Have I done the right thing??

[RegretItNow]

Me and my ex broke up almost 2 weeks ago. I ended it because I thought I had fallen out of love with her (this is the main reason I gave her for the breakup) but now I’m not so sure that is true.

 

Thing is, our 2 year relationship was the longest I’ve ever been with someone and I’m worried that I maybe panicked and did something rash rather than working to sort things out. I was feeling restless, my eye was wandering (not that I ever acted on it), I even avoided going round to see her on a couple of occasions. I think we were getting into a bit of a rut.

 

Initially I was ok with the situation, but then we met again as she said she had things she wanted to ask/say. She basically told me she felt as if her heart had been ripped out, but she was still in love with me and that she had hoped that we would have a future together. I stuck to my original decision (although I just wanted to gather her in my arms and tell her everything was going to be okay).

 

I now realise that we had a communication problem and its possible that if we sorted that out, then maybe we could salvage our relationship, but now I don’t want to push things as we agreed on as little contact as possible until we were ready to talk openly again.

 

Just to up the complicated stakes a little:

 

1. She happens to be my boss who I still have to work with (leaving our job isn’t really an option for either of us).

2. She's from an Indian Hindu family, while I am white. This means I haven't met her family and nor am I likely to until we get engaged.

 

She seems to be going out and having fun with a lot of our mutual friends, while I (due to lack of money and feeling awkward about seeing her) have been sitting in my flat wondering whether I’ve done the right thing. I can’t help imagining her with other men. I know its silly to torment myself (and to assume that she’s at a stage where she might want to) but I can’t help it. I feel so empty and miserable without her (although I’m trying not to show this to her).

 

What should I do? I don’t want to get back together with her and end up breaking her heart again, (The guilt was intense enough last time), but a part of me says that I won’t be happy until I’m back with her.

[TommyGirl]

Were you ever in love with her?

[RegretItNow]

At the time (about 2 months into our relationship) I completely fell for her. Everything seemed perfect, we just clicked in a way I'd never experienced. Believe me, I've asked myself the same question countless times recently, trying to make sense of what changed between us, and I've always come up with yes.

 

It seemed too deep and intense to be just lust or infatuation. I miss her like crazy.

[Blah Toolz]

Think about what you really want. Do you want to be back together with her in a relationship... or do you feel like you want to try and meet new people? Think carefully... decide one way or the other. There is no half way point. You seem to genuinely miss her, so maybe it would be best to try and reconcile with her.

[RegretItNow]

I hear you Blah Toolz, but making decisions like that is extra hard when I'm faced with her almost every day. My emotions are all over the place at the moment. I can't tell if I'm still properly in love with her, or if I'm just missing the relationship itself, you know what I mean? I HAVE to know either way before doing anything. I couldn't put her, or me, through all this again (and then some!) only to know I've made a terrible mistake in a few months time.

 

Its all so complicated, what with work etc. Why can't I choose the easy way, just for once?

[RegretItNow]

When I wrote my previous post last night I felt clearer headed, more able to be objective about what decision to make. I thought long and hard about our relationship last night and realised just how intense and passionate it was, but maybe it was missing that long-lasting deeper feeling.

 

I woke up this morning and I'm totally confused again!

 

Does anyone think its possible that love can burn so intensely and brightly that its destined only to last for a short time? Or maybe we were just moving to a different, less intense but deeper stage in our relationship and I interpreted that as 'falling out of love'?

 

I'd be very grateful for any opinioins, I woke up this morning feeling absolutely miserable, I need to make sense of this.

[pixie2004]

I'd say leave her. You knew from the beginning that we were not supposed to have a relationship with your BOSS. And why only meet the parents when you get engaged? I think there is way to many issues to solve.

[RegretItNow]

Thanks for replying pixie.

 

Maybe I need to clarify a couple of things:

 

1. The meeting her parents thing isn't something as simple as me not wanting to or her being ashamed of me (thats what she says and I believe her). Its more a religious point. Her mum is quite religious and would assume that we would be engaged if we were seeing each other that seriously. Living in sin would be a definite no-no for this lady. Unfortunately my ex's father passed away when she was young. She tells me this situation would be different if he were still around.

 

2. We've always been aware that we can't let our relationship interfere with work. Pretty much everyone at the company knows about us and is fine with the relationship. We both went into seriously seeing each other aware of the work situation and have strived really hard to do the right thing. I think we came through this potential problem and thats part of the reason why I think we could be strong enough for our relationship to survive.

 

Those 2 things being said, I appreciate what you're saying, we didn't meet under ideal circumstances and it is quite a complicated situation.

[pixie2004]

Me again. (don't you just luuuuuvvvv the bunny!!!)

 

 

After reading your reply - I realised you are one hell of a guy! No wonder she wants you back. You are grown up and one can see that you are an intelligent person!

 

But still, I think that what you are feeling is guilt and lonely. You don't really miss her, you miss the thought off having someone. You should be going out with your friends and meeting new people. After 2 weeks of being single and introducing you to all the lovely ladies out there - I bet you won't think of going back to her.

 

Stop feeling guilty - people fell in love and out of love every day!

 

Obviously you would change your mind now - but you did say that you don't love her anymore that's why you broke up with her. Because of guilt and because you don't have fun and you feel empty (you've had a companion for +2 years - what do you think!)

you want to go back to her.

 

Take a break - at least another 2 weeks - do everything single people do and then decide if you really want to go back. I still think complications are something in life you don't need - i take the straight and narrow path - so much easier to walk and so much simplier.

 

Best of luck!

[NatoPMT]

Hi RegretItNow

 

You don’t have any distance to allow yourself to get to the bottom of how you feel. You see her every day and you have strong feelings for her, sometimes you need a bit of distance to clarify your thoughts. Can you take a week off work to think things through? If you aren’t sharing your thoughts with her, talk it through with a non-work friend -don’t keep this inside because you go round and round in circles without externalising the issues, they can get twisted and stuck. When I have been faced with situations where I don’t know from one second to the next what my opinion is, I start writing and don’t stop until I have nothing left to say, and by the end of it, I usually have a more definitive state of mind. Helps organise my thoughts.

 

I’d take action pretty quickly, if you decide to try again, your ex may not want you anymore if you dither over this much longer – then you’ll have learned an even more painful lesson. My ex said quite a few things you are saying when he said he’d made a mistake, but by then id been through so much and come through the other side - I couldn’t have ever taken him back. Get yourself together, and quickly, then if you decide to attempt reconciliation, remember she may have changed her feelings towards you and you have a lot of ground to make up to attempt to repair some of the damage.

 

BB

[RegretItNow]

Thanks Pixie and BigBelm (and others), your comments have really helped me to go away and think about things, i.e what I REALLY want. Maybe my judgement is being clouded by my feelings of loss, guilt and loneliness, but then again (like you mention BigBelm) I don't want to leave it too long or there might be no way back.

 

I think that if I sit on it for another week or so I'll have a much better idea of what's the best way to go. I'd love to discuss it with her, but I don't want to give her what could be false hope about our chances of reconciliation (assuming she still feels the same way about me). I still miss her madly.

 

Thanks again guys.

 

X

 

BTW yeah the bunny's pretty cool''

 

but what the hell does it mean??

[NatoPMT]

Its a pleasure - i hope you make the right decision. If i were you id keep typing on how you feel, there's always people ready to comment & add perspective and its better expressed than confused.

 

let us know what happens

 

BB (not BigBunny)

[sadgrrl]

good point, I don't know what the bunny means and I'm always looking for an excuse to put him in. Maybe what we've all learned is we don't need an excuse! I love what he does with his ears!!

[Cupcake]

Sounds like you really love her. That's beautiful. You should really take yourself more seriously. I mean, are you good at making commitments? Have you ever committed to anyone or anything in the past?

 

Fear is natural when we face unfamiliar situations. Sometimes, I think, we get used to bad feelings, that we fail to recognize and trust the good feelings. If you really love her, don't let that fear get the best of you. Love is all about trust. And we have to trust ourselves before we can trust anyone else.

 

You might want to consider changing to work situation too. Working together and being in love at the same time puts a strain on any relationship.

[RegretItNow]

Unfortunately we're both kind of bound to our workplace by our situations. My ex has recently bought a flat and is tied to her mortgage, while my job is notoriously hard to get, especially considering the present state of the industry we work in. Believe me, as soon as a suitable opportunity arises I'll be leaving my workplace, whether my ex and I are together or not.

 

Cupcake,

 

To answer your question, no, I don't think I am particularly good at commitments. As I said, this is by far and away the longest relationship I've ever been in (previous best was 2 months I think), and at 25 yrs old thats a pretty poor record compared to quite a few people I know.

 

I guess I'm a bit of a late developer and as such part of my restlessness revolved around not feeling like I'd 'played the field' (I hate that phrase) and was curious about what else is out there. I know, I know, grass is always greener and all that, but I just CANNOT risk going back to my ex still feeling like that. At the same time I'm scared of losing someone really special to me for the sake of meeting other women I might not ever feel the same way for. Also, there's a part of me that says maybe its best to leave it as a short(ish), very intense relationship that ended as vividly as it began.

 

I just re-read the last paragraph, and I think this very accurately describes my mental state at the moment: confused, scared (both of commitment or 'missing out').

 

Am I immature to think this way? Am I taking too much for granted what i have (possibly HAD) with my ex?

[RegretItNow]

In fact, upon reflection, I'm terrible at commitments and decisions.

 

The only things I've ever committed myself to are my work, my degree, that sort of stuff. I find it hard deciding what to have on a restaurant menu.

[NatoPMT]

The huge irony with CP is that you can’t commit to being with someone, but you cant commit to being without them forever either – which is your position right now. I don’t know how old you are, but I believe most people go through a CP stage, it may be that people going through it cant commit to that one person, or relationships as a concept. If you are still young, you may just be being realistic in understanding you aren’t yet ready for a long-term thing. So, you may be just passing through the fear of commitment stage because you have a ‘right’ to be scared of it due to you still growing and learning.

 

I agree with Cupcake’s ‘And we have to trust ourselves before we can trust anyone else.’ – you have to be able to trust that you are making the right decision – maybe you haven’t yet learned this. Trust your feelings and if you are in love with this girl, trust yourself to have fallen in love with someone worthy of your love. Even if there is someone ‘better’ round the next corner (no matter who you are with or how old you are, there will ALWAYS be the ‘better’ person somewhere – but the Cameron Diaz’s of this world don’t usually fall for McDonalds staff). And if you DO make the wrong decision, so what? We all make mistakes, where is the point in avoiding making any decisions lest you make the wrong one? Obviously, you don’t have to be reckless, and I used to let people make decisions for me and go with the flow to avoid having to make my mind up. Developing our life and moving forward, making decisions and making mistakes is how we grow and learn and become the person we want to be, don’t get trapped in a limbo of indecision for fear of making the wrong decision. There’s that irony again.

 

BB

[RegretItNow]

Thanks BB, what you're saying does make a lot of sense. What's very important to me however is that I don't make the decision to be with my ex, then discover its the wrong one and cause her any more pain. I think for us to get back together now it would mean me saying that I am ready to commit myself to her forever. What if after a period of time I find that I just can't honour that commitment?

 

Maybe I'm just not ready for commitment as a concept, as you say (I'm 25 BTW).

 

Recently I've been mucking around with compatibility tests, astrology and all that stuff, trying to make sense of whether we're long-term compatible, whether I truly love her etc.

 

I've come to the conclusion that all that stuff is a load of rubbish, but its telling that I'm resorting to these measures to work out my true feelings for my ex rather than being able to come to a conclusion on my own.

 

Maybe its time to break the no-contact and try to talk to her about this stuff.

[NatoPMT]

Oof. I am going through this exact same discussion with my flatmate at the moment. He’s broken things off with a lovely girl who he adores, finds attractive and has a great time with, just in case it doesn’t work out – he’s tried his hardest to find excuses to finish things, stuff that just wouldn’t matter if wasn’t wildly looking around for an escape route. But at the same time he keeps breaking it off and getting back with her as he cant imagine life without her, and now he’s so ashamed of the way they broke up last time he wants to get back together with her to make it up to her.

 

This isn’t very helpful but I want to bang your heads together.

 

As a result, I’ve been looking up ‘commitment phobia’ and ‘fear of commitment’ on the tinterweb and one of the classic reasons for fearing commitment I have read is ‘what if I am a bad partner, what if I hurt her/him?’. And another is not being able to imagine being able to meet someone else, another is no concept of the meaning of ‘forever’. Well, why on earth do you need to suddenly say that ‘this is forever?’ Has she said that’s the only condition that she’ll get back with you under?

 

'Maybe I'm just not ready for commitment as a concept’ – do you need to be?

 

Can’t you continue to date, working towards deciding if you want ‘forever’? Letting things take their natural course? 25 for some isn’t too young to make that decision, for some it is. Whatever your age, what guarantees do you EVER get? You aren’t trapped, if you say to your ex, ok lets try again, that’s not suddenly being trapped for the rest of your life, you can walk away at ANY TIME. What is crazy-talk in my opinion, is saying ‘I cant be with you, much as I think you are great because I don’t know if I will be with you in 15 months/years time’. I understand your ex is hurting right now and your guilt in being a cause of that will be huge, but you may have forced an unnecessary conclusion, and forcing anything relationship-wise always works out for the worst. I understand it may have been necessary for you to do to get to the next stage of wherever you may be going, but has she pressured you for some sort of commitment you don’t want? If she has, you aren’t ready for it and you have quite rightly been spooked like a nervous filly, but if she hasn’t, give the girl some credit!!! Its in your head not hers.

 

What makes you say if you get back with her you have to make it forever?

 

 

BB

[RegretItNow]

She hasn't applied direct pressure, but maybe I've applied pressure on myself. What with the situation with her family, her hinting we could move in together, plus I know that she wants all those things.....with me. Thats a scary prospect for me. She's also 2 years older than me and I think the time for her to do these things is getting close for her.

 

If I get back with her I think (I don't know this as fact) she would take this as an indicator that I wanted all those things. . What if I decide I don't want those things with her 2 or 3 years down the line? Then I will have wasted her time and denied her what she wants, as well as breaking her heart again. That's not fair.

 

This is why I think we need to talk about this stuff so that we both know *exactly* each other's thoughts on these things.

 

 

But yes, a large part of why I broke up with her was that I didn't know if she was someone I could see myself married to with kids in 6 or 7 years time.

[NatoPMT]

Ok RegretItNow, I hear you. You are confused and the only things that will help are time and communication. I feel that you have come to these conclusions alone and I agree the best thing to do is to talk to her and find out what her expectations are of you. Then you can make a more informed decision, and as I said before, be prepared for the fact she may not want you anymore now anyway.

 

You have bolted because the signs are that she wants something you aren’t able to give her. Think about whether its her or the concept of a relationship that’s caused you to run – you mentioned before you werent 100% with the concept of a relationship. This could mean that either you just aren’t ready and you’ll naturally get there in your own time (which I imagine is the case), or that you are stuck in CP unnecessarily – only you can decide that. If you decide its not going to work, think things through and try to make sure you don’t get stuck in this unfulfilling state for relationships to come.

 

‘she would take this as an indicator that I wanted all those things.’ – only she can tell you that – don’t assume anything

 

‘What if I decide I don't want those things with her 2 or 3 years down the line?’ You don’t know what will happen, you may or may not end up right where you don’t want to be. No its not fair if that happens, and I think it would be selfish of you to go back to her knowing you KNOW its not forever as you plainly realise. However, if you feel there’s a chance it could develop into forever, where of course you don’t KNOW what’s going to happen or how you will feel, then as long as you communicate this to her, she can make the decision to be with you or not herself.

 

Will check in tomorrow (football is calling) – have a good think poppet.

 

BB

[RegretItNow]

Well, I've done it.

 

My ex emailed me today and we exchanged a few replies. We're going to meet at the weekend to talk hopefully. I immediately feel better, like a bit of a weight has been lifted. She was worried about what the purpose of our meeting was and I (truthfully) explained that it was to clear up the circumstances under which we broke up.

 

I think this will be a major step in my moving forward from the intense feelings of guilt that I've been experiencing about the suddenness of our breakup and my lack of communication about why I was feeling the way I was. I think its the guilt that has been clouding my head and not allowing me to make a real judgement about whether i truly love this girl or not, both just before the breakup (guilty about not being able to share my feelings and doubts about the relationship) and after the breakup (guilt at hurting her so badly).

 

I think I chose to breakup up with her because I thought it would be best all round, a quick clean break with no time to descend into needless arguments or bad feeling. I now realise that by doing it this way (and by not communicating properly beforehand) I actually removed her right to correct my possibly innaccurate assumptions and therefore possibly save what could be a healthy relationship.

 

I think I also broke with her so suddenly because I was still too scared to tell her my true feelings about how our relationship was progressing and it was an 'easy way out' for me. Of course i now know that that view is total c**p, for both of us. Actually it was the selfish, cowardly way out and subconciously I think I was aware of this - hence my crippling guilt after I did it.

 

I plan to tell her that I'm sorry that I didn't trust and confide in her like I should have done, like I used to before things got more complicated and how I'll never make that mistake with anyone special to me ever again.

 

I'll tell her how I don't feel I can commit to her so heavily right now, how I can't be sure whether we will ever get engaged, or live together, or where we will be in another 2 years time. Because the truth is I don't think I can at the moment. Maybe in a year I'll feel differently, maybe even in 6 months, but right now I'm not at a place in my life where i can do that, with anyone, not just her.

 

I'll tell her all the things that made me uneasy in our relationship and maybe we'll find a way to work them out, maybe not, but at least then everything will be clear, out in the open and available for discussion and she'll know where we stand.

 

Hopefully we'll be able to now discuss everything that we should have discussed then, albeit under very different circumstances, which could well result in her deciding I'm not the man for her, but at least she now has that opportunity.

 

The only potential problem could be if she asks me if I still love her. Because I still don't know for certain. I like the idea of being in love with her. I know I want to be with her at this moment in time, but could that be me still just missing the relationship? I'm unsure how to approach this. Thing is, I don't think i'll truly know until after this meeting, after I've got rid of the burden of some of this guilt. Should I tell her that when I said I didn't love her anymore, what I actually meant was 'I'm not sure'?? That I need more time to work it out? Surely that won't go down too well. Will my indecisiveness work against me? Most probably.

 

Sorry for such a long post, but I needed to get everything out. If any of this sounds like a monumentally stupid idea then please say before I cause more damage.

[sarah12]

You sound like someone I know so I will give you my brief perspective.

 

Thing is, I don't think i'll truly know until after this meeting, after I've got rid of the burden of some of this guilt. Should I tell her that when I said I didn't love her anymore, what I actually meant was 'I'm not sure'?? That I need more time to work it out? Surely that won't go down too well. Will my indecisiveness work against me? Most probably.

I think it's best to be completely honest with her. I could never understand why people can't be honest with their SO's that they've been with for such a long time. Maybe I was harsh when I broke up with my ex, but I was honest with how I felt that our relationship was not going anywhere.

 

The thing is, if you don't tell her how you truly feel, and instead tell her that you do in fact love her, she will hold that against you for some time to come. And that will confuse you even more, and will hurt her even more when she finds out you have been dishonest. And she WILL find out because when you love somebody, it shows in your actions and your words..and if you can't show it right now..she will wonder.."if he loves me, why is he doing this to me?"

 

Also, you can be sure that your indecisiveness will work against you in some way or another. I don't blame you for sitting on the fence here, but be prepared for what's to come. It's not going to be easy sorting out your thoughts and your feelings, and seeing her everyday at work isn't going to help either. Personally i feel that if you have ever had doubts about your love for someone, then it probably has been fading for some time..and your feelings of wanting to just hold her again and tell her everything will be okay, stems from guilt and feelings of loneliness and wanting companionship again.

 

You've got to be in complete control of yourself here and lay down the rules for yourself, and let her know that you need your space to figure things out.

 

Good luck...

[NatoPMT]

Hi RegretItNow

 

I’m glad you have realised the possibility that guilt may be the real reason for your regrets rather than your break up being the wrong thing, it gives you the opportunity to either move on as you should, or rectify a genuine mistake. I’m glad you are giving your ex the chance to speak for herself too, which seems to have been missed out of the equation to a certain extent.

 

You’ve made massive progress in getting to the bottom of your feelings and what’s caused your actions. I’m glad you realise your feelings might change too – most girls wouldn’t want to take the risk of being with someone who doesn’t ‘know’, but at least she’s got the chance to say if she wants to be or not. She may feel she deserves someone 100%, I have seen a lot of people saying they refuse to settle for anything less than what they feel they deserve. I see some similarities between you and my own bf, and I am prepared to wait for him so maybe your ex will be too. I’m now just deciding if I even want to push for anything – I don’t think I do anymore, and the more relaxed I get, the more confident he feels in our relationship and the more he’s relaxing with me. He’s not as extreme as you or my flatmate though, but that might be because I am not pushing him, if I did, maybe he would be saying exactly the same as you are. I’ve found in his case, if I push, he pulls, if I don’t push, he gets closer to me of his own accord – when I wondered about my own CP tendancies the look of panic on his face was quite touching as he tried to persuade me I am not. Maybe the hints of moving in were enough to trigger these feelings in you.

 

I think you should recognise that you DO want to be with her at this time. Whatever the reason for it, the outcome is still the same. The reason for you ending up in this situation is in part because you are looking for reasons, looking to analyse everything, just relax a bit and enjoy it for what it is, as long as she’s cool with that too. Just be honest and open from now on, don’t hold things back, and then you will discover in time truly if she’s the one for you from how you both deal with that. When you worry about causing more damage, you have to remember you are also damaging yourself by not being honest. You are withdrawing into a guilt ridden capsule for fear of hurting someone else, when you are hurting her more by finishing things abruptly with no communication.

 

Your indecisiveness may work against you yes, but if that’s who you are & how you feel, then that’s what you have to explain. If she’s right for you, you’ll get through it. You can work towards compromise and middle ground in the future, for now if she wants something you cant give her, you may have to both walk away and now she can tell you what she wants from you.

 

BB