How often do cheaters "get away" with it?

[Spark1111]

I mean no disrespect, and perhaps my view is skewed by my own role, but why should there have been consequences for her other than a broken heart?

 

What consequences, other than a broken heart do any of us end up with? On either side?

 

Isn't a broken heart exactly what is felt by the BS?

 

I don't see money or property as any reason to stay with someone, so that's a completely invalid argument to me.

 

It all comes down to the broken heart for me, so if that's fallout, then in theory didn't she get what she deserved?

Maybe someone can explain this to me.

 

Public and private humiliation, sobbing children who thought they had the perfect family, broke hearted friends and family, job insecurity if it was a workplace affair (it was) ....to name a few off the top of my head.

 

Affording medical care ( stress and depression) IC for yourself and children, possible attorney fees, dissolution of assets, having to move or allow the cheating spouse the house....

 

Any other consequences besides the broken heart, folks?

 

Oh wait, extensive STD and HIV testing too?

[aed]

 

In terms of my own situation it would be very very difficult for her BS to find out at this point in time. Like I mentioned previously he has already hired 2 PI's that she knows of at a cost of thousands only to come up with nothing. In the beginning(first 6 months) that would have been a different story. Careless on many levels.

 

In other words the BS knows something is very wrong and thinks his wife is cheating. But he needs an final confirmation (that is not because he thinks she is not cheating, its because he doesn't want to make a difficult choise).

[BetrayedH]

All I was saying, is that we can't claim 50% of all A's get discovered from the results of that survey.

 

When you look into the subject of affairs on alomst any sub-topic within research always shows wide allowances of percentages because the accuracy of the sample is extremely difficult to determine. I don't even remember the specific topic or study I was looking at, but it gave a range between 35-80%. That sort of result tells me little to nothing. Either it is somewhat common, or almost an inevitability. Hmmm... I'm not sure what they thought the point was in publishing something so nebulous.

 

I don't really buy into the idea that intelligence and vigilance can cut the odds to 0%. As long as two people are seeing each other there is always a chance. You may be able to reduce those odds to an extremely low number, but there will always be a chance of being caught.

 

In terms of my own situation it would be very very difficult for her BS to find out at this point in time. Like I mentioned previously he has already hired 2 PI's that she knows of at a cost of thousands only to come up with nothing. In the beginning(first 6 months) that would have been a different story. Careless on many levels.

 

Fair enough. Appreciate the balanced response. To be fair, you weren't the one claiming zero risk. On a side note, I would think that you situation is rather unique. Not many APs know they are being investigated and have the PI in their back pocket. It may be a brief t/j but I find myself curious, do YOU think that it's best for your OW to keep up with all this? Seems like a hell of a lot of effort to preserve a dead marriage; I don't recall if it was to av

[ThatJustHappened]

I'm not ignoring this post, but any response I make to it right now is going to sound really snarky.

 

What's there to be snarky about? Everything Spark said is true, and none of it was said in a nasty way.

[Decorative]

What's there to be snarky about? Everything Spark said is true, and none of it was said in a nasty way.

 

I admit, I am fascinated to hear the response, because none of what Spark said is disputable. It is what it is.

[BetrayedH]

Fair enough. Appreciate the balanced response. To be fair, you weren't the one claiming zero risk. On a side note, I would think that you situation is rather unique. Not many APs know they are being investigated and have the PI in their back pocket. It may be a brief t/j but I find myself curious, do YOU think that it's best for your OW to keep up with all this? Seems like a hell of a lot of effort to preserve a dead marriage; I don't recall if it was to av

 

Apologies. Hit submit on accident. To continue...

 

I don't recall if it is to avoid the drama of divorce, the cost of it, damage to kids. Just curious what you personally think it best for her (knowing that you don't have "soulmate" intentions).

[Realist3]

In other words the BS knows something is very wrong and thinks his wife is cheating. But he needs an final confirmation (that is not because he thinks she is not cheating, its because he doesn't want to make a difficult choise).

 

I don't know what he thinks. He is a very jealous person. These incidents happened awhile back. He is a cheater himself, so I doubt there would be any choice one way or another. He is a very insecure person that is married to an extremely hot woman. He denied his own affair while it still contniues, he just doesn't know the level at which she is aware.

[Decorative]

I don't know what he thinks. He is a very jealous person. These incidents happened awhile back. He is a cheater himself, so I doubt there would be any choice one way or another. He is a very insecure person that is married to an extremely hot woman. He denied his own affair while it still contniues, he just doesn't know the level at which she is aware.

 

Um, it's not being a jealous or paranoid person if one is actually being cheated on?

 

And have you actually confirmed with your own two eyes that he is in an affair himself? Not the word of your OW. Your eyes.

[Realist3]

Um, it's not being a jealous or paranoid person if one is actually being cheated on?

 

And have you actually confirmed with your own two eyes that he is in an affair himself? Not the word of your OW. Your eyes.

 

He was jealous long before our affair started. It has been part of his controlling nature since they got married. They are 12 years apart in age, and he treats her like the 18 year old he married, even though she is 40.

 

Long time ago she showed me a few emails he was exchanging. It was very evident. His choice to have an affair really has nothing to do with me. I don't care one way or the other.

[Spark1111]

I'm not ignoring this post, but any response I make to it right now is going to sound really snarky.

 

I appreciate that. I really do.

 

I talked friends and family out of marching onto her doorstep and giving her what for while he had to go around begging anyone who knew him pre-affair for forgiveness.

 

I also contemplated in my less sane moments of exposing both of them at work where they are employed by a very conservative organization where one or the other or both would have been fired.

 

I thought of calling up her xH, the one she was still litigating and letting him in on it. He would have loved that ammo.

 

In the end I decided I could never hurt a child, not even her child and afforded her and him waaaay more consideration than they ever showed me or my children.

 

So, from my perspective I. What their affair cost me and my children?

 

A broken heart is not so bad.

[RickFox]

Yet, about half the time, the betrayed spouse finds out. I wonder if the people that got caught knew that they were unintelligent (seems kinda unlikely, huh?) or if they were just overconfident.

 

To answer your question, I was extremely stupid and waaay overconfident. I was giving myself away the entire time and so was xmw. My W was much smarter than I gave her credit for, she picked up on alot before the A even began and she continued to see the signs despite my feeble attempts (which I thought were ample) at deflection and cover ups.

[Catplates]

Hello LFH,

 

Have you ever been married?

 

Finances are a huge element, especially when there are many small mouths to feed. Split the finances in two, if the marriage fails and everybody suffers, including the WS.

 

Children are very very delicate fragile little beings who can be damaged for life by the actions of others. Sometimes this will be detrimental to the child in the life choices they make later.

 

Oh , the broken heart is still the same for sure. Toss a pebble into a lake and it will create many far reaching ripples.

 

Cat.

[Spark1111]

Maybe this deserves it's own thread.

 

But from my perspective and then in time from his, the entire family paid a huge price, both emotionally and financially, and in the loss or change of other relationships, both extended family and friends ( kids too) that while my heart was broken, it was the last thing I could attend to or take care of as there were so many OTHER small fires to deal with and put out.

 

She was not married and she insisted her child call him by his first initial rather than his real name, probably because she didn't want her child to alert the x as to his identity.

 

Her two single girlfriends did not know he was married.

 

She lost no face, did not have her job security threatened, and her child had to deal with the loss of mom's boyfriend, a man he could never identify because he never knew his real name.

 

She also did not have any recognizable profile in her community, few friends, wasn't close to her family.

 

OTHER than her broken heart, the only thing she had to deal with, there were nothing else for her to deal with. If anyone asked, she broke up with her " boyfriend."

 

that was it, IMO.