BetrayedH Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 An article I saw today (below). A few stats showing our propensity to stray, the impact of sexual dissatisfaction on infidelity (confirms the link), and the need for boundaries. Nothing inspirational but I noticed a claim about it being the largest survey of its kind. Sexual Fantasies: 'The Normal Bar' Finds Fantasy-Infidelity Link 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Good Afternoon All! May I add my experience to this thread? I was the OW for a while....Now I am the XOW.... My xmm was in a "decent" marriage. (His word). His W is Beautiful, great body, but a COLD woman.... he always told me she just doesn't do it for him. (She is a wonderful mother but a terrible wife).. Sex stopped for him a long time before I entered the pic. No intimacy whatsover between the two, but he said he made a committment to his children and he would never dishonor that. (I respect him for that)! and I enter......I gave him and taught him things about himself as a Man that she never could..I don't fault her at all, I fault him that he could not be honest with her and tell her what he wanted and needed as a Man. He did convey to me that he had tried for years to get her to be the woman that he needed but to no avail. He craved the "Intimacy" between a Man and A Woman...The passion that he needed to get out of bed in the morning for! Excitement, ego lifter, someone to listen to him, someone to tell him he is doing ok. I guess we all need that closeness with someone now and again. I do regret, that I was with a MM ( never to be in that situation again.) I always pushed him into date nights with his wife, therapy, or just a kitchen table conversation, if you are going to stay there then at least be somewhat happy and make her happy. She deserves her husband to love her like she should be loved. (It just doesn't work). His words... But he will not Divorce, will not hurt his children or his wife for that matter. He always thanked me for giving him what he needed at a low point in his life. I hoped I had helped him....He is way UP the corporate ladder and I helped him get there. People enter our lives for different reasons and at different times. I have not spoken to him in a very long time, no e-mails, no facebook no nothing...and I do hope that he has his marriage back on track! And please be gentle....I am not here bashing or trying to piss anyone off. Just trying to give my side of the story... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Lostinlife4now, I am sure there are lots of marriages where one or the other or both are unhappy and just don't talk about it - my only problem with the reading about other people's marriages is that very often the information is only being heard from one of the couple, usually the one that is stepping outside the marriage and keeping the stepping out a secret from the other. I have never understood why they cannot talk about how they are feeling to the other instead of spilling all to a thrid party. Not bashing or anything as everyone's views are valid and their own reality, but when there are three people involved and the truth is only really known by one, the one with a foot in both camps, I always have my doubts that all is as portrayed. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Seren..... So agree.... But....I had met his W a while back at a business function, and from being an "OLDER WOMAN"...cough cough cough, and been through some of the experiences in my life and with girlfriends who are still married to their husbands but not into them...I saw first hand how she was not into him either....Like they just didn't fit. I had an acquaintance ask me" What is he doing with her, they surely don't belong together. I didn't answer! (But they were married young and sometimes people grow differently and not together.... So yes there are three sides to every story, but I did see firsthand that they just didn't have too much between them in the intimacy department.. and being like "A married couple should be". They were on two different pages.... Oh well, water under the bridge. Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Seren..... So agree.... But....I had met his W a while back at a business function, and from being an "OLDER WOMAN"...cough cough cough, and been through some of the experiences in my life and with girlfriends who are still married to their husbands but not into them...I saw first hand how she was not into him either....Like they just didn't fit. I had an acquaintance ask me" What is he doing with her, they surely don't belong together. I didn't answer! (But they were married young and sometimes people grow differently and not together.... So yes there are three sides to every story, but I did see firsthand that they just didn't have too much between them in the intimacy department.. and being like "A married couple should be". They were on two different pages.... Oh well, water under the bridge. Gently, how was that firsthand knowledge of intimacy? You cannot tell how often a couple has sex by how they act in public. In general- I have witnessed that the people that give the biggest "shows" of affection in public are the people least likely to be okay at home. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Gently, how was that firsthand knowledge of intimacy? You cannot tell how often a couple has sex by how they act in public. In general- I have witnessed that the people that give the biggest "shows" of affection in public are the people least likely to be okay at home. Ya know Decorative...I don't know...it's just a gut feeling...when I see a married couple together I can usually tell if they are "Together or not".... Something to the aspect of chemistry or no chemistry. She looked like a child following her Daddy's lead....Does that make sense? Strange...I know.....and I have been usually correct in my assessment. No, they had no affection at all, and they are a handsome couple...both of them are very good looking, I know that looks have nothing to do with it but there was NO chemistry. Just no togetherness. I had stated to him on a few occasions "What a beautiful wife you have"...his response...don't let the pretty looks fool you, there is nothing on the inside...no substance. Ouch..... Hi FrozenSprouts...... I did try and therapy him (quite a number of times) and tell him to get a sitter and take her to dinner and a movie, they NEVER go out as a couple, and he said "NO" and of course I asked why not...I don't want to sit across a table in a intimate setting with someone I am not into at all. SAD....... His children are the most important thing to him in the world and he will not jepordize their happiness for his. But he did say, "I love her only because she is the mother of my children". So she is important...but not in a womanly or wife way. I feel sorry for them.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Wanted to add... As beautiful as his W is she wasn't feminine. She was more manly...Does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Wanted to add... As beautiful as his W is she wasn't feminine. She was more manly...Does that make sense? Yes. But never judge a book by the cover, you know? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 [quote No, they had no affection at all, and they are a handsome couple...both of them are very good looking, I know that looks have nothing to do with it but there was NO chemistry. Just no togetherness. I had stated to him on a few occasions "What a beautiful wife you have"...his response...don't let the pretty looks fool you, there is nothing on the inside...no substance. Ouch..... QUOTE] This is too funny! Alice is right. I love my wife with all my heart. I also respect her enough to never manhandle her in public. What we do in our bedroom is a whole other story. What is between us isn't something we need or want to put on some sort of show for the public. That is what teen-agers do. I make love to my wife in a bed, not a boardroom. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I don't know how often I need to write this but ok... I will write it again... Men would do many things to get laid... lying is one of the easy ones! He told his wife inside is empty... o poor little MM lets bang him right away to make him feel better... You see how easy is to operate for them? Truth is.... he marry her... something besides her looks had to be attractive for him right? and he still lives with her... so tell me my friend... who is naive? ME! (ten characters) Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 ME! (ten characters) Just had to give you a LOL for that one. I think it may be a stretch to say that you know he lacked intimacy at home because he said so (word of an established liar) or because you saw their vibe together but you definitely do seem to bring a different and refreshing perspective to the conversation. You don't take yourself too seriously. Please stick around. And that line was funny. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 (edited) Just had to give you a LOL for that one. I think it may be a stretch to say that you know he lacked intimacy at home because he said so (word of an established liar) or because you saw their vibe together but you definitely do seem to bring a different and refreshing perspective to the conversation. You don't take yourself too seriously. Please stick around. And that line was funny. Thanks BH.... It is what it is...... Chemistry..... Edited January 27, 2013 by Lostinlife4now Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 What did you want them to do? Start groping each other at this business function? You're really reaching. That wasn't a "gut feeling." That was merely you grasping on to any little thing you could to justify your affair. You have no idea what went on behind closed doors. Some couples don't need to put on a show for everyone. FYI....... This was mannnnnnnnnnny years before the affair... I am not reaching for anything.... I just call it like I see it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I just call it silly justifications to bang a MM... congratulations you have become a OW! I am sure is what every girl dreams to become in their infancy! You know what I always like when it comes to OM/OW... they are (mostly) used as much as the BS... the only big difference is that they know what is going on and the BS not... so when your MM goes home and have sex with his wife (ohh yeah... they still have sex... believe me!) the BS doesn't know what is going on... but the OM/OW are kind of cuckolds... they know their MM/MW is going home and probably will get laid... and still sit there waiting till he/she is coming back... pretty lame if you ask me... Congratulations to me.....I am the xOW!!!!! I hope his W was getting it as good as I was! Use me...Use him..... 2 way street!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 There is where you are wrong.... you will be always the Other woman... There is things the water does not clean! In your eyes....Not mine!!! All has been forgiven! I hope you are having a Wonderful Day! I am! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Journee Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) Congratulations to me.....I am the xOW!!!!! I hope his W was getting it as good as I was! Use me...Use him..... 2 way street!!! Ugh....That is really special... I guess a BS could be naive for trusting their spouse not to give it to someone else. However, I would rather had trusted (rightly so) and be considered naive than knowingly share a sex organ. I don't care how good it is. Statements like this have opened my eyes to the fact I was naive. I knew affairs happened. I knew cheating was an unfortunate possibility but until DDay and coming to LS, I never knew there were so many willing participants. So many men and women cut from the "if he/she doesn't care, why should I?" cloth. So yeah, I was naive in that aspect. Edited January 28, 2013 by Journee 11 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Ugh....That is really special... I guess a BS could be naive for trusting their spouse not to give it to someone else. However, I would rather had trusted (rightly so) and be considered naive than knowingly share a sex organ. I don't care how good it is. Statements like this have opened my eyes to the fact I was naive. I knew affairs happened. I knew cheating was an unfortunate possibility but until DDay and coming to LS, I never knew there were so many willing participants. So many men and women cut from the "if he/she doesn't care, why should I?" cloth. So yeah, I was naive in that aspect. I totally agree journee. LS used to shock me at first - the way affairs were so frequent and how so many people used to just take all the pain and lies and betrayal as normal. But I think I have gained a lot from here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 My simple point was, for me anyway, if I was having marital problems...No date nights, no sex, no intimacy, I would be worried about possible ramifications. Among them would be infidelity...I was just being honest. No, it wasn't a matter of you "just being honest". Someone who is doing that doesn't use smartass sarcasm to make their point. When someone does that, it isn't a matter of "just sayin'" Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 (edited) Good for you. Feel better? Sorry, you made a comment in an attempt to say that we have nothing to say in criticism of your situation unless we have been there, the situation of being in a sexless marriage, what have you. Was letting you know I was in your shoes and didn't do what you did. Sorry you didn't like it. Edited January 28, 2013 by nofool4u 4 Link to post Share on other sites
chucksagent Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Journee and Waterwoman - Welcome to the SHOCKED club. I too grew up in a moral household...I was VERY NAIVE to the real world and how horrible people were. I am in my 30's and an attorney and I STILL learn new stuff every day that my 24 year old cousin is like "Dude, how'd you not know that?" Take for instance Cocaine. I would see some SMOKING hot skinny blonde who would party and drink all night...be sleeping with some disgusting scum bag. And two things popped in as the problem solver I am...1) Why is SHE with HIM...and 2) How does she stay so skinny partying and drinking all the time? Simple answer...MOST times (not all) the guy has Cocaine (or other drugs) and the hot girls stay up later partying with the help from the cocaine which also keeps you skinny. I NEVER knew that until a few years ago. I come from a small area....where EVERYONE knows EVERYBODY. And I have seen some CRAZY affairs with people you would NEVER think....ages/races/positions of power, etc. CRAZY!!!!! It gives credence to the saying "Anything can happen." LostinLife4Now - I was in the EXACT situation with my ex fiancee. She was a COLD and HORRIBLE woman, and I am a fun loving, people person. We were opposites...but she was beautiful and intelligent so she stimulated my body and my mind for a while. But LUCKILY for me I was smart enough to realize before we got married that inspite of her EPIC body and GREAT mind, she had no heart to speak of. Would I really want to buy a house, have a child, share a life with a person like this??? I think life comes down to making the HARD and DIFFICULT decisions. If you choose to take the easy way or our make the dumb decision, I think you open yourself up to bad stuff MORE OFTEN than people who just so happen to have bad luck (i.e. great relationship and great life but the person just cheats out of evil selfishness). I'm not saying making ALL the best choices removes you from risk of infidelity or unhappiness, but it's like poker...Gotta play your hand the BEST possible way, and give yourself the BEST chance to win. It sounds to me, like this guy you had an affair with, KNOWINGLY married the girl that I cut off my engagement with. A lot of people like to throw that girlfriend in my face and then say "you're LUCKY you cut it off with her." And I always want to say back, "there was no LUCK about it...it was hard, I miss the sex, I miss her mentally challenging me, but at the end of the day, she was a terrible human being and it was the RIGHT and the SMART call. No luck involved." Usually people who claim LUCK is such a huge part of life's success, don't have much success. Lol. 95% of my cousins (and my siblings), who were all raised by the SAME family as me, all claim I'm soooooooooooooo lucky. That's what they always say. But really, I just have a better capacity to make tough choices and smart choices than they do. They let fear control them. They let complacency control them. They make decisions based on emotion and hope instead of intellect and reality. Finally...even when things were HORRIBLE with my ex fiancee...She went on a "sex-strike" for MONTHS...I never once even entertained cheating. Because you know what LostinLife...That stuff is on ME. If I cheated, I would have to live with that...I would have to allow my honor to be drug through the mud...Why? Because some Beeotch won't sleep with me? Because I am going to allow my manly urges to overtake what I know to be wrong?!? Nay...I broke it off with her...I allowed myself to heal like an advanced version of my fellow species...I didn't take a lover for the better part of a year...wouldn't have been fair to that person. Once again, good decision making...discipline...intelligence. The next girl I dated after about a year was the most amazing person I have ever known and is now my wife. We are (and were before we had even 1 intimate moment) best friends still to this day. So when people cheat and then try to blame it on ANY excuse (lack of sex, lack of happiness, etc.) they should really just look in the mirror and say "I make bad decisions, I am still making bad decisions, I need to work harder on me and worry less about getting my happiness from sleeping with women/men." It's a harsh truth, but it's the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Congratulations to me.....I am the xOW!!!!! I hope his W was getting it as good as I was! Use me...Use him..... 2 way street!!! What is your purpose in this thread? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Sick and twisted? I had no intimacy in my marriage yet you expected me to have sex with him? I don't think so. No, we expected you to get a divorce and not get in bed with someone elses husband. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Trinfire Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 OM was very upset when my wife told him we had sex semi- regularly. She explained that I was her husband, not having sex would have been unfeasible. Link to post Share on other sites
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