focusing on ME

[ana0pera]

Backstory: For the past two years, ever since I graduated from undergrad and started grad school, my life has been topsy-turvy. I moved cross country leaving behind all of my family and friends. I started a long distance relationship that has just ended. My dissertation project suffered a major blow and I had to change pretty much everything---right after passing my qualification exam, no less. The lab I am in has no money to support my research (fortunately, I myself am funded so I am living very comfortably) and my advisor, I've learned, is crazy.

 

For a while I thought about leaving, but now I realize after talking to scientists at other institutions that I do love science, I just don't like my advisor or fellow lab mates. It would be foolish to leave though because I am about halfway done (God willing) and if I leave I have to start all over again.

 

While in my LDR, I foolishly devoted a lot of time to getting to know my ex and not as much time making friends outside of my department. Now I have some close friends but they live a bit further away at our university's other campus. I also have friends from undergrad who live ~40min north of me in the city. I don't have any real close friend here though.

 

I am not as close to my family as I used to be. I go home and I want to leave right away. I feel like I am trapped (we live in a rural area and when I go home I am basically not able to leave the house since I don't have a car) and even though I am making something of myself I am constantly criticized.

 

I've let myself go a bit because of all these stresses. I have gained some weight. I am tired of being shy, lonely, feeling fat, and unwanted. So I've decided to stop trying to seek validation from others and live my life for myself. I just worry about how to do this. Obviously I need to start exercising if I want to lose weight (I already have a pretty good diet) but I am scared to put myself out there and meet new people (friends and future partners). I would like to be in another relationship but realistically, I don't think I am ready for that emotionally. Part of me wants to distance myself from my family this year, not go home as frequently because of the way they treat me, but I don't want to do something I'd later regret just because I am hurting right now.

 

For anyone who has made a major transformation to themselves (or is in the process of doing that), any tips or precautions to take? I have said that this year would be different but thus far I've just been mopey (still getting over this break-up). how do i pick myself up and move on to make a better me?

[SpiralOut]

I am making major changes in myself. I basically cut myself off from almost all of my friends because they were negative, so I now have none in my city except maybe a few aquaintences. I have distanced myself from my family also, mostly to avoid my mother. The weird thing is that I think by distancing myself from her, I have become closer to other family members even though I don't see them often. I feel like maybe they have more respect for me. Or maybe I just feel better able to be myself when I'm not influenced by my control freak mother. It also seems like I'm starting to attract more positive-minded people, now that I am finding happiness for myself and staying away from those who bring me down.

 

I find it helpful to make a list of things I want to do and start doing them. I also try to not worry about making a mistake or whether or not I am being perfect. Meetups.com is a good place to find groups to join.

 

What do you do for yourself? You should be nice to yourself. Treat yourself to a movie, do your nails, buy good-smelling candles.

Edited January 23, 2013 by SpiralOut

[ana0pera]

I made a list of goals (mostly weightloss oriented) so I am trying to work through those. I've also been working on a 101 in 1001 list for about a year now and I have made some significant progress so this year I am targetting that list and trying to cross off some low hanging fruit. It's interesting because these lists do get edited a bit with time as relationships change, some things you thought you needed to do you realize you no longer need to do. For example, I wanted to try getting closer to some of my cousins, particularly the ones closer to me in age. Well I've tried (not as hard as I could, admittedly) but they are so self-centered, materialistic, and unmotivated that I can't get close to them--at least not right now, and perhaps not within the remaining days of my 1001 challenge. I haven't completely given up on them and my family as a whole, but I think I need space from them. Because family is supposed to build you up but right now they're breaking me down like everyone else is.

 

Thanks for the advice about meetups.com I will definitely check it out! I realize that one of the major sources of sadness in my life is that I don't have many close friends in my current town so no one to really shoot the breeze with or rant with, besides my lab-mates who I also don't like. I just don't like anyone, it seems, but I swear I do! The people around me just have major self-esteem and ego issues.