Will he ever want to see his daughter and leave me in the dark?

[Milo12412]

His mother assists us with child support so it isn't a dent to our finances I meant to add

Edited January 22, 2013 by Milo12412
Post no longer required

[silvermercy]

And even you admitted he chose me... He didn't want her no more!!!

AND you're actually happy with that!?

 

All you do is defending his ****ty behaviour.

Please please find yourself a good and new councilor at least. They may help you understand why on earth you're accepting all this as a lowly doormat.

 

You still haven't answered my hypothetical questions by the way...

[Milo12412]

Yes I agree I wouldn't be happy with anything you have posed I would hate him to walk out and never answer why but yet I'm his wife he would lawfully have to answer yes? He didn't owe her anything.... He wasn't hers to answer to nor was he hers to trap him with a baby!

[silvermercy]

Yes I agree I wouldn't be happy with anything you have posed I would hate him to walk out and never answer why but yet I'm his wife he would lawfully have to answer yes? He didn't owe her anything.... He wasn't hers to answer to nor was he hers to trap him with a baby!

Being married to you didn't matter to him though when he cheated for so many years. In other words, he could care less if you were his wife. And she didn't TRAP him. He fully knew the risks and consequences!!!!

 

Seriously, go now and look up councilors in your area. This is far from healthy.

Edited January 22, 2013 by silvermercy

[Milo12412]

I'm not daft I know it takes 2 and I know he wasn't faultless either!!! Seriously I do!!! But what I've been asking is peoples opinions on things and I value them all!!!

 

The one thing I ask is if you think we've done enough to ensure we can move forward, or really do things really always come back to bite you on the arse??

 

You hear of affairs and people moving on and being happier than ever don't you so what I'm saying isn't entirely false!!

[sweetkiwi]

He wasn't yours either unless you count the vows he made. Which he never intended on keeping. I really feel sad that you are so delusional. And while you think things are working out for the best, just remember-

 

Somewhere there is a little baby who was cheated out of a father.

Somewhere out there is your husband. A cheater and liar.

 

And most importantly to YOU. There are the ramifications of such irresponsible behavior on his part, and now your part.

 

I cant say I have ever been in your position but IF I WERE I hope I would handle things differently and respect MYSELF above a marriage my partner doesn't even respect.

 

Your own daughter will find out about her sister one day and long for time with her. I have a sister myself I've never met and I am angry that chance was stolen from me by my selfish biological father. And obviously her mother as well who never took the initiative to bring her and I, SISTERS, together.

[silvermercy]

I'm not daft I know it takes 2 and I know he wasn't faultless either!!! Seriously I do!!! But what I've been asking is peoples opinions on things and I value them all!!!

 

The one thing I ask is if you think we've done enough to ensure we can move forward, or really do things really always come back to bite you on the arse??

 

You hear of affairs and people moving on and being happier than ever don't you so what I'm saying isn't entirely false!!

No, it's not entirely false indeed. I agree.

 

But as I said earlier, the happy reconciliations after affairs are usually the ones where the spouse has confessed on his own due to personal reasons and internal dialogue, and not due to external forces, as in your case.

In other words they're not sorry, they're sorry the got caught.

 

Also, happy reconciliations usually need a minimum 2-5 years to recover and the spouse has to do EVERYTHING (and I mean EVERYTHING and MORE) in his power to make you happy. And you're not happy since you're here on LS.

 

Has he faced REAL consequences like, say, a 3-6 month separation? I doubt it...

 

Has he reached a stage where you say "JUMP!" and he asks "how high"?

 

Has he even figured out WHY he cheated (apart form the standard excuses cheaters usually give)? The WHY is very important and it can take months and years to fully uncover it.

 

My last advice is to really consider AT LEAST some individual and couples counseling. To figure out the real and deep WHYs. One for your husband's cheating and one for you accepting that.

Edited January 22, 2013 by silvermercy

[Milo12412]

Ok before we go any further I've never said I condone him turning his back on her!

 

And also I actually said in the beginning that he can see her I'm not stopping him and he still said no Abd when asked why he just said he never wanted it mentioning again so really what else can I do, I didn't mention it again. So it's not my fault how can I be blamed for his actions?

[Milo12412]

To silver lining I beyond appreciate you'r comments and thoughts thank you

 

I do know he's not innocent.... I do.....

 

And believe me he gives 200% in getting everything right and boy oh boy when I shout jump he asks how bloody high!

 

We have done a lot of soul searching and I realised I spent too much time involved in work and over the years communication had dwindled and we'd lost 'us' and stupidly instead of discussing it he had his head turned and bang the distance grew stronger as he was talking to another woman instead of me..... That's the only reason we've both found and I admit it was true ..... It happens doesn't it....

 

I have no doubts I only came on here to ask opinions if he ever thought of his daughter would he tell me, like a colleague was saying her ex husband didn't bother with the kids Xmas day and I thought I wonder if he thought of her at all then thought no surely he's have told me if so....

[silvermercy]

Ok before we go any further I've never said I condone him turning his back on her!

 

And also I actually said in the beginning that he can see her I'm not stopping him and he still said no Abd when asked why he just said he never wanted it mentioning again so really what else can I do, I didn't mention it again. So it's not my fault how can I be blamed for his actions?

Oh you're not to blame for that!

 

But but but...

 

He asked you not to mention that again. WHY is he the one making the rules here? You have the full right to bring it up if you want. Whether he likes it or not! Even if YOU don't like it HE doesn't have the right to tell you not to bring it up again. What he's doing is "conflict avoidance". Look it up.

 

If you hope for REALLY moving forward any questions you have are answered truthfully, are corroborated by ALL witnesses, friends etc and he doesn't get angry or defensive. This is about ANY questions, not just this one.

 

And you know why he doesn't bring it up? Because he now hates her for ruing his fantasy double life. The problem everyone is trying to tell you AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN lies with the REASON why he doesn't want to see her. It's because he's still a bad and selfish man! He hasn't really changed! Sure he hates her (and the poor child as a result), and that's great and convenient for you, but he's still a CHEATER at heart! Nothing really changed since that day!! It's obvious from his current actions.

 

Only counseling may help with the bolded part. Not us, not you, not anyone else. He needs to help himself. Because honestly he doesn't seem to recognize he needs professional help.

Edited January 23, 2013 by silvermercy

[Milo12412]

I hang out with all his friends now, like I don't get much social time from work but if I do he takes me to his nights out even if other wives aren't there and I now get on really well with his friends, no secrets there either! He plays football every day of the weekend and I go along to that too and take our daughter, we're really very much involved in each others lives now and this is where it went wrong also because we weren't!!! We had no social life together and we stopped making the effort!

[Milo12412]

Silver mercy thank you yet again for your time :-)

 

But I really don't have any questions..... He's answered them all.... I didn't really wish to know why he didn't want to see her I guess it was a case of I felt I should try and skirt around it and see his reaction which was met by I don't want to see her and I don't want to discuss, which in a small sense suited me as neither did I once the addressing of it was over, it meant we'd acknowledged the babies arrival and acknowledged the next if any, step....

[silvermercy]

I wish you luck then and best wishes for him being truly remorseful and then moving to a happy reconciliation.

 

Please DO consider the counseling suggestion though!

 

[Milo12412]

If you think it will help....?

 

How do I go and say well we need councilling when there isn't actually anything the matter?!!! :-)

[silvermercy]

If you think it will help....?

 

How do I go and say well we need councilling when there isn't actually anything the matter?!!! :-)

Well, the reasons of his cheating for starters. WHAT he was missing from the relationship before... What led him to cheat in the first place... Remember these are NOT simple answers that you may have discussed before. In ALL threads I've seen here of people happily reconciling, they ALL had this element in their marriage! Counseling. You both need a GOOD professional!

 

Second, the hate for the other woman (and his child).

These two are a very important matters that needs to be discussed in detail. This could take months. It's not simple talk at home between you. Very different.

 

Don't let him talk you out of it! He may even fear what will come up in the sessions. But remember it's YOUR call and YOUR decision, not his anymore. Don't even think of allowing him to get defensive or bring resistance about it!!!! It's your call! Always!

 

If you are successful in your sessions and he doesn't quit midway through, then the odds of you being happy and, thus, not on LS, will increase dramatically.

 

Good luck!!

[StarsOnFire]

I know she still wants my husband and I know by his reaction how he treat her when she came round to discuss child support and had the baby with her that he hates her which makes me feel more secure than ever.

 

I'm pretty sure you confused a look of disgust with a something else there. I can only imagine her face when the man who was man enough to have sex with her, wasn't man enough to take on HIS part of the responsibility of the child they created together.

[StarsOnFire]

Rising? Like what? What else could surface? Everybody knows everything now and accept it even my family, I guess her father done us a favour looking back once we overcome the facing them they too accepted it....

 

Anyone directly in our lives knows everything and understands and even if they don't it hasn't jeopardised our friendship!

 

Work colleagues on both our parts don't know nor do they need to not would they care! Really what else is their to surface..... The next thing may possibly be 18 years time if the daughter comes knocking we have too many happy times ahead of us prior to that time and it's a bridge to cross at that point not worry about in the meantime....

 

Do you believe that what someone said that when the drama dies the man starts thinking back to any nice times with the other woman? I wouldn't thought so even you've pointed the reasons out for his hate

 

You do realize with Facebook and the convenient access to the Internet, this could possibly happen a LOT sooner than when she turns 18. Kids are on Facebook at like what, age 9 now?

[Milo12412]

Yes we understand that it may but it's a case of crossing that bridge when it comes, until that time ourselves and both of our families have drawn much closer..... Life's good, we're all very happy and yes it may bite us on the backside one day but that days a long way off......

 

If the daughter comes to us then in say a decade well have had a decade of enjoying life, the life we should have had blissful marriage.....

 

Then well face it but there's no point allowing it to affect us till then is there? That's silly. If he's not seeing her which he isn't them nothing is going to change in our lives and therefore why make it difficult by bringing it up when it'll probs be brought up a lot when or if that day comes and we can't control it.....

[silvermercy]

Yes we understand that it may but it's a case of crossing that bridge when it comes, until that time ourselves and both of our families have drawn much closer..... Life's good, we're all very happy and yes it may bite us on the backside one day but that days a long way off......

 

If the daughter comes to us then in say a decade well have had a decade of enjoying life, the life we should have had blissful marriage.....

 

Then well face it but there's no point allowing it to affect us till then is there? That's silly. If he's not seeing her which he isn't them nothing is going to change in our lives and therefore why make it difficult by bringing it up when it'll probs be brought up a lot when or if that day comes and we can't control it.....

I don't know how you can manage to have a blissful life knowing all this... I truly can't. I imagine myself in this scenario and the stress would simply kill me... For me it would be just postponing the inevitable. Maybe it's a character trait but I just COULDN'T do what you're planning on doing. It would slowly kill me inside.

[hotgurl]

Yes we understand that it may but it's a case of crossing that bridge when it comes, until that time ourselves and both of our families have drawn much closer..... Life's good, we're all very happy and yes it may bite us on the backside one day but that days a long way off......

 

If the daughter comes to us then in say a decade well have had a decade of enjoying life, the life we should have had blissful marriage.....

 

Then well face it but there's no point allowing it to affect us till then is there? That's silly. If he's not seeing her which he isn't them nothing is going to change in our lives and therefore why make it difficult by bringing it up when it'll probs be brought up a lot when or if that day comes and we can't control it.....

 

Wow I find your decision absolutely distasteful and extremely selfish. You are not being a good person right now and you are not being a good role model to your daughter.

 

Do you really want to teach her it is ok to abandon a child if it suits you?

 

I always wondered how my ex's new wife could be married to someone who walked away from their child. Now i see and it disgusts me.

 

My daughter for the longest time blamed herself for her dad abandoning her. She felt something must be wrong with her to make him walk away. She was not good enough. When in reality he was just a selfish jacka$$. You and your husband are sentencing his child to a this. To not feeling like she matters, questioning herself etc... But I guess if that means you can be happy for a couple years than that's cool.

[Milo12412]

I believe the daughter will more so feel anger towards her mother than her father...... Her mother made a decision to being her into the world into this mess, so really I think she'll be angry at her mam cos shell see her, you can't love nor hate someone you don't know right?

[TaraMaiden]

No, absolutely not. quite the opposite.

She will have formed a close bond with her mother. As her single parent, there will be no love lost. Animosity will be for the man who so disgracefully abandoned her.

 

Trust me on this - if anyone is going to feel her wrath it will be him.

Oh yes, believe me, you can certainly be angry with someone you've never met.

Particularly when you think of why he's never met her.

Swine.

[Milo12412]

When she came round to have a go over wanting her child support she started lieing saying he spent the night with her when I was in hospital before being started off with our baby, she claimed she didn't know this was happening I thought what a new low to stoop to making nasty lies up like that, but even if it weren't lies I could imagine how heartless she'd be to do that intentionally!

 

At this point my H shoved her out to which later she claimed he manhandled her when she had hold the baby but I didn't see it but I couldn't imagine he'd do that!

 

She was screaming in the street saying what you guna tell this baby when she comes looking for her he told her I'll tell her the truth that I haven't seen her cos of you, cos your a manipulating bitch and really after what I witnessed that night she is and I guess that will be the truth what he'll tell her if she comes.....

 

If I switch off like we have for the last 9 months then I guess it'll just get easier to keep switching off, ppl say it gets easier and to be honest almost a years gone by since the birth and it really does get easier, there's a lot of days I don't even think of it, I used to more so when she was a tiny baby when I seen newborns in prams but no longer as I know she's not like that so can't visualise her.....

 

I think it's inevitably out of sight out of mind, that's the only way to describe it I think.....

 

I'm not proud of this but I can't help it..... And my husband well I asked him about why he never mentions her implied how he couldn't miss her he said its a case of you don't miss something you can't see which I guess I can relate to its like someone saying I have a long lost sister in America I wouldn't love her or miss her cos Id never known her to miss...

[hotgurl]

I believe the daughter will more so feel anger towards her mother than her father...... Her mother made a decision to being her into the world into this mess, so really I think she'll be angry at her mam cos shell see her, you can't love nor hate someone you don't know right?

 

not true. My father left when I was little. I hate him more than words can express. I feel he is a selfish, spineless man.

 

He tried to contact me several times when I was older 13, 18, 20 , 30 I want nothing to do with him.

 

She'll love her mom and hate him and maybe you.

[hotgurl]

When she came round to have a go over wanting her child support she started lieing saying he spent the night with her when I was in hospital before being started off with our baby, she claimed she didn't know this was happening I thought what a new low to stoop to making nasty lies up like that, but even if it weren't lies I could imagine how heartless she'd be to do that intentionally!

 

At this point my H shoved her out to which later she claimed he manhandled her when she had hold the baby but I didn't see it but I couldn't imagine he'd do that!

 

She was screaming in the street saying what you guna tell this baby when she comes looking for her he told her I'll tell her the truth that I haven't seen her cos of you, cos your a manipulating bitch and really after what I witnessed that night she is and I guess that will be the truth what he'll tell her if she comes.....

 

If I switch off like we have for the last 9 months then I guess it'll just get easier to keep switching off, ppl say it gets easier and to be honest almost a years gone by since the birth and it really does get easier, there's a lot of days I don't even think of it, I used to more so when she was a tiny baby when I seen newborns in prams but no longer as I know she's not like that so can't visualise her.....

 

I think it's inevitably out of sight out of mind, that's the only way to describe it I think.....

 

I'm not proud of this but I can't help it..... And my husband well I asked him about why he never mentions her implied how he couldn't miss her he said its a case of you don't miss something you can't see which I guess I can relate to its like someone saying I have a long lost sister in America I wouldn't love her or miss her cos Id never known her to miss...

 

If your daughter was in this situation what would you tell her to do? would you want her to be with a man who left his own kid?