promises Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 In general I am extremely annoyed with men and the notion of marriage in general. Yes, in particular the XMM. However, most men these days. I've come to the conclusion that xMM is a serial cheater and his W knows this and stays. I've also come to the conclusion that it is all about compartmentalizing and marriage is for security. You can disagree with me, but I am so annoyed right down to the ridiculous diamonds and bands people wear to symbolize they are loved. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 right down to the ridiculous diamonds and bands people wear to symbolize they are loved. They remind me of the nose rings they put on bulls to keep them under control. If I'm not mistaken, I believe that's the reason why marriage was invented in the first place - to discourage those roaming animal instincts and promote a more civilized society for the purpose of providing a stable environment for offspring. I guess it works, for a time. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 In general I am extremely annoyed with men and the notion of marriage in general. Yes, in particular the XMM. However, most men these days. I've come to the conclusion that xMM is a serial cheater and his W knows this and stays. I've also come to the conclusion that it is all about compartmentalizing and marriage is for security. You can disagree with me, but I am so annoyed right down to the ridiculous diamonds and bands people wear to symbolize they are loved. I definitely understand how you're feeling, especially now. Re the bold: I think for many it's true. And also, who is to say that isn't what marriage is intended for? I think that is a HUGE and obvious "pro" of marrying and it's not just about romantic feelings, but people choose it for practical reasons as well, which IMO, isn't a crime. One cannot live on romance and butterflies alone so marriage usually is a social and legal contract to secure other things in life. But I also think in general most people simply are fuddling through relationships, unaware of their own issues, just believing finding a woman/man will solve their problems and don't really know the first thing about sustaining and nurturing a healthy bond. I was that way too and definitely can see how it's not always intent of being malicious or about if one is generally smart or not....but simply ignorance that dictates how relationships go. They are HARD work and it seems most people, married/single/in an A only know how to sustain things when it's happy and relatively easy but cannot when the going gets rough. I think it's normal to be cynical. I don't think anything on earth is "all people", but I do think the number of men/women emotionally mature, self-aware, honest, good communicators, who value fidelity and have the skills to make a relationship work are not in the majority. I personally have accepted this and realize the man "for me" has to be someone who I feel sees things as I do and through his life experiences has come to have a realistic approach towards relationships and a good "relationship ethic". Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 In general I am extremely annoyed with men and the notion of marriage in general. Yes, in particular the XMM. However, most men these days. I've come to the conclusion that xMM is a serial cheater and his W knows this and stays. I've also come to the conclusion that it is all about compartmentalizing and marriage is for security. You can disagree with me, but I am so annoyed right down to the ridiculous diamonds and bands people wear to symbolize they are loved. Hey Promises, I understand your frustration and general relationship (marriage) cynicism. ...It's one of the reasons I hate romantic comedies (idealistic bull****!! ) These feelings come & go (mostly influenced by the stories I see/hear). Vent away Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 In general I am extremely annoyed with men and the notion of marriage in general. Yes, in particular the XMM. However, most men these days. I've come to the conclusion that xMM is a serial cheater and his W knows this and stays. I've also come to the conclusion that it is all about compartmentalizing and marriage is for security. You can disagree with me, but I am so annoyed right down to the ridiculous diamonds and bands people wear to symbolize they are loved. I empathize, but it's a tad hypocritical when you were banking on his marriage failing. Yes, marriage is for stability & security, it looks like it worked in your situation. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 I empathize, but it's a tad hypocritical when you were banking on his marriage failing. Yes, marriage is for stability & security, it looks like it worked in your situation. I wasn't banking on it failing. But, I would argue that it's hardly secure nor stable. Hence my point : It's somewhat of a joke, is it not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 That is OK, you are normal and quite natural in your reactions. Keep writing and one day you will wake up and suddenly realize you are free from all the pain. You will fondly remember the first 24 hours of no pain. It will be an unbelievable experience. It will happen when you least expect it. Did you experience this, Pierre.. The sudden onset of freedom from hypocritical fantasized bs that XMM seems to think is humorous? I think he's a joke. Yes, she is as well. And marriage is playing house with real materials. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 But you WERE banking on it failing. The only reason why you're "annoyed" is because he didn't follow through with divorce. Otherwise, you'd be over the moon. In any case, it's their "joke," their marriage, their life. Consider everything that has happened to be a blessing in disguise. Because I was fogged up in his swift moving lies and ego. Fogs lifted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Aren't you still married Promises? Never been. Never will be. Link to post Share on other sites
egalew Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Feeling a bit the same way, Promises. On a separate note......I recently saw an ad on OK Cupid from a man, whom I know is married. This guy has a picture perfect life: Ivy grad, wife, two kids, lives in a great section of town, etc.... I couldn't help but send him an e-mail. (He was posing as a single man on the site.) He made, what he thought was a "cute remark," dismissing his bad behavior. I was beyond annoyed, knowing a woman could fall for him thinking he was the real deal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 It's a matter of opinion. From your MM's wife point of view it's a great deal, since it let her keep the provider who is going to take care of her and her offspring. Is it sad, does it contradict the romantic notion of 2 people marrying for love and living happily ever after? YES. Have I felt bitter about marriage after my own experience? YES. But you can't generalize from this particular instance. The fact is you were fighting an uphill battle from the start, having a spouse (and kids, in your case, right?) is a HUGE baggage and next time you will know better. You're right that it sucks, he did not have the guts to leave and his marriage is probably a joke at this point. Just leave him to his sad life and do your best to move on.... don't let him drag you down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 It's a matter of opinion. From your MM's wife point of view it's a great deal, since it let her keep the provider who is going to take care of her and her offspring. A provider who is still laughing and lying his way back to their bed and his families good graces? Come on. Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 A provider who is still laughing and lying his way back to their bed and his families good graces? Come on. At least you see him for what he is. Either she doesn't, or she doesn't care as long as he provides for their family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 At least you see him for what he is. Either she doesn't, or she doesn't care as long as he provides for their family. I agree. There should be levels of marriage. Grades, perhaps. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Feeling a bit the same way, Promises. On a separate note......I recently saw an ad on OK Cupid from a man, whom I know is married. This guy has a picture perfect life: Ivy grad, wife, two kids, lives in a great section of town, etc.... I couldn't help but send him an e-mail. (He was posing as a single man on the site.) He made, what he thought was a "cute remark," dismissing his bad behavior. I was beyond annoyed, knowing a woman could fall for him thinking he was the real deal. Ok, I have to know. What could possibly be considered a 'cute' remark dismissing cheating? What did he say?? Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 In general I am extremely annoyed with men and the notion of marriage in general. Yes, in particular the XMM. However, most men these days. I've come to the conclusion that xMM is a serial cheater and his W knows this and stays. I've also come to the conclusion that it is all about compartmentalizing and marriage is for security. You can disagree with me, but I am so annoyed right down to the ridiculous diamonds and bands people wear to symbolize they are loved. Right after D from my xWW - I hated women. Seriously, the lying cheating backstabbing money grubbing' bitches. Good only horizontally. Marriage too. What an outdated unfair overly hyped contrived piece of sentimental BS - and I don't mean betrayed spouse there. Im married again. Ain't life grand? You'll get there promises - keep spitting that venom out and in time you'll change your tune. And when you, I'll gladly quote some of these - just to say I told you so I love saying that. Is there a smugly self-satisfied emoticon here? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Right after D from my xWW - I hated women. Seriously, the lying cheating backstabbing money grubbing' bitches. Good only horizontally. Marriage too. What an outdated unfair overly hyped contrived piece of sentimental BS - and I don't mean betrayed spouse there. Im married again. Ain't life grand? You'll get there promises - keep spitting that venom out and in time you'll change your tune. And when you, I'll gladly quote some of these - just to say I told you so I love saying that. Is there a smugly self-satisfied emoticon here? I hate him. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I am quite fond of my marriage right now. He almost broke it, we are both fixing it and it's beginning to look better - hopefully one day it will be better than ever. But that is is the point IMO, and relationship, marriage included, is a work in progress. I don't want a shiny glossy marriage - I prefer the hard-wearing practical type - the odd scratch and dent isn't the end of the world. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
egalew Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 ThatJustHappened: When I saw the ad, I shot him an e-mail, saying something like: "Does this mean you finally got a divorce?" And he said something like, "Nope. Still waiting for you, or a woman like you...." Thinking he was being clever. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Promises, it is actually a fairly new evolution for marriages to be based on anything other than alliances and money. Even during the Renaissance, and their discussion of romantic love was all about love torn couples, etc. It was never about or towards one's husband or wive. Really not until the turn of the century and the "modern era", did the idea of love and marriage intertwining started to take a focus. Then people started moving towards marrying for/based on romantic love. Now one could argue that with it came a higher rate of divorce, but that is intermingled so much with women's revolution that I think it is falls flat. There were also as many or more "acceptable" avenues for me to cheat and it was not looked at the same way as it is now. Many men were known for seeing prostitutes, etc. and it was men being me. As long as they still provided for their household, took care of their family, etc. where they got sex was a secondary issue. Now women cheating, a whole other ball of wax! But the whole premise of marriage was based on protecting resources and most importantly genetic resources. You did not want to end up helping raise and protect another's genetic line. So you socially lock a woman up with a man, you control her reproductive resources, you protect the man's lineage. Since before genetic testing you couldn't be sure if the child was yours you had to lock the female down to control that. I do think there are pros and cons to marriages that are based on and grow out of a familial decision, where how good the partnership will be, the value it will add to the growing family (based on the elder generations), and alliances/shared resources, etc. A few societies still have forced marriages. Again, it have their pros and cons but the main focus, your spouse has certain expectations to fill but it is never based on the premise that they will fulfill every one of them. That is where the modern look at marriage towards romantic love does tend to fall short. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Hold on...the religious guy had multiple affairs? Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I agree. There should be levels of marriage. Grades, perhaps. Yep. I would grade mine at around 3 out of 10 for its last 3 years... Certainly not above 5 for any significant period of time during that time... even so it took me 3 years to realize it, accept it was not getting any better, and get out... had there been kids involved though there is no doubt in my mind that I would have stayed. I think there is more to marriage than love, but it does feel empty without love. There are some threads on this site about happy, long marriages so I know they are possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 I am quite fond of my marriage right now. He almost broke it, we are both fixing it and it's beginning to look better - hopefully one day it will be better than ever. But that is is the point IMO, and relationship, marriage included, is a work in progress. I don't want a shiny glossy marriage - I prefer the hard-wearing practical type - the odd scratch and dent isn't the end of the world. There is a difference between scratch and dent and continued attempts at scratching elsewhere while glossing up the appearance of not scratching as to sustain the home front. I'm happy your marriage is well. My point is the term marriage is very subjective. Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 But you WERE banking on it failing. The only reason why you're "annoyed" is because he didn't follow through with divorce. Otherwise, you'd be over the moon. In any case, it's their "joke," their marriage, their life. Consider everything that has happened to be a blessing in disguise. This is probably the 1st time I've ever agreed with Alice, but she has a good point. This is a blessing in disguise. It's hard for you to see that right now, but I've been in your shoes, and it does get better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author promises Posted January 22, 2013 Author Share Posted January 22, 2013 Funny, I think the bold is the key part. You are saying now that wedding bands are ridiculous but if he'd given you one you'd be ecstatic and think YOUR marriage was the epitome of perfect. It's just sour grapes that you didn't get what you wanted. Annoyed at him for choosing her, that makes sense. Always appreciate your commentary, MFH. Even when you know nothing about the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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