Does true love give second chances?

[Wonderinginthesouth]

I have been married to my husband almost 5 years and we have a 1 year old daughter together. We are in our mid 30's. We have a good marriage, never cheated on each other, no abuse etc. I am the breadwinner and make most of the decisions, not because I want all the responsibility, simply because my husband doesn't take the initiative to do so. 2 years ago my ex fiancé sent me a friend request on Facebook. I was shocked as I hadn't spoken to him in over 5 years. We caught up briefly online. He's married, wife has a 7 yr old girl from previous relationship. He's the breadwinner, basically same role in his marriage as my role in mine. So we talk online and then on the phone. It's been 2 years and we've met each other for lunch 3 times during those 2 yrs. No physical activity whatsoever and neither of us would ever dream of doing anything like that as we both respect our spouses and each other. We are simply friends. But here's the deal...we both know we made a mistake by calling off our wedding 7 years ago. We both know we settled for other people. Neither of us are real happy with our marriages but they are OK. We both still have feelings for each other. We could talk for 24 hours and not get tired. We both agree on everything, seriously everything.....we were high school sweethearts...we dated for 10 yrs...there were some fall outs but we always worked it out and got back together. I had wanted to get married for a long time but he wanted to wait, he came from a separated home and I didn't but I think that had something to do with his hesitation. We finally did get engaged and for awhile I was very happy being engaged....then I started getting cold feet and thought "why did it take him so long to want to marry me?" I mean we were best friends and did everything together. After 6 mos of engagement I just couldn't get excited about getting married to him...I knew something was wrong with me. Our families were all for it but I couldn't stop thinking about how long it took him to ask me. 3 mos before our wedding I told him I couldn't do it. We were both very upset but I felt at the time I was doing the right thing. We both regret not getting married to each other and if I had known then what my life would have been like now I would have definitely made a different decision and so would have he. The thing is we don't feel guilty for being friends and its a good thing but at the same time I know it's not healthy for my marriage. Neither of us would ever cheat on our spouses but we both wonder what might have been. His wife can't have any more children so he will never know what it's like to have children of his own and I find that sad. He married before I did and even when I was dating my now husband we were friends and he would be dating someone else and we would talk about each others relationships. It's weird to have such an awesome bond with someone and never be mad at each other but our love was like nothing I had ever known and I feel now that I really screwed up big time. We have never discussed leaving our spouses but have said that if they both ever left us we would definitely get back together. We are both all for working on our marriages and making the best of them. Still it hurts to not be together the way I know now we should have always been. Does anyone have a similar situation like mine?? I would love to hear your stories and how you deal with these feelings. I know it sounds like I'm living in the past but I'm really not. I love my husband dearly. We also both went to highschool together and have similar backgrounds. The struggle we have is I feel like I have all the responsibility and he doesn't have to worry about anything and never has. He's not as mature as me because he's never been independent and had to have responsibility. Always had someone to take care of him. I feel like the husband in my marriage. Sometimes I do think about leaving him because to me a man should be running his house not the other way around. It's hard for me to respect him because he lacks in a lot of ways. I know I'm supposed to respect him but I feel like he takes me for granted and when a woman isn't receiving love it's hard to give respect. This makes me wish I was with my ex fiancé. I sometimes wonder if I'm being given a second chance with him. I miss what we had so badly. If you really love someone and let them go and they come back to you was it really meant to be, is this a second chance on the life I could have had? I guess only time will tell. For now I will just make the best of what I have and be thankful for my daughter as she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

[TigerCub]

Does your husband know you've gone out for all those lunches with your ex?

Because if not, then maybe there isn't that much respect for the spouse.

 

I'm not trying to sound harsh - but you need to get a grip!

 

You and your ex both swear that you wont cheat and yet you are totally starting to walk towards an affair.

"oh, if only we stuck it out and stayed together, we'd be so happy"

 

"oh, my wife is barren and can't give me kids - I've always wanted kids. hmmm, wish I could have had kids with you"

 

"oh, we get along so well, we were always soul mates"

 

"oh, my husband is immature and doesn't do anything around the house - he's nothing like you!!"

 

"oh, but of course, it would be so bad to cheat - so we wont, uhm yeah...lets not cheat, lets just meet same time same place next week and live out our fantasy some more"...

 

You're walking a very fine line towards cheating.

 

If your husband is so lacking and you've "settled" for him, then maybe you should let him go & give him a chance to find someone that wants him.

 

I'm sorry, maybe I'm just in a bad mood, but you're being an ass to him.

 

You may have problems in your marriage - if so, address them and maybe even get counseling, but reminiscing with your ex and trying to live in the past and all the what if fantasies is certainly not going to help your marriage but will end up in an affair and the hurt of so many people.

[UStoUK]

This is a very touchy situation seeings how your married and have a child with this person. I personally do feel that things happen for a reason though. Whether it be a test of your marriage or a way to rekindle a love with another there's only one way to find out. I'm sure through all of this one of your biggest concerns is your daughter. Just remember your happiness is just as important as your childs. I feel if you felt the need to ask for advice on this your hearts already telling you what is right. You say you love your husband, but I don't think you would be questioning this if that was completely true. Just remember if you love two people always go with the second person, because if you truly loved the first the second person would have never exsisted. Build your own happiness, and don't let yourself live the rest of your life with a "what if." Someday your daughter will understand. Good Luck!

[Turtles]

I think you should talk to your husband. Let him know you are frustrated with having to do everything, etc. Understand he won't fundamentally change if he is a passive person but at least he can show some understanding of your frustration and try to help. If he can show some effort and empathy it might make it a lot easier for you to cope.

 

Also you should tell him about the friendship with the ex, no need to make it a big deal or share every detail about how you feel about him but just so you are not keeping the whole thing a secret... the problem is keeping a secret will make it a lot harder to connect (or reconnect) and you owe it to your daughter to do your best to make the marriage work.

[ComingInHot]

WonderingintheSouth;

 

What second chance?

I am a little confused, I'm sorry. I am just trying to read through all of the emotion to get to what you are looking for in the form of support and advice.

 

I hear you saying that:

1. you had a romantic history/Engaged w/this now married man

2. you are married

3. you talk on the phone and could 24/7

4. you meet for lunch

5. you BOTH have TOLD each other that under different circumstances you'd both want to be together

6. your husband doesn't work (and here is where I may have missed it) either at all or not as much or not as hard

7. he doesn't act as "head of the family" or take initiative

8. you don't Respect him

9. he is Not giving you what you need to feel loved, protected and fulfilled but married former fiancé Does

 

If the above is a clear synopsis of everything I have to honestly say that you are about to or Already are engaging in what is called an "Emotional Affair" (EA).

LOL!!Ask Pierre, he will tell you all about it in more clinical terms (gotta like that guy)

 

Seriously though, when you write, "is this a second chance" and "were we meant to be" I wonder what you mean by that cause, well, you're married, he's married, and your Last sentence or so states you'll just hang with the man you made vows to honor and cherish til death to... "for now".

 

Would you be considering or taking the steps to Divorce your husband if there was No One waiting in the wings? (and by no means am I saying he is waiting for you! Men are real pieces of work that way. Read around a bit about how MM say on thing then DO something different).

 

Peace*

[serial muse]

Wondering,

 

I suspect that you're viewing your relationship with your ex-fiance through rosy glasses. I have no doubt that you loved him very much, and you have said a lot about how you could talk for hours, etc. But I think it's quite significant that you also say that at the time, you felt very sure that you were making the right decision not to go through with the marriage.

 

Now, faced with the prospect of reestablishing that connection (and with some dissatisfaction with your husband), it seems that you're glossing over what wasn't right with your former relationship, and downgrading your decision to end the engagement as mere "cold feet". But that's a HUGE decision, and I'm sure it wasn't like flipping a switch or the product of one night's sleep! You had your reasons at the time, and I suspect they went quite a bit deeper than you're choosing to reflect on now.

 

What I'd suggest is that before you go any further, you spend some alone time being very honest with yourself. Try to get out of the seductive loop of convincing yourself that it's fated for you and your ex to get back together. That way lies quicksand.

 

Instead, try to re-insert yourself into your past relationship, and remember what really happened there. Why did you really decide not to go through with it?

 

This does not mean that you should stay in a marriage you aren't happy with. But it's not clear, from what you've written, that that's really where you are. In addition to thinking about the truth of your former relationship, there are a lot of other lines of questioning here that you should ponder very seriously. One - have you spoken with your husband about your dissatisfaction? Is he open to hearing your feelings, if so? Is he open to working on this with you? Two - supposing for a moment that you want a second chance with this man, are you certain that he would leave his wife? Is he really certain of that? "What-might-have-beens" are seductive and sexy, and certainly lead to affairs - but talking dreamily about the rosy past, or even engaging in an affair, is a FAR CRY from straight-up divorce with the attendant emotional fallout and pain, and there are children involved to boot. Are you sure he'd be up for that? Are you sure you would? Three - your unhappiness with your husband's role in the relationship sounds like it's real; but the prospect of a new relationship can often cast those feelings into another heightened realm; what was mild annoyance can suddenly feel "intolerable" because you're busily justifying the hurt you know you might do to him. That's not to say you should brush your concerns under the rug, but I'm just trying to offer some perspective.

 

I understand that you're at a crossroads - and this is the PERFECT time for you to do a little soul-searching and think about what's really going on with you, with him, what you really want, what you really need/can't live without. I hope you will.

Edited January 22, 2013 by serial muse

[Wonderinginthesouth]

Tigercub - Wow...yeah I would say that was more than harsh. I know its the norm these days for people to have affairs and if you go to lunch with the opposite sex and your married then people naturally assume you are doing more but that is not the case here! Its like men and women can not be friends these days without people accusing them of something. And frankly you don't know me. I also don't need to get a grip thank you. My husband is hard working and does help with housework but he is completely spoiled rotten and likes it. I am his sugar mama and he gets most everything he wants but NO he is not mature and has never lived on his own. Therefore he doesn't know how to run a household or make financial decisions...that's my point. Do you follow me? He lived with me for 2 years before we were married and never paid a dime towards any bill. It's a lot of my fault he is the way he is and I know that. My frustration with him has been long before anyone messaged me on facebook. He doesn't pull his weight but he wants all of the respect of a man that does. If you want to be the leader in the home then stand up and do it! Don't cower down and let the wife have to handle everything. That's just not right.

And no I haven't told my husband that I've been on 3 1 hour lunch outings with an ex in the last 2 years. He already knows about my past relationship and he's very jealous of my ex. They were friends in highschool. All I was trying to do in my post was see if there was anyone else out there that still talks to their ex occasionally (not every day or even every week)...just keeps in touch with them. You all can think whatever but I'm not planning a secret affair. I would divorce first before ever doing anything like that and NO it wouldn't be for any one else, it would be because I have just about had it! If you want to charge me with anything...you can charge me with being too giving to someone who takes me for granted and makes promises of returning to school but never does....but oh he wants a new boat and a new truck and a new gun...he uses me plain and simple and that's what I'm pissed about.

[Got it]

Tigercub - Wow...yeah I would say that was more than harsh. I know its the norm these days for people to have affairs and if you go to lunch with the opposite sex and your married then people naturally assume you are doing more but that is not the case here! Its like men and women can not be friends these days without people accusing them of something. And frankly you don't know me. I also don't need to get a grip thank you. My husband is hard working and does help with housework but he is completely spoiled rotten and likes it. I am his sugar mama and he gets most everything he wants but NO he is not mature and has never lived on his own. Therefore he doesn't know how to run a household or make financial decisions...that's my point. Do you follow me? He lived with me for 2 years before we were married and never paid a dime towards any bill. It's a lot of my fault he is the way he is and I know that. My frustration with him has been long before anyone messaged me on facebook. He doesn't pull his weight but he wants all of the respect of a man that does. If you want to be the leader in the home then stand up and do it! Don't cower down and let the wife have to handle everything. That's just not right.

And no I haven't told my husband that I've been on 3 1 hour lunch outings with an ex in the last 2 years. He already knows about my past relationship and he's very jealous of my ex. They were friends in highschool. All I was trying to do in my post was see if there was anyone else out there that still talks to their ex occasionally (not every day or even every week)...just keeps in touch with them. You all can think whatever but I'm not planning a secret affair. I would divorce first before ever doing anything like that and NO it wouldn't be for any one else, it would be because I have just about had it! If you want to charge me with anything...you can charge me with being too giving to someone who takes me for granted and makes promises of returning to school but never does....but oh he wants a new boat and a new truck and a new gun...he uses me plain and simple and that's what I'm pissed about.

 

I would focus on your marriage and decide what you want to do. It does sound like this are off balance but if, as you say, helped set it up like this then there will need to be time to address and effect change. Have you two tried MC?

 

If you wouldn't have an affair, then I wouldn't spend too much time thinking about "what ifs" about him. Too many what ifs can lead down the slippery slope, trust me.

 

Talk to your husband, tell him what you want, work towards a compromise, and see if you two can get this back to a happy medium.

[summerdowling87]

You two might not be having an affair right now.

 

But it going to lead to that and I bet you would not like it if your husband was doing the same with an old flame.

[Turtles]

Tigercub - Wow...yeah I would say that was more than harsh. I know its the norm these days for people to have affairs and if you go to lunch with the opposite sex and your married then people naturally assume you are doing more but that is not the case here! Its like men and women can not be friends these days without people accusing them of something. And frankly you don't know me. I also don't need to get a grip thank you. My husband is hard working and does help with housework but he is completely spoiled rotten and likes it. I am his sugar mama and he gets most everything he wants but NO he is not mature and has never lived on his own. Therefore he doesn't know how to run a household or make financial decisions...that's my point. Do you follow me? He lived with me for 2 years before we were married and never paid a dime towards any bill. It's a lot of my fault he is the way he is and I know that. My frustration with him has been long before anyone messaged me on facebook. He doesn't pull his weight but he wants all of the respect of a man that does. If you want to be the leader in the home then stand up and do it! Don't cower down and let the wife have to handle everything. That's just not right.

And no I haven't told my husband that I've been on 3 1 hour lunch outings with an ex in the last 2 years. He already knows about my past relationship and he's very jealous of my ex. They were friends in highschool. All I was trying to do in my post was see if there was anyone else out there that still talks to their ex occasionally (not every day or even every week)...just keeps in touch with them. You all can think whatever but I'm not planning a secret affair. I would divorce first before ever doing anything like that and NO it wouldn't be for any one else, it would be because I have just about had it! If you want to charge me with anything...you can charge me with being too giving to someone who takes me for granted and makes promises of returning to school but never does....but oh he wants a new boat and a new truck and a new gun...he uses me plain and simple and that's what I'm pissed about.

 

WIS on some level it's your fault for enabling him to be a spoiled brat. Now you're focusing all that energy in wondering what it would be like with your ex instead of trying to improve your situation. You asked a question on the internet, you have to be prepared to take the answers with a grain of salt because people will make a lot of assumptions, life is a little bit more complicated than that and not every situation fits the same mold, regardless it's pretty clear that you are focusing on that guy instead of on your marriage - e.g. look at the title of your post.

 

Regarding your question, my fiancee contacts her ex once in a great while, and I don't think anything of it. She is a big girl and she can handle herself. She never made it a secret to me and we both had a laugh when he was making some pathetic attempt at getting her back. They don't exactly have a friendship going on though so, different situation.

[TigerCub]

Tigercub - Wow...yeah I would say that was more than harsh. I know its the norm these days for people to have affairs and if you go to lunch with the opposite sex and your married then people naturally assume you are doing more but that is not the case here! Its like men and women can not be friends these days without people accusing them of something. And frankly you don't know me. I also don't need to get a grip thank you. My husband is hard working and does help with housework but he is completely spoiled rotten and likes it. I am his sugar mama and he gets most everything he wants but NO he is not mature and has never lived on his own. Therefore he doesn't know how to run a household or make financial decisions...that's my point. Do you follow me? He lived with me for 2 years before we were married and never paid a dime towards any bill. It's a lot of my fault he is the way he is and I know that. My frustration with him has been long before anyone messaged me on facebook. He doesn't pull his weight but he wants all of the respect of a man that does. If you want to be the leader in the home then stand up and do it! Don't cower down and let the wife have to handle everything. That's just not right.

 

 

And no I haven't told my husband that I've been on 3 1 hour lunch outings with an ex in the last 2 years. He already knows about my past relationship and he's very jealous of my ex. They were friends in highschool. All I was trying to do in my post was see if there was anyone else out there that still talks to their ex occasionally (not every day or even every week)...just keeps in touch with them. You all can think whatever but I'm not planning a secret affair. I would divorce first before ever doing anything like that and NO it wouldn't be for any one else, it would be because I have just about had it! If you want to charge me with anything...you can charge me with being too giving to someone who takes me for granted and makes promises of returning to school but never does....but oh he wants a new boat and a new truck and a new gun...he uses me plain and simple and that's what I'm pissed about.

 

That's why people assume things.

If you have nothing to hide and you "respect" your husband you would have told him.

 

I'm not accusing you of having an affair, but if you keep secretly meeting your ex to fantasize about the what ifs and vent about your respective spouses, that will lead to an affair (it may not be physical, but it will be emotional).

 

I'm not saying that people can't hang out with exs either. I hang out with an ex sometimes and we go watch a movie once in a few months, but he's truly just a friend and my bf KNOWS about every single outing and I have told him that if it bothers him, I would stop.

 

So that's the difference between what you're doing and what a person with nothing to hide would do.

 

You're right, I don't know you, and I'm really not trying to be mean to you, but you do have to realize that the path you're going down is exactly how the majority of affairs start (read on LS, there are thousands of threads to choose from).

 

You put up with your husbands actions and married him even after he showed what he was like- so yeah, part of that is on you. You chose him with all those bad qualities. If they are really frustrating you and hurting you now, address these issues with him. I don't blame you for being upset and frustrated by him (I know I sure would be), I just think that it would be more effective to face the marital issues head on (in counseling perhaps) than to escape them in fantasy with your ex.

Edited January 23, 2013 by TigerCub

[Ninjainpajamas]

Sounds like you're putting the cart before the horse here...you're essentially just justifying why you are not currently happy in your marriage and thinking of a way to feel ok if things don't work out....and oh, coincidentally end up back with your ex fiance who....oh, coincidentally is having the same problem in his relationship and you guys talk about it and get along so well, yadda yadda yadda.

 

Look realize that your relationship with him didn't work out for a reason, and no...it doesn't mean you should have been married or stayed together, the thing is all those bad memories have kind of subsided and why? because the emotions always get ya! that's nothing new here.

 

Being in your situation? I've learned a lot time ago that some people are not meant to be in your life as a romantic partner, and sometimes not meant to be together. Or honestly, I could essentially bounce around to the day I die going back to lost emotions and rekindling old flames. You've got to be realistic and realize that things are not just going to go back...you've moved on, you've grown up and even changed...the ship has sailed and no matter how good this rekindled flame feels it does not mean you make any grand decisions over...which I'm sure you'll convince yourself this is all just a rational and emotional realization that coincided with your unhappiness in your life...there is merely a "transition".

 

No, I don't think it's a good idea nor do I think you two should be together. I think you need to realize what you need out of your current marriage and communication in that relationship. You're already getting in a potential situation that could cause a lot of drama for your life....plus you have a damn one year old, you couldn't have had this revelation two years ago when you decided to do that?

 

I know you're going to have a hundred and one ways of resolving this to yourself but it's all bad. You're being short-sighted and letting this guy and his unfilled marriage as well as yours dictate too much here, you're just reminiscing your life away and hopefully you wake up and realize this isn't the right course of action.

 

You are emotionally cheating btw if that's not obvious. But you do have to consider what you're thinking and doing here, and what you really want. If you do make this sacrifice to be with your ex again, it's not all going to be magical and wonder...you're going to hid some snags in the road, and you'll remember real quick what was wrong with the relationship.

[richardd2805]

Once bitten twice shy they say. With the supposed demise of romance, more people are shying away from love.

When someone dumps you for someone else – especially after having gone extra miles for them – it wont be easy to gamble with your heart and feelings again. Some people go into depression that makes them lose their friends or their jobs. Some end up loathing members of the opposite sex and taking their anger and frustrations out on them. Some take a break from love and focus on other things.