I am today and I respect her for that. But I am also deeply insecure and constantly seek sympathy and attention from friends and partners.

 

I finished work today in a great deal of pain, and didn't engage in conversation with her when I visited for dinner, as I was very quiet and thoughtful. She told me to get out of her house if I wasn't going to talk and that I was tearing my family apart. I left and cried a little and now I just feel numb.

 

Where do I go from here? Every time I think things are improving, she causes an argument from nothing that escalates until we both end up saying things we shouldn't. I want nothing more than her approval and love, and I feel the relationship we have is very un-healthy.

 

Any input into this? I am grateful for all responses.

[Keenly]

Your mother is toxic and you need to remove her from your life. I know that may not exactly be what you want to do, but she has made it very clear where she stands. You don't need such a pain in the ass in your life.

[nlouis1]

I Love my mother a lot with bottom of my heart.....

[KathyM]

Your mother has a lot of limitations, and it sounds like you are wanting something from her that she is not able to give. I think you would be wise to understand that she has shortcomings and may never be the mother you desire, but if you want to make the best of a relationship that is flawed, I would suggest that you learn to stand up for yourself in a respectful way and set boundaries with her. When she brings up the subject of your weight, tell her calmly that you are not going to discuss that topic with her. You can also learn communication strategies to help defuse her arguments with you. And please do not get involved in her marriage with her husband (your father). That is not your place, and she will turn against you even more if she thinks you are taking sides against her. I would suggest family counseling for the three of you. Suggest it to her, and see what the response is. If she is not willing to consider it, then go to counseling yourself to learn how to deal with your own feelings and to learn how to live more peacefully with her.