When do the differences become too much to bear?

[emobat]

I'm very frustrated in my current situation. I've been married for 5 years, with the woman almost 10. We've had ups and downs just like any other couple does. I know how things go, and I don't think I"m blowing things out of proportion.

 

I'm unhappy. We work opposing shifts. I see her for very little time at all and then when I do see her, I'm in an argumentative mood with her. I don't intend on starting fights all the time, but it seems like I do. I think subconciously it's because I want her to be as unhappy as I am.

 

Too many things lately have just been too hard to ignore.... our differences, that in the beginning were bearable, are annoying me more than ever now. She likes the country/I like the city.... She blatantly REFUSES to live even in a very small city. She totally freaks when we get near a real metro area. Our musical tastes are different, and I know that really shouldn't bother me that much, but it does. With the little time we get together, I feel guilty leaving her at home to go to a show but don't want to take her and have her complaining the whole time either. We don't enjoy the same types of things at all.... We never did... I just assumed that because of "love" we'd make it work....

 

In the car yesterday, we got talking about some thing or another that we disagreed on... and she constantly says "you knew this when we got married!!!!" and I blurted out "well maybe we shouldn't have gotten married then..." and we didn't say a word the rest of the trip.... things have been quiet since then. They get like that alot now.

 

I'm unhappy and I've told her that. I've made it seem that it's everything going on in my life... I tell her about my frustrations with how I feel like I'm always giving in in regards to all kinds of things .... but I think she's getting the understanding now that it's the relationship I'm unhappy with. I know she's giving in to me lately, and I have always felt like I was the one giving it.... So I feel a bit guilty about this. She is trying to make things work, but I'm still unhappy.

 

I know that there will be the "you two should go to therapy" replies, which is a valid response, but what if I don't really want to try? I don't honestly believe some third party that doesn't know my wife and I is going to help us get along. I just don't want to spend the next 30-40-50 (if I live that long) years not experiencing my life the way I want to.

 

I remember what it was now... I have a job interview tomorrow.... which if it pans out will give me a great title which I told her I'd be able to use the experience to get a better paying job in a metro area. This whole time with the process of looking at this job, she's made me feel guilty about it. I've told her that too, but she says the concern is for the welfare of our child. (We'll be back on the same shift then and will need to make other arrangements). So I should be stuck in a dead end job because of this? I know you sacrifice things when you have kids, and I think I've done quite a bit of sacrificing.... I don't want to have NOTHING that is my own anymore. I want to do more things. At this point my social life is zero. We don't even go out on "dates" because she doesn't trust enough to hire a sitter.

 

Maybe it's selfish of me, but what good is life if you're not enjoying it?

[Moose]

The up side is that your marraige certainly isn't boring...huh?

 

I'm in the same type of marraige. My wife and I are TOTAL opposites. We get along ok, we have our fights, as a matter of fact, we had a doosey last night. She used to hate the country, but now that she's been there for a while, she tells me she wouldn't have it any other way.

 

I think it would be healthy for you both to experience one anothers diversity. You're not being selfish wanting the good life, but you are being selfish for not opening your mind to your wifes likes, instead, you're dwelling on her dislikes.

 

I've said this a thousand times and the regular posters on here are probably getting sick of it....but marraige isn't 50/50....it's 100/100. Take the better job if it means bettering yourself, but talk to your wife about it too. She'd be happpy to share her thoughts and would feel more of a part in your life.

 

About you having to listen to her complain......that's a part of being married.....consider if anything were to happen to you wife, (Car accident, Cancer), you would give anything to listen to her complain then wouldn't you?

[moimeme]

Read this: <URL removed>

[MeanNewYorker]

Dude, I hear ya, but when you give it a closer look, some of those differences aren't that big a deal. I'm pretty young and I occasionally find myself grappling with these thoughts. It's funny, I'm from NYC, born and raised, my wife is from Jersey, totall suburbanite and all that. When we married, I thought my days in the city were numbered, but since we both have jobs in Manhattan, we figured for the first few years we'd live here. She was dreading it. Turns out now, three and half years later and we have enough money to consider purchasig a home outside the city, my wife insists that we stay here, she loves it. So maybe rent a small apartment in your city for you guys to go to occasionally and maybe your wife will warm up to it.

 

The other thing is that, sure you can tell yourself that you find all the similar qualities you desire in another woman, but don't be fooled in to thinking that a) she's not going to have characteristics about her that will drive you nuts b) no matter how similar she seems to you, there will be things that are simply not what you originally thought.

 

I think the best thing to do is sit back and think to yourself about all the reasons why you love her, about why you initially wanted to marry this woman, about how happy she can make you feel and how happy you can make her feel. I mean people change, but they really don't change that much. It's harder to rid oneself of personality trait than it is to master all the worlds languages combined. So take a look at what's great about her, not what sucks, or else you both'll never be happy.

 

 

Is the glass half full or half empty?