How often do cheaters "get away" with it?

[firstandlast]

Or another way of putting it, what percentage of affairs are never discovered by the BS? I understand that most BSs suspect something is "off" or realize that the WS is unhappy in the marriage. But how many affairs are actually confirmed or admitted to? Especially among serial cheaters?

 

(I'm asking solely out of personal curiosity -- I have no intention of ever cheating again and am not looking to tip off my xMOW's BS.)

[bentnotbroken]

Or another way of putting it, what percentage of affairs are never discovered by the BS? I understand that most BSs suspect something is "off" or realize that the WS is unhappy in the marriage. But how many affairs are actually confirmed or admitted to? Especially among serial cheaters?

 

(I'm asking solely out of personal curiosity -- I have no intention of ever cheating again and am not looking to tip off my xMOW's BS.)

 

 

So you want to know the % of affairs that no one knows about? How exactly would one find those numbers of serial cheats if no one knows about them?

[firstandlast]

So you want to know the % of affairs that no one knows about? How exactly would one find those numbers of serial cheats if no one knows about them?

 

No, how many go undetected by the BS. I'm thinking anonymous surveys as part of a formal study.

Edited January 20, 2013 by firstandlast
Clarity

[Mount]

I think not many, because infidelity is not a popular topic in workplace or friend gathering, that everyone talks about. No, not all, everyone is talking out other major things in life, career, vacation, kids, school, house, sickness. Comparing to those things, infidelity is very trivial and even it IS NOT trivial, you still don't hear your co-workers, friends keep talking about loudly. So it happens here and there, just the way it is, I guess.

 

Or another way of putting it, what percentage of affairs are never discovered by the BS? I understand that most BSs suspect something is "off" or realize that the WS is unhappy in the marriage. But how many affairs are actually confirmed or admitted to? Especially among serial cheaters?

 

(I'm asking solely out of personal curiosity -- I have no intention of ever cheating again and am not looking to tip off my xMOW's BS.)

[bentnotbroken]

No, how many go undetected by the BS. I'm thinking anonymous surveys as part of a formal study.

 

 

My point is no matter how formal the study or the method of gathering data...if you don't know...how do you report you don't know...you know ?(I'm sorry I couldn't resist )

[sweetkiwi]

My friend has been the OW for about 7 months and most likely the BS won't find out. This guy is an incredibly good cheater. If you can excel at such a thing....

 

He usually goes to her and has a job which requires a lot of travel. He even had the gall to fly her to Hong Kong (his home) since he didn't have time to go to her that mouth.

 

My friend would never expose him. And he certainly won't be telling his wife anytime. Its a sad situation and personally I hope he gets discovered.

[Mount]

Just to add, I did hear people/friends talked about someone got divorced, but that was it. Again, it could be due to infidelity or not, people usually sweep it under the rug anway.

 

I think not many, because infidelity is not a popular topic in workplace or friend gathering, that everyone talks about. No, not all, everyone is talking out other major things in life, career, vacation, kids, school, house, sickness. Comparing to those things, infidelity is very trivial and even it IS NOT trivial, you still don't hear your co-workers, friends keep talking about loudly. So it happens here and there, just the way it is, I guess.

[SidLyon]

Or another way of putting it, what percentage of affairs are never discovered by the BS? I understand that most BSs suspect something is "off" or realize that the WS is unhappy in the marriage. But how many affairs are actually confirmed or admitted to? Especially among serial cheaters?

 

(I'm asking solely out of personal curiosity -- I have no intention of ever cheating again and am not looking to tip off my xMOW's BS.)

 

I'd love to know the answer to this question but see the difficulties in getting reliable statistics.

 

My own observations tell me that many affairs go undiscovered by the BS.

 

To be honest I'm more sensitized to it since my own d-day, but even before then, I thought the majority of BSs didn't know. I've never subscribed to the notion that it's common for BWs to turn a blind eye, as it's not been my observation.

 

One of my friends was a serial OW in her younger day and all but two of her many affairs (more than 30 from memory!) with MM went undiscovered. One was a sort of 2 wives situation where the MM, his wife and my friend did things like go on holidays together, and the other was a situation where a BW turned up to the hotel room that my friend and the MM were in.

 

Her other As ranged from one night stands, a same time next year arrangement, and a long term A where she visited him in his business. My friend has been happily married and in the same relationship for many years now.

 

When I had my own d-day I had a lot of trouble remaining friends with her.

[RickFox]

Prboably more so than one would like to hear. Bottom line is, you are hoping she is discovered, to watch her life get turned upside down, just as yours has been. I was the same way when my A ended and I often wonder if I should have told her H.

 

Like your ex AP, mine is at home living the high life, her stay at home status undisturbed, and even got a new car out of the deal. Whether her marriage is bad or has dipped back to where it was, it's not my concern. It only becomes my concern again should she try to reach out again and despite my wife's beliefs I don't see it happening and have reached the point of not caring.

[MissBee]

I think it depends on the parameters of the cheating.

 

I think it is more likely that if one has an ongoing affair one will be found out versus a one night stand or a short one.

 

I think it is very possible that many short term As/one night stands go undetected whereas something that goes on for years just naturally has more time for that person to slip up and change their behavior and for such behavior to become noticeable or for the other party to out it etc.

 

With the advent of social media I think it's easier for people to engage in online flirting, cyber sex, text sex and other forms of EAs without always being detected. But like real life/physical As, I think length of time also determines this. As if one occasionally dabbles with others online it won't be as easily detected as in the case where one is so tied to the computer all the time because one is emotionally invested.

 

But I don't have actual numbers. I imagine it is difficult to get this info in a study, except I guess one could seek volunteers in a study or respondents who fit the criteria of being WS's who never got caught. Not sure if such a study exists, but maybe there is one/a few.

[Act Two]

Prboably more so than one would like to hear. Bottom line is, you are hoping she is discovered, to watch her life get turned upside down, just as yours has been. I was the same way when my A ended and I often wonder if I should have told her H.

 

Like your ex AP, mine is at home living the high life, her stay at home status undisturbed, and even got a new car out of the deal. Whether her marriage is bad or has dipped back to where it was, it's not my concern. It only becomes my concern again should she try to reach out again and despite my wife's beliefs I don't see it happening and have reached the point of not caring.

 

If your exAP went back to her marriage as usual and just swept everything under the rug, she has a crappy marriage.

[sweetkiwi]

Does your friend know you feel that way about her situation?

 

Yes. Of course. When it started he didn't tell her that he was engaged. His wife is famous and she found out he was getting married the day it happened on a gossip website.

 

He was texting her all day too. Gross. I told her this is terrible karma.

 

I of course told her to dump this fool. But. She hasn't.

[Realist3]

I may be cynical, but I'd be willing to bet probably 80% of all relationships have experienced some degree of cheating if you factor in EA's.

 

I know lots of people don't want to admit it's that high, but from talking to random people and reading stories, it's pretty damn prevalent.

 

That's not to say that 80% of all people cheat, but if even 30% do that's impacting 60% of all relationships and when you add in the people who are serial/multiple cheaters it inflates the statistics even more, and we all know that many cheaters don't just cheat once.

 

The numbers are all over the place but the 80% of relationships figure seems to be pretty common.

 

In terms of emprical data of how many get found out there really isn't much out there. My guess is though that the vast majority are never discovered. Andit is also my guess that most of these are hookups, not ongoing lengthy relationships.

[stevie_23]

I have no idea obviously, but in my own case, I was in a LDR / online affair for almost 2 years before he left me suddenly in December. I was never found out by my partner, thank god. I don’t think it’s difficult to carry on this type of affair (online / LDR) and not get caught. As long as they’re not paranoid already and check up on you and such.

 

My ex, he got caught 4 times during our time together, but his wife was always VERY suspicious and this is the only reason why he kept getting caught. He was more careful than I ever was and he still got caught.

 

As some of you know, he has a history of cheating. He was caught cheating on his 2nd wife way back many years ago. She kicked him out and he then commenced a “proper” relationship with then 3rd wife. So he got caught then. But he didn’t get caught when he cheated on his 4th wife. He cheated for a brief time with his NOW wife and then made the move to leave his 4th wife and be with his current wife. So…yeah. Sometimes you don’t get caught. Mostly you do.

[Mount]

I agree LFH's 80% estimate, sounds reasonable, from what I see, affair is always here and there - a TYPICAL "elephant in the room" situation.

 

For following 4th wife, I can not imagine her daily constantly detective mode life will be...

 

I have no idea obviously, but in my own case, I was in a LDR / online affair for almost 2 years before he left me suddenly in December. I was never found out by my partner, thank god. I don’t think it’s difficult to carry on this type of affair (online / LDR) and not get caught. As long as they’re not paranoid already and check up on you and such.

 

My ex, he got caught 4 times during our time together, but his wife was always VERY suspicious and this is the only reason why he kept getting caught. He was more careful than I ever was and he still got caught.

 

As some of you know, he has a history of cheating. He was caught cheating on his 2nd wife way back many years ago. She kicked him out and he then commenced a “proper” relationship with then 3rd wife. So he got caught then. But he didn’t get caught when he cheated on his 4th wife. He cheated for a brief time with his NOW wife and then made the move to leave his 4th wife and be with his current wife. So…yeah. Sometimes you don’t get caught. Mostly you do.

[stevie_23]

I know. I said to him once, when she’d found out for the 3rd time about us, HOW can she live like this? How can she live with absolutely NO trust for him? How can she LOVE him still knowing he’s been doing this and will continue to try to do it for however long he can? How can she sleep beside him, have dinner with him, carry on this “family” unit with him when there’s always that total distrust and paranoia and FEAR?

 

The only answers I had were that (a) she doesn’t care enough deep down and just wants an easy, stable domestic life on the surface, (b) she honestly thinks each time she finds out he will stop doing it, and yet…keeps checking anyway, © she considers it normal or acceptable for this behaviour to go on and as long as she keeps checking and stopping anything that is happening, everything is ok…

 

I just don’t get it. At all.

[stevie_23]

I definitely don’t consider finding someone else attractive cheating. God no!

 

My partner and I freely check out other people in the street and laugh about it. When she has an “intimate” dream (sexual) about someone, she tells me and we talk about it, laugh about it, etc. It’s no big deal at all.

 

I don’t consider having a crush on someone cheating either. Feelings will develop for various reasons. I don’t consider being friends with someone you have a crush on cheating, even if you are receiving some sort of fulfillment and satisfaction from spending time with this person that your partner isn’t aware of.

 

I believe it gets to a dangerous area in terms of an emotional form of cheating if you start sharing more intimate details of your thoughts, feelings and life with someone other than your partner. And especially if you start sharing LESS with your partner. If you feel you have a finite amount of energy to give, and you’re giving more of it to someone else and less of it to your partner, this can lead to danger if it escalates.

 

Obviously for me, cheating is if you sleep with someone else. Or do things related to that. Kissing is different. If you’re drunk and you kiss someone once? This isn’t cheating, it’s a mistake and regretful and if the person is honest and tells their partner and is sorry and intends never to do it again, it’s ok and not cheating. If it’s repetitive, it’s cheating.

 

Obviously if you WANT to be with someone else other than your partner, and haven’t acted on it, you have a big problem. If you HAVE acted on it, in any way, emotional or physical, it’s most likely cheating.

 

I don’t consider hiding an interaction with someone else from your partner as automatically cheating. I have some friends I email and there is NOTHING going on, but I still don’t want my partner to see because it’s embarrassing. I’m a slightly different person to them than I show to her, and I’m just not comfortable with it. So…yeah.

[ComingInHot]

How often do people get away w/it?

 

... until they don't?....

 

I would love to see a Stat on that*

[stevie_23]

Yes, but it is not reciprocated and so it is not REAL. It does not exist in terms of an ACTION. Feelings do not affect anyone else until they become actions. In a way, it doesn't even matter how you feel if you don't act on those feelings.

 

Obviously, this is very complicated because you could say that even if it WAS an action and it WAS reciprocated, if the existing partner did not know, and thus it did not affect them, then it wasn't cheating, which is obviously untrue.

 

I guess even the term "cheating" can be taken to mean cheating your partner out of time, attention, affection, love, interest, desire, whatever else you ideally would be sharing with them and giving them. Although if your feelings fade over time and there is no other person involved, your partner could still be "cheated" out of these things.

[justwhoiam]

Surveys - Truth About Deception

[stevie_23]

I understand the thing about someone being in love with someone else and never acting on it taking away from the existing partner, however...if it is non-actioned AND thus not reciprocated, generally this is not really harmful to the partner AND it tends to fizzle out fairly quickly. You don't usually stay in love with someone and never act on those feelings and never get anything back from that person and have it last for a long time.

[stevie_23]

Yeah, but metaphysically...I mean, we don't just live in the metaphysical world.

[firstandlast]

Prboably more so than one would like to hear. Bottom line is, you are hoping she is discovered, to watch her life get turned upside down, just as yours has been. I was the same way when my A ended and I often wonder if I should have told her H.

 

Like your ex AP, mine is at home living the high life, her stay at home status undisturbed, and even got a new car out of the deal. Whether her marriage is bad or has dipped back to where it was, it's not my concern. It only becomes my concern again should she try to reach out again and despite my wife's beliefs I don't see it happening and have reached the point of not caring.

 

Yes, there's probably an element of that going on. I'll admit I'm still angry, and seeing her so happy at that restaurant really irked me.

 

But that's not my problem. For all I know, she did tell the husband and they're working things out. Who knows? I have my own problems.

 

I'm just curious about her chances of ever actually getting caught, short of her deciding on her own to leave the marriage.

[Got it]

For dMM he found out years later from his ex wife's affair. He knew that during that time period she was very angry with him, distant, etc. but didn't know why. He found out one day in a very random way. It just sort of fell in his lap. He would have never known.

 

My exhusband has yet to find out about my affair. I left the marriage a few weeks into it so the crossing over was limited so not alot to hide. But he still doesn't know.

 

I think it is a fairly high number not known.

[Lillyfree]

from what i remember, you xOW jumps from affair to affair - i'm not sure how her husband doesn't even suspect something, anything.

 

or could be that he just doesn't care.

 

more to the point, why do you care?