Controlling In-Laws...Need opinions Please

[Fleasle]

Ok, long story short...I am a lesbian and have been one all my life. 20 months ago I got together with a girl who had never been with a woman before. She was married with 2 kids, church going, close knit family. She cheated on her husband with me and is now divorced from him and living with me. Her parents are completely against this relationship and will not accept me in any way shape or form. I am not invited to any family events, I am, in fact, "unwelcome in their home". She is 33 years old, I am 40. I have a good job, a nice house, her kids love me, she loves me, her parents know all this, but refuse to even acknowledge my presence. So, I am just curious how much of this I should tolerate ? My gf continues to go to her parents every weekend for family dinners, holidays, etc. She says she talks about me to her parents, she has sent them emails about how she wants them to accept me, but so far they haven't budged. I am having a very hard time with my gf allowing them to disrespect our relationship, because they actually encourage her ex-husband to attend these dinners. I feel a lot of anger towards my gf that she continues to go to these dinners and not stand up to them and tell them that if I am not allowed, she isn't going. She thinks though that I should just give it time, that eventually they will come around, and she doesn't want to give up her family. I don't want her to either, however, I think by her going to these events that I am barred from, she is giving them the control to continue to disrespect our relationship. I am looking for opinions as to if I am just too touchy.

Edited January 21, 2013 by Fleasle
Typo

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, long story short...I am a lesbian and have been one all my life. 20 months ago I got together with a girl who had never been with a woman before. She was married with 2 kids, church going, close knit family. She cheated on her husband with me and is now divorced from him and living with me. Her parents are completely against this relationship and will not accept me in any way shape or form. I am not invited to any family events, I am, in fact, "unwelcome in their home". She is 33 years old, I am 40. I have a good job, a nice house, her kids love me, she loves me, her parents know all this, but refuse to even acknowledge my presence. So, I am just curious how much of this I should tolerate ? My gf continues to go to her parents every weekend for family dinners, holidays, etc. She says she talks about me to her parents, she has sent them emails about how she wants them to accept me, but so far they haven't budged. I am having a very hard time with my gf allowing them to disrespect our relationship, because they actually encourage her ex-husband to attend these dinners. I feel a lot of anger towards my gf that she continues to go to these dinners and not stand up to them and tell them that if I am not allowed, she isn't going. She thinks though that I should just give it time, that eventually they will come around, and she doesn't want to give up her family. I don't want her to either, however, I think by her going to these events that I am barred from, she is giving them the control to continue to disrespect our relationship. I am looking for opinions as to if I am just too touchy.

 

Yes, you are.

 

She has gone from an apparently "Normal" Hetero relationship, complete with church (Red Flag) husband and children, and a conventionally-accepted existence, to 'coming out' very late in life, by some standards, and revealing that she has homosexual tendencies.

She could be bisexual, of course.

 

She loves her parents. Close-knit family, you said.

And Blood is thicker than water.... she has every right to continue seeing her parents, and you should neither demand nor expect her to choose you over them.

This is all quite new to her too, of course, so she's bound to have some conflicting feelings.

Her parents are not obliged to accept you if they don't want to, and you cannot force the situation.

 

I'm certain that by talking to them about you, she is trying as tactfully and gently as she can, to introduce you as someone they SHOULD accept - but she too cannot build Rome overnight. If she is also attempting to persuade them via emails, I honestly cannot understand how you can say that she is allowing them to disrespect you. She's doing her best with as much tact and diplomacy as she can.

 

She will not reject her family, or refuse to see them, simply because your nose is put out of joint.

Why should she?

 

How old are her children?

Her ex-husband may be at these gatherings... do I take it the children are too?

 

Depending on their age, do they realise that you are their mother's lover, or do they just think 'Mummy lives with her friend, *Fleasle*....?"

Maybe - again, dependent on their age - they simply haven't put two and two together.

I don't know.... but in any case, whatever that situation, you have to accept that she has another life, one into which you have been currently barred.

 

I sincerely hope for your sake they come round and change their minds.

I know they have no reason not to, barring personal opinion, upbringing, and prejudice.

 

Incidentally, my daughter is bisexual.

I don't care a fig who she's with, providing she's faithful to them.

I don't count a person's sexuality. I do question their moral compass if what they do, hurts someone else.

[Fleasle]

Her children are 7 and 9 and they are very aware that I am her girlfriend. I completely understand where you are coming from and I appreciate your insight. I know she is trying, but week after week when she leaves to go to "her other life" events, it is very hurtful to me. Her family has always been very controlling in all aspects of her life and I believe this is just another attempt from them to control her. I know I am touchy, but I guess it makes sense to me that if your child loves someone and that person is good to them that you should at least give them a chance until proven otherwise.

[TaraMaiden]

I couldn't agree with you more.

I see it from your PoV.

Unfortunately, I am not your GF's mother.

 

And if they're religious and church-going, you have that stacked up against you, too. (Hence my 'red flag' comment).

They not only feel personally threatened and alienated by the whole thing, it goes against what they consider to be Biblical guidance.

This has rocked and de-stabilised their world.

What they thought was a perfect "Brady Bunch" scenario has now shattered and crumbled before their eyes, and the unthinkable has happened.

If anyone had told them 2 years ago that this would have happened, they would have been utterly incredulous and denied it as completely fabricated poppycock.

 

I can only suggest you try one of the following (unless of course, it's already been attempted):

 

She invites them out to dinner, and you are also present.

In Public.

 

You write to them and plead to their Christian values of forgiveness.

If Christ could stop an adulteress from being stoned to death, could they not at least agree to give you some room for manoeuvre?

 

You befriend her children to such an extent that they speak on your behalf....

 

You ask her which one of the above she thinks might work best.....

[Nyla]

Her children are 7 and 9 and they are very aware that I am her girlfriend. I completely understand where you are coming from and I appreciate your insight. I know she is trying, but week after week when she leaves to go to "her other life" events, it is very hurtful to me. Her family has always been very controlling in all aspects of her life and I believe this is just another attempt from them to control her. I know I am touchy, but I guess it makes sense to me that if your child loves someone and that person is good to them that you should at least give them a chance until proven otherwise.

 

I don't think you are being too touchy. It is normal that you want to be accepted by your partner's family. While I don't believe that you have the right to tell her not to see her family, she should be standing up for you more.

 

Whether they want to welcome you or not, you are an important part of her life and that needs to be respected if not accepted. Maybe as a compromise, she can visit her family twice a month instead of every week and alternate holiday gatherings each year. It is natural and healthy for a couple to carve out their own private space and boundaries when dealing with family.

 

Your girlfriend is also way too old to let her parents control her life. She needs to become a real woman and live for herself, rather than her parents approval. It is scary to set boundaries because parents will be angry when this happens, but unless your girlfriend wants to be a little girl forever, she has to realize that her life is her own.

 

My parents have tried to control my life in the past, because they have the old fashioned mentality that daughters cannot make their own decisions and need their parents forever. I withdraw from my parents when they try to live my life for me and I set boundaries.