He just disappeared...

[kandygurl22]

My ex also disappeared twice before he actually left me for good! In both cases we'd had a fight and he went MIA to think. Then he came back, very sorry and promising never to do it again. He knew how it tortured and devastated me. But...hmmmm.

 

Also, do I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him? I don't let myself wonder about this much. Because I can't ever know. I think he misses me, but he switches it off so he can try and be ok with the situation.

 

 

How long did he leave for the first few times?

 

I HATE those empty promises, it just shows a total lack of consideration. If you TRULY love someone, why would you EVER want to see them in that kind of pain ever again? Wouldn't you do everything in your power to never do that same thing to them again?

 

It's just so weird cause at one point, I was so over my ex being on/off with communication so I disappeared for a month and my god, was he a total mess. He came back crying, professing his love like crazy, showing me non stop attention...trying to be everything perfect I wanted... fade out to a month after that and he's now disappeared. Yes, it was November he made it out like he 'is a changed man' after realizing how 'empty' his life was without me and 'he'd be stupid to ever give me a reason to leave' again. like, WTF?

 

PFFFT... lol can you sense my bitterness???

 

Do you think that maybe thinking what you WANT the other person to think also helps with moving on? If we make ourselves believe that he misses us, maybe that can be our own kind of closure? I don't know. I'm an over-thinker and over-analyzer too and that's what makes any situation so much worse than it should.

[ana0pera]

my ex's disappearing act started right before new year's. he kept coming in and out, the week after new years he promised he'd be available for me so that we could talk and i would make myself available for him but he'd cancel at the last minute. i called him out on it and he just said there was a lot on his mind. And ever since he hasn't been responsive. Maybe he needs more time, I don't know, but I can't sit around and wait for him to want to talk about what's bothering him or to be on the same page with me about a break up. It is incredibly selfish and rude, especially because I am open with him and have blatantly asked him if he wanted to end it with me. no direct response to that, but then random text messages about other things with affection emoticons. wtf?!?!?

 

I agree with you, tough times like this should bring couples together. Someone once told me in regards to this relationship (when we were having problems a while back, he isn't a great communicator like your guy, just doesn't want to talk about his problems) that if he's like this now, he will never change. I hoped that wasn't true but now I believe it. On the bright side, perhaps you can ask yourself if you'd want to marry a guy like this who can't open up to you? I know that I don't, but it's hard to reconcile those realities with the fact that the man I love is like that.

[stevie_23]

See, back in the day when we were together, we'd be in contact pretty much CONSTANTLY whenever we were both awake (cause of our 14-15 hour time difference). We'd be in contact as soon as I woke up every morning for about 5 hours until he went to bed, then we'd be in contact as soon as he woke up until I went to bed, about 4 hours later. When we weren't in direct contact, we'd be doing videos for each other, writing emails and just always thinking of each other.

 

So the first time he "vanished", it was for 3 days. They were SOO bad. I didn't know whether he'd come back, because he'd never done anything like that before. I sent him emails, left voicemails on his phone, crying...I thought if he reads or listens to any of this, he MUST come back. And when he didn't, after day 2, I was appalled and shocked. But then when he DID come back, he said he hadn't checked any of his email or phone, etc. He couldn't. Lost in his own stuff. He said he was surprised I wasn't angry at him. He expected major anger from me when he came back, and was surprised I had gotten so upset and scared instead.

 

The second time was 3 months after the first time, and was only for 2 days. He wasn't quite as apologetic that time, and I was more angry. So...

 

Oh, and yeah, I've tried over and over and OVER putting "words in his mouth" so to speak. Going over in my head, scenarios and daydreams where he tells me what I need or want to hear. It helps very temporarily, but really...no, it doesn't help at all. Cause I know it's not true.

[kandygurl22]

my ex's disappearing act started right before new year's. he kept coming in and out, the week after new years he promised he'd be available for me so that we could talk and i would make myself available for him but he'd cancel at the last minute. i called him out on it and he just said there was a lot on his mind. And ever since he hasn't been responsive. Maybe he needs more time, I don't know, but I can't sit around and wait for him to want to talk about what's bothering him or to be on the same page with me about a break up. It is incredibly selfish and rude, especially because I am open with him and have blatantly asked him if he wanted to end it with me. no direct response to that, but then random text messages about other things with affection emoticons. wtf?!?!?

 

I agree with you, tough times like this should bring couples together. Someone once told me in regards to this relationship (when we were having problems a while back, he isn't a great communicator like your guy, just doesn't want to talk about his problems) that if he's like this now, he will never change. I hoped that wasn't true but now I believe it. On the bright side, perhaps you can ask yourself if you'd want to marry a guy like this who can't open up to you? I know that I don't, but it's hard to reconcile those realities with the fact that the man I love is like that.

 

It seems like by coming in and out, it's like he was mulling over his decision to disappear and ever so nicely failed to mention it to you. Have you given up on trying to contact him? It is a major trip out when they come back with random texts like they've done nothing. When my ex texted 3 weeks ago after being MIA for 10 days, there was a text, no explanation at first, just "Hey baby, do you want to meet up for coffee if I come past soon?" and I was like WTF?? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? And then I get an apology and explanation, but his apology means **** considering he disappeared again straight after those texts. Like, what is the point??? Are they trying to prolong our pain or something, to see how long we will hang on for?

 

That's exactly right, they will never change. I don't know how old your guy is but mine is 35 and I am 25 so I think at his age, he is just wired like that and it's too late for any real kind of changes. That's just how he is, and who he is, and no, I couldn't imagine marrying him and putting up with that sh*t for the rest of my life. A relationship is between two people, but these guys only think of themselves.

 

You are SO spot on with that "it's hard to reconcile those realities with the fact that the man I love is like that" - which then comes down to my self worth - Why did I allow myself to love a man like this, why did I keep giving him chances? Surely that must speak something about my self esteem if I let someone make the same mistakes to me over and over again.

[Ariella1984]

Oh my god! What a d-bag! How you date someone for a year and pull a Houdini act like that? That is not a man, that is a boy. Coward!

 

IMO, you deserve an explanation and have every right to ask him for one. However, be prepared to be fed a bunch of mumbo jumbo BS. I still feel like I'd I were you I would call him and at least tell him off

[kandygurl22]

See, back in the day when we were together, we'd be in contact pretty much CONSTANTLY whenever we were both awake (cause of our 14-15 hour time difference). We'd be in contact as soon as I woke up every morning for about 5 hours until he went to bed, then we'd be in contact as soon as he woke up until I went to bed, about 4 hours later. When we weren't in direct contact, we'd be doing videos for each other, writing emails and just always thinking of each other.

 

So the first time he "vanished", it was for 3 days. They were SOO bad. I didn't know whether he'd come back, because he'd never done anything like that before. I sent him emails, left voicemails on his phone, crying...I thought if he reads or listens to any of this, he MUST come back. And when he didn't, after day 2, I was appalled and shocked. But then when he DID come back, he said he hadn't checked any of his email or phone, etc. He couldn't. Lost in his own stuff. He said he was surprised I wasn't angry at him. He expected major anger from me when he came back, and was surprised I had gotten so upset and scared instead.

 

The second time was 3 months after the first time, and was only for 2 days. He wasn't quite as apologetic that time, and I was more angry. So...

 

Oh, and yeah, I've tried over and over and OVER putting "words in his mouth" so to speak. Going over in my head, scenarios and daydreams where he tells me what I need or want to hear. It helps very temporarily, but really...no, it doesn't help at all. Cause I know it's not true.

 

Aww you guys sounded like you were so close... you sound closer and more in contact more often with each other than me and my ex...

 

But where the hell does all that love and affection go? You would think that they would slowly fade out and you'd see it coming and have a chance to process it, but it's like they went to bed one night and woke up and didn't love you anymore.

 

Wow you sound so much like how I reacted when my ex disappeared the first few times... totally the same reaction from him too! The first time he was soooo apologetic, the next it was less, then less etc... He fed me excuses about not checking his phone or blah blah blah, but you know what, if the tables were turned, I would have my phone by my side ready to contact him when I could no matter what I was going through! That's what you do when you love someone...

And if your ex saw how upset and scared you were the first time, what the hell was his reasons to do it to you again? That kind of crap makes me question if they truly loved us in the first place or if it was all just words.

[kandygurl22]

Oh my god! What a d-bag! How you date someone for a year and pull a Houdini act like that? That is not a man, that is a boy. Coward!

 

IMO, you deserve an explanation and have every right to ask him for one. However, be prepared to be fed a bunch of mumbo jumbo BS. I still feel like I'd I were you I would call him and at least tell him off

 

I know! I never knew people could be so f*****g selfish and hurtful without a moment's notice.

 

Believe me, I do want to call him up and rip him apart but he is so good at his BS and excuses that I always get sucked back into it believing that he will change 'this time', so I suppose this time I want to be stronger than that and not give this ass face yet another chance to do right by me cause it just won't ever happen!

[stevie_23]

I do still believe he loved me. He had a heap of stuff he was constantly struggling with in his own life and mind. It’s different to your situation. He was married. His wife was always on his case and paranoid about us, she found out about us FOUR separate times. The last time was just too much for him. He’s 61, I’m 34. He lives across the world from me. I’ve been with my real life partner for 11.5 years. Neither of us could come and be with the other properly. We wanted to do that, but then…some other stuff happened in his life that made that possibility an IMpossibility. Then we decided to just stay together online / text and be happy with that, but…it got too hard. He was always trying to juggle and balance his “two lives”. Mine and his, and his.

[kandygurl22]

I do still believe he loved me. He had a heap of stuff he was constantly struggling with in his own life and mind. It’s different to your situation. He was married. His wife was always on his case and paranoid about us, she found out about us FOUR separate times. The last time was just too much for him. He’s 61, I’m 34. He lives across the world from me. I’ve been with my real life partner for 11.5 years. Neither of us could come and be with the other properly. We wanted to do that, but then…some other stuff happened in his life that made that possibility an IMpossibility. Then we decided to just stay together online / text and be happy with that, but…it got too hard. He was always trying to juggle and balance his “two lives”. Mine and his, and his.

 

No... not that different at all... Mine was married too - separated but still in the same house due to the kids. He was not with his wife, I believe him with that, his wife hated his guts and wanted him to move out, but our relationship was still a secret to his family until he was to officially divorced. I met his closest friends and everything though, we did try to keep it as 'normal' as possible, and yes I really believed he did love me too, I could feel it and I don't think you can fake a feeling like that. But that's exactly right with the two lives thing. I guess it was all too much for him in the end, but so incredibly selfish to not let me go when I tried to leave so many times, and kept me there with promises that never eventuated. And after reading so many forums and articles about separated men in relationships, it just made me question my naivety and wonder if this whole time he was just feeding me lies. I guess I couldn't trust him by the end either which is why when he disappeared, I'd never feel secure with what he was doing.

 

Did you ever see your ex in person much or was it mostly an emotional relationship? Was he still close with his wife? These situations never end up happily ever after.

[stevie_23]

Oh wow, I didn’t know your’s was married too! Mine lived with his wife (they weren’t married when we got together. They only got married 6 months ago. She’d asked him the year before but he said no. Didn’t want to. He only wanted to be married to me. But this time, 6 months ago, circumstances forced his hand. Health and financial reasons.) and her 3 adult kids, who he doesn’t like.

 

Yeah, you can tell when they love you. If nothing else, because when they leave, it’s SUCH a huge difference in how they act! So they DID love us before, obviously. He was amazing to me. Always treated me wonderfully.

 

My ex and I never met in person. I live in Australia, he’s in the US. He couldn’t come and visit me as his wife would be like…WHAT!? He’d have to leave her in order to do that. I couldn’t go over to visit him for the same reason. We wanted to meet, before he got married. We were trying to get to that point. To see how things went when we met and to see where to go after that. But we never got there.

 

It was an emotional relationship. But it was…everything. We were very affectionate and physical and sexual even though obviously it wasn’t in person. It still was real. The feelings.

 

And yeah, these things VERY rarely end well. Sometimes they do though.

 

He said he wasn’t very close with his wife. I mean, he obviously cared for her. But…on a typical day, she’d get up at 5.30am, get ready for work, leave at 6.20am. He’d get up just after her, go for a run, come back, get showered and dressed, go and hang out in his music studio (where his computer was) and chat with me online. As soon as she’d leave, we’d be together. After our time together, he’d go to work. His wife would get home about 2 hours before him. When he got home, he’d make dinner, then clean up, and then he’d go into the studio again for the remainder of the night. We couldn’t be together then because she was home. (back in the day, we would always be together whether she was home or not, but after she kept finding out about us, he had to be much more careful) But even when he wasn’t with me, he still wouldn’t be with her.

 

For a while, in the mornings if his wife wasn’t working early and before he got his new office job, he’d get up early still, have his shower and get dressed, even though he had nowhere he had to be, and we’d be together before she got up, but once she did get up, he’d instantly go out in his truck, and then drive to a parking lot, get a coffee, and sit in the truck and text me for a few hours before I’d go to bed. Then he’d go back home again.

 

They never spoke about anything much. Chit chat, casual stuff, she’d talk a lot about her work and concerns with the kids. He never shared much of his thoughts with her.

Edited January 21, 2013 by stevie_23

[kandygurl22]

Oh wow, I didn’t know your’s was married too! Mine lived with his wife (they weren’t married when we got together. They only got married 6 months ago. She’d asked him the year before but he said no. Didn’t want to. He only wanted to be married to me. But this time, 6 months ago, circumstances forced his hand. Health and financial reasons.) and her 3 adult kids, who he doesn’t like.

 

Yeah, you can tell when they love you. If nothing else, because when they leave, it’s SUCH a huge difference in how they act! So they DID love us before, obviously. He was amazing to me. Always treated me wonderfully.

 

My ex and I never met in person. I live in Australia, he’s in the US. He couldn’t come and visit me as his wife would be like…WHAT!? He’d have to leave her in order to do that. I couldn’t go over to visit him for the same reason. We wanted to meet, before he got married. We were trying to get to that point. To see how things went when we met and to see where to go after that. But we never got there.

 

It was an emotional relationship. But it was…everything. We were very affectionate and physical and sexual even though obviously it wasn’t in person. It still was real. The feelings.

 

And yeah, these things VERY rarely end well. Sometimes they do though.

 

He said he wasn’t very close with his wife. I mean, he obviously cared for her. But…on a typical day, she’d get up at 5.30am, get ready for work, leave at 6.20am. He’d get up just after her, go for a run, come back, get showered and dressed, go and hang out in his music studio (where his computer was) and chat with me online. As soon as she’d leave, we’d be together. After our time together, he’d go to work. His wife would get home about 2 hours before him. When he got home, he’d make dinner, then clean up, and then he’d go into the studio again for the remainder of the night. We couldn’t be together then because she was home. (back in the day, we would always be together whether she was home or not, but after she kept finding out about us, he had to be much more careful) But even when he wasn’t with me, he still wouldn’t be with her.

 

For a while, in the mornings if his wife wasn’t working early and before he got his new office job, he’d get up early still, have his shower and get dressed, even though he had nowhere he had to be, and we’d be together before she got up, but once she did get up, he’d instantly go out in his truck, and then drive to a parking lot, get a coffee, and sit in the truck and text me for a few hours before I’d go to bed. Then he’d go back home again.

 

They never spoke about anything much. Chit chat, casual stuff, she’d talk a lot about her work and concerns with the kids. He never shared much of his thoughts with her.

 

Yeah, I thought I'd omit that, as every time I mention he is separated, I get the same responses about how he's cheating scum - and while that may or may not be true in theory, I felt it was different with him, he was SEPARATED and it wasn't just a game for him to get one thing from me, no way, there was real love there and the situation was just complicated but I KNOW it was different to what most people would jump to assume it was.

 

Wow, you never met in person? I guess at least by that you know it was true and it was real - why would a guy waste his time being so emotionally invested in a woman he's never met if he didn't truly love her? That is really sad you guys never got to meet though

 

No matter how much love is there though, these relationships are ultimately toxic and addicting and the worst kinds to get over, they hurt the most. Everything will always run on his time, around his schedule, when it's convenient for him - and it's like they don't make us a priority either, which neither of us deserves. I want a man who's there for me when I need him too. Not someone who is there for me around his schedule with his 'real life'.

Did you ever find that emotionally draining though? I really hated us not being able to be spontaneous and go and do all the little normal things in a relationship as easily. While it felt real, it wasn't, it never would be until he sorted his situation out, and I don't want to wait around for that. And it's hard to find people to talk to about it, cause there's so much judgement there and they don't believe that your situation is different to any others.

 

I guess sometimes it's true, sometimes people were meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together.

[stevie_23]

Well…yeah, it’s true what you say. Why would he have stayed around for almost 2 years on just that long distance, emotional online / text level, if he wasn’t in love? I know he was. Definitely was. The way he treated me 99% of the time was perfect. He tried very hard to be with me as much as he could, and not for me, but for him because he wanted to. I went through some hard times, and leant on him a LOT and he was always there to support me. I put him through a lot of stress with my situations and problems. A lot. But he never wavered. Never left. Until it got too hard at his end. So…I do know he loved me. A lot of people here have said he is a cheating loser, a fraud, that he never loved me. But every situation is different. And it hurts me MORE to question if he ever loved me. I find it brings much more peace and is easier to move on if I accept he DID love me deeply, but things just couldn’t work out between us.

 

God yes. Addicting, certainly. We both talked a LOT about everything during our time together, including the fact we were both highly addicted to each other. We are both deep thinkers and talkers. He never talked to anyone or showed anyone in his real life who he really was or what he was feeling or thinking, but with me, he opened up. I was the only one he did that to. When we weren’t together at any given time, he said he felt alone. That was hard too, because he was invested in this life with me, but…it wasn’t HIS life. So he felt alone a lot, and was only happy when we were spending time together. But we still weren’t properly together, you know? For me, I get a lot of time to myself and my partner has never been suspicious (which is a blessing, but I also feel guilt about this too), so I enjoyed our time together and although when we were apart I would miss him horribly, at least my life was fairly easy. For him, when we were together he was risking a lot in terms of his own life’s stability. But he was happy. When we weren’t together, he was miserable and in a life he didn’t want to be in. In the end of it got too hard for him. I didn’t feel I was having to live 2 lives, but he did.

 

And YES YES, HIS schedule. Not because he was demanding or anything, quite the contrary. He was incredibly understanding if I ever had time or space restrictions in my life that affected our time together. But everything ran on HIS WIFE’S schedule in the end, because we could only be together when she was out. He hated that too. Sometimes her work roster would change and she’d be unexpectedly home when she was supposed to be working and so he’d have to quickly sneak a text in to me to let me know we couldn’t chat. Ugh.

 

He did make me a priority though, BUT only within those restrictions relating to his wife. He did what he could. When I would get disappointed and overly demanding and annoyed at things about that, he’d sometimes get a bit sad and say he was doing his best. Sometimes that would annoy me. Doing his best? HAH! But no, seriously, he DID try. Very hard. It was too hard for him to keep trying when it was a bit futile in the end I think. Our time had been cut so short because of his wife. He got this new job and that took more of his time too. He had to make the choice to live ONE life, and unfortunately since he couldn’t be with me in person, he chose that life. So yeah, I do understand that. I STILL don’t understand, and never will, the WAY he ended it, but…oh well.

 

And yes, I did find it emotionally draining. It’d stress me out and I found it hard not to dwell on the negative, on what I didn’t have, as opposed to just focusing on what I DID have.

 

I can’t tell ANYONE in my real life about my situation. When he left me, I couldn’t eat, had trouble sleeping, would cry all the time. But I couldn’t show my partner any of this. Had to act a bit normal (though I did say I felt “flat” and not hungry.) I lost 20lbs and it worried my partner, which I felt bad about. I’m on anti-depressants / anti-anxiety meds now, and they help me quite a bit. But yeah, I can’t tell any of my real life friends because they all know my partner, so…it’s not safe. And yes, people JUDGE. They really do. And it doesn’t help.

[fancy feast]

Sounds like a weak coward. You haven't lost much.

[stevie_23]

Sounds like a weak coward. You haven't lost much.

 

But she HAS. Right now, in her mind she has. She’s lost that relationship, the love of that person who DID love her.

 

In general, and in the future, she knows she must move on and will be better off in the long run without him, someone who chose not to be with her and to show her this specifically selfish and heartless way, but she still HAS lost something.

 

And he has acted cowardly, yes. That’s not to say he is a coward or a loser in general. We don’t know him, or their relationship. I don’t think it helps to call people things. It may in the short term, to make the OP feel better or supported, which is excellent, but ultimately, the OP loved this person. And it’ll take a while to get over that.

[kandygurl22]

Well…yeah, it’s true what you say. Why would he have stayed around for almost 2 years on just that long distance, emotional online / text level, if he wasn’t in love? I know he was. Definitely was. The way he treated me 99% of the time was perfect. He tried very hard to be with me as much as he could, and not for me, but for him because he wanted to. I went through some hard times, and leant on him a LOT and he was always there to support me. I put him through a lot of stress with my situations and problems. A lot. But he never wavered. Never left. Until it got too hard at his end. So…I do know he loved me. A lot of people here have said he is a cheating loser, a fraud, that he never loved me. But every situation is different. And it hurts me MORE to question if he ever loved me. I find it brings much more peace and is easier to move on if I accept he DID love me deeply, but things just couldn’t work out between us.

 

God yes. Addicting, certainly. We both talked a LOT about everything during our time together, including the fact we were both highly addicted to each other. We are both deep thinkers and talkers. He never talked to anyone or showed anyone in his real life who he really was or what he was feeling or thinking, but with me, he opened up. I was the only one he did that to. When we weren’t together at any given time, he said he felt alone. That was hard too, because he was invested in this life with me, but…it wasn’t HIS life. So he felt alone a lot, and was only happy when we were spending time together. But we still weren’t properly together, you know? For me, I get a lot of time to myself and my partner has never been suspicious (which is a blessing, but I also feel guilt about this too), so I enjoyed our time together and although when we were apart I would miss him horribly, at least my life was fairly easy. For him, when we were together he was risking a lot in terms of his own life’s stability. But he was happy. When we weren’t together, he was miserable and in a life he didn’t want to be in. In the end of it got too hard for him. I didn’t feel I was having to live 2 lives, but he did.

 

And YES YES, HIS schedule. Not because he was demanding or anything, quite the contrary. He was incredibly understanding if I ever had time or space restrictions in my life that affected our time together. But everything ran on HIS WIFE’S schedule in the end, because we could only be together when she was out. He hated that too. Sometimes her work roster would change and she’d be unexpectedly home when she was supposed to be working and so he’d have to quickly sneak a text in to me to let me know we couldn’t chat. Ugh.

 

He did make me a priority though, BUT only within those restrictions relating to his wife. He did what he could. When I would get disappointed and overly demanding and annoyed at things about that, he’d sometimes get a bit sad and say he was doing his best. Sometimes that would annoy me. Doing his best? HAH! But no, seriously, he DID try. Very hard. It was too hard for him to keep trying when it was a bit futile in the end I think. Our time had been cut so short because of his wife. He got this new job and that took more of his time too. He had to make the choice to live ONE life, and unfortunately since he couldn’t be with me in person, he chose that life. So yeah, I do understand that. I STILL don’t understand, and never will, the WAY he ended it, but…oh well.

 

And yes, I did find it emotionally draining. It’d stress me out and I found it hard not to dwell on the negative, on what I didn’t have, as opposed to just focusing on what I DID have.

 

I can’t tell ANYONE in my real life about my situation. When he left me, I couldn’t eat, had trouble sleeping, would cry all the time. But I couldn’t show my partner any of this. Had to act a bit normal (though I did say I felt “flat” and not hungry.) I lost 20lbs and it worried my partner, which I felt bad about. I’m on anti-depressants / anti-anxiety meds now, and they help me quite a bit. But yeah, I can’t tell any of my real life friends because they all know my partner, so…it’s not safe. And yes, people JUDGE. They really do. And it doesn’t help.

 

You guys sound like you really shared such a deep emotional connection. I don't think that kind of connection is easy to find, it's rare to feel that way about someone, I don't understand how it's so easy for them to turn their back on that, knowing that you made him so happy yet ultimately it couldn't last. It doesn't seem fair to me and it makes me question the purpose of these people coming into our lives in the first place.

 

I know what you mean about them living two lives and eventually it takes a toll on them not being able to sustain it indefinitely. In the end, one of those relationships will suffer and no matter how strong the love it, it usually is the one with the OW.

 

My ex used to try too, he sounded like yours, did everything in his power to make me happy all the time, but by the end of it, he was emotionally drained trying to make everyone in his life happy, and always failing, but I guess what's different with our situations is that my guy started to drop me lower on his list of priorities where as I only ever wanted things to be more serious... I guess he realized he couldn't give me what I needed either, and he always was miserable about it, or so he said.

 

It's one thing he chose that life but yeah, you guys shared such a deep bond, after reading your story of how you guys used to be, I can't believe he would just end it the way he did.

 

As for me, I just don't even know what to think now, we didn't have a fight, or a D-day or anything like that, so it was just so out of the blue that I can't comprehend it. I don't know if that's better or worse.

 

But yes I HATED that schedule thing, it was probably the worse thing about it, and all it did was make him look constantly selfish, because as apologetic as he was and he was also understanding of my own plans and life too, it just always was a reminder that things could never be truly normal for us.

 

It is hard to not be able to talk to people openly about it, I hate all the judgement cause yes while the majority of affairs/separated partner relationships are a cliche, many of them are not but all the little factors in these situations make it damn near impossible to ever enjoy a real relationship. It breaks my heart that my ex was always upset about how it worked out, saying that if we had met under different circumstances, it would have been so different and he could have given me a whole life that I deserved and I just don't know why it had to end so suddenly.

 

Do you ever think about what you'd say to him if he contacted you again? Or wonder when he will? I am obsessing with wondering when I will hear from him again.. as we had no reason to end things... I wonder if he will text me one day... but then, now I have no idea what I'd say either, that connection is broken and it seems like such a waste.

 

Sorry about the rambling... I've just been holding this all in for so long and pretending to be alright, I just reached breaking point when I saw his car today... ughh.. I have terrible anxiety now too, I have for a while now, no matter how much love was there I still think these relationships are toxic and probably just do more damage than they do good.

[kandygurl22]

But she HAS. Right now, in her mind she has. She’s lost that relationship, the love of that person who DID love her.

 

In general, and in the future, she knows she must move on and will be better off in the long run without him, someone who chose not to be with her and to show her this specifically selfish and heartless way, but she still HAS lost something.

 

And he has acted cowardly, yes. That’s not to say he is a coward or a loser in general. We don’t know him, or their relationship. I don’t think it helps to call people things. It may in the short term, to make the OP feel better or supported, which is excellent, but ultimately, the OP loved this person. And it’ll take a while to get over that.

 

Thank you... yes that is exactly right. Everyone says to me "he wasn't worth it anyway, there's no good qualities about him, you can do so much better"

But truth is, I loved this man so much, I didn't really WANT to do better, because to me, if it had worked out, I could have loved him forever. I know in reality he wouldn't have changed and it's wishful thinking in hindsight, and maybe it is better for me in the end to be away from him, but I lost sooo much love, and I'm not the type to ever fall in love, and no matter how much of a selfish dipsh*t he is, there was one point where he was my everything, and now it's all screwed up and he's gone and I might never know why. It just hurts soooo badly.

[FailedFirstLove]

I would try contact him first. If he hangs up on you and what not then you know it's over. It's very strange... I've never heard of this before. Usually they would just be limited contact or something. But this. Completely gone. Weird.

And I get he may be upset. But at least text. This is suppose to be someone you love!!!!!!

 

but I congrats u on patience. If he didnt text me within a day or two I would have spammed the crap out of him but that's just me. That's probably why I got dumped too -_- damn

[ana0pera]

I threw in the towel yesterday, when he was on skype and didn't respond to my messages. He just signed off a few minutes after and then I noticed that he deleted the texting application we used (we were a LDR w/ nine hour time difference). He obviously doesn't want to talk about this so I've given up for now at least. I am going to go about living my life and see where I am a month from now. I know that I haven't acted maturely about this and I've been too angry to make sure he's ok with his family, etc, but I am not going to say sorry because he's been childish too...if he doesn't want to talk that's all he has to say (and he's done it in the past, which i've respected). Yes, that is an immature reaction but at this point I've talked enough to someone who doesn't respect me enough to even acknowledge he got the message.

 

I know that a few months ago he got into a bad argument with one of his best friends and he basically gave the guy the silent treatment. so this type of behavior is not beneath him. I would've expected better from him though towards me because he knows that I am somewhat of a crybaby but who am i kidding?

 

he's 29 and i am 24. i think there are ways both of us could mature, but he promised to me that he'd be open and fair and never intentionally hurt me... well that was a lie!! not the first lie he told either and probably not the last.

 

 

I know what you mean about questioning your self-worth because you fall for slimy guys, well, we all make mistakes--some more than others--and the only thing you can do is learn from it and try to prevent it from happening again. the key is trying, it's easy to fall prey to someone sinister when they come out like a wolf in sheep's skin. but now that you recognize the trap, if you find yourself in a situation that i similar, it's up to you to get out as quickly as possible.

 

I myself am taking a break from dating to focus on me. I moved to a new city ~2 years ago and once I arrived guys started flocking towards me, which was something totally new for me! My ex was LD and it took so much out of me. Things have been stressful at work and I need to gain control over my life before I fall in love again.

[kandygurl22]

I threw in the towel yesterday, when he was on skype and didn't respond to my messages. He just signed off a few minutes after and then I noticed that he deleted the texting application we used (we were a LDR w/ nine hour time difference). He obviously doesn't want to talk about this so I've given up for now at least. I am going to go about living my life and see where I am a month from now. I know that I haven't acted maturely about this and I've been too angry to make sure he's ok with his family, etc, but I am not going to say sorry because he's been childish too...if he doesn't want to talk that's all he has to say (and he's done it in the past, which i've respected). Yes, that is an immature reaction but at this point I've talked enough to someone who doesn't respect me enough to even acknowledge he got the message.

 

I know that a few months ago he got into a bad argument with one of his best friends and he basically gave the guy the silent treatment. so this type of behavior is not beneath him. I would've expected better from him though towards me because he knows that I am somewhat of a crybaby but who am i kidding?

 

he's 29 and i am 24. i think there are ways both of us could mature, but he promised to me that he'd be open and fair and never intentionally hurt me... well that was a lie!! not the first lie he told either and probably not the last.

 

 

I know what you mean about questioning your self-worth because you fall for slimy guys, well, we all make mistakes--some more than others--and the only thing you can do is learn from it and try to prevent it from happening again. the key is trying, it's easy to fall prey to someone sinister when they come out like a wolf in sheep's skin. but now that you recognize the trap, if you find yourself in a situation that i similar, it's up to you to get out as quickly as possible.

 

I myself am taking a break from dating to focus on me. I moved to a new city ~2 years ago and once I arrived guys started flocking towards me, which was something totally new for me! My ex was LD and it took so much out of me. Things have been stressful at work and I need to gain control over my life before I fall in love again.

 

hey ana...

 

aww really? how long has this been going on for with your boy? how long were you together for? can i ask what kind of family problems he used as a reason to push you away?

 

he sounds like a guy who's scared and runs away from confrontation - to you or any of his friends. and tbh, i was in something similar with my ex, i saw how he would treat his friends, his brother and sister with the whole lack of communication thing, like never returning their messages or calls to the point where they'd leave voicemails for him saying he was a rude ass****...and then him telling me he was just 'too busy' to deal with anyone. it all should have been a red flag to me from the beginning cause as much as i thought he wouldn't treat me like that either, that's just how that moron deals with things and i was no exception.

 

At least you know that although you came out of this relationship hurt, you really did be the bigger person and put in the effort with your ex, and it says absolutely nothing bad about you, and everything bad about him. He is self centered and inconsiderate just like my ex. And there's only so much trying that we can do for guys like this, we can't help them if they don't want to help themselves. you really did put the effort in, i didn't, I have too much pride for that and he doesn't deserve any more of my attention, neither does your ex anymore, especially when they both know how it hurts us (i am a bit of a crybaby too lol)

I bet that one day both these jerks will come crawling back but this behavior is a real eye opener for what i absolutely do not want in the future. it does come down to respect, these guys obviously don't have respect for anyone and i think without respect, any relationship is doomed to fail.

 

i am taking a break from dating too, this one has left me emotionally drained and i feel so empty and exhausted. i couldn't possibly imagine letting myself fall in love with another person for a long long time. but yes, i'm sure we will really both learn from these mistakes... and it's not even like we ask for much, just a guy who will be supportive and not ignore his girlfriend for no reason!!! we shouldn't settle for anything less.

[tuxedo cat]

Stevie: There's a saying to the effect "good things don't grow in the dark."

 

Relationships where you're never really together for one reason or another -- distance, committed to other partners -- can be very intense because they're largely fantasy based.

 

It may feel like the fusing of two souls since it is a purely spiritual connection, but the flip side is you can easily lose your identity in the other person as the relationship is mostly playing out in your own head. Because in reality you've been spending so much time with yourself rather than another person, it feels like you're losing or neglecting part of yourself when the relationship ends. Also when a fantasy relationship breaks up there is no clear change in routine, since you weren't seeing much or in some cases any of them before, at least in the flesh. But you're still left with all your shared thoughts, which were the substance of the relationship in place of shared physical experiences.

Edited January 21, 2013 by tuxedo cat

[candie13]

I do want to say something... I just have no idea how I would say it or what I would say to him - I don't want to come off as weak and the only person who cares about this relationship if he can't man the fk up and do the right thing by me! :@

 

Girl, the hell with how you look like and what he'll think and all that stuff!

 

What do you want? Do you love him - do you want him back? Do you want a relationship? Or you just want closure?

 

Get your thoughts in a row, understand what you want and what it is that will bring you peace and go for it. You might be surprised by your answers.

 

But you cannot go blindly around "should I or should I not contact him"? To do what? What do you want?

[kandygurl22]

Girl, the hell with how you look like and what he'll think and all that stuff!

 

What do you want? Do you love him - do you want him back? Do you want a relationship? Or you just want closure?

 

Get your thoughts in a row, understand what you want and what it is that will bring you peace and go for it. You might be surprised by your answers.

 

But you cannot go blindly around "should I or should I not contact him"? To do what? What do you want?

 

Yeah that is true - I guess I gotta think about what I truly want. I do love him, but I'm not sure that I want him back now after seeing how insensitive he can really be - I just want a little respect and I know if I contact him I will not get what I need, all I'll get is a bunch of BS and excuses that will hinder me from moving on. I've always put in the effort to tell him how I feel and he's had plenty of opportunities to change, I guess this time I just want HIM to take the initiative for once, I feel like effort should go both ways and I shouldn't always have to be the one to make it. Plus, I believe he treats me this way because I let him and he knows that he can always come back with some excuse that I will take and he can keep doing what he wants. This time I am putting my foot down no matter how much it leaves me broken.

[candie13]

Good for you, I think you should put your foot down!

 

But go a bit deeper with your introspection:

- are you ok to never hear from him again, are you ok to not have him in your life?

- is there anything he can do or say to change how you feel about him or about this situation?

 

Try not to be absurd, maybe he does need an opportunity to speak up and give you his side of the story. if you think he's giving you poor excuses, of course, you can make up your mind, but his circumstances weren't the easiest in the world either... If you see a pattern and think he's trying to manipulate you, you shouldn't give him the time of day!

[kandygurl22]

Good for you, I think you should put your foot down!

 

But go a bit deeper with your introspection:

- are you ok to never hear from him again, are you ok to not have him in your life?

- is there anything he can do or say to change how you feel about him or about this situation?

 

Try not to be absurd, maybe he does need an opportunity to speak up and give you his side of the story. if you think he's giving you poor excuses, of course, you can make up your mind, but his circumstances weren't the easiest in the world either... If you see a pattern and think he's trying to manipulate you, you shouldn't give him the time of day!

 

Yeah, I am sick of feeling like I'm getting walked all over, like it's up to him when he FEELS like showing me love or contacting me - why should I be on standby for him?

 

True though, if I go a bit deeper, that's where the confusion lies.

 

I am not OK to never hear from him again or have him not in my life, but I think this man creates more pain for me lately than happiness and I think at some point it is just not worth it. I don't want to lose him, or the love we shared but what is the point of holding onto something toxic?

 

He could change how I feel but it will take a lot of action this time as he is always full of words which now mean nothing to me. But I don't think he has it in him to really put in the effort anymore, he either doesn't know how or doesn't care.

 

I know he has been through a lot, and I sympathize with that and offered my support even though I was angry at him... I did leave our last conversation open to "When everything calms down we can talk about it" etc and told him that I hope everyone is alright. So I am open to letting him tell me his side of the story, but I feel like 3 weeks since then with hearing absolutely nothing back is a bit too long, don't you think?

BUT on the other hand, this guy ALWAYS has some kind of drama happening, and always has an excuse for it too so at some point I have to wonder if he just likes to embellish his stories to cover up for something he has done wrong and won't account for.

[ana0pera]

The last three weeks have been teeth pulling but our problems started about 8 months ago. We were together for almost two years. One of his siblings has been really sick and it's put a strain on his relationship with his parents. I understand where he's coming from with the family issues because something very similar happened in my family a few years ago, so I've been trying to be understanding, but he has just shut me out. That's only one of the issues though and not the real reason why we broke up/he disappeared. I questioned his commitment for a number of reasons and the last time I did it I thought we needed to re-evaluate our relationship. He agreed that we needed to talk about it but was never there to talk about it when the time came. I don't know if his family was truly an excuse or if he was a coward or both. I think I've pushed him away for good now though with all my badgering. I sort of feel empty about the whole situation. A bit guilty but then I can't bring myself to apologize because I honestly don't feel like I did anything wrong.

 

I am 24 and he's 29. I was willing to make so many sacrifices to be with him, to close the distance. I was planning on moving to his country (or a nearby country) after I finish grad school so we can give the relationship a real try. But as you said, this behavior is eye opening and even if we were to ever talk again (which I doubt, he probably hates me) I don't know if I can have any sort of relationship (platonic or otherwise) with someone who can so easily delete people out of his life if he doesn't get his way. It's funny because he complains that his mother is exactly like this, and they argue a lot because she has to have her way...well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

 

hey ana...

 

aww really? how long has this been going on for with your boy? how long were you together for? can i ask what kind of family problems he used as a reason to push you away?

 

he sounds like a guy who's scared and runs away from confrontation - to you or any of his friends. and tbh, i was in something similar with my ex, i saw how he would treat his friends, his brother and sister with the whole lack of communication thing, like never returning their messages or calls to the point where they'd leave voicemails for him saying he was a rude ass****...and then him telling me he was just 'too busy' to deal with anyone. it all should have been a red flag to me from the beginning cause as much as i thought he wouldn't treat me like that either, that's just how that moron deals with things and i was no exception.

 

At least you know that although you came out of this relationship hurt, you really did be the bigger person and put in the effort with your ex, and it says absolutely nothing bad about you, and everything bad about him. He is self centered and inconsiderate just like my ex. And there's only so much trying that we can do for guys like this, we can't help them if they don't want to help themselves. you really did put the effort in, i didn't, I have too much pride for that and he doesn't deserve any more of my attention, neither does your ex anymore, especially when they both know how it hurts us (i am a bit of a crybaby too lol)

I bet that one day both these jerks will come crawling back but this behavior is a real eye opener for what i absolutely do not want in the future. it does come down to respect, these guys obviously don't have respect for anyone and i think without respect, any relationship is doomed to fail.

 

i am taking a break from dating too, this one has left me emotionally drained and i feel so empty and exhausted. i couldn't possibly imagine letting myself fall in love with another person for a long long time. but yes, i'm sure we will really both learn from these mistakes... and it's not even like we ask for much, just a guy who will be supportive and not ignore his girlfriend for no reason!!! we shouldn't settle for anything less.