He just disappeared...

[stevie_23]

You guys sound like you really shared such a deep emotional connection. I don't think that kind of connection is easy to find, it's rare to feel that way about someone, I don't understand how it's so easy for them to turn their back on that, knowing that you made him so happy yet ultimately it couldn't last. It doesn't seem fair to me and it makes me question the purpose of these people coming into our lives in the first place.

 

I know what you mean about them living two lives and eventually it takes a toll on them not being able to sustain it indefinitely. In the end, one of those relationships will suffer and no matter how strong the love it, it usually is the one with the OW.

 

My ex used to try too, he sounded like yours, did everything in his power to make me happy all the time, but by the end of it, he was emotionally drained trying to make everyone in his life happy, and always failing, but I guess what's different with our situations is that my guy started to drop me lower on his list of priorities where as I only ever wanted things to be more serious... I guess he realized he couldn't give me what I needed either, and he always was miserable about it, or so he said.

 

It's one thing he chose that life but yeah, you guys shared such a deep bond, after reading your story of how you guys used to be, I can't believe he would just end it the way he did.

 

As for me, I just don't even know what to think now, we didn't have a fight, or a D-day or anything like that, so it was just so out of the blue that I can't comprehend it. I don't know if that's better or worse.

 

But yes I HATED that schedule thing, it was probably the worse thing about it, and all it did was make him look constantly selfish, because as apologetic as he was and he was also understanding of my own plans and life too, it just always was a reminder that things could never be truly normal for us.

 

It is hard to not be able to talk to people openly about it, I hate all the judgement cause yes while the majority of affairs/separated partner relationships are a cliche, many of them are not but all the little factors in these situations make it damn near impossible to ever enjoy a real relationship. It breaks my heart that my ex was always upset about how it worked out, saying that if we had met under different circumstances, it would have been so different and he could have given me a whole life that I deserved and I just don't know why it had to end so suddenly.

 

Do you ever think about what you'd say to him if he contacted you again? Or wonder when he will? I am obsessing with wondering when I will hear from him again.. as we had no reason to end things... I wonder if he will text me one day... but then, now I have no idea what I'd say either, that connection is broken and it seems like such a waste.

 

Sorry about the rambling... I've just been holding this all in for so long and pretending to be alright, I just reached breaking point when I saw his car today... ughh.. I have terrible anxiety now too, I have for a while now, no matter how much love was there I still think these relationships are toxic and probably just do more damage than they do good.

 

Yeah...we did indeed share SUCH a deep connection. It was amazing. *staring into space* For both of us. He was the first man I ever loved like that. I still love him. I think I always will.

 

On the surface, going from almost constant contact and such a deep connection to NOTHING is a total shock, and it was, but if you look a little deeper, there were signs.

 

I mean, apart from the existing constant issue of his wife and our distance and my partner and all that, his situation was never stable. We started off getting together and his wife wasn't even an issue because she didn't know I existed. He was able to be with me whenever we were both able, which was perfect. Once she began finding out, he had to be more careful. We grew closer in other ways (began texting, doing videos for each other) and put up with the hard times (no contact on weekends due to both he and his wife being home).

 

We fought a lot for about 5 months before he left me for the first time in June (I think I left this part out previously). Aside from the 2 brief times he'd vanish and then return after a fight, in June he suddenly disappeared. I was distraught. We hadn't fought this time and he'd just...gone. I thought he'd died because his last text to me had said he felt sick and disoriented and had to lie down. Now, at age 60 then, he was no spring chicken, and I was very worried he'd had a stroke or something.

 

Eventually I found out he was in the hospital. He was there for a week (with chronic Lyme Disease which he'd had for 40 years and had gotten into his heart and brain now), and when he got out, there was no chat (he was never alone), no text (he couldn't find his phone) and 2 emails telling me he had to pay $20,000 for the medical bills and everyone was talking about marriage (to his partner who he wasn't married to at the time and didn't want to be) so he could use her employee health insurance. The last email he sent me said they'd been married that morning and we couldn't be together, not because of the marriage (he didn't care about that), but because he couldn't saddle me with his health problems. He was really sick at that point, didn't know if he'd ever fully recover, felt really old for the first time in his life, and had had his dreams of us one day properly being together in person destroyed because now he'd had to marry his partner and was stuck with that situation. So he said he couldn't be the husband he so wanted to be for me (we always called each other husband and wife). He said he was crying and that he would love me forever and missed me so much.

 

I wrote back...but I had a feeling he wouldn't respond. And he didn't. He couldn't bear to check that email account again.

 

I didn't give up though. I didn't consider his reasons were impossible for us, so I kept trying. Every week I'd send him a message through the songwriting forum he would go on. Finally, after a MONTH he responded, and we slowly got back together. He later said he had been misguided in deciding we couldn't be together and also that he was unfair to be the one to make that decision for both of us.

 

Anyway...so that was a really hard time in my life, that month (well, 6 weeks really, from when he went into the hospital) without him. Nowhere near as hard as the past 6 weeks have been though, cause I never felt it was really over the last time, whereas this time, it is.

 

So after we came back together, he got properly married (the marriage the month before was the civil ceremony done as fast as possible. This wedding was now at his wife's church and all that formal stuff), which he said was the hardest day of his life and that he needed me more than ever to stand beside him. The next day they left on their honeymoon (he refused to call it that) to an island off Mexico for 7 days. He was looking forward to the snorkelling and stuff, and said he'd miss me and think of me all the time. Within an hour of returning home, he emailed me. I did wonder before that, if he might decide to leave me again during his honeymoon, but no, he came right back to me.

 

2 weeks later was the 3rd D-day. His wife got into his email account and found his phone. Deleted his email account and threw away his phone. He took this one hard. Told me about it right away, but then went completely silent for 2 weeks. I didn't understand and still don't, why he couldn't write to me when she was at work and it was safe. I invented all these scenarios in my head during those 2 weeks to explain why he didn't talk to me, like she'd put a keylogger on his computer or something so he couldn't type anything to me. But no. He just...stopped. He had to go back to his real life for that time to deal with it. He also got sick (Lyme again. It comes up in times of stress especially) and also got a really bad toothache and even after we were talking again 2 weeks later, it took another month to get us back on track cause his computer died as well so he only had the laptop in the kitchen, where there is NO privacy for him.

 

So after THAT upheaval, we had 2 full months of smooth sailing. Except that we always had issues with the ever-decreasing contact level due to his wife's routine. We'd gone from a 2 hour chat every morning and evening, plus constant texting when we were both awake, doing 2-3 videos each per day, and sending 1-2 emails a day, to one 30 minute chat once a day, 1-2 videos every few days, and maybe an email every few days. After losing him in June, I was just so happy to have him back in my life at all that I at first appreciated what we had and didn't get negative about what we USED to have as compared to now, but eventually it got to me.

 

Then he got offered a new job. He'd not had a proper stable job for ages and needed the money a LOT. It was his first ever office job (he'd always been a landscaper, labourer type. Owned his own company years back and stuff) and he was not happy about it, but had to do it to survive financially. I was worried at first it'd decrease our time even further, but he said no, it'd be BETTER for us because instead of him having to sometimes leave at 6.45am in the morning (and thus making our chat at that time very short because we couldn't start chatting until his wife left at 6.20am) to work for this other guy he sometimes worked for (a few times a week), he now didn't have to leave until 8am.

 

Anyway, I was there for him when he had his 2 interviews with the company, when he got the acceptance letter, when he got the manual he had to read and learn to do the job, when he went clothes shopping for new office work shirts and pants (he took the camera into the dressing room, which was...fun. Heheh)...stuff like that. I was so involved in his life (as much as possible) and he in mine.

 

The weekend before his new job started, he had to go away to Boston with his wife and one of her daughters, who was moving out of home finally. He didn't want to go, but such was the obligations of a "family man" (which he SO is not but this is what his wife wants from him).

 

He took his phone (which was a risk) but only managed to text 4 times over the 2 days because he was in a small hotel room with his wife and had no space.

 

When he got back, the next day was his first day of work. We chatted before he went. He was so nervous. I helped him. I understood him. I always did. He said I truly was his wife. I felt weird though, that after his first day, he couldn't talk to me. His wife was home and he didn't get home until 6pm and then had to do dinner and clean up for the kids (they never do anything around the house) so the only text I got was at 8pm his time, saying he was sorry but things were difficult now in the evenings for him. I wanted to hear all about his day. I wanted to be there for him. But I couldn't because of his situation. I wondered if eventually this would end with him resenting me for never being there (even though he knew it wasn't my fault.)

 

Anyway, the next morning before work we chatted again and got to talk. Felt good. He was feeling overwhelmed and not the happiest about the job, but felt it'd settle down and he'd be ok. We also got to have some text contact when he got home later too, unlike the night before, which was good.

 

The next day, we had no contact cause his wife was home. It SUCKED. The next day we were supposed to be able to chat, but she changed her schedule at the last minute so we couldn't. That also sucked. But we were both very excited that we'd be able to have the next 4 days in a row to chat as his wife was working. YAY! He was especially looking forward to Saturday because he wouldn't have to rush off to work afterwards. He said he hadn't looked forward to a Saturday this much in ages, and that he would be "all over me" (uh...intimately, heheh) and we both felt we really needed to reconnect and bond. We hadn't had a proper long relaxed chat for almost 2 weeks by then because of his time restrictions.

 

So. Meanwhile over the past 2 months, since his wife had found out for the 3rd time and he'd gone silent for so long, I had developed almost a phobia of her discovering us again and me losing him forever (which ironically, ended up happening). I asked him if she did find out again, would we be over. He said no. He'd be out of that house, but we would continue. I didn't really believe that though. I honestly felt that even if she came home to find him having sex with me in their marital bed, she STILL wouldn't kick him out! lol

 

So every time in those 2 months gone by that I didn't hear from him when I sort of expected to, I would FREAK OUT and assume I'd lost him because of his wife. It always turned out to be nothing (like he'd been working later than expected or his wife was home so he couldn't text me, etc), but I was just always distressed, always in tears and shaking with nerves. As soon as I'd hear from him, I'd collapse with relief, and more tears. Many a sleepless night was had when I didn't hear from him until the morning, and I'd be exhausted, physically and emotionally (this happened at least twice a week).

 

So...the day of our last chat was Friday, December 6. It was a "bonus" chat because it wasn't one of the main ones we were going to have over the next 4 consecutive days. He'd been out playing music with a friend, as he did most weeks, and I had again been working myself up into a freaked out state because I hadn't heard from him all day. I kept expecting him to take his phone with him to work so he could text me on his lunch break, and on this particular day, I hoped he'd text me after work because we knew we wouldn't have any contact otherwise due to him going to his friend's house instead of coming straight home. But no. He didn't bring his phone. Again. I didn't understand why. I felt he was drifting away from me somewhat. Like his life was getting too full and I was being pushed out of it, and he just didn't think to "reach out" like he used to before, trying to always be with me in any small way that he could. Now because we'd been forced to get used to less contact, I felt his need level had dropped down to match the situation (cause it's too hard to need and expect something you can no longer have), and it would continue to drop until he didn't need, or want, me at all.

 

So anyway, I had gotten to the point where I assumed he wasn't going to text me when he got home from his friend's (cause it was 10pm his time now, and usually he'd be home by 9pm), and was in tears when he appeared in the chat window of gmail. I was surprised and relieved, but also angry and resentful. So we had a fight. He left abruptly after 2 minutes of me bashing him down verbally (saying he was drifting, why didn't he bring his phone, he was bored with me, he had no time for me, everything else was a priority over me now, etc etc), saying he couldn't deal with this. I was furious he'd just left like that. I hoped he would be there for our next "proper" chat in the morning, especially seeing as we'd been looking forward to that re-bonding time for ages.

 

But no, he wasn't there. And he wasn't there the day after either. No texts, no emails, nothing. As you know, I tried to contact him, but nothing. 8 days went by with nothing. I wondered if he was in the hospital again maybe. Nope. He was fine. His wife had found his bank records with the payment of $50 a month to his "secret" phone company and he couldn't deny it. He threw away the phone. And seemingly made the decision to throw me away also. Without TELLING me, as you know.

 

He did that song called "Remember", the first words of which were "It's done". I heard this song while sitting at an internet booth thing in a shopping mall. I couldn't even walk after that cause my legs were all wobbly. I couldn't cry cause I was in public. It was a NIGHTMARE. The rest of that day was in a daze. I couldn't believe it was over, and that he'd told me in a SONG.

 

I kept trying to contact him...I was appalled that he'd do this to me, (and also he told me SOOOO many times during our time together that he'd NEVER leave me, that I would never have to be without him), and I didn't understand how it was possible for his feelings to have changed, just like that. He'd been looking forward to chatting with me that coming Saturday for ages and would be "all over me" and then...BAM! NOTHING? No love? I don't THINK so. I kept getting angry in my head, thinking if it was the other way around and I just suddenly left and disappeared, he'd be freaked out! He'd be worried I'd died or something, and if he saw me online and if I'd done a similar song, etc, he'd be incredibly upset. And understandably so! So why do it to ME?

 

Finally after 2-3 days of me trying to talk to him (cause at that stage I still thought he was just mad at me. I didn't know about the wife yet), he told me what had happened, said he couldn't live 2 lives anymore now because of his new job (which made no sense to me, because if anything, we get MORE time now because of the job).

 

So...yeah.

 

We WERE very close. But looking back, that had been strained for around 9 months before he actually left. It was getting increasingly hard on him (and me).

[stevie_23]

Do you ever think about what you'd say to him if he contacted you again? Or wonder when he will? I am obsessing with wondering when I will hear from him again.. as we had no reason to end things... I wonder if he will text me one day... but then, now I have no idea what I'd say either, that connection is broken and it seems like such a waste.

 

Sorry about the rambling... I've just been holding this all in for so long and pretending to be alright, I just reached breaking point when I saw his car today... ughh.. I have terrible anxiety now too, I have for a while now, no matter how much love was there I still think these relationships are toxic and probably just do more damage than they do good.

 

Yeah, terrible anxiety...even before it ended, right? It's just this rollercoaster of emotions. I look back on our time with rose coloured glasses on most of the time, but for the last 6 months at least, it wasn't all perfect. Lots of stress and strain. But lots of love as well.

 

I'm on anti-depressant / anti-anxiety meds actually now. I just...had to stop the constant THOUGHTS. I could not stop thinking of him, couldn't stop having conversations with him over and over and OVER in my head all the time. No matter how many times I posted online or whatever about the situation, the ONLY one I wanted to talk to about it was HIM. So...as I could never properly get it out, because I couldn't talk to him, my mind just wouldn't quieten down. It drove me crazy.

 

Now? It's so much easier. I think it's a combination of time moving on and the medication, but when I still occasionally find myself commencing a conversation with him in my head, I now go STOP IT! and move on easily to another subject.

 

I do find having conversations with them in your head helpful to an extent. Working out what you'd say if they did contact you. But after a certain point, it's just damaging and destructive.

 

If he DID contact me...I don't honestly know what I'd do now, or say. It's changed over the 6 past 6 weeks. At first, I knew I'd take him back. But I'd be cold after a while. I was planning to walk the thin line between being nice enough so he wouldn't leave again, but letting him know I was NOT happy with his behaviour and he would pay for it in a subtle way in terms of me now holding back my love from him somewhat.

 

Obviously that was me attempting to hang onto some power in the relationship. That was when I still thought he was mad at me, in those early days after he left.

 

Then I just wanted him back, 100%. Didn't care how much I'd have to sacrifice, I wrote to him and tried to reason with him, saying if his life was too hard then I didn't mind only chatting once a week even, just on the weekends, and blah, blah. Desperate measures. Embarrassing and pathetic. I know he would never see me as that, but he WOULD most likely just feel worse in knowing I was willing to completely compromise my own happiness to have even a shred of time with him. Not fair. He always said he didn't want me to have to change who I was to be with him.

 

Now...if he wanted me back...I don't know. I know things can never be the same as how they were before his wife found out. They'd go back to how they were more recently, with constant stress in amongst the love and happiness. But the main thing is...he's hurt me more than anyone else in my entire LIFE. How could I EVER trust him again not to leave me?

[CptSaveAho]

The Weeknd - Wicked Games (House Of Balloons) - YouTube

 

Should listen to the first verse of this song...

 

ACTIONS.... words

 

he left, not interested anymore... NC and move on

Edited January 22, 2013 by CptSaveAho

[ana0pera]

So my houdini of of an ex just reappeared! with the same act, brilliantly skirting around the issue to avoid confrontation (just saying that he's been busy since we last saw each other and that's why he hasn't been able to give our problems attention) and saying we should discuss it this weekend. Like I said earlier I just feel blank but I am going to take the bait and talk to him but I am not pushing the issue anymore, he needs to step up. We'll see what happens, if anything does. I've turned into a pessimist overnight. But at least I am not sad and angry anymore.

[kandygurl22]

Yeah, terrible anxiety...even before it ended, right? It's just this rollercoaster of emotions. I look back on our time with rose coloured glasses on most of the time, but for the last 6 months at least, it wasn't all perfect. Lots of stress and strain. But lots of love as well.

 

I'm on anti-depressant / anti-anxiety meds actually now. I just...had to stop the constant THOUGHTS. I could not stop thinking of him, couldn't stop having conversations with him over and over and OVER in my head all the time. No matter how many times I posted online or whatever about the situation, the ONLY one I wanted to talk to about it was HIM. So...as I could never properly get it out, because I couldn't talk to him, my mind just wouldn't quieten down. It drove me crazy.

 

Now? It's so much easier. I think it's a combination of time moving on and the medication, but when I still occasionally find myself commencing a conversation with him in my head, I now go STOP IT! and move on easily to another subject.

 

I do find having conversations with them in your head helpful to an extent. Working out what you'd say if they did contact you. But after a certain point, it's just damaging and destructive.

 

If he DID contact me...I don't honestly know what I'd do now, or say. It's changed over the 6 past 6 weeks. At first, I knew I'd take him back. But I'd be cold after a while. I was planning to walk the thin line between being nice enough so he wouldn't leave again, but letting him know I was NOT happy with his behaviour and he would pay for it in a subtle way in terms of me now holding back my love from him somewhat.

 

Obviously that was me attempting to hang onto some power in the relationship. That was when I still thought he was mad at me, in those early days after he left.

 

Then I just wanted him back, 100%. Didn't care how much I'd have to sacrifice, I wrote to him and tried to reason with him, saying if his life was too hard then I didn't mind only chatting once a week even, just on the weekends, and blah, blah. Desperate measures. Embarrassing and pathetic. I know he would never see me as that, but he WOULD most likely just feel worse in knowing I was willing to completely compromise my own happiness to have even a shred of time with him. Not fair. He always said he didn't want me to have to change who I was to be with him.

 

Now...if he wanted me back...I don't know. I know things can never be the same as how they were before his wife found out. They'd go back to how they were more recently, with constant stress in amongst the love and happiness. But the main thing is...he's hurt me more than anyone else in my entire LIFE. How could I EVER trust him again not to leave me?

 

hey stevie

 

aw i read your story, and im so sorry that something that special ended for you like that.

but at the same time, know it's nothing you did and although he ended it in such a heartless way, i guess at least you know WHY he had to, and the reasons behind it. In a way like even though I wish my relationship didn't end, I wish I got at least what you got which was a reason as to WHY. the WHY of it is what is killing me the most.

 

I guess also, if your relationship was strained for the last 9 months (as was mine in the last few months too) then I guess you can't stop the inevitable from happening. At least you gave it all you've got.

 

I know what you mean now, a lot has changed in the last few weeks for me to, and although I can't stop thinking about him and what I'd want to say or what I want him to say, if i actually did hear from him, I think I'd say none of it. I'm in therapy too, and have a great best friend I can talk to about all of this with but you are so right, the only way I'd ever feel released from this is to speak to HIM about it, he is the only one who can bring me so much pain and then take it away.

 

I know time will heal us both, it's just the waiting in between that is absolute torture. i can't wait for the day that I wake up and he doesn't pop into my head and I can be free.

 

how are you feeling today?

[kandygurl22]

So my houdini of of an ex just reappeared! with the same act, brilliantly skirting around the issue to avoid confrontation (just saying that he's been busy since we last saw each other and that's why he hasn't been able to give our problems attention) and saying we should discuss it this weekend. Like I said earlier I just feel blank but I am going to take the bait and talk to him but I am not pushing the issue anymore, he needs to step up. We'll see what happens, if anything does. I've turned into a pessimist overnight. But at least I am not sad and angry anymore.

 

 

Oh wow for real... do you feel a little bit relieved in a way now that the whole waiting game is over for now?

 

I'd have to agree with you, do NOT take the bait.

Why should he be able to come in and out of your life as he pleases like that? He knew you wanted to talk, he knew you were hurt by his actions, and he didn't give a f**k then, he expected you to wait for him and now that he's suddenly resurfaced, you're expected to talk about it after all this time because he suddenly has the time to give you? Being 'busy' just does not cut it. No, that's not good enough. It's probably not a bad thing to turn into a pessimist for now if you're not sad and angry, it brings you back to reality and deep down you KNOW you deserve to be treated better and you don't need his pathetic breadcrumbs. You are not available at his beck and call.

You ARE stronger than that, and you will bounce back from this no matter how crap it feels now, and one day when you no longer care about him, he will still be a weak man who doesn't treat people he 'loves' the right way and you will be on your way to better things knowing that you got through something as heartbreaking as this situation.

 

If I ever hear from my ex again, it's gonna be my own test of my own strength to myself to not respond and not give him the time of day!

I was miserable today on the way to work, tearing up again cause he's on my mind non stop, and then suddenly snapped out of it. This man doesn't deserve my tears. This man doesn't need me to make excuses for him. Bottom line is, this man was lucky to have me and not the other way around, he doesn't deserve a girl like me. If we do everything for these guys and we tried so hard to keep them happy and they didn't appreciate that, well, we can walk out of this houdini act at least with our head held high knowing that we are not cowards, and we can stand up and make the effort for the people we love and these guys are incapable of that. So automatically that makes us better people. They are beneath us, and absolutely do not deserve another moment of our time to waste.

 

Sorry for the rant, I'm just having a day of feeling stronger and I want to make the most of it! Drill that sh** into my head and not be pathetic and cry over a loser anymore!!! Lol!

 

Are you going to speak with him on the weekend or have you decided not to?

[stevie_23]

I feel ok today, much the same as always. The anti-depressants even me out. I was thinking about him last night as I fell asleep and I felt ok. Kind of sleepy, vague, “above” the feelings. (it’s a feeling similar to when you’re on a plane and you go above the first layer of clouds, and there are gaps in the clouds so you can see the towns and land below, but you’re above and apart from them. It’s like that for me now. The towns and land are my pain and anxiety, and I am above them in the clouds)

 

I’m sick right now though, so physically I feel pretty hideous today. Lol.

 

And yes, if you never get a WHY about why a relationship ends, it makes it so much harder. I was thinking about that last night too. It’s sort of like…people feel the need to understand things that affect them, so they can have some closure, peace and can preferably avoid it happening again.

 

If there IS no explanation or reason that you can work out, the only person you understand is yourself and your own feelings. And this is why many people in this situation often assign blame to themselves or take the responsibility of the breakup onto themselves, and this simply isn’t right. But it’s all they know how to do because there IS no other source of explanation and so they CAN’T understand why it happened in any other way.

[Leigh 87]

I can tell you ofr a fact that if a guy is truly in love with a women, he will not just leave her after a year, and he would need her if he was going through hard times.

Just trust me on this one please: a year is enough to establish a very loving and serious relationship. IF it is not like that by now, it is not supposed to be...

 

It is not to do with how you look, and it does not mean your not good enough! He will not always get a true "love" feeling for even the most beautiful, kind, wonderful girl!

You either have it or you dont with someone..... No matter how amazing they are, you just cannot get the feelings of "deep love" for just any person.

 

Plenty of guys meet a wonderful girl, who they think is "wow, she is so gorgeous and such an amazing person, she is the girl of my dreams".... Yet they just cannot get enough strong emotions towards her. It is not meant to be, for reasons no one on earth can explain. It is just a "feeling" you either have with someone or you don't.

 

Last example: My boyfriend has a "dream girl"... An aussie singer who is just stunning, and extremely beautifyl in her spirit. He is a musician too so... But guess what? Even his dream girl, may not necessarily make him love her deeply... Because the feelings are either there, or they aren't. No matter HOW much he admires her and WANTS her to be "the one"

 

A lot of men are clueless when it comes to relationships. They date girls and forge relationships with girls, who they just do not "feel" it with, but they like the girl enough to keep spending time with her.

Maybe they enjoy our company a lot, and like having you as a fixture in their lives.

Maybe they think "well, she is pretty and nice and I am really happy to have someone like HEr as a girlfriend, but geez, why can't I feel strongly about her? In theory, she is perfect and I want to be with a girl like her!"

A lot of men CAN and WILL continue seeing a girl they are not madly in love with, because it still feels nice to have them. The men are satisfied, but they do not realise that it still is not a "deeply in love" match.

 

PLENTY... in fact MOST men will, at least once, go out with a girl who they are not in love with and who they are not totally crazy about, because they really like her still.. but not enough to sustain a long term relationship.

I KNOW this is horrible! I mean, why would he bother with you, unless he really loved you, and needed to be with you!

[Leigh 87]

I hope my post helps, because.. I just know it is 100% true.

 

Really, the strongest type of love between two people means that when the hard times happen, you BOTH need to be with each other.

What happened here is not a guy who has the strongest type of love for you. No matter how much he "likes" you as a person, and liked having you as a girlfriend.

 

He would not have just left you without explanation if you were the love of his life.

Although it could have been very hard for him to leave, who knows what he went through.....

A possibility is that he really liked having you in many ways, but simply realised that he lacked something with your relationship, but is attachd to you somewhat, and therefore found it hard to break upw ith you.

 

So he could have taken the cowards way out, rather than facing you and being honest. He ran away, possibly because breaking up is just hard. He probably liked you and was sad to leave, but knew it was not the sort of love that could see you into old age.

 

I guess with what is happening in his personal life, he could have thought "geez, i do not want to deal with HER too, I do not feel like being close to her during this difficult time, but I do not have the energy to end it, wuth everything else that is going on"

 

to get closure I guess you could ask him exactly what went on, but maybe in the form of an email or letter, so your not so in his face......

 

I would just say sometihng like " I accept that you do not need me in your life, or you would have needed me when times got hard for you.. but I need closure, and I would feel better if I just knew why you left me the way that you did"

 

" i do nto want to get back with you or anything, I genuinely just want to knwo what happened. That is seriously all"

 

 

 

..NO contact will allow you to heal FASTER than if you get closure though.

[Leigh 87]

I do still believe he loved me. He had a heap of stuff he was constantly struggling with in his own life and mind. It’s different to your situation. He was married. His wife was always on his case and paranoid about us, she found out about us FOUR separate times. The last time was just too much for him. He’s 61, I’m 34. He lives across the world from me. I’ve been with my real life partner for 11.5 years. Neither of us could come and be with the other properly. We wanted to do that, but then…some other stuff happened in his life that made that possibility an IMpossibility. Then we decided to just stay together online / text and be happy with that, but…it got too hard. He was always trying to juggle and balance his “two lives”. Mine and his, and his.

 

 

 

 

 

I do not believe that stuff going on in their lives is enough for them to pull away from you, if they truly are in love with you.

 

My partners mother died just before we met. They were extremely close and he was very damaged and di nto get help for it.

He was also a super independant guy who did not want to answer to a girl all of the time.

 

Yet he still managed to text me once a day, even if it was just a "goodnight miss you" text.

I am not saying my relationship is the picture of health; we have done some things that people would rown upon and have (on this website, people know our history...)

but hey - my point is, my boyfriend was very independant and went trough personal dramas of losing his mum and his good friend soon after in a car accident.

 

There are different levels of feelings people are able to have for another person..... As I said earlier, it is nothing to do with how awesome or beautiful you are, there is seriously nothing you could have done better, that would have made them love you more.

 

He may have loved you, but not in the way that is needed for a lifelong relationship i dont believe...

 

Not to say he did not love you of course! but you know, people have diferent ideals of what love is, and if my partner did that to me, I would not bother with him anymore. We would have different ideas of what love is

[stevie_23]

Well, I’m not sure if you’ve read all of my story. He DID turn to me and need me more than ever during hard times in his life. He shared everything with me about his feelings and thoughts. Everything he could. And he was there for me when I encountered hard times too. Always.

 

He was married and his wife found out 4 times during our almost 2 year relationship. The 4th time was too much for him and he left. He DID love me dearly and he wanted to be with me properly (not just online / long distance), but I was with someone too and so he couldn’t just come and be with me. He had to live his own life AND try to maintain our life too. It got too hard. I don’t blame him.

 

I also know I didn’t need to be perfect. I was not perfect by any means, but he said I was perfect for HIM, and at the time, he was for me too. He thought I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever known and told me so regularly. Not in a smarmy, sleazy way either. He was genuine. He loved me best without makeup on, and when I had a cold a few months back and did a video for him lying down in bed, eyes all puffy, he said I was so beautiful. He was very good to me. I also know that even without any of that from him, I look damn good. I have an excellent body, a nice face, I’m funny, intelligent, wise (mostly), quirky and interesting, and loving and affectionate. So I do know of course that nothing I could have done would change his choice. Because it wasn’t about me in the first place.

[kandygurl22]

I feel ok today, much the same as always. The anti-depressants even me out. I was thinking about him last night as I fell asleep and I felt ok. Kind of sleepy, vague, “above” the feelings. (it’s a feeling similar to when you’re on a plane and you go above the first layer of clouds, and there are gaps in the clouds so you can see the towns and land below, but you’re above and apart from them. It’s like that for me now. The towns and land are my pain and anxiety, and I am above them in the clouds)

 

I’m sick right now though, so physically I feel pretty hideous today. Lol.

 

And yes, if you never get a WHY about why a relationship ends, it makes it so much harder. I was thinking about that last night too. It’s sort of like…people feel the need to understand things that affect them, so they can have some closure, peace and can preferably avoid it happening again.

 

If there IS no explanation or reason that you can work out, the only person you understand is yourself and your own feelings. And this is why many people in this situation often assign blame to themselves or take the responsibility of the breakup onto themselves, and this simply isn’t right. But it’s all they know how to do because there IS no other source of explanation and so they CAN’T understand why it happened in any other way.

 

aww yeah, everyday is a struggle.. but i really hope you are pulling through each day alright and that it gets the tiniest bit easier as the days go by.

i struggle with anxiety too, i had before i met him and it's only gotten worse now.

 

yeah exactly, if i had a reason then i could actually process it. without a reason, my mind is all over the place trying to scramble around to find any reason for what happened. was it me, was it him? i might never know which does my head in the most. if it was something i did, even though it hurts to break up, i'd want to know what i did wrong so i don't do it again! but i know it's not me... which is even more confusing if that makes sense.

 

someone you loved so much and you thought loved you back... we were on the same level with everything before, always understood each other and cared so much and to suddenly realize you have no idea who this person is and how they think... that just blows my mind a little bit.

 

do you think you'll ever speak to your ex again? or not counting on it?

[kandygurl22]

I hope my post helps, because.. I just know it is 100% true.

 

Really, the strongest type of love between two people means that when the hard times happen, you BOTH need to be with each other.

What happened here is not a guy who has the strongest type of love for you. No matter how much he "likes" you as a person, and liked having you as a girlfriend.

 

He would not have just left you without explanation if you were the love of his life.

Although it could have been very hard for him to leave, who knows what he went through.....

A possibility is that he really liked having you in many ways, but simply realised that he lacked something with your relationship, but is attachd to you somewhat, and therefore found it hard to break upw ith you.

 

So he could have taken the cowards way out, rather than facing you and being honest. He ran away, possibly because breaking up is just hard. He probably liked you and was sad to leave, but knew it was not the sort of love that could see you into old age.

 

I guess with what is happening in his personal life, he could have thought "geez, i do not want to deal with HER too, I do not feel like being close to her during this difficult time, but I do not have the energy to end it, wuth everything else that is going on"

 

to get closure I guess you could ask him exactly what went on, but maybe in the form of an email or letter, so your not so in his face......

 

I would just say sometihng like " I accept that you do not need me in your life, or you would have needed me when times got hard for you.. but I need closure, and I would feel better if I just knew why you left me the way that you did"

 

" i do nto want to get back with you or anything, I genuinely just want to knwo what happened. That is seriously all"

 

 

 

..NO contact will allow you to heal FASTER than if you get closure though.

 

thanks for that..

 

yeah, i do agree with your post, though i know he really did truly love me - if not anymore, he really loved me so much before, i could feel it, he always proved it to me.

 

the situation is just more complex than that, it wasn't a normal relationship due to him being separated and still living with his wife and kids. so i guess i was doomed from the beginning no matter how much we loved each other.

 

but i do know that he will never love anyone more than he loves himself, he is incredibly selfish in that respect.

 

this is the first time he's not opened up to me about things gone wrong in his life though, that is why i am so confused. we used to always talk to each other about everything, i always knew what was going on with him.. so it's unlike him to vanish like this. especially seeing as our last conversation wasn't particularly spiteful, he knew i was upset but he still got back to me explaining everything and that he'd explain it more to me when it all calms down. though now 3 weeks has passed is why i'm lost as to why i haven't heard from him.

 

also the fact that i took a break from him in october/november and he begged his way back, he was a mess without me and it broke my heart. we got back together and he was better than ever, proving every single day how much he loved me. and then this. so i don't doubt his love for me, i just know it wasn't enough and he probably couldn't handle it with everything else going on for him. getting involved with a separated/married man generally doesn't ever work out when their lives are still so messy. he knew he wasn't giving me what i needed and that hurt him too but it's not like he could rush his situation and i didn't expect him to.

 

i might email him, but at the end of the day what is the point? we could never try again, not while he is still married etc, and i don't think he deserves another chance. and no matter if he loved me or didn't love me as much as he said, and no matter how long or short the relationship, a person shouldn't ever just disappear like that. he said he would explain it to me, he wasn't mad last time we spoke, he was apologizing profusely for not speaking to me for 10 days, even though he told me he needed some time to work things out. but now.... 3 weeks later... what gives!?

[kandygurl22]

So I do know of course that nothing I could have done would change his choice. Because it wasn’t about me in the first place.

 

THAT IS EXACTLY IT.

 

It's not about the relationship, the love etc. It isn't about us as people or if we did something wrong. It is and always was about THEM. cause we were on their time, on their schedule, at their convenience because of the situation. If it was a normal relationship with a single guy, things would have been so different but because we were involved with separated/married men, it was always different from the start.

 

I know my guy didn't go out looking for a relationship, we started as friends at work and we couldn't help how we felt for each other. it was instant. it was so powerful and overwhelming. and we both have said that if we could have helped it we never would have started it cause we know how complicated it was but when you love someone you just can't help yourself.

 

But it was all about them. It was all up to them. If they sorted out their own lives, THEN we could have been together properly. But they have so much baggage, so many issues, and that wasn't our fault no matter how much we tried to make it work.

 

I really do think my guy was sick of putting me through his problems too, he always had some kind of drama in his life going on and he used to always talk to me about it until he realized how much it was taking a toll on me... and slowly he started to tell me less and less and I stopped becoming a part of his life where complications were involved. and i don't know if it hurts more or less to not be a part of it. it hurts just the same.

 

Ugh.

[stevie_23]

do you think you'll ever speak to your ex again? or not counting on it?

 

I think a large part of me does believe we will talk again. I kind of feel (and this is possibly a really lame and stupid thing to feel, but I’ll say it anyway) like we’ve been joined for many years (lifetimes) before and will continue to be.

 

Also, we met on a songwriting forum that we’re both still active on. Him not so much lately because he’s so busy and obviously he is going through this break up and is trying to get some distance from me. He may think I’ll try to talk to him through the public part of the forum if he appears on there and posts normally like he used to (and this is understandable because in the past when he’s had to disappear because of his wife or whatever, I have tried to do this. I have been very persistent.)

 

But yeah, part of me feels that we are still…there. Not together anymore, but…still in the same sort of circle of consciousness, if that makes any sense. We were casual forum friends for 1-2 years before anything even started to happen between us. He said he felt energy during this time, but I didn’t. I just thought he was a lovely, encouraging and supportive guy. He had a “thing” for me all that time though, but he never thought it’d go anywhere until it…did.

 

So…I do think maybe one day, and who knows how long it might take, we COULD potentially go back to…something. Some sort of friendly interaction. The feelings will always be there for each other, I think. I don’t believe they will ever fully go away. It depends (for him) if he can talk to me and NOT find it too hard if he does still have those feelings. And for me, I think I’d enjoy just interacting with him even if it could never be how it was while we were together. To me it’d seem to come full circle, if that makes sense. Going back to how it was before we got together all those years ago.

 

Cause I've always believed just because you can't be together as a couple anymore doesn't mean you have to suddenly find no value or worth in this person as a PERSON. If you loved them and neither of you did anything so horrible you can't get beyond it, I don't see why you can't continue to value this person you once held so dear to your heart.

Edited January 23, 2013 by stevie_23

[Leigh 87]

OH!

 

SOrry girls, I had no idea you were dealing with married men here.....

 

So they were obviously not really in love with their wives, hence why they saw you....

 

And I guess even being with the women you love is too hard when another women is involved:(

 

I mean that if it is just the two of you, and no other factors like wives and chilren holding him back from being with you constantly, then the relationship should have grown to the stage where he would just.. be with you a lot of the time, and have no reason to just up and leave. except if he never really loved you enough.

 

Why were they still with their wives? It must have been a nightmare to deal with a third party in your relationships.

 

Were they just staying for their kids sake?

 

I still have a certain idea of love.....

 

i think if they loved you both in the deepest sense, they would be miserable without you and thinking of you a lot...

 

They probably are extremely upset themselves if they really loved you.

[Leigh 87]

Maybe you can send them an email, saying that you with them well, and that in the future maybe you can be together, but until then your just going to move on, because your better off finding someone who not only loves you, but does not have a wife or ex partner holding them back....

 

I am a bit of a romantic in the sense that if the "feelings are there, I think anything could happen.

I have no idea what your situation is like, from either party.... I know my partner loves me, but if he had a wife and kids? And us being together went against what the OTHER women wanted....

 

yeah. Your situations are just more complicated than I can actually give any advice for.

Sorry if I offended you ladies, it is just because MOST men who are single and really in love with a girl, and it as been months and they spend every day at least talking to another....

 

Then guys like that tend to not just leave, if they really love the girl!

 

But yeah. With their wives and all that sh8t, it is a different scenario!

 

I know you would rather have your guys back, but once all this is past, you DO realise that logically, there ARE men out there who are single, and will be crazy about you?

 

I wish you girls luck, I am very sorry to hear your feeling so bad!

[kandygurl22]

I think a large part of me does believe we will talk again. I kind of feel (and this is possibly a really lame and stupid thing to feel, but I’ll say it anyway) like we’ve been joined for many years (lifetimes) before and will continue to be.

 

Also, we met on a songwriting forum that we’re both still active on. Him not so much lately because he’s so busy and obviously he is going through this break up and is trying to get some distance from me. He may think I’ll try to talk to him through the public part of the forum if he appears on there and posts normally like he used to (and this is understandable because in the past when he’s had to disappear because of his wife or whatever, I have tried to do this. I have been very persistent.)

 

But yeah, part of me feels that we are still…there. Not together anymore, but…still in the same sort of circle of consciousness, if that makes any sense. We were casual forum friends for 1-2 years before anything even started to happen between us. He said he felt energy during this time, but I didn’t. I just thought he was a lovely, encouraging and supportive guy. He had a “thing” for me all that time though, but he never thought it’d go anywhere until it…did.

 

So…I do think maybe one day, and who knows how long it might take, we COULD potentially go back to…something. Some sort of friendly interaction. The feelings will always be there for each other, I think. I don’t believe they will ever fully go away. It depends (for him) if he can talk to me and NOT find it too hard if he does still have those feelings. And for me, I think I’d enjoy just interacting with him even if it could never be how it was while we were together. To me it’d seem to come full circle, if that makes sense. Going back to how it was before we got together all those years ago.

 

Cause I've always believed just because you can't be together as a couple anymore doesn't mean you have to suddenly find no value or worth in this person as a PERSON. If you loved them and neither of you did anything so horrible you can't get beyond it, I don't see why you can't continue to value this person you once held so dear to your heart.

 

I feel the same way too..

 

I totally feel like it's a waste of a real and deep human connection to never speak to them again.

 

Though do you think it would only work when we are truly over the feelings of being in love and just come to the point where we love them just as friends?

 

I couldn't imagine NEVER speaking to him again, especially seeing as we didn't fight. Yes I am angry about what he's doing now - it's out of character for him though so I do hope he comes back with an explanation so that I can let go of my anger and get over my feelings for him and we can try to resume what our relationship was based on - a true friendship. I am content to never be his girlfriend, cause I know it wouldn't truly be smooth sailing until he's gone through his whole divorce process and that's going to get really messy. But i would like to be there to support him as a friend.

 

Or is that just wishful thinking cause we aren't ready to totally let go?

[stevie_23]

I feel the same way as this, but not everyone agrees with our point of view.

 

Many people (and I’ve learnt this even more since coming on here) feel that once a relationship is over, EVERYTHING about that person is over and it’s simply not necessary to have any further interactions. I find this odd, but apparently it’s a fairly normal way to feel.

 

Leigh...

 

Ah yes indeed, married men. Lol. It is fraught with difficulty.

 

Why did my ex not leave his wife? They weren’t actually married when we got together. They only got married 6 months ago. She’d asked him the year before but he said no. He didn’t want to marry her. He was in the process of trying to take steps and work out how to leave her and come to me. So…he turned her down.

 

But 6 months ago he got really sick and needed to pay $20,000+ in medical bills he couldn’t afford. His wife had employee health insurance and everyone (her, her 3 adult children who live with them) started talking about getting married so he could use that insurance. He also felt, due to his poor health (which has improved but the problem will always be there and will only get worse as he gets older. He’s 61 already. I’m 34. His wife is 51), he would need some domestic stability and financial stability…someone to be there to take care of him later. He didn’t want to burden me with that, and I understand. I don’t want to be a carer at age 45 for instance, and I don’t want to be a widow at age 55, given the 27 year age difference between us.

 

He did want to come to me. And I believe he would have. IF (a) I wasn’t already with someone else I didn’t particularly want to leave (without knowing for SURE me and him would definitely work out), (b) he didn’t have those health problems in his way, and © either of us had enough money to protect him and us. I have no health insurance. If he moved here, neither would he. I can’t even afford to support myself financially, let alone him too. He’s 61. It’s hard enough to get a job here, let alone at his age. For us to even begin to take the steps to really be together, he would’ve had to have visited me here to see how things went in “real life” together. But how could he do that while still being with his wife? He’d have to have left her first, and been alone, and THEN come to visit me. But that’s a huge risk. Even if things DID work out with us and then I left my partner, there are all those financial and health matters again.

 

So sometimes they do have to stay with their wives for practical reasons. No, he does not love her. He cares for her and they got on pretty well, but…he was in love with me. Wanted to be with me. But sometimes that just isn’t enough.

Edited January 23, 2013 by stevie_23

[kandygurl22]

Maybe you can send them an email, saying that you with them well, and that in the future maybe you can be together, but until then your just going to move on, because your better off finding someone who not only loves you, but does not have a wife or ex partner holding them back....

 

I am a bit of a romantic in the sense that if the "feelings are there, I think anything could happen.

I have no idea what your situation is like, from either party.... I know my partner loves me, but if he had a wife and kids? And us being together went against what the OTHER women wanted....

 

yeah. Your situations are just more complicated than I can actually give any advice for.

Sorry if I offended you ladies, it is just because MOST men who are single and really in love with a girl, and it as been months and they spend every day at least talking to another....

 

Then guys like that tend to not just leave, if they really love the girl!

 

But yeah. With their wives and all that sh8t, it is a different scenario!

 

I know you would rather have your guys back, but once all this is past, you DO realise that logically, there ARE men out there who are single, and will be crazy about you?

 

I wish you girls luck, I am very sorry to hear your feeling so bad!

 

 

Awww thanks for your support - you seem really sweet!

 

But yeah, it wasn't a question of if we wanted to be together - it's that we really just couldn't at this point.

 

In my case, he is separated, still married and staying in the house cause the kids are so young and it would ruin him financially - he doesn't want to put that burden on his kids either. I know he is not intimate with his wife, she wants out just as bad as he does but it's all about the kids and I respect that cause he is a great father and is sacrificing himself to make the best life he can for them.

 

However yeah, due to his culture too, his family would not accept him having a GF before he's gone through the divorce process, so only his best friends know about me but otherwise it was all a big secret which really took a toll on us.

 

Oh and hell yeah, if he was single I would know he didn't love me cause there's no reason to do that - but the married thing changes the whole game.

It doesn't matter how you feel, cause we really shouldn't be feeling that way, we CAN'T make the most of our love until he's sorted his sh** out.

 

It really sucks though, I meet so many nice single guys who I know would be great for me, but I just am unable to feel that connection like I did with my guy. He really was a big love for me. And I HATE so much everyday that I met him when I did.

 

He really was so miserable without me last time. That's why I don't understand it now.

 

His last text I got was after I said I wouldn't meet him and it said along the lines of "I wanted to meet you for coffee to explain everything and give you your christmas present. I haven't been in a good place, I haven't been all there and I'm still not... I don't expect you to completely understand but I didn't do anything to you on purpose, I swear. I do understand what you're saying and I am really sorry, I really swear I am. I know I don't have what it takes to be a good bf, but I'm not being a good friend either right now and you don't deserve that, it doesn't mean I don't care about you, I'm just hopeless and have been slammed in every direction. One day I'll try and explain all of this to you. I don't expect you to drop everything and be normal towards me but I just want you to know I understand where you're coming from and I'm sorry."

 

And then I said back to him that it still hurt me that I didn't hear from him over the holidays and that he could explain it to me when it all calms down and until then I hope everyone is ok and he's ok and to take care.

 

Does that sound like a goodbye message to you??? Cause to me I really thought i'd hear from him again by now!!! But I'm too scared to contact him in case he suddenly decided he doesn't want a bar of me. But then also the last month or so our messages have sometimes not gone through to each other cause my phone and his phone have been acting up - i don't get all my texts from other people all the time either. So I was all strung out that what if he texted and I never got it and he thinks I'm mad at HIM so he didn't try to call?

 

Or again, probably wishful thinking.

 

But what do you think of that last text from him?

Edited January 23, 2013 by kandygurl22

[ana0pera]

do you feel a little bit relieved in a way now that the whole waiting game is over for now?

 

well that's the thing, i am not sure if the waiting game is over. I've finally gotten a response from him, an acknowledgement that he's seen my messages and knows how I feel, but I didn't get an answer to my original question(s), but a "promise" that i will get those answers. I am curious to see what he says and see if he follows through, so I agreed to talk but I am not going out of my way to make sure it happens because I've put the ball in his court. I am tired of playing games and he knows that.

 

You sound so much stronger, kandygurl, and you can stand up to him! Some days are going to be rough but you have to remember that you're doing this for yourself, and there's no gain without pain. I wrote a really nasty letter addressed to my ex that I didn't send (because it was really mean and I knew I'd regret it later because I never say mean things like what I wrote) and that, coupled with deleting a lot of memories really helped. You might want to try it, write a list of things about him that you don't like so when you feel weak and miss him, you can look at it and say, "I am not leaving something worth my time behind. I deserve better than that."

 

I hope that I can stay strong during our chat and after, that will be my real test!

[kandygurl22]

well that's the thing, i am not sure if the waiting game is over. I've finally gotten a response from him, an acknowledgement that he's seen my messages and knows how I feel, but I didn't get an answer to my original question(s), but a "promise" that i will get those answers. I am curious to see what he says and see if he follows through, so I agreed to talk but I am not going out of my way to make sure it happens because I've put the ball in his court. I am tired of playing games and he knows that.

 

You sound so much stronger, kandygurl, and you can stand up to him! Some days are going to be rough but you have to remember that you're doing this for yourself, and there's no gain without pain. I wrote a really nasty letter addressed to my ex that I didn't send (because it was really mean and I knew I'd regret it later because I never say mean things like what I wrote) and that, coupled with deleting a lot of memories really helped. You might want to try it, write a list of things about him that you don't like so when you feel weak and miss him, you can look at it and say, "I am not leaving something worth my time behind. I deserve better than that."

 

I hope that I can stay strong during our chat and after, that will be my real test!

 

true.. well i think you deserve more than anything to get the answers you need... but remember to try to not take his excuses and let him get away with it so easy cause no matter what he says, he still went MIA on you with no regard to how you feel. hear him out, but don't let him manipulate you! but it should be a relief to know you're finally getting that explanation that you have been waiting for, even if it turns out to not be good enough, at least it's there, closure, and you will have a better idea of how you can take it from there.

 

aw thank you! yeah i do feel a little bit better today! who knows what tomorrow will bring but i'm going to try to relax and take it a day at a time..

you're so spot on with the list and writing the letters! i really express myself the most when i'm writing it all out, and this morning i planned to write a huge sh*t list about him and stick it up on my wall so i remember everything bad about him and reasons why i'm better off!

 

i did decide to stop being so stubborn with myself though... i think if i am still having a hard time coping and not feeling any better in two weeks i am going to put my pride down and try ONCE to call him - i think i'll do this on feb 10... our 1 year :'( if he doesn't answer or call back, i might send one text, say what i need to and leave it at that. what do u think?

 

if u get a chance, i posted in my previous message a text from him... i am just really curious to see what u guys think of that... im sick of trying to decode it and find the slightest hint in there that he may have wanted to break up... but im stuck and all i can do is keep rereading his text until i feel like a spastic.

 

i know u can stay strong before and after! who knows, after hearing whatever excuses he has ready for u, it might just help you see him in a different way and help you move on.

and totally feel free to post here or PM if you're feeling nervous before or after and need to vent and talk about it and let us know what he said! i'm really curious!!

[stevie_23]

I noticed the thing about not getting the answers you wanted, even though he did talk to you finally...

 

This happened in June when my ex left me for a month, for the first time. He did tell me he was leaving and explained why, but didn't give me a chance to respond before going NC.

 

When he did start talking to me again, I made the mistake of bombarding him with BILLIONS of questions. I just wanted answers. I got incredibly obsessed with getting answers. I'd write a billion of them, and then when he'd answer a small part but not the rest, I'd repeat the ones I wanted answers to most, and EVENTUALLY he did actually "answer" everything I needed to know.

 

And I put "answer" in those inverted commas not because he didn't do it to my satisfaction, but because I now see, you're never going to get specific answers to questions right away. It takes time. He took quite some time after we were back together again before we openly talked about that time he was away and I actually finally got complete closure about it.

 

Sometimes it's best not to "demand" answers right away...not demanding or expecting too much sometimes enables the guys to feel more able to tell us what we need to hear. (and I don't mean that in the way that they're lying to us cause they think that's what we want to hear. I simply mean they can finally tell us what we have been needing to know all this time)

[Leigh 87]

Stevie - so how were you able to be with someone, while you pursued the married men?

 

Just so you know, I am totally NOT judging you. At all. I am genuinly just interested as to why people do things.

 

Personally, when I am with a guy, I am ALL consumed with my love for them, that I have absolutely NO energy or love left for another man.

 

...Is it that you got with the other guy, then met the older, 61 year old, and realised that in fact the 61 year old was the "real deal", and your other guy was well...

 

Basically, did you realise you were not truly in love with the other guy, and were in fact in love with the other guy?

 

 

 

 

Thanks in advance for anything you feel like sharing:)

[stevie_23]

Well, it's complicated.

 

Firstly, my real life long term relationship is with a woman. Before I met my ex-MM, I thought I was gay. Now I don't think so.

 

I have been with my real life partner for 11.5 years. I thought we were the "perfect" couple for about the first 5-6 of those years, except we never EVER had sex. I didn't mind that. Was happy with it, in fact. Everything else was perfect, in my opinion.

 

Then I started to slowly notice (but I pushed it from my mind) I didn't quite feel the same about her that I used to. Just...less interest. Still love of course, but I didn't feel that need to always be with her, spend time with her, be CLOSE to her, you know? I ignored it because it worried and disappointed me to feel that way.

 

Then I met my ex-MM online. Neither of us planned for anything to happen. We met on a songwriting forum we both are members of. We'd been casual friends on there for about 1-2 years before we got closer. After that, everything happened very suddenly.

 

I thought I was "safe" from having an affair because I was gay, wasn't I!? lol. He was way older than me (my real life partner is 17 years older than me also), he and I were both with other people, and he lived across the world from me.

 

So I indulged and explored my growing feelings for him, assuming nothing would ever happen beyond me getting a crush and then it fading when he didn't reciprocate.

 

I didn't even realise it was anything more than a simple crush until it dawned on me that I felt EXACTLY the same way I'd felt back in 2001 when I first met my real life partner online. We met online too, way back then, and were online-only for the first 9 months of knowing each other and the first 6 months of our relationship. So I recognised my feelings and realised I was in love with my ex-MM.

 

So...yeah. I still love and care deeply for my real life partner. I am still IN LOVE with my ex-MM though.