Affraid of Commitment, what to do?

[crystal]

I've dated a wonderful man for 2 1/2 years. We have a wonderful relationship. His ex-wife left him cold turkey. No kids.

 

I met him about 6 months after his divorce. The first year of the relatioship was very very slow. He had a lot of walls up. The second year has been wonderful. He does a lot of getting close then backing away.

 

We went on a wonderful vacation which was his idea, about 7 weeks ago. We had a fabulous time and got very close. When we got back he started distancing himself. He constantly says how wonderful the vacation was and tells his friends how good it was.

 

HOwever, we are spending less time than before the vacation. He says he is affraid of commitment and that because of that our relationship is at a standstill. In order to figure it out he says he is going to work on it. He wants to still see me, just slightly less so he can find out what he wants. I suggested counseling. He says he knows he needs it, but needs to get mentally ready to go, because in his family counseling was for weak people.

 

I find that I thought our relatiohsip was moving forward. Now I am terribly confused. We still see eachother. We have been talking about us, more and more often and I just don't know how do you find out where the relatiohsip is going? How does he find out if he wants me in his life or not?

 

I read a book that said a small break in the relationship will probably sort him out in one direction of the other. However I don't know if that is a good idea, since he was "abandonged" by the ex. I don't want him to think I am also abandoning him.

 

I am very confused. Should we work it out slowly?

 

How will he know that he wants me in his life?

 

I have become very confused. But I do know that I love him.

 

Thank you all for your advice/

[Tony T]

You need to go very slowly and carefully here. You met him at a very bad time.

 

When you met him he was only six months out of a marriage and still hurting and in the healing process. The relationship he started with you may have made him feel better short term but it still impededed and retarded the healing process. Yes, it was wonderful. Every man dreams of having a lady swoop down on him when he is in pain and lift his spirits high. But this does nothing to relieve the root cause of the pain deep within.

 

Relationships like this are commonly classified and healing or transitional relationships. I wouldn't necessarily call it a rebound because it started six months after his divorce but certainly too soon for his own good.

 

The way these things play out, once a person is in a different state of mind and his or her heart has essentially healed from the wounds of a broken love, they tend to see the world differently. If they are in a relationship that has been going on for a while, they see that relationship a bit differently too.

 

This is going to be a really tough one. I am sure he cares about you in his own way. He may not understand the confusion he is in right now.

 

But, very simply explained, the feelings he had for you initially and the need he had for you initially are not there now because his mind is now in a different place. His heart is more together, more healed. He is a different person now than he was before.

 

Yes, some of this may be due to a fear of committment but much more probably has to do with his realization that he needs to look around, see what's out there, and be super sure this time. Divorce is extremely painful and life disruptive and he doesn't want to go through that again.

 

With this in mind, if you really love him and love yourself as well, you need to give him as much time and space as necessary for him to determine who and what is best for his life from this point on. You should not want to be with someone who is not absolutely sure he wants to be with you.

 

If you think you have become confused, triple that for him.

 

Talk to him, let him know you understand what he's going through, and let him know you are going to give him all the space he needs. Don't pressure him at all.

 

And during this time, it wouldn't be a bad idea to find a nice circle of friends to spend some time wtih.

[Crystal]

You need to go very slowly and carefully here. You met him at a very bad time. When you met him he was only six months out of a marriage and still hurting and in the healing process. The relationship he started with you may have made him feel better short term but it still impededed and retarded the healing process. Yes, it was wonderful. Every man dreams of having a lady swoop down on him when he is in pain and lift his spirits high. But this does nothing to relieve the root cause of the pain deep within.

 

Relationships like this are commonly classified and healing or transitional relationships. I wouldn't necessarily call it a rebound because it started six months after his divorce but certainly too soon for his own good. The way these things play out, once a person is in a different state of mind and his or her heart has essentially healed from the wounds of a broken love, they tend to see the world differently. If they are in a relationship that has been going on for a while, they see that relationship a bit differently too. This is going to be a really tough one. I am sure he cares about you in his own way. He may not understand the confusion he is in right now. But, very simply explained, the feelings he had for you initially and the need he had for you initially are not there now because his mind is now in a different place. His heart is more together, more healed. He is a different person now than he was before. Yes, some of this may be due to a fear of committment but much more probably has to do with his realization that he needs to look around, see what's out there, and be super sure this time. Divorce is extremely painful and life disruptive and he doesn't want to go through that again.

 

With this in mind, if you really love him and love yourself as well, you need to give him as much time and space as necessary for him to determine who and what is best for his life from this point on. You should not want to be with someone who is not absolutely sure he wants to be with you. If you think you have become confused, triple that for him. Talk to him, let him know you understand what he's going through, and let him know you are going to give him all the space he needs. Don't pressure him at all. And during this time, it wouldn't be a bad idea to find a nice circle of friends to spend some time wtih.

So, What do you think about us taking a break? A book I read said that if this relationship is meant to be, that he will miss me and it will clarify his feelings for me.

 

He has said that he isn't interested in dating other people. However, maybe if we take a break he would want to. Do you think just giving him more space is good or a break?

 

How do I deal with my own confusion? I have a counseling appointment on Tuesday, and would like to know what questions to ask the counseler. I feel like I need tools to help me through this.

 

Also, should I insist on counseling for him? Or us together?

[Tony T]

You don't want him coming back to you because he misses you. You want him to come back because he loves you, cares about you and wants to have a life with you.

 

He needs time alone to fully heal from past wounds. Once that happens, he will be in a better position to chart his course for the future.

 

I see no reason for him to rush into counselling, although counselling would not hurt. He just needs time that anybody would need to sort things out.

 

You may need counselling to deal with your hurt. However, both of you need to share responsiblity for this mess. The very first rule in dating is NOT to start a relationship with someone who has not healed from a previous love, regardless of how strong the attraction is. There are just too many other available people to date.

 

You deal with your own confusion by sitting down, taking some deep breaths, relaxing and facing the reality of what has happened here. Anything short of that will be meaningless. I know it hurts for you but this is just the way it is.

 

When you meet with the counsellor, just tell him/her how this all started and what's happening with the both of you now. Describe your feelings to him/her and go from there. There is no easy way out of hurt but time does heal. And NO, you should not go together with him. His problems are his and totally different from yours. He is facing entirely different issues than you are. Let him get his own counsellor if he must.

 

The more time and space you give this guy, the better the odds are he will want to be back with you. If you put any kind of pressure on him whatsoever, he will resent it.

 

You need to really step away from this. I'm afraid you aren't seeing this clearly at all. I have written both my posts and plainly as I can. Read them through slowly a few times and maybe you will see things more clearly. Repeat...this is not a problem with the relationship...this is a problem he has with past unresolved issues and a problem you have with how his handling of those issues is affecting his relationship with you.

[Deejette]

I don't think you want to take a temporary break, just drop into the backgroun for a while. He will come around. This "rubber band" kind of behavior on his part is not that extraordinary. According to John Gray, men are like rubber bands, they go into the closeness phase and then back off.

 

The closeness they feel scares them a little so they retreat. Then they miss their loved one and spring back. But if the loved one is hovering around all worried and messed up, they might not spring back as fast. So, if you believe this theory, then you can be assured that he will come around. You just need patience and let it take its course.

You don't want him coming back to you because he misses you. You want him to come back because he loves you, cares about you and wants to have a life with you. He needs time alone to fully heal from past wounds. Once that happens, he will be in a better position to chart his course for the future. I see no reason for him to rush into counselling, although counselling would not hurt. He just needs time that anybody would need to sort things out.

 

You may need counselling to deal with your hurt. However, both of you need to share responsiblity for this mess. The very first rule in dating is NOT to start a relationship with someone who has not healed from a previous love, regardless of how strong the attraction is. There are just too many other available people to date. You deal with your own confusion by sitting down, taking some deep breaths, relaxing and facing the reality of what has happened here. Anything short of that will be meaningless. I know it hurts for you but this is just the way it is. When you meet with the counsellor, just tell him/her how this all started and what's happening with the both of you now. Describe your feelings to him/her and go from there. There is no easy way out of hurt but time does heal. And NO, you should not go together with him. His problems are his and totally different from yours. He is facing entirely different issues than you are. Let him get his own counsellor if he must. The more time and space you give this guy, the better the odds are he will want to be back with you. If you put any kind of pressure on him whatsoever, he will resent it. You need to really step away from this. I'm afraid you aren't seeing this clearly at all. I have written both my posts and plainly as I can. Read them through slowly a few times and maybe you will see things more clearly. Repeat...this is not a problem with the relationship...this is a problem he has with past unresolved issues and a problem you have with how his handling of those issues is affecting his relationship with you.