After 6 years, break up or get married?

[sophia34]

I've been seeing the same man for almost 6 years--we're both in our mid-30s--and it's getting to the point where we must make the decision. Get married or break up?

 

Actually I must make the decision. He's been clear for the last three years or so that he's ready to get married whenever I am. He's incredibly sweet and caring and doesn't want to push. I've told him several times that he should just kick me to the curb for my indecision but he always just laughs and says that he just wants me to be happy and he's willing to wait.

 

I've heard it so many tijmes: Don't get married if you're not madly in love. Don't get married if you're not so attracted to the other person that he takes your breath away. By that logic, I should have broken up with this person years ago. However, I've never been "madly in love." I don't even know if that state of mind exists for me; I've had trouble mustering up unconditional, profound emotional attachments for members of my own immediate family (something they've never been aware of, thank goodness). So here, I have this great guy who's caring and sweet and supportive. We have similar approaches to money, and differ on only one or two points of values/politics. He wants kids, and although I'm a bit nervous about the idea of children, I'd be willing to do it. We respect and help each other through tough times. But because I don't feel that "madly in love" feeling and because I'm questioning the whole relationship, I'm leaning toward breaking up with him, even though I know that it would devastate him and leave a big hole in my life as well. Every weekend I gear myself up to do it, and every weekend I can't bring myself to break it off. Even so, the thought of marrying this person just makes me want to cry, which is not fair to him. He wants kids and a home and a married life.

 

But I don't know if that's because I don't want to marry HIM, whether I don't want to get married at all, or whether I'm simply not capable of the emotional attachment that everyone says should be present for one to get married. My biggest fear is that I'll break up with him and then find out that what I had WAS really love after all. I just didn't recognize it at the time.

 

What to do? Has anyone else been in this situation? I've kept him "off the market" long enough. I either need to marry him or let him get on with his life. Thanks so much.

[katie79]

madly in love with him. I am NOT saying that after 6 years, it's abnormal for the "honeymoon" phase to end. That happens in all relationships, madly in love or not. But if you don't feel that fire or magic, that isn't good. If you keep questioning whether you love him or are in love with him---that's not so good. Maybe deep down you feel like someone else is out there who would make you feel great, on fire, in love, and if you are staying with him to avoid hurting his feelings, you are wasting both your time. It's likely you will meet someone else, but if you feel this way now, and don't find someone special for a few years, don't regret this decision b/c it was the best one you made at the time, since you are extremely ambivelant towards the type of love you feel for this man. Maybe what would be best is if you took a break for a few weeks. See if you long for him like you are in love and see what happens. Good luck!

[sophia34]

for your perspective! This has been such a hard situation for me, I doubt I will do this again. I never want to have to be in a situation again where I have to do something like this to such a nice person. I'd much rather stay single!

 

But you are right. I will have to try to work this out somehow!