He just disappeared...

[kandygurl22]

Hi guys...

 

So my bf of a year has just disappeared on me..

 

A few days before Christmas, I hadn't heard from him for a few days and sent a text asking if he's ok... I get a response from him saying his uncle had just died, his mother wasn't coping well, one of his kids is really sick and he's still recovering from being sick too, work was hounding him and everything was crazy for him.

 

So I sent him my condolences and told him I'd give him some space to deal with everything etc... He's never been one to really talk about things that upset him. I didn't hear from him for 10 days (including Christmas and New Year which was upsetting) after that to where he apologized for going missing for so long but it was all still going on but he'd explain it all to me one day. A few texts back and forth and I said when it all calms down for him then yeah we can talk about it...

 

It's been almost three weeks now and no word... And it's been a month and a half since we saw each other last. I haven't texted him either because I feel like I'd be bugging him and I don't want to look like I'm upset when he's got all of this on his plate but after this long, and I don't want to look needy. But are we even still together? Will I ever hear from him or has he decided it's all too much and moved on? I don't know what to do or if I should start moving on by now too? Some of my friends say it's really rude to shut me out and some say he might just need some time. But why would he want to shut me out? I know he's back to work etc, so I just don't understand why he hasn't found the time or want to talk to me by now?

[DanF]

He's gone.

You need to move on as well.

[mammasita]

He's being rude and inconsiderate. No matter what types of personal issues he has, there is no excuse for ignoring you and shutting you out after a year together.

[kandygurl22]

He's being rude and inconsiderate. No matter what types of personal issues he has, there is no excuse for ignoring you and shutting you out after a year together.

 

That's how I feel.

 

Do you think I should just ignore him back? I don't know what reason he would have to do that to me though and I also feel like I deserve an explanation/closure but I'm afraid if I try to call him then I'll look like an idiot.

 

What would you do?

[stevie_23]

This is just terrible. I will never understand how people can do this to someone they’re supposed to love. It seems as if he doesn’t want to be with you. NORMALLY, from my point of view (which is not everyone’s and not necessarily the RIGHT point of view), if your partner of a year is in love with you and happy with you and is going through hard times in their life, they would need you and want you MORE during those times, even if they don’t always share things with you and try to deal with hard times alone. So for him to just…leave…it tells me he doesn’t want to be with you for whatever reason and is telling you only part of the story. The parts that don't relate to his feelings.

 

If it were me, I would NOT feel stupid in trying to talk to him about why he’s done this. I would tell him I am hurt and I know he’s going through very hard times and I understand if he feels he doesn’t want to share those with me, but we HAVE been together for quite some time and if he is choosing to leave me, I want him to tell me with real reasons that relate to his feelings for me.

[mammasita]

That's how I feel.

 

Do you think I should just ignore him back? I don't know what reason he would have to do that to me though and I also feel like I deserve an explanation/closure but I'm afraid if I try to call him then I'll look like an idiot.

 

What would you do?

 

If it were me I would try to contact him and get closure.

 

I know many wont agree with that and will advise you to cut your losses and move on. My rational self would tell you the same thing - cut your losses and move on. My emotional, in love self would make attempts to contact him and anyone close to him (friends, family) for answers.

[kandygurl22]

This is just terrible. I will never understand how people can do this to someone they’re supposed to love. It seems as if he doesn’t want to be with you. NORMALLY, from my point of view (which is not everyone’s and not necessarily the RIGHT point of view), if your partner of a year is in love with you and happy with you and is going through hard times in their life, they would need you and want you MORE during those times, even if they don’t always share things with you and try to deal with hard times alone. So for him to just…leave…it tells me he doesn’t want to be with you for whatever reason and is telling you only part of the story. The parts that don't relate to his feelings.

 

I know, it's so cruel and it's just left me totally confused and heartbroken because I just can't understand it.

We've had our ups and down like any couple, but up until this point, we were doing just fine so I can't wrap my head around any possible reason for such a sudden change in attitude.

 

When he did text three weeks ago he did ask me to meet him so he could tell me everything that was going on but I was still upset about not hearing from him over the holidays so I said no. I regret it so bad now, I should have gone to hear him out and now I may never ever know why.

 

I'm just so upset, I feel like I'm worthless cause after a year he just threw what we had away so easily.

[kandygurl22]

If it were me I would try to contact him and get closure.

 

I know many wont agree with that and will advise you to cut your losses and move on. My rational self would tell you the same thing - cut your losses and move on. My emotional, in love self would make attempts to contact him and anyone close to him (friends, family) for answers.

 

 

I guess if I try to call once and he doesn't answer or call me back then to save my own dignity, I will leave it after just trying that once?

I'm also scared that if I try to call I will ruin all the progress I have made trying to move on with my life... I just want the feeling of breaking broken and miserable to go away as quickly as possible!!

[Eddie Edirol]

I guess if I try to call once and he doesn't answer or call me back then to save my own dignity, I will leave it after just trying that once?

I'm also scared that if I try to call I will ruin all the progress I have made trying to move on with my life... I just want the feeling of breaking broken and miserable to go away as quickly as possible!!

 

The feeling of misery wont go away quickly no matter what you do. He obviously didnt feel like you had anything special like you feel if he doesnt want to contact you. Your closure will come from you, not him. He doesnt owe you an explanation, even if it would be considerate. But I tell you now, if you talk to him, you will chance that he will set your progress back for sure. BTW if you were doing just fine, you obviously missed some subtle hints that he wasnt happy.

 

On the other hand, if he really had tragedy and cant handle it and you simultaneously, you would kjuist have to move on, and if he comes looking for you after its all done, you make decision then. You might decide when youre over it, at that point, that you dont want to be with someone who would shut you out during the family problems.

 

But I'm a cynic, I believe he was using all of those excuses because he knew you would believe him. Those are too many at once.

[stevie_23]

I'm just so upset, I feel like I'm worthless cause after a year he just threw what we had away so easily.

 

I know how this feels. I was with my ex for almost 2 years and then he just...left. Didn't even tell me he was doing so. He just stopped talking to me. Eventually he told me he couldn't be with me anymore and had been trying to move on. THANKS FOR TELLING *ME* THAT!

[kandygurl22]

The feeling of misery wont go away quickly no matter what you do. He obviously didnt feel like you had anything special like you feel if he doesnt want to contact you. Your closure will come from you, not him. He doesnt owe you an explanation, even if it would be considerate. But I tell you now, if you talk to him, you will chance that he will set your progress back for sure. BTW if you were doing just fine, you obviously missed some subtle hints that he wasnt happy.

 

On the other hand, if he really had tragedy and cant handle it and you simultaneously, you would kjuist have to move on, and if he comes looking for you after its all done, you make decision then. You might decide when youre over it, at that point, that you dont want to be with someone who would shut you out during the family problems.

 

But I'm a cynic, I believe he was using all of those excuses because he knew you would believe him. Those are too many at once.

 

Yeah that is true... but at the same time, it's more confusing cause we had problems in the past and I was the one that was unhappy but lately HE was the one really making an effort and begging for me to give him a chance to make it work because he 'couldn't live without me' and he was doing so good and we really were happy again..

 

I know if he does come back after all of this, I won't take him back because I can't be with someone who will treat me this way, but it still hurts all the same...

 

But you're right in that that was way too many excuses and it just sounds dodgy!

[KraftDinner]

I would just write him and say goodbye.

 

He's being a chicken 5h1t. It's clearly over on his end.

 

Really? Your uncle dies and that translates into not talking to your gf? I call BS. He'll never provide closure for you. Provide it for him and say bye bye.

[kandygurl22]

I know how this feels. I was with my ex for almost 2 years and then he just...left. Didn't even tell me he was doing so. He just stopped talking to me. Eventually he told me he couldn't be with me anymore and had been trying to move on. THANKS FOR TELLING *ME* THAT!

 

 

Aw what a jerk... I can't understand how they can't just take the time to say it to your face and then everyone's on the same page. It is so incredibly selfish to do that to someone and they're only thinking about what they want.

 

How long did it take you to get over it without closure? Did you try to contact him or did he come back to you with an explanation on his own? I don't know if I should just wait it out and let him be the one to contact and HOPEFULLY by then, I won't care anymore anyway!

[kandygurl22]

I would just write him and say goodbye.

 

He's being a chicken 5h1t. It's clearly over on his end.

 

Really? Your uncle dies and that translates into not talking to your gf? I call BS. He'll never provide closure for you. Provide it for him and say bye bye.

 

I do want to say something... I just have no idea how I would say it or what I would say to him - I don't want to come off as weak and the only person who cares about this relationship if he can't man the fk up and do the right thing by me! :@

[stevie_23]

Well…it’s been just over 6 weeks now, and I can’t say I AM over it. I’m just not distressed and nauseous with chest pains and frequent crying anymore, that’s all. Lol. I can SEE a future for myself that isn’t clouded with black clouds, you know?

 

He DID explain finally, sort of. Not really. Those who say even if you get some sort of explanation that it won’t bring you closure are correct. It won’t. It didn’t for me. Mainly because they simply want to leave for whatever their reasons are, and none of those reasons are properly explained because (a) they’re never going to be sufficient for us, because our feelings haven’t changed unlike their’s, and (b) they don’t even understand their reasons themselves. It’s just their feelings. Often they find it hard to admit their feelings have changed even to themselves.

 

How did I try to move on…I believed he really did love me during our time together. I knew he treated me amazingly well during that time. There are a lot of difficult / impossible circumstances surrounding our relationship and the potential for it to continue (was long distance, online and also we were both with other people so we were each other’s affair), and I believe if all of those hadn’t existed, he would still be with me. I have not held onto any anger. I will never understand how he could do it to me the way he did, but I DO know it’s all about HIM and not me.

 

Oh, and yes I DID try to contact him. Of course I did. We had been in daily contact, almost constant contact, for almost 2 years. I was shocked when he just…stopped. I didn’t know what had happened. Our last conversation ended in a brief fight and he left. That was it. So for the first few days of no contact I thought he was just still mad at me, so I sent emails and texts, apologising. No response. After 5 days I worried something had happened to him. Then 8 days later he wrote a SONG that he posted on a songwriting forum he goes on, and it basically said we were over. At this stage I still thought he must be angry at me from the week before, so I now started sending messages to him via that forum (seeing as he wasn’t checking his email or phone), and 3 days later he FINALLY wrote back, explaining. Sort of. I tried again to write to him…to “convince” him…to reason with him. Nope. I then stopped and haven’t talked to him since December 21.

Edited January 21, 2013 by stevie_23

[kandygurl22]

Well…it’s been just over 6 weeks now, and I can’t say I AM over it. I’m just not distressed and nauseous with chest pains and frequent crying anymore, that’s all. Lol. I can SEE a future for myself that isn’t clouded with black clouds, you know?

 

He DID explain finally, sort of. Not really. Those who say even if you get some sort of explanation that it won’t bring you closure are correct. It won’t. It didn’t for me. Mainly because they simply want to leave for whatever their reasons are, and none of those reasons are properly explained because (a) they’re never going to be sufficient for us, because our feelings haven’t changed unlike their’s, and (b) they don’t even understand their reasons themselves. It’s just their feelings. Often they find it hard to admit their feelings have changed even to themselves.

 

How did I try to move on…I believed he really did love me during our time together. I knew he treated me amazingly well during that time. There are a lot of difficult / impossible circumstances surrounding our relationship and the potential for it to continue (was long distance, online and also we were both with other people so we were each other’s affair), and I believe if all of those hadn’t existed, he would still be with me. I have not held onto any anger. I will never understand how he could do it to me the way he did, but I DO know it’s all about HIM and not me.

 

Oh, and yes I DID try to contact him. Of course I did. We had been in daily contact, almost constant contact, for almost 2 years. I was shocked when he just…stopped. I didn’t know what had happened. Our last conversation ended in a brief fight and he left. That was it. So for the first few days of no contact I thought he was just still mad at me, so I sent emails and texts, apologising. No response. After 5 days I worried something had happened to him. Then 8 days later he wrote a SONG that he posted on a songwriting forum he goes on, and it basically said we were over. At this stage I still thought he must be angry at me from the week before, so I now started sending messages to him via that forum (seeing as he wasn’t checking his email or phone), and 3 days later he FINALLY wrote back, explaining. Sort of. I tried again to write to him…to “convince” him…to reason with him. Nope. I then stopped and haven’t talked to him since December 21.

 

Aw I'm sorry to hear that... It's still fresh for you too... but I am happy to hear that you are slowly healing... I guess the part that hurts the most is the uncertainty and never getting a straight answer so you wonder over and over if it is something wrong with you?

 

That's true though, I guess no matter what explanation I get, it doesn't change the fact that he's done what he's done. That I don't think I can ever forgive even though I just wish we could go back to being how we used to be.

 

That's really cruel of your ex to do that too seeing as you tried so many times to contact him and he could just brush it off like that. It's been so hard for me to not try to make contact but I guess if the end result will be the same either way and as much as I want to talk to him, I don't want to take steps backward when I'll end up at the same place anyway. I probably won't call him though, I'm still really torn on what to do. All I want is for him to man up and contact me and tell me what he's too scared to say to my face so we can both move on... Ugh... These kind of guys are just absolutely selfish. I will never know how you can say you love somebody and then treat them like this with no respect or concern for how they feel.

 

*hugs*

[stevie_23]

I know. It really does confuse me how they can do that. And I really do believe it is ALL about them. Not just that their behaviour is selfish, but they simply are unable to FEEL how others feel when THEY are overwhelmed with their own feelings, whatever they may be.

 

I believe your ex loved you while you were together, same as I believe mine did. But...for whatever reason, love wasn't / isn't enough.

 

And hey, you did NOTHING wrong. At all. And neither did I.

[kandygurl22]

I know. It really does confuse me how they can do that. And I really do believe it is ALL about them. Not just that their behaviour is selfish, but they simply are unable to FEEL how others feel when THEY are overwhelmed with their own feelings, whatever they may be.

 

I believe your ex loved you while you were together, same as I believe mine did. But...for whatever reason, love wasn't / isn't enough.

 

And hey, you did NOTHING wrong. At all. And neither did I.

 

I guess in the end we are better off than being in love with people who won't put us first and who can't empathize the pain and hurt that they cause us and are able to walk away and leave us like that without a care in the world.

 

I do believe he truly loved me too, however I just don't think he loved me enough, and he definitely wasn't capable of loving anyone more than he loves himself - how can you just suddenly stop loving somebody like that?

 

We didn't do a thing wrong!!! We really don't deserve to have our hearts stomped on like that.

[stevie_23]

Yeah, we definitely don't deserve to have our hearts thrown away and stomped on. Definitely not. They don't see it that way though, because they're not able to.

 

Sometimes I wonder if they think it'd be harder on us if they were honest. Mostly I just think they can't access how it feels to be on the other foot and so just kind of move on and don't realise what they've done.

 

And what you said about being better off? It's hard. Because while we ARE better off given the current situation, we hurt still because during the time we were with them, it was good and so it's hard to consistently believe we're better off now than we were back THEN. Cause we probably aren't. But given the reality that we're now trying to accept and deal with, we ARE better off.

 

And yes, we don't deserve to feel hurt and bad because of THEIR actions and feelings. So we should try not to. It's their choice, their feelings. We have to deal with the result, unfortunately, but we are still good people and not affected in terms of our sense of self worth by THEM.

[MyAngel]

My first boyfriend upped and left me without an explanation, no goodbye, nothing. Thanks for the abandonment issues *******!!

 

I'm so sorry you have had to go through similar treatment. It is NOT fair how people think this is the right way to end a relationship. They are cowards and unworthy of your love.

[kandygurl22]

Yeah, we definitely don't deserve to have our hearts thrown away and stomped on. Definitely not. They don't see it that way though, because they're not able to.

 

Sometimes I wonder if they think it'd be harder on us if they were honest. Mostly I just think they can't access how it feels to be on the other foot and so just kind of move on and don't realise what they've done.

 

And what you said about being better off? It's hard. Because while we ARE better off given the current situation, we hurt still because during the time we were with them, it was good and so it's hard to consistently believe we're better off now than we were back THEN. Cause we probably aren't. But given the reality that we're now trying to accept and deal with, we ARE better off.

 

And yes, we don't deserve to feel hurt and bad because of THEIR actions and feelings. So we should try not to. It's their choice, their feelings. We have to deal with the result, unfortunately, but we are still good people and not affected in terms of our sense of self worth by THEM.

 

That's true but I really don't think they were trying to spare us on doing that. I know with my ex, he was well aware of my anxiety and how much he hurts me when he disappears - he's gone MIA for 4 days before a few times over things like sickness etc and it's like I wasted my breath telling him how I felt and his empty apologies when he did the same thing over and over.

 

I know what you mean with we are better off/we aren't better off - but I guess the way I am trying to make myself feel better about it is to look at it long term... I don't think I'd want a man who is so blocked off emotionally and can't communicate when things go wrong - I couldn't imagine going through this forever every single time something in his life goes unsmooth and he would rather disappear than talk through things and make a solid effort. I think these guys have commitment issues and that's not an attractive quality for someone I'd want a real future with.

 

The hardest part is not laying this all down to our self worth - He always told me everything he knew I wanted to hear, but his actions said different which makes me question how much he felt for me to start with.

Do you ever wonder if he misses you as much as you do him? It hurts to think he probably doesn't.

[ana0pera]

kandygurl22, have you tried calling him or leaving a message? has he just not contacted you, or has he not responded to any contact that you've made?

 

If it's the latter, he's an ass. My ex did the exact same thing. He's been having family issues and we were rocky, and when I asked to talk about us he kept putting it off until I told him I couldn't handle it anymore. Then he acted like nothing happened and I thought we could maybe work it out and I could get closure but I called him out on it and he never responded. I can only assume now that he is never going to grow up.

 

If it's the former, though, I'd suggest you reach out to him. I feel like it's unusual behavior and maybe I like to give people the benefit of the doubt more than they deserve, but this could be affecting him more than you'd think (especially if it's impacting other members of his family that he's close to). My one regret with my ex is that because we were having relationship issues while he had a lot going on with his family, I didn't really take the time to make sure he was okay, I just sort of lashed out on him. That doesn't excuse how he treated me, but I could've acted more mature too. I am still hurt and confused because this type of behavior is not like him at all and he knows how much I love him--he just gave me the complete cold shoulder. If this is happening to you too, I am sorry, but it's time to try moving on.

 

Don't worry about coming off as needy, and you don't have to come off as upset either. You deserve answers though. Send him a message like this:

"hey XX, how are you? I know that things have been rough lately but I am thinking about you and I miss you. I am here for you and would love to see you soon."

[ana0pera]

Do you ever wonder if he misses you as much as you do him? It hurts to think he probably doesn't.

 

Also, lately I have been wondering this every.waking.moment. Possibly in my sleep too (luckily I don't remember my dreams).

 

Like I said before, maybe I am too much of an idealist, or just too naïve, but I cannot believe that someone who has shown so much affection, sensitivity, and

vulnerability to their partner can just get up and leave without it hurting at all. I am really bad at NC and I have given up trying to keep it. Doesn't matter though because everytime I initiate contact it's just as if I am talking to myself. I know that he sees my messages and chooses to ignore them, that's the worse part. I just don't know if he is ignoring them because he's hurt too and trying to keep NC, or if takes pleasure in my pain. I really really hope it's not the latter, but part of me thinks that he has moved on already and could care less that I am suffering. The last time we had a break he was not like this, he tried to help me heal when I reached out to him. But this time, nothing.

 

Know that you are worth more than your relationship with him, and that a relationship does not define your self-worth. If he is lying to you about how he feels regarding you, he is not worth your time. There is obviously something wrong with him if he can't be honest with someone he "loves," the problem does not lie with you.

[stevie_23]

I know with my ex, he was well aware of my anxiety and how much he hurts me when he disappears - he's gone MIA for 4 days before a few times over things like sickness etc and it's like I wasted my breath telling him how I felt and his empty apologies when he did the same thing over and over.

 

The hardest part is not laying this all down to our self worth - He always told me everything he knew I wanted to hear, but his actions said different which makes me question how much he felt for me to start with.

Do you ever wonder if he misses you as much as you do him? It hurts to think he probably doesn't.

 

My ex also disappeared twice before he actually left me for good! In both cases we'd had a fight and he went MIA to think. Then he came back, very sorry and promising never to do it again. He knew how it tortured and devastated me. But...hmmmm.

 

Also, do I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him? I don't let myself wonder about this much. Because I can't ever know. I think he misses me, but he switches it off so he can try and be ok with the situation.

[kandygurl22]

Also, lately I have been wondering this every.waking.moment. Possibly in my sleep too (luckily I don't remember my dreams).

 

Like I said before, maybe I am too much of an idealist, or just too naïve, but I cannot believe that someone who has shown so much affection, sensitivity, and

vulnerability to their partner can just get up and leave without it hurting at all. I am really bad at NC and I have given up trying to keep it. Doesn't matter though because everytime I initiate contact it's just as if I am talking to myself. I know that he sees my messages and chooses to ignore them, that's the worse part. I just don't know if he is ignoring them because he's hurt too and trying to keep NC, or if takes pleasure in my pain. I really really hope it's not the latter, but part of me thinks that he has moved on already and could care less that I am suffering. The last time we had a break he was not like this, he tried to help me heal when I reached out to him. But this time, nothing.

 

Know that you are worth more than your relationship with him, and that a relationship does not define your self-worth. If he is lying to you about how he feels regarding you, he is not worth your time. There is obviously something wrong with him if he can't be honest with someone he "loves," the problem does not lie with you.

 

 

Hey ana

 

Yeah well I did contact him initially when he'd been MIA for the first 4 or 5 days, and he replied but then I heard nothing back until after New Years asking me to meet him for a coffee to explain - but by then I was SO pissed that I heard nothing from him on Christmas or New years, so like you, yes I couldn't help it and I lashed out at him too, which in hindsight I wish I was a bit more understanding about but he already knows how his disappearing act affects me so I was hurt that he just kept doing it over and over so TBH I don't know why yet again I always have to pretend I'm ok to accommodate him when it's a constant thing for him to be under some kind of pressure or issue in his hectic life. Why doesn't he ever acknowledge how I feel? Why is it always him first?

 

I guess we sound similar with how we both reacted to our exes but I still don't think that when something bad happens in your life it justifies abandoning your partner. Bad times should make a couple stronger, not tear them apart.

 

How long ago did your ex disappear? I'm sorry to hear that he doesn't respond It's really rude cause if someone else is going to make the effort and act like the better person, even if you don't want them back in your life, you still should acknowledge that they put themselves out there!!

 

I do want to text him, however I'm getting held back because this has happened before - not for 3 weeks, only for a week before, 4 days before and 3 days the time before that but we had a huge talk after it every time and he PROMISED to never do it again after seeing how much it hurt me when he disappeared cause of a sickness or family problem or whatever excuse he had ready for the day. It makes me think that this guy doesn't even deserve my sympathy, cause he doesn't sympathize for me with all the pain that he KNOWS he causes me. I have given this guy the benefit of the doubt so many times, he just sweet talks me and begs me back usually but this time he's vanished. It's honestly just really bizarre but it is such a headf**k for me to always wonder what is going on with him, in a way, being NC with him is giving me a little break from being stressed out