Will he ever want to see his daughter and leave me in the dark?

[Milo12412]

Please read my thread previous on my husband fathered a child....

 

He has chosen not to see this baby, she is now 9 months old Nd apart from when the crazy mother of it came round to make an excuse over child support and find an excuse to speak to him to which he chased them

Both and also made no attempt to look at the little girl either. We've heard nothing from the crazy woman in 6 months and I do worry deep down that he may change his mind and want to see the baby, I mean I'd never ever stop him but it would make me feel insecure.... He won't talk about it and when I asked him why he doesn't want to ever have a bond with his daughter he just said that it would cause problems in our marriage which we've clawed back from the dead!!! He doesn't want anything to come between us again and this makes me happy as I can tell he's really trying to redeem himself!!!

 

His parents have also stuck by his decision and kept their distance from the woman and the baby to avoid complications!

 

I know she still wants my husband and I know by his reaction how he treat her when she came round to discuss child support and had the baby with her that he hates her which makes me feel more secure than ever.

 

When the baby was born she sent a photo of her to his email which he came home and told me straight away see so there's no secrets at all with us now!

 

But I do sit at times and think I wonder if he ever seen her when I wasn't there that he may have a change of heart and want to see the daughter again, I mean it isn't an issue if he does want to I just worry he doesn't involve me and the secrets start. My friends have said there's no chance he will as she's now 9 months old and if he didn't bother her when was born and didn't bother to contact her at Xmas then he's not going to all of a sudden care now is he! I know it's our little girls sister but I just don't think it's fair she ever knows about her as we don't want her to know her father was Habing an affair since before she was born till she was 2 and we know she'll ask questions. So do you think he'll ever contact the child or do you think he'll stick to his thoughts and feelings now? I personally think he Hates the mother too much to ever want a bond, I don't feel insecure about him cheating again weve come too far in rebuilding our marriage I mean the sex is better than ever! He never used to look at me like that now he can't get enough of me it's like he realised what he could lose and had made it up to me a million tomes over I just know he'd never be as foolish to take a chance on losing me again

[TaraMaiden]

Whether he ever wants to or not, you have no right to interfere.

It's up to him.

 

I doubt he'd leave you in the dark though.

 

The only reason he might do that is if he believes you to be emotionally insecure, and that you'd get jealous and make a fuss, or create a scene, and build resentment.

 

And of course, that would be foolish, because you'd never do that, would you?

[Milo12412]

Whether he ever wants to or not, you have no right to interfere.

It's up to him.

 

I doubt he'd leave you in the dark though.

 

The only reason he might do that is if he believes you to be emotionally insecure, and that you'd get jealous and make a fuss, or create a scene, and build resentment.

 

And of course, that would be foolish, because you'd never do that, would you?

 

 

Thank you for your response firstly. And no I know I couldn't stop him and have never ever said I would, he just made the decision that it was best for us that he has no contact I have asked a few times why he doesn't want to see her and get this response that must be true his answer then mustn't it?

 

And I'm very emotionally stable so hopefully he wouldn't keep me in the dark.....

 

Do you think my friends right then that after 9 months of sticking to this and not even bothering at a time like Xmas that he'll proberbly never bother now?

[TaraMaiden]

If you'll pardon me saying, I think his decision is unwise and reckless.

 

It's his child.

If the situation ever came up that she needed urgent medical care, he might have what it takes to help her.

 

He has a social and moral responsibility to her, and the mother is a by-product.

 

In my opinion, his daughter would benefit from his support and input.

His opinions of the mother should be tangential.

 

does he contribute child support?

 

In your position, I'd actually be encouraging to forge some form of contact.

She may thank him for it later.

 

And please know, I speak from similar experience.

[Milo12412]

If you'll pardon me saying, I think his decision is unwise and reckless.

 

It's his child.

If the situation ever came up that she needed urgent medical care, he might have what it takes to help her.

 

He has a social and moral responsibility to her, and the mother is a by-product.

 

In my opinion, his daughter would benefit from his support and input.

His opinions of the mother should be tangential.

 

does he contribute child support?

 

In your position, I'd actually be encouraging to forge some form of contact.

She may thank him for it later.

 

And please know, I speak from similar experience.

 

Thank you for your thoughts it's really appreciated its nice to have someone to talk to, I did say to him before Xmas will you be buying her a toy and he just said no so I left it as I gather he doesn't wish to talk about it, and like I say his family have stuck to their side of the bargain too when he asked them to support us and I discovered his mother knew about the affair but we have built out bonds again and she has since became like a best friend her support is immense, she even told me she seen the crazy bitch he was seeing when she didn't have far to go she was shopping alone for baby stuff and his mother ignored her so I gather now none of them really like her and I doubt they could overcome this to see the baby, apart from medical exemptions I don't think after Ll this time hell change his mind do you?

 

He knows I wouldn't mind him seeing her but he just has never spoke of her and no one else has its almost like she doesn't exist which I guess by us not arguing over it has helped rebuild our marriage....

 

Apart from one couple all our friends accept his decision and have supported his choice in saying its to save us he doesn't see her, our longest friends have turned on him tho :-( leading to my friendship being dininished with them too as they question my defence for the affair....

 

May I ask please if this is similar to your experience? Thank you x

[Milo12412]

Thank you for your thoughts it's really appreciated its nice to have someone to talk to, I did say to him before Xmas will you be buying her a toy and he just said no so I left it as I gather he doesn't wish to talk about it, and like I say his family have stuck to their side of the bargain too when he asked them to support us and I discovered his mother knew about the affair but we have built out bonds again and she has since became like a best friend her support is immense, she even told me she seen the crazy bitch he was seeing when she didn't have far to go she was shopping alone for baby stuff and his mother ignored her so I gather now none of them really like her and I doubt they could overcome this to see the baby, apart from medical exemptions I don't think after Ll this time hell change his mind do you?

 

He knows I wouldn't mind him seeing her but he just has never spoke of her and no one else has its almost like she doesn't exist which I guess by us not arguing over it has helped rebuild our marriage....

 

Apart from one couple all our friends accept his decision and have supported his choice in saying its to save us he doesn't see her, our longest friends have turned on him tho :-( leading to my friendship being dininished with them too as they question my defence for the affair....

 

May I ask please if this is similar to your experience? Thank you x

 

And yes we pay £88 a month child support as the mother had nothing better to do than ring them as soon as the child was born now don't get me wrong I do agree he should pay for the child but I don't think it's cos she needs the money I think she just always looks for ways to have contact of some kind or to force him to think of the child but as we know it doesn't work like that..... Hence once we sorted child support shes had no excuse to contact us for 6 months

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you for your thoughts it's really appreciated its nice to have someone to talk to, I did say to him before Xmas will you be buying her a toy and he just said no so I left it as I gather he doesn't wish to talk about it, and like I say his family have stuck to their side of the bargain too when he asked them to support us and I discovered his mother knew about the affair but we have built out bonds again and she has since became like a best friend her support is immense, she even told me she seen the crazy bitch he was seeing when she didn't have far to go she was shopping alone for baby stuff and his mother ignored her so I gather now none of them really like her and I doubt they could overcome this to see the baby, apart from medical exemptions I don't think after Ll this time hell change his mind do you?

 

He knows I wouldn't mind him seeing her but he just has never spoke of her and no one else has its almost like she doesn't exist which I guess by us not arguing over it has helped rebuild our marriage....

 

Apart from one couple all our friends accept his decision and have supported his choice in saying its to save us he doesn't see her, our longest friends have turned on him tho :-( leading to my friendship being dininished with them too as they question my defence for the affair....

 

May I ask please if this is similar to your experience? Thank you x

My H's daughter was a product of her mother wanting a baby at any cost.

2 months after she became pregnant, my H's ex threw him out.

She did everything within her power to prevent him from seeing the baby, and even refused to acknowledge her own husband as the child's father on the birth certificate.

Eventually, when the baby was a little under a year old, distance, finances and logistics became too much to handle, and he was forced by circumstances to stop his attempts at maintaining contact.

The intervening years were difficult for him, but eventually, 2 years ago, he discovered his daughter on FB.

It took immense courage for him to establish contact - now in her late teens, he had no idea to what extent his ex- had poisoned his daughter's mind against him.

he wrestled with the idea of sending her a message for a very long time.

But once he had, she responded within minutes.

The path to re acquaintance has at times been difficult and argumentative, but he doesn't regret re-connecting, for a nano-second.

His main regret was not striving at all costs to keep a connection, whatever the hurdles, and he mourns those lost years.

 

I really would urge you to press him strongly to reconsider.

She's his child, his daughter, and entirely blameless for her presence in this world.

Why would he deny his own offspring the right to know who her father is?

 

I'm afraid to say I have sympathy with the opinion of your 'longest friends' and while I exclude you from any responsibility in this, I find his attitude, to be blunt, deplorable.

He had an affair.

he did the wrong thing.

And now, he's compounding his previous actions with more 'wrong'.

 

I apologise if I offend, but nothing should stand in the way of him acknowledging his responsibility and being a father, as well as a parent.

[hotgurl]

Instead of thinking about what is best for you and your husband. Why don't you do what is best for the child. Who had nothing to do with the circumstances that brought her into this world.

[Milo12412]

My H's daughter was a product of her mother wanting a baby at any cost.

2 months after she became pregnant, my H's ex threw him out.

She did everything within her power to prevent him from seeing the baby, and even refused to acknowledge her own husband as the child's father on the birth certificate.

Eventually, when the baby was a little under a year old, distance, finances and logistics became too much to handle, and he was forced by circumstances to stop his attempts at maintaining contact.

The intervening years were difficult for him, but eventually, 2 years ago, he discovered his daughter on FB.

It took immense courage for him to establish contact - now in her late teens, he had no idea to what extent his ex- had poisoned his daughter's mind against him.

he wrestled with the idea of sending her a message for a very long time.

But once he had, she responded within minutes.

The path to re acquaintance has at times been difficult and argumentative, but he doesn't regret re-connecting, for a nano-second.

His main regret was not striving at all costs to keep a connection, whatever the hurdles, and he mourns those lost years.

 

I really would urge you to press him strongly to reconsider.

She's his child, his daughter, and entirely blameless for her presence in this world.

Why would he deny his own offspring the right to know who her father is?

 

I'm afraid to say I have sympathy with the opinion of your 'longest friends' and while I exclude you from any responsibility in this, I find his attitude, to be blunt, deplorable.

He had an affair.

he did the wrong thing.

And now, he's compounding his previous actions with more 'wrong'.

 

I apologise if I offend, but nothing should stand in the way of him acknowledging his responsibility and being a father, as well as a parent.

 

Goodness this is so so sad :-( goes to show some men don't give up do they.....

 

I have encouraged him as best I can and he just won't talk about it, said this is our life now and that's that so nothing else I can do is there? I've made sure ppl know it isn't my fault also and I've had my own daughter to protect in all of this, I don't understand what his reasons are can you think? I know he's very happy and very carefree and our marriage bizzarely seems to have benefited from the affair so maybe he can't face the pain of what he's done? My oldest friend said I should go and speak to the mother but my mother in law said no way that shell fill me with lies and it'll dent the hard work we've made, I've never spoke to the mother before

[TaraMaiden]

 

I have encouraged him as best I can and he just won't talk about it, said this is our life now and that's that so nothing else I can do is there? I've made sure ppl know it isn't my fault also and I've had my own daughter to protect in all of this, I don't understand what his reasons are can you think?

Yes.

No man likes to have his selfishness and infidelity rubbed into his wounds like salt. I suspect his decision to not stay in touch is completely selfish and he has no thought for her at all.

 

I know he's very happy and very carefree and our marriage bizzarely seems to have benefited from the affair

 

Really?

In what way?

here you are anxious about the situation, wondering about what he thinks, if he ever thinks it.... you sound extremely anxious, and you seem to care more than he does. So what 'improvement has it made for YOU specifially?

 

so maybe he can't face the pain of what he's done?

I think facing the pain is giving him far more credit than he deserves.

he simply doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions...

 

 

My oldest friend said I should go and speak to the mother but my mother in law said no way that shell fill me with lies and it'll dent the hard work we've made, I've never spoke to the mother before

 

What lies?

How do you know they will be lies?

If you've never spoken to her, how do you know what she says will be a lie?

How do you know that in fact, what she may say, will shed more light on your husband's reasoning?

Maybe everyone has told you she's crazy, but if she is bringing up a child on her own, and the father refuses to be there for her, can you blame her for being upset?

How would you feel if your H abandoned you and your daughter, and the only thing you had to show for it, was £88/month, but he point-blank refused to even acknowledge she exists?

Wouldn't you be a tad upset?

[Milo12412]

Yes I agree I possibly couldn't think of anything worse......

 

I don't think about those things as its been easier to forget about the mother as at the end of the day she didn't care about me did she.....

 

Your right they're possibly not lies shed have to shed but if I heard the truth or anything different then it'd be so hard and I don't want to think of my husband as anything but what he's presented me with, his story....

 

I'm not always anxious the last 2 days have just brought me to feeling worried that if he thought about the daughter that he wouldn't let me in, I need to be there every step of the way I mean every phone call he made to the child support he had me presant and we discussed it every step..... Then she came round saying he was delaying things going crazy saying he'd informed the CSa it was dragging on so long because he'd said he was working in London, I mean doesn't that show she's crazy making lies like that up just to come to our door? She's never been back as when I asked her why she'd told ppl I'd stopped him seeing the baby she replied with well he told me, outside a nightclub when I was with friends and 7 months pregnant, I knew of this night as he'd told me he'd seen her and that she'd begged him to speak to her, she claims that didn't happen and conveniently the next day a girl I always thought was very nice whom

I went to Uni with rang me and said she was on the night out with the mother and he had said that, I don't believe he would, why would he blame me? I think the mother has quite cleverly roped a lot of ppl in to her lies to paint my husband to be bad.... That night we say down and went through my Facebook and deleted anybody who knows her at all so she knows nothing about our lives and also to make a statement we don't want them involving, SHE might but we wouldn't do that to innocent ppl!

 

Honestly our marriage is better than ever the communication levels are beyond amazing we spend time together now, go away our parents help more with childcare so we have us time. He's never been so attentive in the bedroom...., I've never spoke of this with anybody at all even my close friends I shut them up and tell them we don't mention it At home so I'm not discussing it with them.....,

 

Like I say it's just yesterday I thought I need to know his thoughts and need to know he'd tell me if he wanted to change his mind... That's all

[FitChick]

Big difference between a father who wants a relationship with his daughter but the bio mom doesn't want that to happen, and the opposite, which is the OP's husband.

 

However, with the OP's carping attitude, she will create the thing she dreads, which is driving her husband away again. It makes me wonder if her insecurity and anxiety in general drove him into this woman's arms in the first place.

 

It would have been better if the woman had done the unselfish thing and put the baby up for adoption to a stable, two parent home. Better for all concerned. Besides, anyone can meet her when she turns 18 (or whatever the age is in the UK).

 

Let this be a lesson to women who think they can trap or trick a man into staying with them by getting pregnant! Selfish and destructive.

[Milo12412]

And I may sound defensive over him I do know he's to blame for this, he wronged me but I have never seen a man more sorry or willing to try..... The affair began just before we got married and lasted 4 years, he'd ended it as she started to mark out her crazy ways and he realised what he'd done and came to

Me to confess everything so we could try again then a week later who delivers a text that she's pregnant yes her!! Unreal your thinking right!

 

But yes he's been amazing he has such a bad time he had to take 6 months off work with depression..... He wouldn't let me leave him he just needed me there at all times but I managed to go to work and function not sure if it was robotic like but it helped I work out of town and no one knew and they still don't know at my workplace so my life is carefree they think we've always had an amazing marriage I can live the dream there!

 

All his family and in fact everyone says what a string woman I am for going through this and for staying with him and u guess I am but at same time I can't force him to see his baby can I no matter how strong I am

[FitChick]

Did he ever get a DNA test? She might have had a revenge affair since he was married to you. Have you read this story? Happens all the time.

Edited January 21, 2013 by FitChick

[Milo12412]

Big difference between a father who wants a relationship with his daughter but the bio mom doesn't want that to happen, and the opposite, which is the OP's husband.

 

However, with the OP's carping attitude, she will create the thing she dreads, which is driving her husband away again. It makes me wonder if her insecurity and anxiety in general drove him into this woman's arms in the first place.

 

It would have been better if the woman had done the unselfish thing and put the baby up for adoption to a stable, two parent home. Better for all concerned. Besides, anyone can meet her when she turns 18 (or whatever the age is in the UK).

 

Let this be a lesson to women who think they can trap or trick a man into staying with them by getting pregnant! Selfish and destructive.

 

Thank you for that those are also my feelings, why did she feel the need to trap or attempt to trap my husband he wasn't hers to Háve a baby with!!!!

 

I don't despise the chIld at all it's not her fault however I don't have any feelings for her I know she must be ok and things or we would have heard by now, even his mam says an unwanted baby is never loved the same as a yearned for child and I think that's why she also has never bothered with her granddaughter yet she adores the child we have together!

 

I wish the little girl no harm but I haven't said to my husband he should see her out of anything other than pity for the child. She's going to grow up with only one parent with whom she'll dislike for the way she was so wrongly brought into the world so I agree maybe she should have been given up and been allowed to lead a normal life

[Milo12412]

Did he ever get a DNA test? She might have had a revenge affair since he was married to you. Have you read this story? Happens all the time.

 

He wouldn't go through with the DNA test she was the one who actually proposed it and fought very strongly for it but my husband didn't see the point of paying £200 for it

[Milo12412]

Plus I'm guessing she just have been pregnant before he ended it by the dates but obviously she wasn't aware as it only came out a couple of days after he confessed to me and wanted to change and right his wrongs!

[sweetkiwi]

Thank you for that those are also my feelings, why did she feel the need to trap or attempt to trap my husband he wasn't hers to Háve a baby with!!!!

Trap? Sex produces children. He was having sex with her. Which produced a child.....

I don't despise the chIld at all it's not her fault however I don't have any feelings for her I know she must be ok and things or we would have heard by now, even his mam says an unwanted baby is never loved the same as a yearned for child and I think that's why she also has never bothered with her granddaughter yet she adores the child we have together!

I am a so-called unwanted child. And believe me I have suffered knowing my biological father wanted nothing to do with me. I was an innocent. Not a product.

Plus I'm guessing she just have been pregnant before he ended it by the dates but obviously she wasn't aware as it only came out a couple of days after he confessed to me and wanted to change and right his wrongs!

So you think its a coincidence that he confessed, then she ended up pregnant? Not.

 

She got pregnant and he figured the jig was up. And now he is trying his best to sweep both OW and baby girl under the rug.

 

But oh. He pays child support...........which somehow redeem him???

[Milo12412]

No it doesn't redeem him but he's contributing to something in her life isn't he, most men don't give anything at all!! At least you won't have to hate your mother like she will, it wasn't you'r mothers failt that your father hasn't been around yet she has to explain it was her own actions that have done it to her own daughter.....

 

I mean the woman came twice when she was pregnant wanting to talk to him then making excuses over child support, I'm not sure why she can't just accept this is it, this is the decision he's made, his final choice, she should accept things really that's her and her little girls life and our life is what my husband wants and that's that I can't change his mind, we are where he's happy, don't get me wrong she hasn't been back or have we heard from her in 6 months but I don't believe it's the end of her ways

[sweetkiwi]

I really don't understand why all the blame is placed on her shoulders.

 

And yes. I did grow up to hate my mother. She is genuinely crazy. I can't testify as to your husbands OW's mental state.

 

Thank god my REAL father married her while pregnant with me. Otherwise I would grow up like that poor baby girl. Without any parent to truly love me or show me compassion.

[silvermercy]

Me to confess everything so we could try again then a week later who delivers a text that she's pregnant yes her!! Unreal your thinking right!

So let me get this right. He only confessed to you because somehow he sensed the woman was ready to spill the beans about the child!? Unbelievable! And they had a years-long affair before you got married!?

 

Personally, I would never support a man who doesn't want to see his child no matter how it suited me. Just what kind of man is that!? Sorry, but I will also take the opinion of the "longest friends". Maybe they think the same as us here exactly because they're the longest friends.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes I agree I possibly couldn't think of anything worse......

Well there you go. She doesn't have to think it. She lives it.

 

I don't think about those things as its been easier to forget about the mother as at the end of the day she didn't care about me did she.....

 

That's if she knew all along that you even existed. Goodness knows what he told her about you. If you read the threads in the OM/OW forum, you will see that not all OW had the truth told them about the BS. Some thought the man divorced, and others that the wife was an evil frigid manipulative bitch. The bottom line is, people are people, and events and situations make them crazy.

You only know what you've been told.

What if she's in exactly the same boat?

 

Your right they're possibly not lies shed have to shed but if I heard the truth or anything different then it'd be so hard and I don't want to think of my husband as anything but what he's presented me with, his story....

Of course. it's far more comfortable to believe things as they stand. It doesn't rock the boat, or your feeling of security. To know anything different might destabilise that. That's what's known as 'Head-in-the-sand' syndrome.

 

I'm not always anxious the last 2 days have just brought me to feeling worried that if he thought about the daughter that he wouldn't let me in, I need to be there every step of the way I mean every phone call he made to the child support he had me presant and we discussed it every step..... Then she came round saying he was delaying things going crazy saying he'd informed the CSa it was dragging on so long because he'd said he was working in London, I mean doesn't that show she's crazy making lies like that up just to come to our door?

The only place she could have gotten that information from - is him.

Why would she say something so crazy?

No reason.

unless it's actually what she had been led to believe.

 

She's never been back as when I asked her why she'd told ppl I'd stopped him seeing the baby she replied with well he told me, outside a nightclub when I was with friends and 7 months pregnant, I knew of this night as he'd told me he'd seen her and that she'd begged him to speak to her, she claims that didn't happen and conveniently the next day a girl I always thought was very nice whomI went to Uni with rang me and said she was on the night out with the mother and he had said that, I don't believe he would, why would he blame me?

 

Hang on.... she told you he said that you, as his wife, had stopped him seeing the baby. (another person backs her story up.)

He tells you she begged him to speak to her, but she says that didn't happen. (You only have his word for it).

 

Why would he blame you?

because he's a manipulative cheater, and if he lied to you for 4 years, he can sure as hell lie to you about her, and about you TO her. It suits him to paint you as the... what did i say....? evil frigid manipulative bitch'. It's called getting the sympathy vote. The woman he's married to is controlling. That would be you.

Goddammit, how much longer are you going to let him and his mother pull the wool over your eyes? he's probably lied to his mother too, BtW... No son wants to be a bastard in his mother's eyes....

 

I think the mother has quite cleverly roped a lot of ppl in to her lies to paint my husband to be bad.... That night we say down and went through my Facebook and deleted anybody who knows her at all so she knows nothing about our lives and also to make a statement we don't want them involving, SHE might but we wouldn't do that to innocent ppl!

One or two, maybe... But 'a lot of people'....? No. I don't think so. She would have to convince a lot of people to all stick to one story, all the time.

you on the other hand, only have one source of information to refer to. And he tells you what he wants you to hear. And you won't investigate to check. He's fooled you before.... he's fooling you now. And he must be so relieved that you have fallen for it hook line and sinker.

Why would so many people lie? And why would you believe one person's version, against those of 'a lot of ppl'...?

 

Honestly our marriage is better than ever the communication levels are beyond amazing we spend time together now, go away our parents help more with childcare so we have us time. He's never been so attentive in the bedroom....,

Yeah, that's 'guilt sex'. He's basically making it up to you. Every time he has sex with you, it means he's distancing himself - and you - from his cheating ways. I know, one of my exes did the same thing to me.

he had an affair, and the sex with him became amazing.

 

I've never spoke of this with anybody at all even my close friends I shut them up and tell them we don't mention it At home so I'm not discussing it with them.....,

Yeah. Head-in-the-sand syndrome. I'd be scared of what they might actually say, too.

Would they say what I've been saying, do you think?

Do you imagine perhaps that I am not the only one thinking like this?

"Denial ain't a river in Egypt, Honey...."

 

 

Like I say it's just yesterday I thought I need to know his thoughts and need to know he'd tell me if he wanted to change his mind... That's all

I don't think this is your real fear.

I think your real fear is that contact with his daughter, would be contact with her.

And contact with her may lead to other things.

I THINK that's what your real fear is.

Edited January 21, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[TaraMaiden]

I mean the woman came twice when she was pregnant wanting to talk to him then making excuses over child support, I'm not sure why she can't just accept this is it, this is the decision he's made, his final choice, she should accept things really that's her and her little girls life and our life is what my husband wants and that's that I can't change his mind, we are where he's happy, don't get me wrong she hasn't been back or have we heard from her in 6 months but I don't believe it's the end of her ways

 

I thought you said you'd never seen her....

 

What you don't get is that once she achieved child support - which was her right as the mother of his child - you haven't seen her or heard from her since.

For a 'crazy woman' that's quite a self-restrained act.

She has kept away and not bothered you.

She has achieved what she wanted for their baby - and has now receded into the background.

 

She's behaved impeccably, and while she had to apparently fight to get what was rightfully her child's support from the child's father, she has otherwise been perfectly restrained....

It's been 6 months of No Contact from her.

 

And you still believe it's not 'the end of her ways'....?

 

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.....

[TaraMaiden]

I had to go back and re-read this.... and the more I read, the more I think this situation is really screwed up - and that you are being led around by the nose and that the victims of this whole mess are you, the baby in question, and her.

 

He has chosen not to see this baby, she is now 9 months old Nd apart from when the crazy mother of it came round to make an excuse over child support and find an excuse to speak to him to which he chased them

Both and also made no attempt to look at the little girl either.

 

"...it....?"

 

No wonder he chased her.... That's a reaction founded on fear. The last thing he wanted was her version to spill out....

 

We've heard nothing from the crazy woman in 6 months and I do worry deep down that he may change his mind and want to see the baby, I mean I'd never ever stop him but it would make me feel insecure....

Yup. Here again, as I suspected. 'Insecure' though, not because of the baby.

Because of his ex-mistress....

 

He won't talk about it and when I asked him why he doesn't want to ever have a bond with his daughter he just said that it would cause problems in our marriage which we've clawed back from the dead!!!

Straight from the horse's mouth. He very probably doesn't want to become enmeshed in something which would mean you finding out new and hitherto withheld information. For that, read 'his lies'. And I think he also wants to prevent himself from the risk of re-kindling something...

 

He doesn't want anything to come between us again and this makes me happy as I can tell he's really trying to redeem himself!!!

 

His parents have also stuck by his decision and kept their distance from the woman and the baby to avoid complications!

he's getting it all his own way, isn't he?

He's pulled the wool over your eyes, and further denied his daughter the comfort of knowing her grandparents.... and of them cherishing an addition to the family. Disgraceful.

If I was his mother, I'd ignore that request, right away.

"How DARE you deny me the right to see my own grandchild??"

 

I know she still wants my husband and I know by his reaction how he treat her when she came round to discuss child support and had the baby with her that he hates her which makes me feel more secure than ever.

No. He doesn't hate her. he fears her....

He probably hates the mess he's created, and would hate the complete truth to come out.

 

Really?

You can't see this??

 

 

But I do sit at times and think I wonder if he ever seen her when I wasn't there that he may have a change of heart and want to see the daughter again, I mean it isn't an issue if he does want to I just worry he doesn't involve me and the secrets start.

You could always insist he see his daughter without her present, and in a public place.

That may allay your real fears.

 

I know it's our little girls sister but I just don't think it's fair she ever knows about her as we don't want her to know her father was Habing an affair since before she was born till she was 2 and we know she'll ask questions.

You're very mercenary and liberal in deciding what you want people to know or not know.

I hope one day they find each other and that your daughter will then have a chance to evaluate her father in the real light of day.

But it will certainly come as a shock to her, and will she resent you?

Very damn probably right she will.

 

So do you think he'll ever contact the child or do you think he'll stick to his thoughts and feelings now? I personally think he Hates the mother too much to ever want a bond, I don't feel insecure about him cheating again weve come too far in rebuilding our marriage I mean the sex is better than ever!

 

Yeah, you mentioned that.

 

He never used to look at me like that now he can't get enough of me it's like he realised what he could lose and had made it up to me a million tomes over I just know he'd never be as foolish to take a chance on losing me again.

I think there's more to that than meets the eye.

I personally feel you're being suckered in, and he's terrified of you ever finding the truth. That's why it's easy to convince you he hates her.

He is afraid of what she knows, and what she would say.

The bond would be between him and his daughter, she wouldn't have to figure.... His feelings for her, in that specific sense, are immaterial and irrelevant.

But he knows that if he connects with his daughter, inevitably, one day, you two may well also have to meet.

And I think he's got you precisely where he wants you.

Contact with his daughter would destroy his carefully-contrived existence.

 

I'm fully prepared to be wrong on some things.

But I cannot honestly accept in any way shape or form, that I'm wrong all the way through.

I think there's more truth in my account than there is in yours.

But that's because I have the benefit of outside observation.

You're blinded by being on the inside, having your own daughter, and being with a man you have ended up keeping.

And you will cling to any desperate hope to continue keeping him.

Including believing everything he's told you, disregarding corroborating statements from witnesses, and ignoring other clues right under your nose.

Edited January 21, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[Cutiepie1976]

Wow! Having read your two threads, all I can say is he's good...very good! Out of curiosity, what do you think was accomplished when the two of you sat down and deleted anyone that this woman might know from YOUR Facebook account. It isolates you from sources that might provide conflicting reports should he need to lie. You also lose an important alert system, their posts and pictures that accidentally capture him where he shouldn't be, should he start to fool around again.

 

You've said in both threads that you believe him and don't want to hear other versions from your friends, this woman, etc. That you really want to believe your husband. It's great to trust someone, however, when someone has betrayed that faith for years on end, insisting on blind faith even in the face of conflicting information can be damaging. His mother and his family hid his at least four-year affair from you. I would take their reassurances that there is no contact with a very large grain of salt. Their loyalty is quite obviously to him and his wishes, not yours.

 

People react differently to betrayal and infidelity. It's an ugly and hurtful place to find yourself, and my heart really goes out to you. It does. You didn't deserve this! It's certainly your prerogative to blame the other woman for everything that happened and to view her as crazy as you did in your previous thread. I just wonder if you might be better served by taking a more reasoned, thoughtful look at the sorry mess. How interesting that he confessed that he'd gotten another woman pregnant right before she told you about the affair and pregnancy. Interesting, no, that his family covered for him for years, but is now against her and solidly behind you. Interesting that whenever you do get independent information, it doesn't match your husband's version. I know you are convinced that this crazy woman tricked and trapped your husband for four years and has poisoned your mutual friends so that they are now spreading lies about what they witnessed him say in public venues. Place the blame where you will. Your choice. But might there be other reasons why your friends accounts differ from your husband's?

 

Isolating yourself by cutting out anyone who might give you information that conflicts with his statements is not a wise choice IMO. I suspect that your husband is beside himself with joy over this. Your reaction is a cheater's wet dream. Unfortunately, you are doing yourself a huge disservice. As I said in your other thread, you're effectively burying your head in the sand. Don't be surprised to have more baggage wash up on your doorstep down the road when you take this approach. You have effectively removed the most common ways for you to catch him cheating. Was that your intent?