Why does it bother me when my girlfriend drinks?

[Babolat]

This is just my opinion, but I honestly think you will stress over this until it eats you alive.

 

You and your gf are just too different to get along. You might think you guys fit, but it's obvious that you have an issue that a lot of couples have:

 

You get along when it's just the two of you, but in a social setting, you don't.

 

She's an extrovert and you're an introvert...or at the very least, you are introverted enough to where you are uncomfortable with how outgoing she is.

 

I'm not saying either one of you is at fault...it's just a compatibility issue. How you are able to interact in a social setting is JUST AS IMPORTANT as how you interact when alone.

 

My wife sounds a LOT like your gf. Very hot. Very flirty. Very outgoing. My wife is the biggest extrovert I've ever met. Makes friends everywhere she goes. She's the girl that's dancing up on a stage at a club, drinking til last call, being loud, then trying to have sex with me in a cab on the ride back to our hotel (or wherever we came from).

 

But the difference is...we're both party animals. We both drink til we get **** faced taking turns throwing up in the bathroom, going out every weekend (well...not as much since we have kids now), and having crazy and wild sex in all sorts of different places. We BOTH enjoy the lifestyle and we NEVER want it to stop. And that's why it works for us. We've both told each other that if we weren't together, we'd probably make whoever we were with jealous like crazy because of how we are. But, the bottomline is we can relate to each other, we TRUST each other completely...and that's how it works.

 

Very well said. And you may be right. I do feel the most anxious in a social setting or thinking about a potential social setting with her. To be honest though I have felt this way with past relationships too. It's something I want to work on in my own life, with or without her, as I can feel this when I am out with my buddies, in a meeting at work, etc. .

 

I am closer to an introvert than an extrovert, though I can be very social when I feel comfortable, with or without alcohol. Everyone says I am in extrovert, not shy, but I feel different inside.

 

She actually admits to being shy, and I have seen it, she is sually more conservative around my friends/family. I think she has to work hard to be how she is. She tells me she is very social, she loves a great conversation with anyone, and shes likes it, it turns her on, when she sees me being social. I remember once I was talking to someone in her family about car engines...she later told me how much it turned her on to see me talking like that.

 

I do think drinking helps her be more social and I also think she has had a lot of bonding experiences with friends while drinking, as we do tend to let our guards down a bit when we are intoxicated, share more if you will.

 

Last night did not make sense to me. We stayed in. She drank almost 3 glasses of wine in under 2 hours, she got very frisky with me in the middle, she had a good buzz, said we were going to do this and that sexually later, grabbing my crotch, rubbing me (her teen daugher was home so it only went so far in the kitchen) though once the buzz wore off that "person" went away.It feels odd to me then as I am wired up, ready to go, and she is not.

Edited January 28, 2013 by Babolat

[KungFuJoe]

Very well said. And you may be right. I do feel the most anxious in a social setting or thinking about a potential social setting with her. To be honest though I have felt this way with past relationships too. It's something I want to work on in my own life, with or without her, as I can feel this when I am out with my buddies, in a meeting at work, etc. .

 

I am closer to an introvert than an extrovert, though I can be very social when I feel comfortable, with or without alcohol. Everyone says I am in extrovert, not shy, but I feel different inside.

 

She actually admits to being shy, and I have seen it, she is sually more conservative around my friends/family. I think she has to work hard to be how she is. She tells me she is very social, she loves a great conversation with anyone, and shes likes it, it turns her on, when she sees me being social. I remember once I was talking to someone in her family about car engines...she later told me how much it turned her on to see me talking like that.

 

I do think drinking helps her be more social and I also think she has had a lot of bonding experiences with friends while drinking, as we do tend to let our guards down a bit when we are intoxicated, share more if you will.

 

Last night did not make sense to me. We stayed in. She drank almost 3 glasses of wine in under 2 hours, she got very frisky with me in the middle, she had a good buzz, said we were going to do this and that sexually later, grabbing my crotch, rubbing me (her teen daugher was home so it only went so far in the kitchen) though once the buzz wore off that "person" went away.It feels odd to me then as I am wired up, ready to go, and she is not.

 

I can relate to your last paragraph. My wife is VERY sexually aggressive when she's drunk. Moreso than any other woman I've been with. But, when she's sober, she's more passive and submissive. Myself, I'm not that much different drunk or sober. I'm a bit more aggressive, but not that much more so.

 

I've had talks with her and long discussions trying to analyze why she is the way she is...and the final "diagnosis" was....that's just who she is. Everyone is different. We could not correlate her "ways" due to any issues or hang ups or whatever. She doesn't have any hang ups about sex...she's not what you'd call shy or demure. She talks sexually a lot (jokingly and seriously) whether sober or drunk. She doesn't think sex is "bad" or anything like that. It's just alcohol makes her a LOT more aggressive...and that's what drugs will do to you...it will alter your "characteristics".

 

I really wouldn't put much "weight" into the fact that she's more sexual when drunk. I actually asked this question in the sex forum and a lot of men and women mentioned that they go from "tame pussycat" to "wild tiger" after a few drinks.

[Babolat]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

Your comment is something that concerns me too; when she goes out drinking and I am not with her, where does that intoxicated sexual energy go? On 4-5 occassions since we have met she has spent the night with friends when she went out drinking; on 2 occassions with one of her male good friends and their were other friends there.

 

I have met him, she tells me is like a brother to her, and I see that from her, yet men are men, like your wife she is a hottie, and I just think about "what if", not from her, but from them or from another dude that shows up for the party.

 

She tells me to trust her, that she knows what she is doing and she knows how to monitor her drinking in situations like that. I do trust her, but man it's hard knowin your hot and sext GF is out partying and guys are having the thoughts guys will have.

 

We did talk about our social lifestyle difference and we both agree it's a big difference. The solution we agreed to is I do not have to go with her all the time and I can say "No". I am working on being comfortable enough to say No verus always feeling like I have to be there with her. And, I do want to go out more, I have a great time when I can let go of my "issues". The concern for me is frequency, which she states she is making compromises on too as she wants to spend time with me and is saying No to her friends sometimes.

[pteromom]

Almost everyone drinks. I do, sometimes too much. Not often though. Yes, I do think she has a dependency on alcohol and yes she probably does have low self-worth...I probably do too.

 

This comment cemented my hunch, which is that you are using your gf as a mirror of your own issues. You share her low self-worth, you don't agree with how she handles it, yet you find yourself doing the same thing, even though it is not who you want to be.

 

If you think drinking is at odds with your true self, you need to stop doing it.

 

And if your GF's lifestyle doesn't fit the lifestyle you want, it's time to walk away.

Edited January 28, 2013 by pteromom

[Babolat]

This comment cemented my hunch, which is that you are using your gf as a mirror of your own issues. You share her low self-worth, you don't agree with how she handles it, yet you find yourself doing the same thing, even though it is not who you want to be.

 

If you think drinking is at odds with your true self, you need to stop doing it.

 

And if your GF's lifestyle doesn't fit the lifestyle you want, it's time to walk away.

 

You make a good point here.

 

Yes, I do have low self worth and it's something I am working on. And yes, so does she.

 

I have never turned to alcohol or drugs though as a fix, cure, cover up, mask or anything like that. I do not drink a lot. Before I met her, maybe, maybe a couple of beers with the guys every few weekends. I do not drink alone at my house and when i do go out I limit my drinking to 2-3 beers.

 

Since we have been together I am drinking a little more, and on one occassion I got pretty drunk. When I said "I do, sometimes too much. Not often though", I can count on two hands the number of times I have been messed up drunk and I am in my mid forties.

 

I will not deny that there is alcoholism in my family and, when I do drink, I catch myself wanting to drink more though i will stop.

[KungFuJoe]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

Your comment is something that concerns me too; when she goes out drinking and I am not with her, where does that intoxicated sexual energy go? On 4-5 occassions since we have met she has spent the night with friends when she went out drinking; on 2 occassions with one of her male good friends and their were other friends there.

 

I have met him, she tells me is like a brother to her, and I see that from her, yet men are men, like your wife she is a hottie, and I just think about "what if", not from her, but from them or from another dude that shows up for the party.

 

She tells me to trust her, that she knows what she is doing and she knows how to monitor her drinking in situations like that. I do trust her, but man it's hard knowin your hot and sext GF is out partying and guys are having the thoughts guys will have.

 

We did talk about our social lifestyle difference and we both agree it's a big difference. The solution we agreed to is I do not have to go with her all the time and I can say "No". I am working on being comfortable enough to say No verus always feeling like I have to be there with her. And, I do want to go out more, I have a great time when I can let go of my "issues". The concern for me is frequency, which she states she is making compromises on too as she wants to spend time with me and is saying No to her friends sometimes.

 

It basically comes down to what you're comfortable with and not comfortable with.

 

For instance...I would NOT be comfortable with my wife spending the night anywhere after getting drunk. There is a difference between trusting your wife when she's sober and NOT trusting someone else when she's too drunk to defend herself.

[Babolat]

It basically comes down to what you're comfortable with and not comfortable with.

 

For instance...I would NOT be comfortable with my wife spending the night anywhere after getting drunk. There is a difference between trusting your wife when she's sober and NOT trusting someone else when she's too drunk to defend herself.

 

I hear you...it's a tough one for me.

 

This is very normal for her, done it most of her life; go out, drink too much, go back to a friends house to sleep. She even plans for it in advance.

 

I will give her credit, she is a responsbile drinker, no DUIs, will not drive her car, gets a cab with friends, etc. And the more I get to know her and her friends the more comfortable I am with it...just still nips at me as it's something I have never done.

[Babolat]

KungFuJoe, does your wife go out with friends, and get drunk? if yes, do you offer to pick her up or tell her to get a cab home?

 

Or does she just go out with you?

[subliminal]

man, i have been in a similar situation. i am a lot like you in a lot of ways. it sounds to me like you are a little insecure and a little too uptight. this type of woman needs a confident man who knows how to handle her. if i were you i might consider taking to a psychiatrist to see if you could try meds or something to help you mellow out and not be so uptight. alcohol can be used the same way to self medicate. if youre like me you dont like the whole being dependent on any meds or substance so it may sound threatening to even consider it. bottom line is you have to quit "nagging" at her and stop making her feel like she has to be controlled into any situation, but if you cant deal with her and feel as she is disrespecting your feelings you may wanna truly step back. she may also feel disrespected? the best thing to do is focus on you and possibly try getting involved with a church or something positive where you can both lead by example and possibly meet someone if it hits the fan.

idk im just saying what i did and what helped me and ultimately got me past a relationship very similar to yours only way more toxic. i still have struggles in my new relationship but my partner has been very supportive of me and my comfort level and is a way better match.

 

idk if i could handle my woman being out drunk with friends and not comming home? guy or girl, i see it as wreckless behavior and my fiance would agree whole heartedly. idk how serious you two are but her and i live together and either one of us like the thought of the other not being in the same bed at night. we trust each other to not be and we both could, but we just dont do it because we dont want to. hope this helps man, i feel you on alot of your struggles.

[KungFuJoe]

KungFuJoe, does your wife go out with friends, and get drunk? if yes, do you offer to pick her up or tell her to get a cab home?

 

Or does she just go out with you?

 

We mostly go out together but if I stay home to watch the kids or for some reason can't go, then I make sure one of her friends (or even her) is the designated driver...and I tell her that worst case scenario, call me at ANY TIME, if everyone is too drunk to drive.

 

But here's one thing I have to mention.

 

All the people that we go out with or used to go out with...I trusted completely. In fact, a lot of my wife's girlfriends were actually MY friends first. The rest she had known since high school or her sisters/cousin/brother. And we all partied together so I knew there was always someone I could trust. But, of course, above all, I trusted my gf/wife.

[Babolat]

[quote=

All the people that we go out with or used to go out with...I trusted completely. In fact, a lot of my wife's girlfriends were actually MY friends first. The rest she had known since high school or her sisters/cousin/brother. And we all partied together so I knew there was always someone I could trust. But, of course, above all, I trusted my gf/wife.

 

Well, this is her too. She parties with old high school friends, good friends made in her adult life, family, etc. I do trust them and I do trust her. She tells me they all look out for each other and take care of each other. I have been ouit with some of them and I do see this.

[Babolat]

man, i have been in a similar situation. i am a lot like you in a lot of ways. it sounds to me like you are a little insecure and a little too uptight. this type of woman needs a confident man who knows how to handle her. if i were you i might consider taking to a psychiatrist to see if you could try meds or something to help you mellow out and not be so uptight. alcohol can be used the same way to self medicate. if youre like me you dont like the whole being dependent on any meds or substance so it may sound threatening to even consider it. bottom line is you have to quit "nagging" at her and stop making her feel like she has to be controlled into any situation, but if you cant deal with her and feel as she is disrespecting your feelings you may wanna truly step back. she may also feel disrespected? the best thing to do is focus on you and possibly try getting involved with a church or something positive where you can both lead by example and possibly meet someone if it hits the fan.

idk im just saying what i did and what helped me and ultimately got me past a relationship very similar to yours only way more toxic. i still have struggles in my new relationship but my partner has been very supportive of me and my comfort level and is a way better match.

 

idk if i could handle my woman being out drunk with friends and not comming home? guy or girl, i see it as wreckless behavior and my fiance would agree whole heartedly. idk how serious you two are but her and i live together and either one of us like the thought of the other not being in the same bed at night. we trust each other to not be and we both could, but we just dont do it because we dont want to. hope this helps man, i feel you on alot of your struggles.

 

Thanks, I actually do see a psychiatrist every 2-3 months and I am on some anti-anxiety medication, very low does per my Dr. This pre-dates meeting her. And I am like you, I hate taking meds.

 

We have talked about my feelings, she is not disrespecful in any way, quite the opposite actually, she is very cool about it all. I am trying to work on me, get mor einvolved in volunteer work, spending time with my friends, etc. She has actually taking me to her church 4-5 times, which I like. It's usually me grumbling on Sunday about going.

 

The last time she went out drinking heavy, which was in Decemeber, and stayed the night with a friend, I did offer for her to come over to my place before I went home that night (they were hitting a club so I went home). She said she does not like or want to come "home" if you will (we do not live together) drunk and wake me up. She said there is nothing worse than one being drunk and the other not. She also said she did not want to wake me up. Her friend got a cab for the group (to and from), the cab took them back to his place, they all crashed there. She thought it made better sense.

Edited February 1, 2013 by Babolat

[Feelin Frisky]

When I am with her and watch her as she drinks more and more, she gets more flirty, more assertive, dances more, gets more touchy feely, acts a little wilder and a bit irresponsible.

 

It's been quite a while since I posted on this thread the first time. I very sympathetic--it's a reckless, unflattering, over-indulgence in an intoxicant. How can that possibly be a good thing. You're maturing and it standing out more that this kind of behavior is immature and to be a little scientific about it, unsustainable. She is what I call "in the life"--that means there's a cycle of compulsion at work where it's only a matter of time before it just repeats. Apparently she's not at the stage yet where she sees it as low class way to behave much less an unhealthful or wholly self-indulgent. When someone is "in the life" they are way in it an it takes a lot for them to first see it as bad and then fight their way out. Some don't make it. If you say anything will it appear like you're coming out of left field to ruin her fun? Or does she already know it's concerning you? If you don't want to enable an alcoholic and live with someone who is swallowed by their own self deceit, you may have to face moving on. Good luck.

[subliminal]

it just sounds like you are outgrowing her ad she is not really ready for what you need from her. i think i would take a step back emotionally, at the very least and consider opening up the relationship to see other people, women friends in particular. tell her its not that you intend on going out with a bunch of women and all that but maybe if you are both free to do so you both might be able to see if she can be in your shoes. it might seem like youre playing games but i see it as totally fair since she does. thats win win, you could either get her to realize that shes kinda wreckless, or realize that you can do way better. its not always about looks, im sure shes hot and every guy wants to nail her, but if its an ego boost youre after, you need a woman on your emotional level who is ready to be more into you and the relationship at home. id chalk it up as more of a fwb situation. that doesnt mean you have to see other people, just that youre taking the emotional part out of it. that sounds like what she wants.

[subliminal]

 

The last time she went out drinking heavy, which was in Decemeber, and stayed the night with a friend, I did offer for her to come over to my place before I went home that night (they were hitting a club so I went home). She said she does not like or want to come "home" if you will (we do not live together) drunk and wake me up. She said there is nothing worse than one being drunk and the other not. She also said she did not want to wake me up. Her friend got a cab for the group (to and from), the cab took them back to his place, they all crashed there. She thought it made better sense.

 

dude, after re reading that i seriously think she wants her cake and to eat it too. start hanging out with other chicks and keep it on a friendhip level only but man ive been in your exact shoes in a past relationship, i caught her cheating with said "plutonic friend" not once but twice before i finally confronted her. bottom line is you have to man up and stop hanging up over this chick. be fully prepared to move on. you are both independent of each other so be glad and open yourself up to detaching yourself emotionally. id bet as soon as you do, she starts to evaluate the situation and will either bail or start to realize what she had and be willing to fix herself. go find some female friends mn, even if its your buddy's wives and you go about it with your buddy's maybe letting you go out with them and their wives to talk and be social

[KungFuJoe]

"She said she does not like or want to come "home" if you will (we do not live together) drunk and wake me up"

 

Yeah...I don't exactly like the sound of that.

[subliminal]

"She said she does not like or want to come "home" if you will (we do not live together) drunk and wake me up"

 

Yeah...I don't exactly like the sound of that.

 

yea, thats a cop out for "youre not giving me what i want so im gonna lie and get it from someone else that my friends cover for me so i can" i know it seems a bit crazy but id investigate without being totally weird about it. figure out a way to verify these overnights, but then again its like a double edged sword. you want to trust her but the fact is she uses a double standard against you. if you investigate, youre psycho, yet she is doing exactly what a person who cheats does. im sorry man, but you really need to man up and just be ready to walk away. bang her and have fun but detach emotionally and stop caring so much. if its not going where you want it to, its time to go man. if you think its worth working on, you both need to establish boundaries, something an independent woman does not like one bit!

[Got it]

Do you think it is a Madonna/whore complex. What attracted you in the beginning, the naughtier side of her, now as your significant other is too tawdry than what you consider respectable?

[KungFuJoe]

Do you think it is a Madonna/whore complex. What attracted you in the beginning, the naughtier side of her, now as your significant other is too tawdry than what you consider respectable?

 

I, for one, think this is a big factor.

 

I think a LOT of men suffer from this actually.

[Babolat]

We went out to a bar Friday night to see a band I wanted to see. She actually wanted to stay in and have a quiet night. She is a trooper type so we went out, no discussion about it, she said "lets go!" . We had a great time, dancing, playing pool. drinking, but not to excess. We closed the bar down.

 

I had a good buzz and so did she.

 

Saturday night, no drinking, just stayed in.

 

Sunday night, no drinking, stayed in again.

 

What's strange is after a certain point on Friday night, when she was getting a little flirty with me and I could tell she had a good buzz going, I started having that same feeling, even though "I" was drinking just as much. Up until then we had a blast, singing together, dancing, just having fun. I looked at it different versus getting all weird, and things went well.

 

On the female friend comments, I have found myself talking more and more to one particular female freiend. I have shared this with my girlfriend too and she is fine with it.

 

To the Madonna comment, I have thought about this too. This weekend she was particularly frisky, horney if you will, and assertive with me. I am not use to this from previous relationships. She was even talking about new toys we can buy together, lingerie, she wants to learn how to dance/strip for me....I do have an initial "she is a tramp" thought though I am starting to replace this with "wow, how lucky am I, she is into sex as much as I am". We even talked about our fantasies this weekend, which no woman has ever done with me. We discovered we share the same fantasy!

 

Yeah, there is a lot going on here. I do trust her. I do not think she has or would cheat on me.

[Babolat]

If you say anything will it appear like you're coming out of left field to ruin her fun? Or does she already know it's concerning you? If you don't want to enable an alcoholic and live with someone who is swallowed by their own self deceit, you may have to face moving on. Good luck.

 

We have talked about how I feel about her drinking so she knows. She says she has plans to slow down, she has slowed down a lot of the past 10 years (hearing her stories she has, a lot). I use to talk about it all the time and as she put it it started to overwhelm her; she felt like all we did was talk about her.

 

When I took a step back she was right, I had become obsessed with it. I have stopped, realizing she is who she is, and our relationship has gotten better. I am trying to detach myself from the feeling, from the emotion I feel when she drinks. I have noticed she has slowed down with her drinking AND smoking. She smokes when she drinks. I was starting to notice her smoking more and more, yet over the past 5+ weeks she has cut way back on her smoking, and sometimes not smoking at all.

[Babolat]

yea, thats a cop out for "youre not giving me what i want so im gonna lie and get it from someone else that my friends cover for me so i can" i know it seems a bit crazy but id investigate without being totally weird about it. figure out a way to verify these overnights, but then again its like a double edged sword. you want to trust her but the fact is she uses a double standard against you. if you investigate, youre psycho, yet she is doing exactly what a person who cheats does. im sorry man, but you really need to man up and just be ready to walk away. bang her and have fun but detach emotionally and stop caring so much. if its not going where you want it to, its time to go man. if you think its worth working on, you both need to establish boundaries, something an independent woman does not like one bit!

 

I hear you. The night in question she invited me out with her friends. I went out for a while and then went home. So she does include me. I do not believe she has a plan to end up back at a room and cheat on me. If I had gone with her until the end of the night we would have ended up back at my house. And, she does this with her feamle friends to. She has spent nights with them or in some cases been out of town with them and gotten a hotel room together.

 

And you are 100% right about boundaries and I have been thinking about this. I need to spend some time writing out my boundaries and then share them with her.

[Babolat]

Ended the relationship, just became too much for me to deal with. Thanks for all the feedback here.