confused4months Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Hey so any help is appreciated. I'm almost divorced, (wife had affair with best friend) and we've had to wait a year of separation to get divorced. I've been sleeping with this woman for the past 5 months, just started dating her this month. She tells me that she was the 'other woman' and broke up another couples relationship. We ran into the couple it happened with (guess they got back together) and it was very awkward and hostile experience and i was like wtf and that's why she told me about it. Said she didn't want to tell me because she knew I'd just come from a situation like that. Now I'm a little concerned. She's remorseful about what she did you by seeing her am I setting myself up for another fall? Is it a bad idea to date her? Or does she deserve a chance? Link to post Share on other sites
coffeebean201 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Did she sound like she was in competition with the wife in that relationship, or did she really love him? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I don't think I could date a guy who had ever cheated or been the other man. It would tell me we have very different value systems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4months Posted January 22, 2013 Author Share Posted January 22, 2013 I don't think she loved him, or was in competition with her. I think she just did what she felt without really thinking at all. They were close friends and it just kind of escalated. Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I don't think she should have been "down on her knees" sorry to the other man's wife. She behaved in a way that of course did not consider his wife's feelings or wellbeing, but she didn't KNOW the woman. HE was MARRIED to her. The MAN is the one who should bear the responsibility for hurting and disrespecting and failing to care about HIS wife's feelings, NOT the other woman. Anyway, to the OP...I don't know what to tell you. She may behave in a pattern of cheating or she may not. If she was the OW in a previous relationship, was she also cheating on anyone at the time, herself? If not, then I don't think you've got any problems at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused4months Posted January 22, 2013 Author Share Posted January 22, 2013 Hmm I guess I've got a few questions to ask her. Thanks very much for your insight guys Link to post Share on other sites
ataloss8270 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Hey so any help is appreciated. I'm almost divorced, (wife had affair with best friend) and we've had to wait a year of separation to get divorced. I've been sleeping with this woman for the past 5 months, just started dating her this month. She tells me that she was the 'other woman' and broke up another couples relationship. We ran into the couple it happened with (guess they got back together) and it was very awkward and hostile experience and i was like wtf and that's why she told me about it. Said she didn't want to tell me because she knew I'd just come from a situation like that. Now I'm a little concerned. She's remorseful about what she did. By seeing her am I setting myself up for another fall? Is it a bad idea to date her? Or does she deserve a chance? That's hard to say. I've seen friends that cheated on someone many, many times, just to get into a relationship with someone new and never cheat on them. I guess the question would be how is she worth the risk. Life is never certain. You could very easily get with someone who's never cheated on someone before and have them cheat on you, and get wth someone who's cheated on many other people but they are so happy with you they never even think about it. Life is a gamble and you can't think about what happened in your past or theirs to really say what's going to happen between the two of you. If she's worth it take the chance, if she's not then cut your ties and look for someone you think you can trust Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 For what it's worth I'd recommend talking to her, taking some time for her help you understand the situation. And how she feels about it now. I was 'the OW who broke up a marriage' if you must use that terminology, I am now engaged to someone who is strident in his anti-infidelity stance due to the way his father behaved. I never hid anything from him but was concerned as to how he'd take it. He appreciated my honesty and he was able to judge for himself whether my participation in an affair was a risk for him if we were to progress. He decided (correctly, in my view) that it was not an issue but was glad I trusted him and explained everything. Link to post Share on other sites
LetMeGo Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I would be wondering why she put you both in the position in the first place. Could it be that she was hoping to make the xMM jealous? Just wondering... Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 If she'd cheated then I'd say yes you have some work to do to make sure you're not setting yourself up. She was an OW and if she hasn't made a habit out of it and can, as SG wrote, give you the full story and you're ok with it then I don't see why you're in any peril. If you get the feeling she was chasing the guy around or was stalking them after it fell apart then yes I'd agree you've got some serious concerns. I kind of doubt she'd have been using the scenario as a way to make the xMM jealous but you never know. I would figure if she was going to do that why sleep with you for 5 months and then start dating you, and THEN make him jealous. I don't see her playing such a long game for jealousy. And no, she shouldn't have dropped to her knees to his W. She should have done just what she did. Explained it and you should be able to tell whether or not she was telling the truth or not. If she was a serial OW she wouldn't be starting a serious R with you. My take anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Bito Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Thuis is a personal choice. To me its a values clash so I would stop seeing her. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 As an exOW, I guess it's obvious that I would say give her a chance. Having said that, I will also say, of course I don't know this woman or her history. You on the other hand do know her and will have to gage her sincerity. I can say, the fact that she was forthright, during the encounter with the couple, that indicates her efforts to redeem herself of her past. Regrets suck, I've experienced it first hand. Thank goodness there are forgiving people and those that don't hold your poor choices against you. Link to post Share on other sites
runningfar Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 If she is remorseful and really understands what she did was wrong and why, I would not end things. She was honest and people do make mistakes, even really bad ones. If she hasn't shown any insight or discovery, yeah, maybe different values. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I personally would not start a relationship with a man/woman that had no problem breaking up a marriage for sex. It would really bug me that she did not want to talk about it before because of your prior wife's cheating. Already a little secrect right. Now that you know her past, do you think that you can move past it....or will it eat away at you little by little? Also, did she know the man was married? Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Confused4months; Very good Question* I (being a Betrayed Spouse) still believe Everyone should have a second chance! HOWEVER.... Should she have that second chance with YOU?!?! That, I don't know and am concerned about. Everyone is different but I know Because I experienced my spouse cheating on me, I could NOT handle dating or Marrying ANYONE who took part in an A. It isn't that I am Not strong BUT I am also not willing to risk another heartbreak and the pain that goes along with being cheated on a SECOND time. And just KNOWING that about a prospective partner would bother me so well, that wouldn't be my choice. How much can you handle and are you willing to give this fOW her second chance and at what cost to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I personally would not start a relationship with a man/woman that had no problem breaking up a marriage for sex. Well, no one single person can 'break up a marriage', and whether or not it was just fun/sex and whether she knew his circumstances etc can all be discussed. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I have to tell you that the overwhelming number of OWs in this forum that get dumped by the MOM after d-day continue to pine for the MOM for a very long time. They may date single men, but many have expressed it is not the same. Dating single available men does not give the former OW the same rush as dating a MOM. You have been warned! Run for the hills! Hang on a minute!! This statement: "They may date single men, but many have expressed it is not the same" does not make this following statement true "Dating single available men does not give the former OW the same rush as dating a MOM" I got NO buzz out of his marital status. I tried to date but wasn't keen on other guys for a period, because I still cared for HIM. Him, as a person. It was the biggest disappointment that he was married. Nothing attractive about it at all. HE was attractive, THE RELATIONSHIP was fantastic, the fact he was married was just awful. Pierre, you're a little fond of generalisations for my liking:) Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Well, no one single person can 'break up a marriage', and whether or not it was just fun/sex and whether she knew his circumstances etc can all be discussed. No...one person can not break up a marriage, but two people screwing around behind someones back sure can. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I have to tell you that the overwhelming number of OWs in this forum that get dumped by the MOM after d-day continue to pine for the MOM for a very long time. They may date single men, but many have expressed it is not the same. Dating single available men does not give the former OW the same rush as dating a MOM. You have been warned! Run for the hills! It wasn't the 'rush' it was the man. I know for some that's not the case but for a great number it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Well, perhaps for some. I was in my mid forties before having an EA with mm. Never partook in that type of behavior prior or since. So, I must respectively disagree. Though, I'm sure this is true for some. I just hate the all or nothing mentality. It just ain't so. I was the same. Never had anything to do with a married man before and not since. I was in my late 40s. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 That is because MOM are better at courting women than single men. Also the hurdles and unavailability fuels more passion. Says a man who has never been an OW. I'll take my own experiences and those of the many women I've 'met' online and developed online friendships with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 More on Affairs 102: Many single OWs in this forum have described the romance of the century after meeting a married OM. Philandering men are charming, smooth, charismatic, and very attentive. Couple this with the inherent unavailability and you have a major OCD type romance story. And as I said in my post for me it wasn't the rush it was the man. I also said that isn't the case for all. Again though, you make it a sweeping generalization. I'm just pointing out the difference Prof! Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 That is because MOM are better at courting women than single men. Also the hurdles and unavailability fuels more passion. Um, no. While some people may enjoy it for many the fact they are married and the "hurdles and unavailability" is actually a pain in the butt and a definitely pain. I dealt with being in the affair for the man, I was not in an affair to be in an affair. There are too many issues to deal with, for myself, to do that on a regular basis. I do not agree that from my experience that MM are better at courting. Has your experience differed? I didn't know you played for the same team!?! What I found remarkable was the beginning of my relationship with dMM was extremely similar to the beginning of my relationship with my ex husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Um, no. While some people may enjoy it for many the fact they are married and the "hurdles and unavailability" is actually a pain in the butt and a definitely pain. I dealt with being in the affair for the man, I was not in an affair to be in an affair. There are too many issues to deal with, for myself, to do that on a regular basis. I do not agree that from my experience that MM are better at courting. Has your experience differed? I didn't know you played for the same team!?! What I found remarkable was the beginning of my relationship with dMM was extremely similar to the beginning of my relationship with my ex husband. I never thought about it but that's my case too. Wow. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Girls; This is basic love brain physiology 101. We ll know that when the chase is over the romance becomes calm and less rushed. When the relationship is not secure there is more OCD and a greater rush to see your partner. This is not rocket science and yes it applies to all types of relationships. So you're able to define 'secure' for every single R then? You can sit online and say without a doubt that every single A has no feelings of security so we all have OCD trying to keep it all together. Good to know because that's certainly not what I was feeling. Not what a lot in here have felt. Not what a lot of people I've read on other boards have felt. Guess we were all wrong "girls". Link to post Share on other sites
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