Wife is confusing me!!!

[Moose]

Ok, last night I had the boys burn the trash, ( We normally burn since we can ). While I was fixing supper I noticed one of the bins was close to the fire. It looked from the window that it was on fire. So I asked the boys to go check on it. Well, my daughter ran out there and quickly came back and told me the wheel was on fire. So I told, very loudly, one of the boys to get out there and put it out. Noone was in a very big hurry, so I yelled, "RUN, DON'T WALK!!!"

 

My wife is on the couch watching funniest videos and looks over towards me and says, "It's not that big of a deal", that really ticked me off!!! It is a big deal, to me it's a piece of equipment we use a lot. This esculated to her saying that I was yelling at the kids.....I wasn't meaning to sound like I was mad, I was more desperate to get the thing put out. Chris was trying to unwrap the garden hose and it was getting tankled even worse, so I grabbed it out of his hands and sprayed water in a cooler, took it up to the fire and put it out myself.

 

The way that she said it was no big deal in front of the kids is why noone was in a hurry to put it out. That really ticked me off and so after the excitement was over, I just glared at her when I came back in. Of course she copped an attitude with me and asked why I was glaring at her like that. I told her it's pretty obvious why. I wasn't in the mood to try to explain why I was so ticked.....so she started bringing things up. That got me even more upset with her. To make a long story short, we wound up yelling at each other, (Not in front of the kids), about the little things that tick us off.

 

I called her this morning to apologize for being such a jerk to her, but she didn't apologize to me at all. She says that lately she doesn't know what I want from her. I told her I didn't want anything if she couldn't see why I was so upset last night. I mean, lately she has been letting messes pile up and I told her about that while I had her on the phone. She said that she knows about those messes and that I get to them before she can. Well, to me that's just putting off work that needs to be done when she sees it. Not when she gets around to it or is she just waiting until I tackle it?

 

I can't stand a messy house, there are 7 of us that live there. There is no reason what so ever that the house should be in a mess. She keeps making feel like I'm the one who's in the wrong all the time and she rarely admits that she does things wrong.

 

She keeps telling me that she's trying to let me have more control over the house and with the kids. But......when I try to express the things that I feel need to be adressed, she shoots me down and says I'm wrong. I don't get it!!!!

She is a control freak, and she's admitted this. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past that has ruined any credibility with my family, and I've been trying to make up for it and put my foot down in some situations only to get shot down by her or I get snide remarks from my kids. I'm almost to the point to where I'm going to give up, and not do anything at all.

 

I love my wife and family with all of my heart. But sometimes I think I'll never regain the repect of her or the kids again. So, should I just lay down and give up the fight? I'm tired of feeling like I'll never have a say in anything again, should I just tell them all I give up and they can have the house and everything in it, just give me a room to live in and they'll never have to talk to me or even see me again? Sometimes I have no clue what I'm even there for except to pay the bills and buy the food. We are usually a loving couple, but lately I feel so small and not worth anything to her. What should I do?

[amer]

Come on Moose, are you dreamin'?

 

You put 7 bodies in a single residence, most of them children, you have critical mass for mess.

 

Yes, you can be orderly--to a point.

 

You have got to be a little less rigid about this with your wife.

 

Adn as far as trash burning and putting out the predictable equipment damage goes, this is your failing!

 

Why is a fire allowed to burn unattended?

 

And also, if I reach back to my boy scout training, you need to be prepared!

 

Have a water bucket and a sand bucket at teh site of the trash fire at all times.

 

And you must have instructed all in teh family on how to douse a trash fire, right?

 

BTW, just how old are your children that you have in charge of burning trash but not prepared to put it out?

[DazednConfused]

Hi Moose,

 

Dude,

I haven't a clue what a guy like you could do to lose credibility with your wife and kids, most of your views are pretty straight forward, and your outlook on life seems pretty solid. (Unless you are a closet cross-dressing hemophiliac crackhead who lives for porn and puts razors in halloween candy) Honestly, I am not sure I want to know anymore, lol.

 

I do think it is important to realize that you and your wife are different people. Her "clutter tolerance" is obviously higher than yours. Her priorities also differ some from yours in that she doesn't like to sweat the small stuff; you do. So step yourself back a couple of steps and see what is going on.... Quite possibly it is just a minor priority gap.

 

Your kids are growing up too. The thing with kids and all of us for that matter is that they don't learn to jump on responsibilities until they see the consequences of failure. They don't do something, and you jump on it and take care of it.... problem solved in their eyes. One of your boys forgets to take the garbage to the curb? Instead of running out in your undies as the truck barrels down the street, leave it. When those cans stink to high heaven and they are complaining; "It was Chuckie's job to get the garbage to the curb, complain to him." I am just saying, let them have the consequences. If they miss a chore on their list, dock their allowance or spending money appropriately.

 

As far as respect that you believe you have lost; you can only regain that by example. If you want something done that is not on the kids' chore list, just do it and don't make a big deal. If you can't, hiresomebody to do it, and still don't make a big deal. Being quietly effective breeds way more respect than complaining and berating.

 

Hang in there my friend!

 

-Dazed

[Moose]

amer,

 

The two boys are 16 and 14 and very smart. Yes, I agree that part of that was my doing, but the point is they didn't take it seriously because of what their mother said to me.

 

I'm not dreaming about having a tidy house. Maybe I don't have the tolerance for messes like she does, but I see no excuse why when a mess is made that it isn't cleaned up for months.

 

We have a lot of acreage, you could burn a warehouse down on it without worries. I take it you live in the city.

 

Dazed,

 

It's a long story. I've been a problem drinker for years and have gotten into some legal woes. I've been to rehab and cleaned my self up. Yes, I'm thinking with a clear head now and I haven't been for over 20 years. My kids saw what I used to be like and they're expecting me to fall again. Of course I don't plan to but we all make mistakes. Thanks for the kind words, I'll take your advice.

 

Anybody else have any questions?

[amer]

Hey, if you are out West you should too be attending your trash fires no matter how many acres you own.

 

 

If you worry about equipment damage during a trash fire, well, why not place that equipment further away from flames on your vast acreage?

 

Just so you clarify, are you saying that the "messes" in teh house have been there for months and you expect everyone else to clean it up but yourself?

 

Are you calling disorganized clutter someone else's problem in your house of 7 people?

 

Like I said before, I am from a family of 11 kids, make that 13 in the household.

 

Everyone contributes to messmaking and everyone contrinbutes to mess cleanup in varying levels.

 

Adults in the family, the ones who created the mess in the first place, have first responsibility for solving the mess problem.

 

That doesn't mean always being the cleaner upper.

 

 

I'd bet my hind teeth that your wife with what you think is slovenly standards is working far more hours a day cleaning than you are.

 

Be honest, is this true?

[DazednConfused]

Almost forgot....

 

"Wife is Confusing me...."

 

 

HA! Join the club sir!

[Matilda]

Moose,

 

You remind me a lot of myself in some ways. The very thing that I love most about my husband, is also the thing that drives me crazy! My husband is a very calm and quiet guy. When we were first married, I used to get in a pissy mood and try to pick a fight with him, and couldn't do it. He just would not be baited. He is also very quiet, and I feel like I am the one who does all the work conversationally. He will answer any question I ask, and talk about it, but I have to ask the questions.

 

Anyway, I am so grateful he is a calm and rational man. My first husband had a bad temper and was abusive. We also have had a hard time with our children. I have a daughter from my first marriage, who is quite headstrong. I also had problems with infertility and miscarriages. And the latest struggle has been my son's disability.

 

I still feel blessed that my husband is so reliable, but sometimes I feel like I am the one who carries the full burden of deciding the best course for the children. I am the one who works to keep our marriage interesting and vital, although he does contribute, and I know he feels it is important too. Of course, my husband is the one who bears the full financial responsibility for our family.

 

I think the thing about your wife that has helped your marriage to survive your drinking problems, is the thing that's driving you crazy now. That is her tolerance. She tolerated your problems for a long time I gather. Does that mean you must pay a price for her tolerance? No, but you must realize that this is the personality characteristic that has kept her with you.

 

We all need to make compromises in marriages, and learn to accept faults in our spouses, in order to enjoy their strengths. From your past postings, I know you know this, you just need a little reminding right now.

[meanon]

Sorry if this is stating the obvious, Moose, but you need to stop telling her what she's done wrong (most people deflect criticism) and instead explain how what she did/said made you feel. If she knew she most probably wouldn't do it. It may be that some of your reaction is not justified and this approach is more likely to prompt her to tell you this. Explain the bigger picture too - the need to prove yourself and not feeling worthy. It's important that she knows. If she felt that way, wouldn't you want to know?

[johan]

Moose,

 

So you screwed up in the past. You aren't screwing up right now.

 

Maybe you could try not to respond to them emotionally when things like this come up. I don't think you should tolerate disrespect, but you could respond to it more matter-of-factly. As if you respect yourself too much to let the past mess up your present. And as if you know you're never going to let all that stuff happen ever again. Maybe they would start to follow your example.

 

I don't know if you can "act" like that if you don't really just feel that way. I'm not good at that. But if you don't feel that way, then I'd wonder if you aren't just as hard on yourself about it as they are. I think it's true that they'll be mad at you about it for as long as you let them be.

 

Those are my thoughts.

 

J

[Moose]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I didn't really have a chance to talk to anyone last night, (Open house at school for the boys, then football!!! YEAH!!!). But, I've been thinking about your responses.

 

Amer;

 

Hey, if you are out West you should too be attending your trash fires no matter how many acres you own

 

Very true, we do. We make sure that we can see the fire out of the back pavillion......we aren't uncivilized.....we have controlled burns yearly and we know what we are doing. The equipment was placed too close by the boys.....they made a mistake, no use in crying about it now, they know and have apologized for the damage.

 

Just so you clarify, are you saying that the "messes" in teh house have been there for months and you expect everyone else to clean it up but yourself?

 

Everyone, (Myself included), has their chores on the family chore chart that are to be done daily. The remaining messes are ones that aren't listed. The mess I was refering to was loose trash behind and around the guest bathroom tiolet, and has been back there for weeks. I cleaned it up myself because I hardley go in there and it was something I noticed the last couple of times I have been in there. The kids use that particular bathroom daily and my wife goes in there to help the girls with their bath. It was then that my wife said, "I was about to get to that, you beat me to it", which seems to be the case with all the other little piles of mess I get to. I'm not trying to brag, I just think you don't know the whole picture. I not only bring home the bacon, I fry it up and I still have as many chores on the chart as anyone else, plus I maintain 3 acres surrounding the house to golf course standards.

 

I'd bet my hind teeth that your wife with what you think is slovenly standards is working far more hours a day cleaning than you are.

 

Be honest, is this true?

 

I hope you have a decent dental plan. Just joking, but if you read above you'll see it isn't the case. My wife spends most of the day helping her sister-in-law or visiting her mom, or a lot of times she's at Church helping out with various activities. Today she's actually just going to go home and relax....she deserves it plus she's been feeling ill.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. But to me it sounds like you're trying to point out all the things that I'm doing wrong as far as using my common sense. I appreciate you're comments, but you're missing the entire picture. It doesn't have anything to do with how my house is ran. It has everything to do with, "The pecking order", in the home.

 

Matilda,

 

I think the thing about your wife that has helped your marriage to survive your drinking problems, is the thing that's driving you crazy now. That is her tolerance. She tolerated your problems for a long time I gather. Does that mean you must pay a price for her tolerance? No, but you must realize that this is the personality characteristic that has kept her with you.

 

WOW!!! I never thought of it that way!!! Thank you SOOOOO much!! My question now is, how will this change as we change, or should I say, I change? Will she be able to see where I'm coming from with these issues? Will this change cause her to no longer desire to be with me? What can I do on my end to make the transition less painfull or more tolerable on both ends? Man, you opened my eyes a lot....Thanks!!!

 

Meanon,

 

Sorry if this is stating the obvious, Moose, but you need to stop telling her what she's done wrong (most people deflect criticism) and instead explain how what she did/said made you feel. If she knew she most probably wouldn't do it. It may be that some of your reaction is not justified and this approach is more likely to prompt her to tell you this. Explain the bigger picture too - the need to prove yourself and not feeling worthy. It's important that she knows. If she felt that way, wouldn't you want to know?

 

Please don't apologize, you are absolutley right! I need to start looking at things a little more objectively. The problem with me is that I'm quick to point out what's wrong instead of taking the time to examine the problem and find the root of it. This is laziness on my part and old habits are hard to break. I'm going to have to remind myself to take my time with things like this. Thanks!!

 

Johan,

 

Maybe you could try not to respond to them emotionally when things like this come up. I don't think you should tolerate disrespect, but you could respond to it more matter-of-factly. As if you respect yourself too much to let the past mess up your present. And as if you know you're never going to let all that stuff happen ever again. Maybe they would start to follow your example.

 

I understand what you mean. The problem is that it's hard for them to read my mind and to understand that Daddy isn't ever going back to his old life AGAIN. The older kids are expecting it to happen. It's almost the same, "cry wolf", story with them. They aren't going to take my word for it and I don't expect them to, really. That's why I get short with them because I already know I'll never allow myself to slip up again. The younger kids are just following the, "Yeah, whatever you say Dad", mentallity as the older kids. It's hard to gain their respect when you never really had a grasp on it to begin with.

 

It's obvious by all of your responses that I have a long road ahead of me. And any more advice any of you can come up with will be a huge help for me. I think it's wonderful to have a site like this to help people like me out.....and I'm sure in some way we will all feel rewarded helping each other out.

 

Thanks again!!

[VivianLee]

Moose,

First of all, you and your wife need to have a joined front for the kids, in other words, she (nor you) should ever contradict each other in front of the kids. Calmly talk to her about this some time soon..

 

As far as you being an alcoholic in the past, they really all need to attend Alnon (sp?)...this is like AA for families. It's very good for them and for you.

 

If you have lost their trust over the years, it may take time, I wish a magic wand could be raised and all trust would be restored. However, you are their father and they need to respect you plus you are sober now.

 

I'm proud of you for turning your life around! I know it's not easy!!

 

Viv

[amer]

So you believe as the "man" you are the head of the household and everyone ought to jump?

 

That kind of respect gets earned. Especially when something may have stopped it in its tracks.

 

 

the thing about messes in a house and kids, lots of kids in the house, is that it is a daily struggle. It is not something learned once and implemented in military fashion.

 

Your job chart may need tuning. Can you rotate the chores?

 

I am trying to get you to add a little common sense to your directives.

[RowanRavyn]

Moose,

 

I think you are one of the most sincere people I have ever seen. I commend you on that.

 

However, I want to point out a few things. Your drinking is in the past (GOOD FOR YOU!). The decay in your home didn't happen overnight and its going to take time for things to shift. Especially with those boys. Your wife, it sounds like, has been in charge of the children totally during the time you were drinking heavily.

 

Boys will often shift to a protective mode over their mothers, especially when they see that dad is less than active in the picture (For whatever reason). It is going to take time and consistency for their attitude to change. They are also going to have to see that you and your wife are capable now of handling issues between yourselves. You can't erase the past, but being children, they are going to use it as a measure for everything you do for the rest of your life.

 

When we make choices in our lives, we have to live with the consequences. Even if we later make better choices, the old consequences still hang around.

 

When a woman is in stay at home mode, she is often at the mercy of everyones criticism. The church thinks she should have plenty of free time for them, family assumes that stay at home means she is free to be at their beck and call, her husband will often have standards that she struggles to meet, her children have demands, and then somewhere down at the bottom are her needs. You learn to tune out certain things, and other things distract you even when you have the best of intentions. You will think , "Oh, I will get that in a second." Then the phone rings, someone drops by, a booboo needs kissing, there is dinner to cook, the husband needs attention. Next thing you know, you have forgotten. Then it starts over.

 

I also wonder if there is anyone on the chore list that is in charge of that bathroom's clean up on a regular basis. If this is the case, they should be responsible for random bits of cleaning through the week. With your family, you even have enough to rotate daily who does a bathroom inspection.

 

My honey and my kids are MESSY!! I can't stand random messiness it puts my mind in a state of chaos (which is probably due to ten years of conditioning.). So, we compromise. We all agree that for hygiene sake the bathroom and kitchen must be clean and clutter free. For my minds sake the living room/dining area need to be clutter free (or as much as possible). I don't fuss much about their room, and the area around his desk is HIS. The rest of the bedroom is community space and is kept neat.

 

The real thing is to find a workable solution, and keep being consistent. You might not hear it, but over time if you are consistent, your sons will go from a "yeah, my old man will screw up sooner or later" to telling their kids "Grandpa and I didn't always get along when I was a kid, but he changed his whole life because he loved us so much."

 

Peace

[Moose]

Originally posted by amer

So you believe as the "man" you are the head of the household and everyone ought to jump?

 

That kind of respect gets earned. Especially when something may have stopped it in its tracks.

 

 

the thing about messes in a house and kids, lots of kids in the house, is that it is a daily struggle. It is not something learned once and implemented in military fashion.

 

Your job chart may need tuning. Can you rotate the chores?

 

I am trying to get you to add a little common sense to your directives.

 

I believe the, "man", is the head of the household and everyone should be quick to show the respect of the head of household. Not so much to jump when they're told. And yes I agree that it has to be earned. And the chores are rotated on a monthly basis.

 

You are trying to add common sense to my directives and I understand that, but again, you aren't helping with the underlining problem. You keep reverting back to how the house is ran. I do appreciate your input, but tell me what you think I ought to be doing to re gain that respect while dealing with my wife confusing me.....the way the house is ran doesn't need fine tuning. It needs to get used to the way it'll be from now on......not in a military fashion, but as a change that will gradually be put in place.

 

Your opening statement makes me think that you are totally against the man being in charge of his family. This may be the case with some. But as for our house and the way my wife and I both were raised, and considering our faith, in some sense, people ought to jump and even ask how high.

 

I'm totally for consulting my wife on the big issues, but when it comes to making on the spot decisions, sometimes the head of household needs to take charge and handle the situation at hand.

 

Right now, it's like I said......she confuses me when she says she's all for mine re-gaining control but then she shoots me in the foot. It's difficult for her, I think, to loosen the reigns of control she's had for so long like the other posters are saying. This is what I've gathered and learned from the others. I'm sorry to say that you aren't looking at the original scenario in which I decided to start this thread. But thanks just the same.

[amer]

Putting out a fire is not when to insist on being the head of the household. You know?

 

I respect that you want to be that head of the household. Establish it during family meetings and one on one with your wife.

 

Not be mad that it isn't happening while a fire burns.

[RowanRavyn]

Originally posted by Moose

Ok, last night I had the boys burn the trash, ( We normally burn since we can ). While I was fixing supper I noticed one of the bins was close to the fire. It looked from the window that it was on fire. So I asked the boys to go check on it. Well, my daughter ran out there and quickly came back and told me the wheel was on fire. So I told, very loudly, one of the boys to get out there and put it out. Noone was in a very big hurry, so I yelled, "RUN, DON'T WALK!!!"

Ok, I am going to try a step by step approach here. You were cooking supper, the boys had started the trash fire. When you asked them to go check on it....did you say "will someone go check on the trash fire?" Or did you say specifically, "Chris, go check on the fire, and move the bin." When it was the daughter who went out instead of one of the boys, and reported that damage was going to be done, you then yelled.

 

Is it possible that you are setting two different standards for your kids. I have noticed in other posts that you tend to separate the boys from the girls.

 

Originally posted by Moose

My wife is on the couch watching funniest videos and looks over towards me and says, "It's not that big of a deal", that really ticked me off!!! It is a big deal, to me it's a piece of equipment we use a lot. This esculated to her saying that I was yelling at the kids.....I wasn't meaning to sound like I was mad, I was more desperate to get the thing put out. Chris was trying to unwrap the garden hose and it was getting tankled even worse, so I grabbed it out of his hands and sprayed water in a cooler, took it up to the fire and put it out myself.

 

Could this be the real issue. You were supervising the chores (apparently), as well as cooking dinner. Your wife was relaxing on the sofa. Were you already upset that you were doing two things at once? That the fire was just the icing on the cake?

 

Originally posted by Moose

 

The way that she said it was no big deal in front of the kids is why noone was in a hurry to put it out. That really ticked me off and so after the excitement was over, I just glared at her when I came back in. Of course she copped an attitude with me and asked why I was glaring at her like that. I told her it's pretty obvious why. I wasn't in the mood to try to explain why I was so ticked.....so she started bringing things up. That got me even more upset with her. To make a long story short, we wound up yelling at each other, (Not in front of the kids), about the little things that tick us off.

When we are upset and we rely on only one means to express ourselves (the glare), miss a valuable opportunity to communicate with the one we love. The glare doesn't convey what's on your mind, and only serves to set the other person up for confrontation. If not then, later surely. You guys ended up pulling out a laundry list of how you each felt slighted. Maybe you didn't yell in front of the kids, but I promise you they knew what was going on. Maybe they even anticipated that sort of reaction, and they had their anticipations confirmed.

 

Originally posted by Moose

I called her this morning to apologize for being such a jerk to her, but she didn't apologize to me at all. She says that lately she doesn't know what I want from her. I told her I didn't want anything if she couldn't see why I was so upset last night. I mean, lately she has been letting messes pile up and I told her about that while I had her on the phone. She said that she knows about those messes and that I get to them before she can. Well, to me that's just putting off work that needs to be done when she sees it. Not when she gets around to it or is she just waiting until I tackle it?

Did you call with the anticipation that she WOULD apologize? It sounds like she is telling you loud and clear that she is as confused as you are. She says she doesn't know what you want from her. Isn't that telling you that she needs help understand you? I tell my children that they should apologize sincerely and with no expectation. You guys clearly have a lot of things piling up. And not just behind the bathroom toilet. I don't pretend to know what your domestic values were before you got sober, but maybe she is looking for you to prove yourself. It sucks, it may not seem fair to you, but she has how many years of "programming" to overcome? Maybe after all that time she is finally giving into exhaustion.

 

Originally posted by Moose

I can't stand a messy house, there are 7 of us that live there. There is no reason what so ever that the house should be in a mess. She keeps making feel like I'm the one who's in the wrong all the time and she rarely admits that she does things wrong.

 

She keeps telling me that she's trying to let me have more control over the house and with the kids. But......when I try to express the things that I feel need to be adressed, she shoots me down and says I'm wrong. I don't get it!!!!

She is a control freak, and she's admitted this. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past that has ruined any credibility with my family, and I've been trying to make up for it and put my foot down in some situations only to get shot down by her or I get snide remarks from my kids. I'm almost to the point to where I'm going to give up, and not do anything at all.

 

The more folks in a house the more mess there is. Its a simple fact. It sounds to me like you guys need a mediator. Your pastor, a good counselor. It takes time to reform partnerships hun, especially in marriage.

 

Originally posted by Moose

I love my wife and family with all of my heart. But sometimes I think I'll never regain the repect of her or the kids again. So, should I just lay down and give up the fight? I'm tired of feeling like I'll never have a say in anything again, should I just tell them all I give up and they can have the house and everything in it, just give me a room to live in and they'll never have to talk to me or even see me again? Sometimes I have no clue what I'm even there for except to pay the bills and buy the food. We are usually a loving couple, but lately I feel so small and not worth anything to her. What should I do?

 

You unfortunately have to earn it hun. I said it before, it doesn't go away overnight. You are there because you are the husband and father. You are there because you found your balls and started working toward getting your life back together. I commend you. I also want you to bare in mind that its not going to happen over night. You seem like such a kind and sincere man. Don't give up, but learn that its not always about you. There could be a thousand other things bothering her. It could be that she is so used to being in charge that with her control freak personality she has a hard time giving the reins over to you, and does it in ways she isn't even aware of. As I said earlier. Maybe she is just utterly exhausted from carrying so much of the burden for so long.

 

Best wishes

[PUHLEEEZE.....]

Hi, Moose! Have you read Dr. Laura's book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands? While it is not recommended for relationships where any of the 3 A's are concerned (Abuse/Addiction/Adultery), it sounds like the alcohol situation is at the very least under control here - so I'd say give it a try. Read it, and ask your wife if she will read it. It addresses the issue of respect for a husband, and how important it is that a wife show it. It also explains to her how, by doing that, she will reap BIG dividends. I've really learned that sometimes, I just need to keep my whiny-butt mouth SHUT when my husband is making what I think is a "big deal" about something - and maybe even backing him up a bit on it.

[Moose]

Ok, I am going to try a step by step approach here. You were cooking supper, the boys had started the trash fire. When you asked them to go check on it....did you say "will someone go check on the trash fire?" Or did you say specifically, "Chris, go check on the fire, and move the bin." When it was the daughter who went out instead of one of the boys, and reported that damage was going to be done, you then yelled.

 

Is it possible that you are setting two different standards for your kids. I have noticed in other posts that you tend to separate the boys from the girls.

 

Actually, I started the fire with the loose brush around the property. It's the boy's chore to take the trash up and burn it. So I asked them to go ahead and get that done. They got all the trash on the fire and came in to watch TV, leaving the bins next to the fire. I noticed one was real close to the fire. So I told Chris to go check on it, that it looked too close for my comfort. My daughter is the one that went out there first because the boys were interested in the TV show and wasn't moving when I asked, and she was helping me with supper. So she ran out there real quick and noticed the wheel to the bin was on fire. About then is when my wife said it wasn't a big deal and just kinda gave a hand signal like, ahhh! Forget it. So naturally Chris didn't reacte to what I said. It was then that I raised or yelled at him to Run Don't Walk.....

 

I can see your point. Maybe it was that I was trying to double task and was a little jealous that they were sitting on the couch watching the tube. But their delay and my wife's lack of concern is what really set me off. I do tend to seperate the girls from the boys. It's hard for me not to. They are the babies and the boys are nearly men. The girls are more apt to help their daddy with things than the boys too. And likewise the boys with their mom. I think that's pretty much a given.

 

 

When we are upset and we rely on only one means to express ourselves (the glare), miss a valuable opportunity to communicate with the one we love. The glare doesn't convey what's on your mind, and only serves to set the other person up for confrontation. If not then, later surely. You guys ended up pulling out a laundry list of how you each felt slighted. Maybe you didn't yell in front of the kids, but I promise you they knew what was going on. Maybe they even anticipated that sort of reaction, and they had their anticipations confirmed.

 

You're right. That glare was the worst thing I could've done!!! I should've pulled her to the side and calmly told her how she made me feel at that particular time. Hind site is 20/20, but you can bet from now on, I'll do the latter!

 

 

Did you call with the anticipation that she WOULD apologize? It sounds like she is telling you loud and clear that she is as confused as you are. She says she doesn't know what you want from her. Isn't that telling you that she needs help understand you? I tell my children that they should apologize sincerely and with no expectation. You guys clearly have a lot of things piling up. And not just behind the bathroom toilet. I don't pretend to know what your domestic values were before you got sober, but maybe she is looking for you to prove yourself. It sucks, it may not seem fair to you, but she has how many years of "programming" to overcome? Maybe after all that time she is finally giving into exhaustion.

 

Another great point that I didn't condsider., Isn't sharing thoughts a great thing??? If she's giving into exhaustion, isn't that a bad thing for me? What do I need to do to revitalize her into being my team member? My helpmate?

[ShareHer]

moose,

 

Did you ever get her to stop wearing sexy clothes? Does she wear sexy clothes while she's lying on the sofa doing nothing or does she only wear them while out?

 

Wow, you've got a lot of things going on in your life! Now you're saying that she's the one who's controling?

 

How old was the other picture of you two that you used to use in your profile? You look completely different. It's interesting what a totally different image I had of you back then and now.

 

Hope you get all these issues straightened out.

[Moose]

SHARE HER!!!! Where have ya been buddy!!!!

 

Where in this thread did you see that I said she was controlling???? She may have made a comment that pissed me off, but I never said she was controlling....did I?

 

As far as the sexy clothes. She still wears them at home and while she's out. Like I've said before, I'm feeling a little bit better about it now, and I understand more why she does. She also understands why I felt the way I did to begin with. That's what a real marraige is all about, communication, understanding and continued education.

 

The other avatar? We were 19 in that and at a monster truck show......she had some wild hair then didn't she?

[ShareHer]

Awwwww, I knew you missed me! Ummm, wait. That was't like gay or anything!

 

Originally posted by Moose

She keeps telling me that she's trying to let me have more control over the house and with the kids. But......when I try to express the things that I feel need to be adressed, she shoots me down and says I'm wrong. I don't get it!!!!

She is a control freak, and she's admitted this. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past that has ruined any credibility with my family, and I've been trying to make up for it and put my foot down in some situations only to get shot down by her or I get snide remarks from my kids. I'm almost to the point to where I'm going to give up, and not do anything at all.

 

Ok, the term you used was control freak. That comment really surprized me coming from you. Sometimes you worry me when you get yourself bothered by something happening in your marriage. I usually don't respond though because next thing I know, you've got yourself settled down and you're happy again.

 

Wow. Your other pic was almost 30 years old? Back in the good old days when you and I were having our "love fests", I thought I was going at it with a young buck, mullet wearing dude. I still picture you as a young kid when I read your posts.

 

And yes, your wife di have some wild hair in the picture. She doesn't anymore? I take it she's the same age you are? Do you feel that she looks inappropriate in her hottie clothes because of her age maybe? I agree that when some women hit a certain age, they should probably rethink their wardrobe a bit and not try to look like an older woman in teenagers clothes. There are a few women that can pull it off though. How does she wear her hair now?

[Moose]

Share her.....just for you:

 

http://www.d3technical.com/forum/images/Valentine2004.jpg

 

Wow. Your other pic was almost 30 years old? Back in the good old days when you and I were having our "love fests", I thought I was going at it with a young buck, mullet wearing dude. I still picture you as a young kid when I read your posts.

 

Well, I guess I never really grew up, just old....and not 30 years Share her.....geeeeesh man.....what are you trying to tell me???? It's almost 20 years old.....

 

My wife is actually a year older than me. She's the one who calls herself control freak. We're workin' on it.

 

Can't wait to do battle with ya again.....

[ShareHer]

Moose,

 

I have to ask this ... considering your wife doesn't work outside the home and you spend a good deal of time on here, where do you find the time to work and how to you manage to pay the bills?

 

Oh my!!! I just now noticed the link to your picture! Holy hell (sorry about that reference), she is absolutely stunning! What a beauty. After further review, I now feel you should let her continue dressing any way she likes and if you don't, I'm coming out west and tipping your cows!

[Moose]

Originally posted by ShareHer

Moose,

 

I have to ask this ... considering your wife doesn't work outside the home and you spend a good deal of time on here, where do you find the time to work and how to you manage to pay the bills?

 

Oh my!!! I just now noticed the link to your picture! Holy hell (sorry about that reference), she is absolutely stunning! What a beauty. After further review, I now feel you should let her continue dressing any way she likes and if you don't, I'm coming out west and tipping your cows!

 

My brother and I opened our own engineering firm which grew into software sales, tech support, and development. We hired a couple top notch mechanical engineers and a sales manager. All I do all day long is renew maintenance contracts, it only takes 2 minutes to fill out the necessary forms and we earn thousands for doing it. Of course we're responsible for tech issues, but that what the young uns' are here for.

 

Yeah, she's a hottie, I wasn't lying!! She wears whatever she wants, but she asks me first if it's ok. I know, I know, I'm a controlling little jerk.....but I think she just asks to make me feel better. I knew you of all people would just go nuts over that picture, are you jealous of me yet???

[ShareHer]

Originally posted by Moose

My brother and I opened our own engineering firm which grew into software sales, tech support, and development. We hired a couple top notch mechanical engineers and a sales manager. All I do all day long is renew maintenance contracts, it only takes 2 minutes to fill out the necessary forms and we earn thousands for doing it. Of course we're responsible for tech issues, but that what the young uns' are here for.

 

That's really good Moose. I'm glad that worked out for ya.

 

Yeah, she's a hottie, I wasn't lying!! She wears whatever she wants, but she asks me first if it's ok. I know, I know, I'm a controlling little jerk.....but I think she just asks to make me feel better. I knew you of all people would just go nuts over that picture, are you jealous of me yet???

 

Ha! Me of all people ... you're a funny man. Even sexual deviates like me can definitely appreciate beautiful women ... I married one. Naaaa, not jealous per se. I'm trying to find a safe spot to post a picture to prove my point.