I Want To Cheat, But Haven't Yet!!!

[lagirl]

HERE'S MY PROBLEM, i am a married women, i have been for about 3 years and we lived together sometime before that. i have a friend that i have know for since i was a teenage girl, i loved him the first time i saw him. over the years for on reason or another we couldn't or didn't exclusively date, but for most of that time i was always the OW. now he's married, we never lost contact with each other and we would occasionally see each other, strictly no sex, maybe holding hands or A KISS.

 

recently, it went further than that, still no sex, but definitely more physical. I love my husband, but i adore him. my problem is this. when i was a teenager, being the OW was extremely damaging but acceptable. i can remember feeling devastated when he was with his girlfriend, but when we were together, there was no place i would rather be. i was obsessed. now i'm older, he's still prince charming, but i would like to believe that i'm too old for fairy tales anymore. i can't stop myself from adoring this man. i miss him constantly, every intelligent cell in my body know's it can't go anywhere. what do i do? he's told me he loves me, he even told me he always did. i want to believe him, i want it to go much further and i crave him physically like a drug. i don't want to leave my husband, everything with us isn't great but we have kids and it works(that's my situation). he's completely willing to cheat on his wife and i don't know what his situation is. he's never spoken badly of her, he's never said he doesn't love her and he seems to be very happily married.

 

i want to do things to this man that would be illegal in 48 states, he's the only man i've ever felt that way about. i don't however, want to lose my husband, we have kids etc... blah, blah, blah. I'm REALLY CONFUSED..... CAN YOU TRULY LOVE TWO PEOPLE? IF HE TRULY LOVES ME, WHY AREN'T I HIS WIFE? IF WE MADE LOVE, WILL IT BE A SNOWBALL EFFECT, WITH EVERYTHING GOING DOWNHILL. HONEST OPINION, PLEASE HELP!!!!!!![color=black][/color]

[whichwayisup]

Be really careful and really think about what you are about to do. Consquences. BIG TIME.

 

I am not judging you at all, I don't do that to anyone here...Just so you know.

 

I think it's possible to be in love with one person and then develope that new 'crush intense sexual' feelings for someone else. SO take that sexual energy you feel for this guy and put it into your sex life with your husband.

 

If you didn't have kids then you could really sit and consider the pros/cons of this situation. Then decide to leave your hubby for this guy...But that isn't the case, you have little ones to think about and I don't think you could live with yourself if your marriage ended because of a huge sexual attraction...

 

Are you INLOVE with him or just older feelings coming up recently? Because if you are really feeling inlove then you need to think about telling your husband what's going too. I know, easier said than done!!

 

I know how hard this must be for you, but if you really love your husband as much as you say you do then don't do this. Let this other guy go. If it was meant to be before, you two would have hooked up many moons ago before you had kids!!

 

Good luck and I hope this helps abit.

 

WWIU

[Pocky]

Have you told your husband how you feel?

[lagirl]

I haven't told my husband how I feel. I think it's becoming more obvious that my thoughts are wandering elsewhere. I also have to keep in mind that my friend is married too. How would you even tell him something like that ("Hey Hon, by the way I really want to screw my childhood boyfriend and I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed with him way more than I could ever be with you!!!) I don't think that would go over so well... I know this is my own fault, I should have left him alone a very long time ago. I have tried to leave him alone at one time or another, but the more I resist, the more he persists. We're talking roses, balloons, notes, the works. Would it be so terrible to just spend 1 night with him, if there is such a thing in these situations?

[supermom]

he's told me he loves me, he even told me he always did. i want to believe him, i want it to go much further

 

he's completely willing to cheat on his wife and i don't know what his situation is. he's never spoken badly of her, he's never said he doesn't love her and he seems to be very happily married.

 

the more I resist, the more he persists. We're talking roses, balloons, notes, the works. Would it be so terrible to just spend 1 night with him, it there is such a thing in these situations?

 

These statements are what stood out the most for me. #1, he's told you he loves you but he's married. He's completely willing to cheat on his wife. What kind of character does that tell you? I'm willing to bet that if you were his wife, he'd be willing to cheat on you too unfortunately. The thing that I am trying to get at, is that it would be terrible to spend one night with him. You don't want to lose your husband, that would be a way to lose him. Also, not only would you be cheating on your husband, but IMHO you'd be cheating on your kids too. When you husband found out, do you think your home life would be the same? It would most likely be turmoil, and your kids will be involved weather you want them or not.

 

IMHO when you become a parent, that means making sacrifices for them. In cases like abuse, that IMHO is an exception. Is there any abuse in your home? If so, leave, if not, why cheat? You won't feel better, you'll most likely feel worse.

 

I am in no way judging you. I'm not perfect in any way, but I see a disaster waiting to happen. You will regret it. Maybe not at first, but when you're found out, seeing other people hurt because of your actions will not feel good to you at all.

 

 

when i was a teenager, being the OW was extremely damaging but acceptable. i can remember feeling devastated when he was with his girlfriend, but when we were together, there was no place i would rather be. i was obsessed. now i'm older, he's still prince charming, but i would like to believe that i'm too old for fairy tales anymore.

 

Why would you want to go back to that? Yes, you are right, you are too old for fairtales. I think that if it were meant to be, yes, you'd be his wife. Maybe there is a reason you are not his wife, maybe this is a little something to say about his character, maybe something is trying to save you from this life, I take it as a sign.

 

Good luck, but please do not cheat on your husband. Is that in any way fair to him at all? The father of your children?

 

I wish you well

[VivianLee]

You know with y'all holding back all these years, when you have sex, it will probably be the most intense experience of your life....your husband can't (no one can) compete with that....there will be NO such thing as a one time....you are already addicted to him, add intimacy and you'll be posting on here how he hasn't left his wife, your hubby has found out BUT you don't care because you can't stop......

 

If you really wanted him out, you could get him out. You could tell him to leave you alone and if the notes, roses and balloons start...tell him you are going to tell your husband or his wife or that you don't want him to do it because you can't stand him.....they will stop.....unless he's a crazed stalker.....you can stop that!!

 

Now, I will say, there has got to be something said for your will-power.....I don't know how you have not had sex BUT you haven't crossed that line so just hang on.....if he's happy with his wife and doesn't even want to leave her.....then you are nothing but a fling for his ego.....

 

I don't know if you can honesty love two people at one time, I think you can surely want to have your cake and eat it too!!

 

You are playing with serious fire....get out before you are burned or if y'all are never going to stop then leave your spouses so they can have 100% of someone.....

 

You may want to look into why you have ALWAYS been fine with being the OW or second in a relationship....there could be some self esteem issues!!

 

It's either do or don't....and it's not easy to decide!! Good luck!!

[lagirl]

i spoke to my MM today. i told him how unconfortable this whole situation is for me. it's also veerrryy new. it's a first. i've never been involved with a MM before. and i've never had a interest in cheating on my husband before. we both expressed our discomfor and decided to maybe take it slow... here's the catch, he asked if we could just have one night to relieve the tension between us. i know and so does he that we in 15 years of history, that's how far we go back sexually, it always started off as just one night. he asked me if i just wanted to wait? I DO, I REALLY DO!!!!! BUT,of course there's always a BUT, 15 years of history also reminds me of how amazing he is. i did however tell him that i'm not confortable being his "side whore" OW is just a very cute euphanism for what i feel in my heart i am. still addicted anyway.

 

to further understand my position, maybe i should give a little more of our background. we met when i was a jr. in hs and he was a sophmore in college. i was the geekly little girl in awe of him, but i got treated like just one of the guys at first because of the age gap. we hung out nightly, the more we hung, the more i got a crush on him. i kind of just kept myself around, as i got in with the fellas we started hanging with fewer and fewer of the fellas around. i did ALL the stupid 16yr old schoolgirl crush stuff, tried to get him to see me as a "real women" i was still just a little sister for months. we would have drinks and laugh and listen to music, no matter what i did, he wouldn't touch me (at all & at 16 hormones killed me). One night after hanging out, we has a stupid argument, i just remember standing on the sidewalk crying and pounding on his chest, and he started crying. we went back to his home to talk, we ended up making love. and i do mean making love, he was tender, kind, attentive it was like he was my first(even though he wasn't) we made love for hours. when i was getting ready to leave, he said "I Love You". I made some stupid joke about and he never said it again. he didn't have a girlfriend at that time. we saw each other every night. it lasted for awhile, until i became friends a girl that i didn't know was his ex-girlfriend, drama ensued we didn't speak for a year almost two. Fast forward to 18, i got pregnant, not by him, but we started spending time together again, sex was involved, but at a time when i was a really confused 18 year old pregnant baby, he was calming for me, again gentle, tender, just all around conforting. DRAMA ENSUES, SAME CAUSE... DIDN'T SPEAK FOR YEARS. In those years we kinda did crappy things to each other, and some things that i did to him should have been unforgiveable. lets just say i truly betrayed and broke every unspoken rule about dating there is (i was truly young and stupid).

 

Fast forward again some years, we meet, we talk, we apologize for being simply awful, we make love, IT'S INCREDIBLE, EARTH MOVED, WORLD MELTED, TEARS IN YOUR EYES INCREDIBLE. this time he had a girlfriend. she wasn't a pretty as me(looks aren't everything), she's the complete opposite of me, but she was his school sweetheart. despite the relationship they had, we spent EVERY night together. this went on for years, alas all good things must come to an end, she gets pregnant, even then we spent MOST nights together. the whole time, we didn't talk about loving each other, but despite my crazy world at the time and his, at the end of the day we melted into each other and forgot the world for awhile. WE HAD OUR PROBLEMS, I DID SAY DAMAGING AT TIMES, I WASN'T KIDDING." he could be a real jackass when he wanted to be, but at the slightest sight of distress to me, he stopped. i felt like his babygirl. i think in some ways that's what i was. he was my clark kent, i was his lana. we ended our relationship, i got pregnant soon after, i think he was disappointed but we still spoke every day or so. he actually didn't get married until sometime after, that. Actually, I told him I was married, and i wasn't interested. he chased me for awhile, years, i wouldn't even agree to see him. he sent me roses, he wrote the most awesome emails, he was wonderful. i've gotten long winded to say that yes, cheating on our spouses is a horrible horrible thing. being addicted to each other is a horrid and unfair thing for our spouses, but he's the only man that ever made me feel safe. we make each other better people. i love him dearly and i know that he loves me, he's chased for 5 years with NO SEX. i'm really confused.

[honey2005]

If he really loved you when you were younger, why didn't he leave his girlfriend to be with you? In my opinion you haven't been first in his life and you never will be. It seems like he's just looking for a thrill, a last time encounter with you that will leave you brokenhearted and depressed, not to mention a woman who has cheated on her husband. Why would you want to be with a man who is so willing to cheat on the person he has promised to be faithful to until he dies?

 

I noticed a pattern in the relationship you've had with this man. Everytime you're together something happens and you two don't speak for years. If you can't have a purely platonic relationship with this man, I think you should just avoid him all together. You are married. You promised your husband that he would be the only one for you until you died. Why do you want to break these vows for just one night with this guy? Remember, if he really loved you before you would be with him now, not his "side whore".

[whichwayisup]

The problem is it won't just be 'one' night. Once you do it, you'll want to do it again and again. Just be prepared for the fallout if you decide to go that direction with him.

 

Curosity is one thing but this will lead to something more...it isn't just sexual right? There are alot of other emotions being played into this situation. Careful and really think it through before you both jump into something that you can't undo.

[lagirl]

I first want to truly thank everyone that has responded to me so far. I appreciate your honesty and genuine opinions.

 

There are a few things I wanted to address. I do absolutely adore this man, it sounds like wishful thinking, but I also know that I mean much more to him than sex(he's picking up LARGE part of my college tuition tab). In MM/OW situations it's not always as black and white as "he's wants to stroke his ego" or "he's willing to cheat on his wife". I WANT TO FIRST SAY, I DO NOT THINK THAT THIS IS A GOOD THING.. I DO NOT THINK THAT THIS IS OKAY.. I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT HE WILL LEAVE HIS WIFE.. I WOULD NOT ASK HIM TO.. IN ADDITION, WE INFLICTED DAMAGE ON EACH OTHER WHEN WE WHERE YOUNGER. I DID SO PRETTY F***** UP THINGS TO HIM. I "DATED"(to put in discreetly) HIS BEST FRIEND FROM CHILDHOOD. I GOT MAD AND I DID THE ONE THING THAT I KNEW WOULD BE DEVASTING TO HIM, AND THAT IS NOT THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING THAT I DID. I WAS QUITE THE BITCH WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. HE NEVER STOPPED LOVING ME. I KNOW THIS AS AN ABSOLUTE.

 

Over the past years without one sexual encounter and for most of the past few years no face to face encounters at all, he's been there for me as support when i needed it most. He's sent gifts, I got multiple daily phone calls and once, I got a phone call from my babysitter telling me my son was missing, without hesitation, he left his wife, and went and found him within 30 minutes(my son had been missing for 4 hours). Those actions and actions like that let me know that I am more to him than just a conquest or sexual relief from a marriage that needs sprucing up. I know that there is alot of fantasy there. We don't have to talk about the mortgage, braces for the kids, car notes or who got in trouble at school today. We don't have to rush in the morning to get or put a screaming baby to sleep. That makes being romantic a whole lot easier.

 

Although, I truly believe "OW" is a nice way of saying "side whore", I also do believe that there are really some people out there who have gotten into circumstance beyond their control. It breaks down like this, he had a girlfriend, he was leaving girlfriend and asked me to have a baby, i was career minded and honestly looked to good in my ALLY MC BEAL work attire to ruin my body, I said no, laughed at him and went home; girlfriend he's leaving, already has multiple kids, not yet 30, got clues he was leaving(everyone knew we were spending ALL of his time together), knows he's family oriented to a fault, got pregnant, "unplanned(yeah right)", bingo he's not going to leave now. In all of her months or pregnancy, he spent only the last 3 weeks with her, he spent all of her pregnant nights with me too, cell phone off, ringer down, no interruptions from the pregnant girlfriend. To my amazement, she never intruded on my time. He wasn't all wrong, he gave me clues that he wanted me, he made it obvious, I wanted to have fun. I really liked to have fun. Party girl, successful at work, every guy drooling, stopped traffic, party girl. I couldn't be so bothered to not drink on a daily basis and spend every weekend some form of bar. I don't want to sound like I'm making any excuse for just how wrong this is, that's why so far, I haven't done anything that I can't take back yet. Just as a side note, in all of the years they have been married, they have no more children, he refused to have anymore "WITH HER". The wife and I have an unknowingly mutual friend who doesn't know that I know him, so he hasn't told me any of this, our friend tells me everything I nod and smile politely.

I said all of that to say this," I really know why I wasn't his wife, when I was younger, it took him a long time to get over the best friend thing, he did, we passed that now."

As much as I love him, as much as I "know" that he loves me, I'm not interested in being the cause of any other woman's pain. I've been on the other side of the coin before also, my husband cheated, he was wretched. He didn't care who he hurt or what that hurt caused. Despite the fact that he cheated(which caused a heart attack and a nervous breakdown) I don't want him to feel that pain either. I would rather this not be our situation. I don't want either of spouses hurt, no matter what. We discuss this constantly. We do a lot of discussing. It's frustrating to say the least.

 

I'm getting wordy,I KNOW, I'm working it through. I hope that I don't have a physical relationship with this man. I don't want to lose him as a friend, the more I think about it, we've know each other for over 15 years, I just don't want to. I would like to believe that I am more intelligent than to cause myself drama or my friend drama. I know that there is no such thing in our situation as just one time for us. There is more than just sex there, we do have a very strong emotional connection, he wouldn't be able to handle the double life neither would I. Someone mentioned my will power, I don't have any. I'm just a very confused, extremely sexually frustrated woman.

[bjenkins]

I am going to try to respond to your write up.

I am a woman who is 47 and probably to you OLD. Beauty you speak about knock down gorgeous. It only lasts for a short time. Someday you will get old you will have grandchildren and everything you do now will some effect on them later.I was a practicing alcoholic for only ONE year but in that one year I did more than I ever wantto talk about. You probably are going to go ahead and talk yourself into having that affair and maybe even justifying it. But in your heart what you do now will leave guilt with you for a lifetime. I know what I am talking about.

You need to tell your friend I DONT CARE HOW MUCH HE HAS CHASED YOU HOW MUCH MONEY HE HAS PUT OUT FOR YOU it needs to stop. Have some respect for yourself and for GODS sake if you want a divorce do it that way don't be like a snake and do something behind your husbands back. He does not respect you he sounds like a dog in heat. How do you know he is not going after someone else in the mean time. I AM so thankful he is not my husband. Life is too short, you have history and bonds with your husband you have children together you have stuff you can talk about when you get to your golden years and the memories ..IS he worth that I dont think so. By the way I am Female, married for almost 26 years to my husband he has put up with alot from me in that one drinking year. I would strongly talk to your husband if you really love him work it out with him.

[lagirl]

Thank you. I haven't yet, and to be quite honest, I don't believe in "JUSTIFYING MY ACTIONS". I'll either do it because I want to or I won't. I'm not 23 so no, you're not old to me. I really don't want to sound like I'm trying to defend my action or my desire to spend time with this man. I simply enjoy his company and enjoy him as a person. I truly understand your concerns about kids and future guilt and deeply believe in both of those things. I would never do anything that would negatively affect my children. I haven't done anything to date that would negatively affect my children. Secondly, the issue of "Self-Respect" not every person involved on either side of an affair is lacking "self-respect". Self-respect is simply a system of checks and balances that ensure you don't let yourself be demeaned. Self respect keeps one from dancing topless on a bar, not from falling in love. Since I posted that message, I've had a lot of time to think, I've had a lot of time to think about the situation. It's very easy to sit in judgement of a situation when we don't know the mitigating circumstance of the case, everything is black and white, judgement is cut and dry. Get a Divorce, sure that seems like the right thing to do. Of course it does. It seems like the most logical step, but do remember, I said I have children and I don't do "ANYTHING" to their detriment. THEY ADORE THEIR FATHER, HE ADORES THEM. WE LIVE A COMFORTABLE LIFE. GETTING A DIVORCE IS EASIER SUGGESTED THAN DONE. I noticed that you said your husband put up with a lot from you, to be very honest, substance abuse of any kind is something that I absolutely would not tolerate because it hurts everyone, I'm sure someone told him to divorce you, that's where mitigating circumstance comes in. FOR WHATEVER REASON, HE DIDN'T and you are the better for it. I appreciate your opinion, I thank you for your honesty, but if everything were as black and white, life would be much easier.

[SoleMate]

How would you even tell him something like that ("Hey Hon, by the way I really want to screw my childhood boyfriend and I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed with him way more than I could ever be with you!!!) I don't think that would go over so well

I think you SHOULD tell your husband. Not with quite those words...but tell him you are tempted and in anguish over it, and want his help. That is what he should be there for.

 

Yes, he will be incredibly upset and hurt. But at least you will be giving the two of you the chance to face this crisis HONESTLY and deal with it as a team. Please see http://www.marriagebuilders.com. And you may want the support of a professional when you tell your husband what is going on in your head.

 

Good luck!

[lagirl]

That really isn't something you tell your husband at all. It's an internal battle, never to be discussed with the other partner. Put yourself in the same shoes, can you honestly say that you would discuss your feelings with your partner. I doubt it. There are no words that would make that a viable option. I put myself in my husbands shoes, I would be extremely hurt. NO, I won't discuss my feelings or plans with my husband, but I will give it more thought before acting on my desires. In addition, what would discussing this feeling accomplish. It would only make our marriage strained and everyone would suffer.

[bjenkins]

I think that it is definitely something that I could talk with my spouse about. I am very sorry if I came across to you as better than you. I dont care if its alcohol, drugs, weight everything is a temptation these days.

I honestly feel that I could tell my hubby if I was having those feelings. Those HONESTIES between us are what make our marriage stronger. Sometimes I dont tell him everything like I spent too much money at the store or other stuff.

I really hate the idea that I came off that way to you and I really am sorry. I hope that you can get some peaceful feeling soon. Seems to me that unless it is adressed head on there is going to be this jittery, unsettled feeling. Years ago when it came to my alcoholism I just had to say ENOUGH! I had to let go of old playmates and old playgrounds and move on for me and my husband and children.I feel very offended when someone knows that I am married and they would still like to cross those boundaries its like HEY what do you take me for. GOOD LUCK and you and your family are in my prayers for whatever happens..... its scary. By the way my husband never told me that he ever wanted a divorce, he is my best friend 26, years and four children later. I have more with him than I could ever imagine,,, history, faith, love we have stuff to talk about I remember that song KNOW WHAT the grass aint always greener on the other side when it aint really love and aint really lust and you aint anybody anyones gonna trust then what when the new wears out and the old shines through....... GOOD LUCK!

[pinnicle10]

Hey, no sense to tell your husband and that would only relieve your guilt. Live with it yourself. I am going to be candid with you but very honest.

 

Just do it! You live once in life and to deny yourself the opportunity to enjoy a good experience with someone like that is not good. You will always regret it. But, you must put it in perspective so you do NOT ruin your relationship with your husband and family. You must never take chances where you are even going to raise the slightest bit of suspicion. Never sneak over at night when your husband is home and may wakeup and find you gone and then you have to make up where you were. Never use anyone else as an excuse. Dragging someone else into it will only further complicate it. Simply have sex with him when there is virtually no chance of getting caught. You must also understand that it is SEX and nothing more. You will enjoy it a lot more. And as for being his whore as you put it, go ahead and be that. It is okay to live another side of your life (fantasy) as the bad, naughty girl. It is actually a turn on for some men to have a gf/wife that is a "bad girl". I actually like your attitude. I see all these good people on hear telling you not to do it but you keep replying with why you might or why you should. I say go for it!

Enjoy it and relish in it but just know what it is you are doing. You are not having an affair but are having sex. It may even help your sex life with your husband get better.

 

email me if you like at the same name as my nickname is at hot mail .com

 

I actually am one of those guys who would be turned on by your desire if you were my wife. I have been there and can tell yiou how my wife handled it.

 

Steve