robaday Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Between being an empowered, secure person, capable of practicing forgiveness and giving people chances......to being a pushover, allowing people to ride roughshod over my feelings? At the moment this incident is pressing on my mind a little. My father is coming to visit me, first time hes bothered in four years to make an effort. The last couple have been fraught, tense and nearly resulted in me disowning him. He emotionally abused me as a child, got physical a number of times, and 4 years ago assaulted me with a metal bar, after I found out he had cheated on my mother and stood up to him. BUT Im his son, and everyone else has disowned him, my mother divorced him immediately, my sister disowned him, his own parents and family cant stand the sight of him. I dreamt all my life for a relationship with him, on a subconscious level admired him, for all his faults, he is human, all too human, and as a very very small child was a fantastic father, until the alcohol and power corrupted him. I want a relationship with him. But I cant stand to be taken advantage of my good nature again, Im not him and have empathy, forgiveness in abundance, but after having an abusive partner for a number of years (she was narcissistic and incapable of empathy, not to mention physically and emotionally abusive)...Im starting to question my capacity for forgiveness.... Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Between being an empowered, secure person, capable of practicing forgiveness and giving people chances......to being a pushover, allowing people to ride roughshod over my feelings? At the moment this incident is pressing on my mind a little. My father is coming to visit me, first time hes bothered in four years to make an effort. The last couple have been fraught, tense and nearly resulted in me disowning him. He emotionally abused me as a child, got physical a number of times, and 4 years ago assaulted me with a metal bar, after I found out he had cheated on my mother and stood up to him. BUT Im his son, and everyone else has disowned him, my mother divorced him immediately, my sister disowned him, his own parents and family cant stand the sight of him. I dreamt all my life for a relationship with him, on a subconscious level admired him, for all his faults, he is human, all too human, and as a very very small child was a fantastic father, until the alcohol and power corrupted him. I want a relationship with him. But I cant stand to be taken advantage of my good nature again, Im not him and have empathy, forgiveness in abundance, but after having an abusive partner for a number of years (she was narcissistic and incapable of empathy, not to mention physically and emotionally abusive)...Im starting to question my capacity for forgiveness.... Its a lot harder to forgive someone than people think....not so much of a pushover but takes strength of character to find the good in people and forgive them their gaffs .....if my step father came to em tomorrow and asked me to be part of his future without saying sorry....would i?....the answer is yes...i have had years to process how he treated me and why the only ask i would give him is that he see and talk to my sister who i feel ,has never gotten over the fact he abandoned her.......sadly i didnt live up to his expectations and thsi will never come to be....i am not angry with him fro that ...he has a right to feel what he wants to feel.....he can ttake away what i feel fro him either......nobody can....i am a forgiving person because i like to live life without regret and without grudges...ill always give a chance......and yeah i get people who say im too soft for my own good , im an idiot, a pushover...ok they have the right to feel that way....... doesnt mean ill change for them though.........as far as forgiving my ex yep forgave him too,against populr demand from friends and family, doesnt mean ill take him back.....there's boundaries on people that hurt you, that naturally happen a certain wariness, proceed with caution type of attitude....but forgive.....i find my life a lot happier than holding onto past regrets and hurts.....i would be seriously stuffed if did......so i am a little screwed....but happy..i dont forget easily....i feel hurt deeply....me being happy,that's what counts...not others opinions of who and how i should be...they either accept me or they dont....and i have gained life long friends because of who i am ...friends who accept me like i accept them..you do and be what makes you happiest....life is a lot easier that way.....listen to your heart it will tell you if you should forgive or not..deb Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 He's dangerous. Stay away. Sign up for an adopt a grand-parent program if you want a relationship with an older man. Your father sounds troubled and possibly insane. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 The determining factor, in my opinion, of whether or not someone will change is...do they even believe they have a problem and do they want to change? For many abusers, the answer to both is no. And it takes a perceptive spouse to honestly assess this without their own emotions getting involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author robaday Posted January 23, 2013 Author Share Posted January 23, 2013 He is troubled, and I have no doubt that in the right circumstances he could be dangerous. Hes lived a dangerous life, has been in jail, and has repeatedly put himself in life threatening positions. Hes a very powerful man, where he works (a poor developing country), but with that has come narcissisism and a disconnect with the Western world. To me though hes part of a key to a mystery Ive spent years trying to unravel- myself! I wondered as a troubled guy in my early twenties, when I was getting arrested, taking drugs and fighting a lot, where all that was coming from, cause overall Im a really quiet and quite timid guy. My capacity for forgiveness, is linked to pushing people away myself when I was younger, frequently hurting those around me to test how much they cared about me...guess going through that makes me softer and more able to see the good in people, but its cost me a lot too! Guess the onus is on him now. Hes begun trying a lot harder over last year to get to know me, and while I can see through a narcissists tears for once Ive seen a trace of genuine remorse....either way, Im twice the size of him now, so hed be a brave man to get physical again! Link to post Share on other sites
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