Will he ever want to see his daughter and leave me in the dark?

[hotgurl]

Did you have a replacement father? Why didn't you try to reconnect with him?

 

Not that my opinion matters. But there are a lot of single mothers nowadays, it will be hard to find one who isn't a single mother.

 

Because I value people who are good and honest and have integrity. His leaving told me all I need to know about his character and what kind of person he is.

 

I don't want that kind of person in my life. Besides what possible explanation could he give that justifies walking away from your kid.

 

Sure there are lots of single parents but there are plenty of men who remain involved in their kids lives. Is it easy? no. But often what is right is not easy.

[Milo12412]

Well I think we both know the answer to that is no..... But I think ppl are overlooking this amazing man who ive been with since school that I know is a good man, he wouldn't have made my dreams come true if he wasn't he wanted to Marry me, wanted us to have a family surely that speaks for a good person?

[Milo12412]

My friend told me you can't truly move on from

Something till you face upto it completely but we seem to have done so I'd say she pops in my head once every 4-6 weeks but not enough for it to effect me or to cause a row..... Just a little trigger..... And the time period gets longer Inbetween too..... So it's never an issue we have to deal with as it doesn't come between us.....

[TaserTag]

Did you always dream that the man you loved & married would carry on a years long affair and father a child with another woman behind your back? I highly doubt that this is dream-come-true material here.

 

It seems like your husband's lover and child must pop into your head more than "once every 4-6 weeks," because you took to the internet to try to talk to other people about it after your husband essentially refused to discuss any of it with you.

 

A man who would cheat on you and lie to you for years is not a good man. A man who would treat the mother of his child so poorly and disrespectfully is not a good man (and this goes for both you and his affair partner who he has mistreated and lied to). A man who would refuse to care for his children is not a good man.

 

You and your husband (mostly your husband) have decided to just try to ignore his child and mother of his child, cut out your old friends who might disagree or tattle on him, and pretend that nothing bad ever happened to your relationship? You're both just hiding from reality.

 

Just because he married you and got you pregnant, that does not mean that he's "a good person." He was also cheating on you the entire time, lying to you constantly, and starting a family with someone else at the same time.

[Milo12412]

Do you think he might be frightened of being a dad? That's why he's ignoring her..... Or frightened of hurting me, even tho it wouldn't one bit! He knows I said he can see her for me....., do you think,

[TaserTag]

Has he told you that he's frightened of being a dad and that he's afraid of hurting you? Or are you trying to find excuses for his behavior without asking him directly?

He's afraid of being a dad, but he managed to bring two children into the world and treats one of them like they don't exist or matter at all.. does he also treat your daughter that way?

Edited January 25, 2013 by TaserTag

[Milo12412]

Well no because he wanted our daughter, he planned it and was with me all through pregnancy cared for us both and had adored her from

Birth, I think I mean scared of being a dad to her and being involved because of how it would affect our family and also by Habing to then have a relationship with the awful mother, that must be scary right?

 

When it all came out his mother told him he would have to choose as he wouldn't be able to have both his marriage and our family and his daughter and I kind of understand where she was coming from......

 

He was clearly more scared of losing us so chose us, he was maybe scared of becoming a father to her?

 

But surely if it was just that fear alone he'd have changed his mind by 9 months right? Or do you think it gets harder?

[Milo12412]

Did you always dream that the man you loved & married would carry on a years long affair and father a child with another woman behind your back? I highly doubt that this is dream-come-true material here.

 

It seems like your husband's lover and child must pop into your head more than "once every 4-6 weeks," because you took to the internet to try to talk to other people about it after your husband essentially refused to discuss any of it with you.

 

A man who would cheat on you and lie to you for years is not a good man. A man who would treat the mother of his child so poorly and disrespectfully is not a good man (and this goes for both you and his affair partner who he has mistreated and lied to). A man who would refuse to care for his children is not a good man.

 

You and your husband (mostly your husband) have decided to just try to ignore his child and mother of his child, cut out your old friends who might disagree or tattle on him, and pretend that nothing bad ever happened to your relationship? You're both just hiding from reality.

 

Just because he married you and got you pregnant, that does not mean that he's "a good person." He was also cheating on you the entire time, lying to you constantly, and starting a family with someone else at the same time.

 

Maybe so but do you not believe in redemption? Or starting afresh and really Dont you agree that he has proven how much he wants our marriage to work by going to the lengths he has as surely he can't be that cold hearted and it can't have been a light decision to make

[TaraMaiden]

Do you think he might be frightened of being a dad? That's why he's ignoring her..... Or frightened of hurting me, even tho it wouldn't one bit! He knows I said he can see her for me....., do you think,

 

In one sentence, he's scared of the truth coming out, because up to now, you've been the agreeable little wife who has lapped up every word and refused point blank to listen to, or believe anyone else, no matter how many people have contradicted him.

99 people could swear it's white, and he will tell you it's black.

And by believing him, and him alone, you're conveniently in the dark.

 

Originally Posted by Milo12412

When she came round to have a go over wanting her child support she started lieing saying he spent the night with her when I was in hospital before being started off with our baby, she claimed she didn't know this was happening I thought what a new low to stoop to making nasty lies up like that, but even if it weren't lies I could imagine how heartless she'd be to do that intentionally!

 

At this point my H shoved her out to which later she claimed he manhandled her when she had hold the baby but I didn't see it but I couldn't imagine he'd do that!

 

See, I actually believe this is exactly what happened.

In fact, I'm convinced, and her account doesn't surprise me at all, because it's consistent, and as she has already had one account of hers corroborated by someone else, she has no need to lie.

The reason she has no need to lie is that he, by his actions, has proven himself to be a lily-livered, lying scumbag cheating jerk.

He has done everything he could to protect his little 'kingdom' choosing to thrust his child out of sight, in order to preserve the careful lie and the deceit he creasted - for 4 years, remember....

 

He was heartless enough to continue an affair for 4 years - some say from BEFORE you married - so I don't see why he wouldn't be heartless enough to sleep with her while you were in hospital.

 

How are you going to check up?

Who told you she was lying?

HOW in fact, do you know 100% that she was lying?

Is it just that you refuse to consider any other possibility, because you don't want your carefully-constructed illusion to be shattered?

 

Particularly as she also had to chase him for child support.... so why if he can do something so mercenary, as to deny his child, and not pay Child support until compelled to - why would he be telling the truth about this, and why would she lie?

 

And I perfectly believe he 'manhandled' her.... less than gently.

You "didn't see it but you couldn't believe he'd do that!"

 

In all likelihood, you didn't see him screwing her either, for 4 years, but you couldn't believe he would do that either, could you, in all probability.

But well, look at that.

He did.

[TaserTag]

I think I mean scared of being a dad to her and being involved because of how it would affect our family and also by Habing to then have a relationship with the awful mother, that must be scary right?

 

But surely if it was just that fear alone he'd have changed his mind by 9 months right? Or do you think it gets harder?

 

Your husband only thought that the other woman was awful after he got her pregnant and she threatened to expose his affair. He was happily stringing you along and sleeping with her behind your back for years before then. I think that he'd still be cheating on you now if she hadn't gotten pregnant and had just kept quiet about their relationship.

 

I don't think that your husband is really all that complicated or afraid of being a parent. I think he has just taken the easiest way out, every step of the way. He lies to you, tells you that everyone else is lying when they contradict him, has you get rid of friends and facebook contacts who might tell on him, and keeps his other woman from telling you her version of events. You seem flattered that he's trying to save your marriage like that, like he's protecting you in some warped way, but he's still just avoiding reality and keeping things from you.

 

He can lie to you for years and have an exciting affair on the side and then, even when it totally blows up in his face, you're ready to just keep accepting his lies and pretend that he's wonderful and a dream come true. So I'm sure he is very relieved at how well this has worked out for him.

 

If you're worried that he'll start seeing his daughter behind your back and lie to you about that.. I do think that he'll just do whatever is easiest and pleases himself. I think it's easiest for him to blame everything on the other woman and avoid caring for his other child. So, if I had to bet on it, I'd guess that he probably won't bother trying to be a good dad to his other daughter. He's too afraid that the other woman will tell you something, I think, and just wants her gone. Hopefully, for you and your daughter, he won't start another affair in the future and he'll try to be a better person for at least some of the people in his life. Who knows.

 

I don't think that I could get past knowing that my husband lied to me for years (not even getting into the cheating, just focusing on the lying), and it would take a lot of therapy and honest communication for me to even begin to build back that trust, but everyone is different.

[StarsOnFire]

Well no because he wanted our daughter, he planned it and was with me all through pregnancy cared for us both and had adored her from

Birth, I think I mean scared of being a dad to her and being involved because of how it would affect our family and also by Habing to then have a relationship with the awful mother, that must be scary right?

 

I'm sorry but how old is your daughter, because if the timelines match up, while you were being "cared" for and planning your pregnancy and birth he was off screwing this other chick in a FOUR year affair.

 

I just don't get why you keep acting like he's such a Prince Charming. I feel so sorry for you, that you have such low self esteem to not only stay with this horrible person, but that you are trying to convince yourself that he's a such an amazing person. I'd have much more respect for you if you didn't try to idolize him in every post you type about him, because then at least I'd know you could see through his charade.

[Milo12412]

My child is now 3..... She was 18 months when we found out she was pregnant..... There's exactly 2 years between them....

[TaraMaiden]

Oh how sweet! They say that's the ideal age for siblings to form strong bonds and friendships!

 

Perfect!

[Milo12412]

They do? How come?

[TaraMaiden]

Because they're close enough to share a lot of common interests but not too close as to develop jealousy, and also, they have their own circle of friends.

 

It's ideal.

 

I think your two daughters, when they eventually meet, will have soooo much to talk about, having a dad in common, don't you?

[Milo12412]

Well we live aporox 20 mins away so chances are quite slim, plus I feel too much time would have passed for them to form a real bond would you say?

 

Plus the main reason I dread if that day ever happened is that other little girl may despise our daughter and cause trouble for her out of jealousy that their dad loved her but didn't want to love her....

[TaraMaiden]

No, I don't think so.

I'm sure she wouldn't hate your daughter for no reason, particularly as your daughter has done nothing to deserve such animosity and resentment.

 

....Fancy hating an innocent child through no fault of her own.

Who would do such a thing...?

 

Oh - hang on.... Your husband.

 

Right......

 

And I'm talking to you on the internet, and I don't even know how far away you live from me. You think 'living 20 mins away' is honestly going to prevent them meeting?

 

[Milo12412]

I do see you'r point..... I guess if that day ever comes me my H, his parents and my parents who all know will all have to sit with her and kinda talk it out.... Here's hoping it'll be at an adult age so she gains more understanding...

[TaraMaiden]

Tell me... don't you think it would be a much better thing to take in, if that scenario was avoided, and instead, you made moves not only to tell your daughter when she's old enough - but also accept the other child into your lives and actually profit from the advantage of having two closely-related girls actually become accustomed to one another from the word 'go'?

 

Wouldn't it be better to let them become actual sisters and forge a good relationship now?

 

Or is that too easy?

You really want to set up a situation fraught with drama, simply because your selfish scumbag of a cheating husband is too much of a shallow dick to man up to what he did, and let the truth come out when it should?

Edited January 25, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[scatterd]

I am sorry you are in this situation I am sure you want the OW to go away that is understandable. But why does this baby girl have to pay for her dad and moms choices. She did not choose to be born this way but she was. She deserves every bit as much love as your daughter gets. this comment kind of made me cringe.

 

even his mam says an unwanted baby is never loved the same as a yearned for child and I think that's why she also has never bothered with her granddaughter yet she adores the child we have together!

 

What kind of Dad and Grandma does not love their other Blood baby. Her dad knows what a rubber is, he took the chance of getting OW pregnant and now he is not man enough to stand up and take care of his responsibility's. A good man would not have lied to you for 4 years everybody is paying for this but him. You get to wonder what he is going to do, Grandma and everybody else has to make deals to stand by his poor decision and OW plus child need to disappear. What in the heck makes this man so special that everybody but one good friend is doing what ever he wishes.

[Milo12412]

Yes this is all very true but I guess then youse aren't living my life...... It's just not what he wants not his mother, none of them wish to acknowledge her....

 

It's not top of my list but I will go with whatever he chooses so I have to support him, through thick And thin as that would be my worse nightmare for him to have contact and that I wouldn't be involved.....

 

The child or the OW has not been spoken of in I think 6 months since she came to ours and then we had to explain to my parents what had happened, it's like they've dissapeared off face the earth and well we haven't had one argument at all since then, for any reason!!!

 

I know this don't sound justified for what's happening but like I say that's how it is, and I can't force this....I believe I am a food person and therefore can only go with what my H wants to do as its his child not mine.....

 

And yes I shall also be the first to stand by and support him also if it is exposed in years to come or if the daughter comes to find her biological father but as I've read in previous posts here that most ppl don't wish to do that by the time they're older, they feel it's too late

[silvermercy]

Yes this is all very true but I guess then youse aren't living my life...... It's just not what he wants not his mother, none of them wish to acknowledge her....

 

It's not top of my list but I will go with whatever he chooses so I have to support him, through thick And thin as that would be my worse nightmare for him to have contact and that I wouldn't be involved.....

 

The child or the OW has not been spoken of in I think 6 months since she came to ours and then we had to explain to my parents what had happened, it's like they've dissapeared off face the earth and well we haven't had one argument at all since then, for any reason!!!

 

I know this don't sound justified for what's happening but like I say that's how it is, and I can't force this....I believe I am a food person and therefore can only go with what my H wants to do as its his child not mine.....

 

And yes I shall also be the first to stand by and support him also if it is exposed in years to come or if the daughter comes to find her biological father but as I've read in previous posts here that most ppl don't wish to do that by the time they're older, they feel it's too late

Bolded parts.

 

Seriously, this extremely worries me... I'm not even kidding. No wonder he cheated on you and for so long!

You need IC (individual counselling ASAP). And the sooner the better!

[TaraMaiden]

Milo, what I find extremely worrying is that all of our criticism seems to be flying over your head.

We have called out your husband for what he is - but you blindly plod on, framing him in glowing terms and ignoring the facts staring at you right in the eye....

Really - honestly - can you not see how he has manipulated everyone in this to suit his needs?

And that - what is more - it is completely, morally and actually totally wrong??

How can you side with a man who would discard his own child in such a callous and cold-hearted manner?

 

What if - what IF - he had fallen so much in love with her that on finding out she was pregnant - he had left YOU - and treated your daughter in this way?

 

Can you not see that it might have been equally a possibility - given that he cheated on you for most of your married life, and even possibly before that - ?!

How can you passively sit and listen to all of this - and it doesn't affect how you view this man?

he is a badly flawed, narcissistic, egocentric selfish individual.

Everything right now is hunky dory with him - because that's the way he likes it.

What would he say if you were to suggest to him that you contact that woman so that the two daughters could bond and form a relationship, before it becomes difficult and embarrassing?

 

He would go through the roof!

 

WHY???

Because you threaten to reveal his lies!! It would send him into a blind panic because it would bring you closer to discovering what a despicable specimen he is!

[scatterd]

I have to say your pretty determined to make this work Four years is along time to get away with cheating but it happens all the time even longer. Hopefully this little girl will have a good life and maybe someone that will love her like his own. It is so sad when children are involved. The OW has split for now but don't be surprised if she decides to determine paternity for her child. She may want child support.Which she should be entitled to if in fact

that is her father.

Edited January 25, 2013 by scatterd

[Milo12412]

I'm

Not blinded I know what your saying is true and yes to society he is those things......

 

A lot of these things I'm defending because deep down I know you lot are all correct that there'll be more to it than is been offered as in explanations of what happened etc, but I guess the reason I have no interest in what the OW has to say is because it won't change anything, I will stay with him, it won't change our set up so I decided in the beginning there was no point in ever speaking to her nor listening to her version of events as I know I wish to remain married to my H and therefore anything said other than what he's told me will only create issues that are unnecessary as we will remain together matterless so therefore I feel it's easier to believe him now and go with his promise to change because if I don't then I will never begin to trust him will I if I snoop and listen to gossip.... It's easier to believe what he's told me, and attempt to wipe the slate clean and start again

 

With our slate wiped clean also went the OW that's it, his choice, his families choice, I had a choice bring it up every day and live in a marriage with no trust or live with what we have as a family and forget, and I admit it's been easier than I thought, our families and friends have accepted and the trust is back, I feel like we're 17 and in love again, I feel we've rewound 15 years, I'm not sure how ya can move forward if ya bring doubt into the relationship and by listening to other people even if it's the truth over believing what my H says truth or not then How would I have ever started trusting him again? Where would the faith be?