Gave him a deadline

[GreySkyMorning]

I graduate from college on March 15. MM is planning to be at my graduation. He's planning to meet my family and friends. I still don't know how he plans to be off work and be there, 150 miles from his home, but he promises to be there.

 

A lot happened last night in discussion. I think I'm quickly reaching a breaking point. I told him last night that I'm not begging him to be with me anymore and that I'm not fighting for us anymore.

 

Today, i let him know that graduation has to be the deadline and i have to stick to it. I told him I want him there. However, it will either be the last time we see each other or we will be together completely. This has been going on for a year and a half. It can't continue. He just replied that he understands. We'll see what happens.

 

As much as it hurt me to tell him that, I also have a real sense of relief from it. This limbo is tearing me apart. One way or another, it will end then. My life can go on, with or without him.

[stevie_23]

Will you be discussing this more? I think you need to.

 

The fact your MM said he "understands" gives me the impression he may either not turn up to your graduation or he will come, but he'll either tell you it must end now as he can't leave his wife, or he will come and make promises but nothing much more will happen afterwards...not that I know the situation in detail though.

[Silly_Girl]

That's a good point to be at - the relief that something will change. Things could get tricky so try to really remember how you feel now and how important it is to you to have that watershed. Use those feelings to make change happen.

[Summer Breeze]

Congrats on graduating! That's great and you should be very proud of what you've accomplished.

 

I personally wouldn't want him turning up and not knowing what he was going to say. That's a day of celebration and all the people you love will be there with you. The last thing you need is for him to show up and spring on you he can't leave home and it's over. You deserve better than that. I know you won't do this but what I would do is tell him I don't want him there. I wouldn't give him that power. If he wants to be there then the week before he needs to be moved out and been to the lawyer and show you the D papers he's started. I wouldn't want to be in the limbo of having him show up and not having any idea what's going on in his head.

 

The main thing to focus on that day is you and your family. If he wants to be in that group then he should join before the day. What's 1 week?

 

Congratulations again.

[GreySkyMorning]

Will you be discussing this more? I think you need to.

 

The fact your MM said he "understands" gives me the impression he may either not turn up to your graduation or he will come, but he'll either tell you it must end now as he can't leave his wife, or he will come and make promises but nothing much more will happen afterwards...not that I know the situation in detail though.

 

We have a hard time discussing anything anymore.

 

I got the same impression from his answer. Its not the first time he's left me feeling this way. I've drawn my lines before and then let him erase them, so it wouldn't surprise me if he feels this is just another one of those times.

[Silly_Girl]

We have a hard time discussing anything anymore.

 

I got the same impression from his answer. Its not the first time he's left me feeling this way. I've drawn my lines before and then let him erase them, so it wouldn't surprise me if he feels this is just another one of those times.

 

Is it 'one of those times' for you?

[GreySkyMorning]

Congrats on graduating! That's great and you should be very proud of what you've accomplished.

 

I personally wouldn't want him turning up and not knowing what he was going to say. That's a day of celebration and all the people you love will be there with you. The last thing you need is for him to show up and spring on you he can't leave home and it's over. You deserve better than that. I know you won't do this but what I would do is tell him I don't want him there. I wouldn't give him that power. If he wants to be there then the week before he needs to be moved out and been to the lawyer and show you the D papers he's started. I wouldn't want to be in the limbo of having him show up and not having any idea what's going on in his head.

 

The main thing to focus on that day is you and your family. If he wants to be in that group then he should join before the day. What's 1 week?

 

Congratulations again.

 

Thank you. I've definitely put plenty of hard work into it.

 

You're exactly right in the things you say. I wish I had the strength to tell him not to come. But, I really want him there, regardless of which way he goes. He's been with me since before I started school.

 

I honestly think that I already know in my heart that it'll be over then. I don't hold out much hope anymore for us ending up together. He's had too many opportunities to make that happen already if it was what he really wanted. He could have moved on with me several times in a way that no one would have had to even know we had been seeing each other, but he chose not to take advantage of those times. I don't know that he loves her that much, maybe, maybe not. I think a big part of his reasons for staying is more of the material than anything else.

 

He recently became an EMT and has applied for a position in the same city I live, 150 miles from his home town. It looks as though he'll get that job. It would involve him being in town for 3-4 days a week, then back home. He plans to stay between shifts and not drive all the way back. At first, he had just planned to stay with me and I'd agreed to that. After some thinking, I told him that is not an option. I can't be just a parttime home, while he leaves me every week to go back to her. We'll see what happens with that too.

 

Either way, THIS relationship has to end. I can't do this anymore. It has to be all or nothing. We have 17 years of history in one form or another. I was the other woman with a previous live in girlfriend too. I think I'm finally ready to be as strong as I need to be. I love this man and always have and always will, but I've got to think of myself too now. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to grow old with someone too.

[Summer Breeze]

Thank you. I've definitely put plenty of hard work into it.

 

You're exactly right in the things you say. I wish I had the strength to tell him not to come. But, I really want him there, regardless of which way he goes. He's been with me since before I started school.

 

I honestly think that I already know in my heart that it'll be over then. I don't hold out much hope anymore for us ending up together. He's had too many opportunities to make that happen already if it was what he really wanted. He could have moved on with me several times in a way that no one would have had to even know we had been seeing each other, but he chose not to take advantage of those times. I don't know that he loves her that much, maybe, maybe not. I think a big part of his reasons for staying is more of the material than anything else.

 

He recently became an EMT and has applied for a position in the same city I live, 150 miles from his home town. It looks as though he'll get that job. It would involve him being in town for 3-4 days a week, then back home. He plans to stay between shifts and not drive all the way back. At first, he had just planned to stay with me and I'd agreed to that. After some thinking, I told him that is not an option. I can't be just a parttime home, while he leaves me every week to go back to her. We'll see what happens with that too.

 

Either way, THIS relationship has to end. I can't do this anymore. It has to be all or nothing. We have 17 years of history in one form or another. I was the other woman with a previous live in girlfriend too. I think I'm finally ready to be as strong as I need to be. I love this man and always have and always will, but I've got to think of myself too now. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want to grow old with someone too.

 

It sounds like you have your head where it needs to be. I'm sorry you're at this point at this particular time in your life. It should be nothing but celebration for you and you're not seeing it that way.

 

You are strong. Look at what you've done. Look at where you are. The decision is yours. I know how hard it is to walk away because it's not enough. I hurts like He!! and you'll have days you'll want to call him and tell him you want him back. But you know now. You've seen him assume you'll be there and pass up opportunities to be with you permanently. He's answered all of your questions without you asking them. I'm so sorry.

 

Don't lose sight of what you've accomplished. You're better than him and as you move away from him you remember that. Draw your boundaries and keep him outside of them.

 

Stay strong.

[Turtles]

This is so sad. I have seen that happen to one of my very best friends. She kept giving the guy excuses and second chances, one broken promise after another. Oh, how many times I have seen her walk away in disgust, resolved to do better with her life than wait on him to make up his mind, then be drawn back down little by little, from one cutesy, innocent text, to one "just between friends" lunch, after another.

 

I think you have seen his true colors already, so you know the answer. A leopard does not change its spots. This person does not love you, or he would want for you to be happy - he is in love only with himself.

 

Wish you the best. My friend, has finally left her MM a few years ago and moved on for good, fell in love with someone who did not have quite that much baggage, is happily married and carrying their child, and it's really good to see how happy she is.

[jwi71]

I was the other woman with a previous live in girlfriend too.

 

Wait.

 

Are you saying you were HIS OW from a past live-in GF?

Or someone else's OW?

[GreySkyMorning]

Wait.

 

Are you saying you were HIS OW from a past live-in GF?

Or someone else's OW?

 

His OW. 17 years ago, we met on the job. I was actually married then, and he was living with a woman. We had an affair that lasted about six months or so. I was completely in love. I never told him that though. I'd been married for about six years by that time. I would have left my marriage in a heartbeat to be with him. He was a truck driver and I worked at the terminal doing a desk job. I decided to go to driving school, so i ended up going on the road and he just disappeared. I got divorced about eight years later. It was a rocky eight years. We split up several times and filed papers several times. Finally, it stuck and I've been single for right at ten years. He split from the woman he was living with and then got married about six years ago.

 

I found him on Facebook in April of 2011, we met up in July 2011 and things just occurred right back up.

 

He told me recently that he loved me back then too and that he left because he didn't want to break up my family.

 

I asked him when we were broke up a few months ago where he seen his marriage in five years. He said he didn't think it would last six more months. I told him that the only thing i knew for sure was that i would not still be waiting in six months.

Edited January 22, 2013 by GreySkyMorning
typo

[SunshineToday]

OMG....FB strikes again! FB be dammed! :::::shakes fist at FB!

 

Seriously GSM; you have let this guy put you second not once but twice? Use the wonderful experience of you graduating to make a new start for yourself! Let go of the dead weight you are carrying (him).

 

Congrats on graduation.

[ThatJustHappened]

Are you actually going to stick to your deadline? I'm not trying to discourage you..I think your intentions are good...but you have to mean it, otherwise it doesn't matter.

[jwi71]

His OW. 17 years ago, we met on the job. I was actually married then, and he was living with a woman. We had an affair that lasted about six months or so. I was completely in love. I never told him that though. I'd been married for about six years by that time. I would have left my marriage in a heartbeat to be with him. He was a truck driver and I worked at the terminal doing a desk job. I decided to go to driving school, so i ended up going on the road and he just disappeared. I got divorced about eight years later. It was a rocky eight years. We split up several times and filed papers several times. Finally, it stuck and I've been single for right at ten years. He split from the woman he was living with and then got married about six years ago.

 

I found him on Facebook in April of 2011, we met up in July 2011 and things just occurred right back up.

 

He told me recently that he loved me back then too and that he left because he didn't want to break up my family.

 

I asked him when we were broke up a few months ago where he seen his marriage in five years. He said he didn't think it would last six more months. I told him that the only thing i knew for sure was that i would not still be waiting in six months.

 

Thanks for sharing.

 

Given what you write, in it's totality, I think you have spent your life chasing this man, emotionally, physically, in memories or in fantasies of what could have been - only to see him relegate you to "second best" status.

 

I say this because he's NEVER put you first. He's never done what was best for YOU choosing instead his own narrow wants and needs.

 

Is that love?

Hell that's not even a friend.

 

My advice, again to be ignored, walk. Just turn and walk away.

He's no good for you.

[Turtles]

If you really want to make it a deadline, why not tell him to be there on March 15th with a copy of the filed divorce papers.