He needed killin’ ....

[quankanne]

In Texas, this is a perfectly understandable argument for murder. And I think I finally understand why.

 

Four years ago, my long-lost brother decided to rejoin the family after cutting us off for nearly two decades. Because he missed us? Maybe. Because he wanted to poison our family against the woman he was getting a divorce from, the mother of his little girl? Most likely, is what I’m thinking after hearing him spout off lie after lie about her and seeing him viciously attack her character, even turning most of her own family against her (he's very charismatic).

 

Since he’s been back in the picture, he’s waged an active campaign to convince our family that the woman is out to get him and that she’s no good. Never mind the fact that she was the one who let us know they had a kid together or that they were divorcing. Nope, she was just up to no good, trying to poison us against him.

 

We’ve heard how she planned to use anything she learned from us in her divorce case. We learned that she was trying to keep the child away from him – and us – by planning to use information we fed her. And we learned that she was trying very hard to get him thrown in jail (he’s working through the sixth of a seven-year probated sentence for sexual assault of a minor, though he never seems to bring up that particular little fact). We learned all of this and more, like all the dirty laundry from their marriage as well as her family’s dirty laundry – and it’s gospel truth because he said so.

 

Now I’m lumped in as a bad guy because *gasp* I dare offer to keep an open door of communication with my former sister-in-law. Not because I want to hurt him but because I don’t want that little girl to ever feel cut off from her family no matter what her parents are going through, and I think that’s worth offering an olive branch to my former in-law.

 

I just mailed out a long letter to my brother and to our family, calling him out on his behavior and telling them that I pretty much am disappointed in them for wanting me to put my trust in their fear of losing him again rather than stand by my convictions of doing the right thing for my niece. I realize how easy it is to make a decision out of fear, but sometimes, you’ve got to stand up and fight for someone who has no voice because it’s the right thing to do.

 

Lord knows I've tried to be straight-forward in dealing with people, I tend to be more of a peace-maker than anything else, and I'm hoping that my family remembers these things about me when they read my letter. Still, why do I feel so sick inside, like I’ve done something incredibly damaging to them? Are my loyalties misguided?

[honey2005]

I think looking out for your niece is the best thing you could do in the situation you're in. It's not her fault her parents are divorcing and going at each other. It would be a shame to cut her out of her family life on her father's side just because her parents don't get along. I think you're doing a great thing and she'll really appreciate it when she's older:).

[murasaki]

I think the solution in these situations is to do what you think is right, but keep quiet about it. There's no changing people, especially family members who think that they're owed your loyalty, so to try to get them to see things your way would be pointless. People often believe what it's convenient for them to believe -- as you touched on when you guessed that your family wasn't saying anything to your brother because they were afraid he'd cut himself off from them again.

 

It sounds to me like you're doing the right thing. If everyone else in your family feels the need to buy his version of things, let them. You don't have to tell them that you've got a line of communication open with your former s.i.l., or that you see your niece. And you might want to give just a little bit of credence to what your brother is saying about his ex. Hey, if I were your former s.i.l., with a husband who had sexually assaulted a minor, among other things, I wouldn't want him near my child either.

 

I think it would be appropriate for you to tell your former s.i.l. that you're happy to keep in touch, but you feel that for obvious reasons it would just be best if the two of you didn't discuss the progress of her divorce, or anything like that. You're staying in touch for your niece's sake -- let the conversations stay focused on her. If your s.i.l. asks you something about your brother, tell her that you don't talk to him much, that you know very little about what he's up to, and that you don't want to get in the middle of anything so you'd prefer to not discuss him.

 

And I'd just avoid conversations with your family members about your brother, your niece or your former s.i.l. You might just say to someone who brings it up, "you know, I love Bob, he's my brother and all, and of course I support him. However I don't think he's necessarily being fair to his ex. It's none of my business, so I wont' say anything more on the subject. But neither do I want to hear about the problems he's having with her."

 

In a few years, after all this has died down, your family might be grateful that you kept things civil with your former s.i.l. They might never admit that they were wrong, but they might well be glad that you didn't just go along to get along.

[quankanne]

thanks for the words of support, guys! I was feeling very crappy about things until I just opened up an email from another brother's ex-wife ... with a picture of their son. And I realized that maybe things aren't as bad as I feared: that being bxtched at, made to feel guilty and overall lied about is worth it when I realize all about the little ones. (the brother just mentioned is the one who died in a car wreck 13 years ago, so his son never really got to know him, but his mom feels comfortable enough with our friendship to let me know how the boy is doing).

 

you've hit on a lot of things, murasaki, like the need to lay low while making an unpopular decision and agreeing with Hope to not we didn't discuss anything about my brother, only my niece and other general subjects. I think we've done a good job with that, but still my brother feels threatened, like he's jealous of anyone getting to know her, even though she's mother of his child. I also wonder what kinds of stories he's told her and her family about US, and doesn't want the two sides to compare what we know of each other!

 

You might just say to someone who brings it up, "you know, I love Bob, he's my brother and all, and of course I support him. However I don't think he's necessarily being fair to his ex. It's none of my business, so I wont' say anything more on the subject. But neither do I want to hear about the problems he's having with her.

 

that's just it! I've told them over and over again that I didn't have the time or energy to get caught up in his fight with his ex, but they insist on calling me and letting me know how I'm ultimately responsible for the guy going to jail or losing his kid. Not him, but me. Not him, but his ex. Never, ever him. It makes me sick to think that he's convinced people that this is the "truth."

[moimeme]

It's disappointing when someone believes ill of you on the word of someone else. It's all the more so when the one(s) believing ill belong to your family.

 

Unfortunately, someone being family doesn't guarantee being any sort of sterling human. I'm sorry that your brother has such problems - he sounds like the sort who will never be wrong - and sorrier that the family listens to him. Try to take comfort in the knowledge that you're doing the right thing by the kids. Your brother, it seems, has plenty of people to take care of him so it's great that you're keeping an eye out for the young'uns.

[quankanne]

thanks, Moi. I just wish my family would at the very least try to respect my decision, even if they don't necessarily agree with it. I guess because I'm "the baby" I just don't "understand" why it's so "bad" to think independently!

 

the really bad side of all of this garbage? my dentist told me this morning that I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep! "Any stress?" he asks ...