Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Do you take responsibility for the troubles in own your marriage? I take responsibility for my children's welfare and happiness. I gave my all to my marriage for 15 years. He cannot say the same. He assumed I'd never leave and has admitted that in MC. Too little too late, especially considering he hasn't changed. I left the marriage with my head up and my dignity intact. No regrets or second guessing that I worked to try and make it succeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 First off I have accepted my 50% of the issues prior to the affair. I know it is my fault that I chose to work late hours and support my family. I left the door wide open for someone else to walk through. But while things might not have been "great" a good person tells the spouse the problems and works on solving the issues. They don't go out and find someone else to confide in or fall into bed with. It also would not be a possibility if the OW/MOW didn't pretend to be niave themselves. I don't know how many times I have heard "it just happened" or "I fell in love" or my all time favorite "I do not have any responsibility to the marriage". Either way we are dealing with two people that do not care who they might be hurting. Consider the pot stirred. I went into my affair with my eyes open. It was a deliberate choice between two people who were taken for granted in their marriages. We know why we started it and discussed it at length. Quite frankly, I don't know his wife but my responsibility was for my husband. My AP had to consider his wife. Neither of us ever felt guilty. I'm sure the assumption here will be that both of us are selfish creatures who deserve to rot in hell. The reality is that people are meant to be loved and appreciated. After years of not feeling that, neither of us was going to pass on that opportunity. The focus of affairs is always on sex but the majority of our time was spent talking and enjoying each other's genuine interest in each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 OW - You most definitely ARE trying to stir the pot. I can't see how having answers to your offensive questions would be supportive to anyone. I hope for your sake that you can heal from your bitterness towards BSs. Sorry you take it that way. I was genuinely interested but I can see victimization is a much easier road for most of you. Point here, you haven't learned why your husband strayed and that means it will probably happen again. Rose colored glasses are apparent on this board, too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I'm really not trying to create a firestorm here but I have to ask.... I've read a lot here and the OW/OM board about naive APs. While I realize cheating is a betrayal, for those BS's who quit being intimate with your spouse, what did you expect to happen? Seriously, if you decided you don't need sex, or rarely want it, how can you be surprised when your spouse looks for sex, and quite frankly, intimacy on other levels, elsewhere? Again, I'm not trying to stir the pot but I've yet to read a post on this board of one spouse who wasn't surprised or who took any responsibility for their marriage at least being in trouble. Not saying that trouble justifies the affair but it certainly should remove your utter shock. Thoughts? I think you should read more........ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/196969-contribution-marital-dissatisfaction Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I went into my affair with my eyes open. It was a deliberate choice between two people who were taken for granted in their marriages. We know why we started it and discussed it at length. Quite frankly, I don't know his wife but my responsibility was for my husband. My AP had to consider his wife. Neither of us ever felt guilty. I'm sure the assumption here will be that both of us are selfish creatures who deserve to rot in hell. The reality is that people are meant to be loved and appreciated. After years of not feeling that, neither of us was going to pass on that opportunity. The focus of affairs is always on sex but the majority of our time was spent talking and enjoying each other's genuine interest in each other. Well, hell I was taken for granted too. Guess I should just screw some other woman's man. The excuse does not fly with my FWH nor should it fly with you or any other person that cheats. Either fix the problems or get the hell out. If we were to ask your husband did you try to make him feel special too? Was he satisfied with what you provided him? It really bothers me that there are so many people that do care who their actions might hurt. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I take responsibility for my children's welfare and happiness. I gave my all to my marriage for 15 years. He cannot say the same. He assumed I'd never leave and has admitted that in MC. Too little too late, especially considering he hasn't changed. I left the marriage with my head up and my dignity intact. No regrets or second guessing that I worked to try and make it succeed. You cut off sex, you encouraged your husband to get himself another woman, is that how you worked at making your marriage succeed. You cut off sex with you husband, cheat on him, and then you have the nerve to point your finger at betrayed spouses and pretty much accuse them of not taking responsibility for a sexless marriage and then call them naive if they were cheated on. So if you cut off sex, it's because your husband was a jerk, but if a betrayed spouse cut off sex, she's naive and not taking responsibility for the problems in her marriage. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
buckeyeblue Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Don't presume to know anything about me. My STBXH did not "stray". Rather, he picked up an insecure, morally reprehensible, desparate divorcee. He did this because he is selfish and was raised by parents who taught him that "a little on the side" was okay. He thought that, like his mother, I would just look the other way. He was wrong. My kids and I left him and we are doing okay. He, on the other hand, threw his AP under the bus and is now alone. You have been told the "real" story over and over. We BSs are decent people who married sh**ty people, who, in turn, screwed other sh**ty people. You just choose not to believe the truth. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Well, hell I was taken for granted too. Guess I should just screw some other woman's man. The excuse does not fly with my FWH nor should it fly with you or any other person that cheats. Either fix the problems or get the hell out. If we were to ask your husband did you try to make him feel special too? Was he satisfied with what you provided him? It really bothers me that there are so many people that do care who their actions might hurt. My husband was satisfied and wants to remain married. He was a cake eater in a different way than a cheater. He took care of himself while I took care of everything else, including our children. Of course he wants to stay married. Why get rid of the babysitter, maid, and my six figure salary? He's not stupid but none of that means he has any devotion to our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 You cut off sex, you encouraged your husband to get himself another woman, is that how you worked at making your marriage succeed. You cut off sex with you husband, cheat on him, and then you have the nerve to point your finger at betrayed spouses and pretty much accuse them of not taking responsibility for a sexless marriage and then call them naive if they were cheated on. So if you cut off sex, it's because your husband was a jerk, but if a betrayed spouse cut off sex, she's naive and not taking responsibility for the problems in her marriage. I cut off sex long after I tried to salvage the marriage. It was the result of it failing. Maybe some women can have sex with a man they don't trust or love but I could not. I specifically stated several times throughout this thread that I didn't blame BS for the cheating. The reactions tell me some of them do feel some but cannot be honest about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Don't presume to know anything about me. My STBXH did not "stray". Rather, he picked up an insecure, morally reprehensible, desparate divorcee. He did this because he is selfish and was raised by parents who taught him that "a little on the side" was okay. He thought that, like his mother, I would just look the other way. He was wrong. My kids and I left him and we are doing okay. He, on the other hand, threw his AP under the bus and is now alone. You have been told the "real" story over and over. We BSs are decent people who married sh**ty people, who, in turn, screwed other sh**ty people. You just choose not to believe the truth. I do believe many BSs are great people who married jerks. Absolutely but there are many OWs are aren't ****ty people. Lets face it, every BS us not a saint. The road goes both ways. I simply choose not to oversimplify it. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 My husband was satisfied and wants to remain married. He was a cake eater in a different way than a cheater. He took care of himself while I took care of everything else, including our children. Of course he wants to stay married. Why get rid of the babysitter, maid, and the six figure salary? He's not stupid but none of that means he has any devotion to our marriage. Why get rid of the babysitter, maid, chauffeur, lawn care, oil change service, cook, tutor, accountant, nurse, cum receptacle (nix the six figure salary)? Mr. Messy was not stupid but none of that meant he was devoted to our marriage. Sounds like my life...what should I have done to ward off his cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 So what is wrong with you that you stayed in such a dissatisfying and dysfunctional marriage? And staying for the kids doesn't fly.......you modeled for them a bad marriage and that you were a doormat. I left when I could because I didn't want them to believe this was the way a marriage should be. I'm not a doormat by any stretch of the imagination. Link to post Share on other sites
buckeyeblue Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Bent - If you had only had a six figure salary.......... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Bent - If you had only had a six figure salary.......... If only...his azz would have been gone in during the single digit marriage years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Did you not say that he DID NOT have a girlfriend or mistress on the side. He was devoted. He keep to his vows even when his wife cut off sex in hope that he would find it elsewhere. It seems the common denominator for both WW/WH is that they cannot hack real life...kids, money issues, family issues, not getting what the want...instead they chose the fantasy of sex and talk without the everyday hassle. Okay I am done. By the way...I got pregnant while he was carrying on. And no my needs were NOT getting met. But I sure as the hell did not go looking for someone else. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I cut off sex long after I tried to salvage the marriage. It was the result of it failing. Maybe some women can have sex with a man they don't trust or love but I could not. I specifically stated several times throughout this thread that I didn't blame BS for the cheating. The reactions tell me some of them do feel some but cannot be honest about it. So your you gave your married other man the benefit of the doubt about his supposedly sexless marriage and awful wife who denied him sex. I would think, considering you denied your own husband sex because he was a jerk, you didn't see that if your MM wasn't getting it, that he too might be just as much a jerk as your husband. How easy for you to blame the betrayed spouse in your situation and not that cheating liar of a married man you fell for. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Why get rid of the babysitter, maid, chauffeur, lawn care, oil change service, cook, tutor, accountant, nurse, cum receptacle (nix the six figure salary)? Mr. Messy was not stupid but none of that meant he was devoted to our marriage. Sounds like my life...what should I have done to ward off his cheating? I'm not saying you could have prevented it. Again, I asked if any of the BSs on the board made a conscious decision to stop having sex and then were surprised when their spouse cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Bent - If you had only had a six figure salary.......... Little jealous? I'm not the idiotic, needy freak so many wives love to stereotype on here. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I'm not saying you could have prevented it. Again, I asked if any of the BSs on the board made a conscious decision to stop having sex and then were surprised when their spouse cheated. I'll say this applies to a small percentage of BSs. Lack of sex was not a factor in my wife's A, so I can't answer your original question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I'm not saying you could have prevented it. Again, I asked if any of the BSs on the board made a conscious decision to stop having sex and then were surprised when their spouse cheated. Let's say based on the things I posted in the link I provided caused me not to feel a connection (which I didn't) with Mr. Messy. What if I said I will no longer( which I didn't) have sex with you...would he have been justified? Should I have been surprised? So I shouldn't have trusted that he would tell me to leave so he could go have sex? I am trying to figure out what your rationale is? Is it because that is what you did? Did your husband cheat after you cut him off? I don't know your story. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Little jealous? I'm not the idiotic, needy freak so many wives love to stereotype on here. It wasn't directed at you. It was an inside joke with me. Link to post Share on other sites
buckeyeblue Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I'm not saying you could have prevented it. Again, I asked if any of the BSs on the board made a conscious decision to stop having sex and then were surprised when their spouse cheated. Go back and read your OP. ^^^reads nothing like your OP. You OP was clearly written to offend and now you are defensive because you were called out on it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Let's say based on the things I posted in the link I provided caused me not to feel a connection (which I didn't) with Mr. Messy. What if I said I will no longer( which I didn't) have sex with you...would he have been justified? Should I have been surprised? So I shouldn't have trusted that he would tell me to leave so he could go have sex? I am trying to figure out what your rationale is? Is it because that is what you did? Did your husband cheat after you cut him off? I don't know your story. And I did answer you OP. Again, I'm not trying to stir the pot but I've yet to read a post on this board of one spouse who wasn't surprised or who took any responsibility for their marriage at least being in trouble. Not saying that trouble justifies the affair but it certainly should remove your utter shock. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Let's say based on the things I posted in the link I provided caused me not to feel a connection (which I didn't) with Mr. Messy. What if I said I will no longer( which I didn't) have sex with you...would he have been justified? Should I have been surprised? So I shouldn't have trusted that he would tell me to leave so he could go have sex? I am trying to figure out what your rationale is? Is it because that is what you did? Did your husband cheat after you cut him off? I don't know your story. Not saying he would have been justified. Again, I'm simply asking if you would have been surprised. Cheating usually becomes the focal point when in reality there were problems before. Not all cases, but many. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OtherWoman1971 Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Go back and read your OP. ^^^reads nothing like your OP. You OP was clearly written to offend and now you are defensive because you were called out on it. Not one bit. I'm simply responding to your defensiveness. If you can't be honest about your marriage, that's your issue. Link to post Share on other sites
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