GF plans to go on Spring Break without me

[jordjones]

Common scenario: I am 27, GF of three months, is 21. GF notified me today of potential plans to go with some of her friends to Panama City, FL for Spring Break. Plans are not final, yet, but I was not asked if I wanted to go. Coincidentally, the first of the two nights that are scheduled is my birthday.

 

Background: My girlfriend is the "life of the party, party girl" type (red flags, I know) and we just fell for one another under odd circumstances. While she hasn't crossed the line yet, there have already been a few instances where she has disrespected me and the relationship. I've seen her best friend (who would be going on the trip) cheat on her boyfriend a few times; I know that those invited on the trip would only encourage her to behave inappropriately and I'm not going to allow myself to stomach this scenario.

 

Ultimatum: Since the plans are still up in the air, I didn't really say anything when I heard about them. However, I've made the decision that if the plans become more definite, I'll tell her something along the lines of: if you want to have a serious relationship with me, this is simply not OK. You know that this would make anybody anxious...put the boot on the other foot. So, by going without me, you'd be disrespecting me and the relationship.

 

I just want thoughts and feedback about my approach and decision. Thank you.

[Leigh 87]

Honestly. The majority of 21 year olds are NOT in any way equip to handle a serious relationship.

 

And really, is it really worth being with a girl who will go off on a well docmented partying holiday, when you know her friends cheat?

 

You will feel like cr@p if you stay with a girl who goes and does this. You just will not feel secure.

 

Is she not capable of truly loving a guy, and not cheating? Maybe. But the chances are too slim (that you are "the right guy" that wills top her from being young and doing what all young students do) for you to bother risking your heart on her.

 

It is a really tricky situation man, and it is NOT necessarly because she is not into you enough! Some people say you can fall in love just like that: that if it is the right person, that regardless of the circumstances, you will be together and never cheat.

 

Keep her age in mind please; most women of this generation do not know themselves well at age 21... She is probably not mature or self aware enough to know enough about who she truly is.

 

Even if she did fall hard in love with a guy, which in my opinion takes longer than 3 months: maybe she is not equip to deal with the temptation of spring break.

 

 

...There are too many variables here. For your own sanity, I would cut my losses now, because you will feel better if you switch off and stop caring as much about her NOW, than if you develope stronger feelings (through spending time and talking with her), only to be on edge the WHOLE of spring break.

 

 

 

 

....This is a real shame, perhaps you are the loves of each others lives and later down the track, you will re connect. But right now, it is healthier for her, mentally speaking, to just be a 21 year old and learn more about who she is, with no obligations.

 

Lots of those girls mean well, but it just is not the right time for a SERIOUS, life long relationship.

 

Good luck with it, you know that you have loads of people to talk to about going no contact and breaking up. It is truly awful, but it may help you if you have many people going through the same thing as you, who can just talk to you about it.

 

Sorry about your situation, I wish you well with it all.

 

Maybe next time you will knowingly just stick to fun with younger girls, to avert this sort of scenario happening again.

[Leigh 87]

May I add - if I was in love with a person (which I am actually!) I would never put them in a position that would hurt them.

 

This girl does not know you well enough, and is probably not mature enough to really be able to put your feelings above all else.

 

It is not that she is not into you enough, but things are just too early and she seams too immature to say " I really really like you, I will cancel my trip and hang with you during spring break, your feelings are more important than spring break, a rite of passage for many young women"

[darkmoon]

if you want to have a serious relationship with me, this is simply not OK. You know that this would make anybody anxious...put the boot on the other foot. So, by going without me, you'd be disrespecting me and the relationship.

 

you'll find out if she loves you or not when you tell her this, it's an ultimatum so expect anything as a response and accept it, if she's flighty and raves unecessarily then you are not suited to each other, or you can accept that she has a great gusto for life, i'd walk if i felt slighted

Edited January 22, 2013 by darkmoon

[road]

jordjones, you are right to not want you GF to go on a vacation without you.

 

Tell her the reasons. Toxic friends that cheat, people in relationships should be going on separate vacations.

 

Also do not wait till the plans firm up because then GF will use the I already bought my ticket ploy.

Edited January 22, 2013 by road

[NervisPervis]

Background: My girlfriend is the "life of the party, party girl" type ...

 

While she hasn't crossed the line yet, there have already been a few instances where she has disrespected me and the relationship.

 

I've seen her best friend (who would be going on the trip) cheat on her boyfriend a few times...

 

I know that those invited on the trip would only encourage her to behave inappropriately and I'm not going to allow myself to stomach this scenario.

 

Look at that first paragraph of yours. Broken up into 4 very distinct points.

 

She's 21. She needs to act like it. Let her. You are 27. You need to act like it. Find a girl that values what you value.

 

I'm not saying you can't date a party girl. Just make sure her partying ways are LONG over before you do. She's 21. Hers just started. Leave the trip out of it and I'd tell you you were probably better off finding someone else your own age (in maturity, if not years). But first spring break at the age of majority? Traveling with s.l.u.t friends that will encourage her to "go for it"? NO WAY. There will be A LOT of inappropriate actions with A LOT of different boys. You will NOT hear about it. Will you be OK with that?

 

Don't stop her. Let her go (she will anyhow). You just need to come out of it NOT looking like a groveling, jealous 5 year old puppy. Like Leigh said, start disconnecting now. Maybe by then you won't even be thinking about her while she's partying with all of those college boys.

[Els]

I don't understand your dilemma at all.

 

You KNEW who she was and what she was like when you got together with her. Now you're giving her ultimatums because you're afraid of what she'll do on spring break. Well, let's fast-forward this and say that she actually agrees to your ultimatum. But she's STILL a 'party girl' and her best friend is still a serial cheater. Does that sound like your R is going in the right direction to you?

 

You're trying to force a round peg into a square hole. Values like these are incredibly important stuff in a R and you're starting off extremely incompatible - not good. Let her party out her wild years, and go for someone with a mindset similar to yours.

[TaraMaiden]

Personally, I think you're being a little harsh, overly severe and not a little controlling.

But then, I'm 55 and old enough to be your mother.

So I have an altogether different perspective to yours....

 

And she's young enough to be free to live life as she wants.

You're mis-matched.

You have certain goals.

She currently has others.

 

Neither of you is WRONG.

 

But you're on 'different pages' so I'd get a new book, if I were you.

But don't give ultimatums.

Why end on a sour note, simply because she is more free-spirited than you?

Why be hostile?

You're making demands on her she may feel equally affronted by....

 

Whatever you may think of her and the life she leads or who she's with, frankly, you don't own her. She's entitled to want those things... just as you're entitled to ask for what you want.

Just don't ask her.

 

Let her down politely, and go your separate ways.

[NervisPervis]

Are you serious? So if he has some interest in this relationship he needs to accept his girlfriend going to have a wild sex weekend with her $lut friend?

wow...woman your advise is great... lol... yeah man ... you can buy her condoms too... pfffff

 

I don't know if I worded it incorrectly or if you jumped to some insane conclusion. But just to make sure there are no other misunderstandings for the OP...

 

He needs to break up with her and find someone who shares his values. Yes, he needs to accept she's going. No, he shouldn't be there when she gets back. If possible, he shouldn't be there when she leaves.

 

Better?

[TaraMaiden]

what right does he have to impose that choice on her?

[NervisPervis]

he can present the fact that her trip is a deal breaker for him and see if she wants to keep the R or the trip right?

 

Wrong. He forces her not to go, it's not going to change her. She's still a party girl just learning how to party. The trip has nothing to do with this. She goes, she cheats. She DOESN'T go? She resents him and she's still out partying with the s.l.u.t friends. There is no "win" to staying with her. Nothing against her. But it's why you date. To see who is compatible. Her and him are not.

[Els]

I guess that is something the OP needs to establish... you don't know the girl... he does... so if he is with her it should be a reason I guess...

 

I would just let her chose and see how she moves on from here... if she does not come to where I think a serious relationship needs to stand then at that moment I would take the next steps... (dumping her if you want to know)

 

Sure, he CAN do that.

 

But that's really like a woman dating a guy whom she already knows is a huge beer-guzzler, and then telling him that she'll break up with him if he goes on the pub crawl with his friends on Friday as they'd planned. Not terribly smart.

[NervisPervis]

OK. We've given our opinions. Let someone else chime in. We're not here to win arguments among ourselves. I think we all know where each other stands. Let him decide. This is not OUR thread. Not our problem.

[Els]

Yep and what is the problem with it? If they guy wants to be with that girl... he knows what he needs to do...

Unfortunately the world is not perfect and when people get together, often, they need to adapt one to the other... nothing wrong with that under my point of view!

 

There is a problem with it because the person is choosing to be with someone whom they already know has a wildly incompatible outlook in an area that is important to them, but instead of mutual discussion and compromise to resolve the incompatibility, they issue ultimatums to attempt to change the other person to fit their model. That is a HUGE problem and not a good habit to fall into. It's pretty much setting yourself up for failure no matter what R you're in.

[veggirl]

It's only been 3 months and you can already say that she has disrespected you and the relationship multiple times. Trip or no trip, she doesn't sound like she is the girl for you dude.

[loversquarrel]

Honestly, it's only been 3 months. You are going to get hurt by your own ultimatum, she isn't going to adhere to it. You may want to consider breaking it off with her, but do it in class and maintain control over yourself. Give her the "difference in maturity level" speach and let her be on her way. She's going to go any way you look at it, but you come out looking stronger and less attainable to her. Respect yourself and understand you are more mature and deserve better.

[clia]

Common scenario: I am 27, GF of three months, is 21. GF notified me today of potential plans to go with some of her friends to Panama City, FL for Spring Break. Plans are not final, yet, but I was not asked if I wanted to go. Coincidentally, the first of the two nights that are scheduled is my birthday.

 

I think it's funny that a 27 year old man is all butthurt that his 21 year old girlfriend of three months might go on a spring break trip with her girlfriends and didn't invite him. It's even funnier that he's butthurt because she might not be around for his birthday. I mean, seriously?

 

If you can't trust her at the three month mark, you shouldn't be dating her! Moreover, let her go on spring break for God's sakes! It's a rite of passage. If you try to prevent this trip, she will resent you. The best thing you could do is give her a hug and a kiss and tell her to have a great time. Again, if you can't trust her at three months in, you've got major red flags in your relationship anyway.

 

Also, I'm curious -- did you ever go on a spring break trip with your friends when you were in college?

[jordjones]

I think it's funny that a 27 year old man is all butthurt that his 21 year old girlfriend of three months might go on a spring break trip with her girlfriends and didn't invite him. It's even funnier that he's butthurt because she might not be around for his birthday. I mean, seriously?

 

If you can't trust her at the three month mark, you shouldn't be dating her! Moreover, let her go on spring break for God's sakes! It's a rite of passage. If you try to prevent this trip, she will resent you. The best thing you could do is give her a hug and a kiss and tell her to have a great time. Again, if you can't trust her at three months in, you've got major red flags in your relationship anyway.

 

Also, I'm curious -- did you ever go on a spring break trip with your friends when you were in college?

 

Most cheating and inappropriate actions are not intentional - they are often a product of the environment one puts him/herself in. Spring Break in Panama City is a powder keg of temptation that could lead the most faithful to stray. I have always been faithful in relationships, but would be concerned about my own ability to remain faithful in such a situation.

[jordjones]

Look at that first paragraph of yours. Broken up into 4 very distinct points.

 

She's 21. She needs to act like it. Let her. You are 27. You need to act like it. Find a girl that values what you value.

 

I'm not saying you can't date a party girl. Just make sure her partying ways are LONG over before you do. She's 21. Hers just started. Leave the trip out of it and I'd tell you you were probably better off finding someone else your own age (in maturity, if not years). But first spring break at the age of majority? Traveling with s.l.u.t friends that will encourage her to "go for it"? NO WAY. There will be A LOT of inappropriate actions with A LOT of different boys. You will NOT hear about it. Will you be OK with that?

 

Don't stop her. Let her go (she will anyhow). You just need to come out of it NOT looking like a groveling, jealous 5 year old puppy. Like Leigh said, start disconnecting now. Maybe by then you won't even be thinking about her while she's partying with all of those college boys.

 

While I've done it before, I don't think it's ever appropriate to pull a "slow fade" with the intention of dumping somebody. Furthermore, since she is so young and immature, as you suggest, does there not exist the possibility that she is not completely aware of what she is doing? Should I not lay it out there for her, as I see it?

 

I love her and believe she loves me. Perhaps our differences in age and maturity have us doomed already. But should I not outline the situation for her so that she can at least make a decision on whether or not the relationship is worth it to her? That seems way more mature than telling her I'm OK with it (when I'm not) and checking out prematurely.

 

Lastly, I don't care how I come across. I've never been the jealous type and have always given her ample freedom; she has done the same. This doesn't sit well with me, so I'll eventually tell her how I feel. She can take it or leave it and I will be fine with that. At the very least, we will have a better understanding of where each other stands when it comes to boundaries and how willing we are to respect them.

[loversquarrel]

Most cheating and inappropriate actions are not intentional - they are often a product of the environment one puts him/herself in. Spring Break in Panama City is a powder keg of temptation that could lead the most faithful to stray. I have always been faithful in relationships, but would be concerned about my own ability to remain faithful in such a situation.

 

 

Oh no....cheating is very intentional. You could surround me with heroin and I won't use the ****. People who are in love don't do that to eachother no matter the temptation.

[TaraMaiden]

Most cheating and inappropriate actions are not intentional - they are often a product of the environment one puts him/herself in.

There is not a single instance of infidelity where the person cheating has not had the choice, or has been completely powerless, to stop.

ALL Cheating is intentional.

it's a deliberate choice.

Do I splay my legs/slip my dick in when I shouldn't?

is the one and only question the cheater should be asking.

 

If they put themselves into such an environment - it means they made a choice to be there!!

 

 

Spring Break in Panama City is a powder keg of temptation that could lead the most faithful to stray.

Why?

Is it different to London?

New York?

Paris?

Vienna?

Sidney?

Rome?

 

Why would it be a temptation?

You only play with a powder keg dangerously, if you actually strike a match....

I have always been faithful in relationships, but would be concerned about my own ability to remain faithful in such a situation.

Then never, ever put yourself in a relationship where your SO is under the impression you will remain exclusive.

never get married, and don't take vows.

And be open and honest with your SO:

"I love you, but if *such a situation* arises, I may well play the field all the while we're together. Just being honest....

How is that with you?"

 

Watch them run a mile.....

[Woggle]

Chances are I would not trust but you don't date somebody like this and expect them to be a nature relationship partner.

[Bryanp]

I think it is telling that she made a point not to ask her boyfriend to vacation with her.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not going to start an off-shoot discussion with you about this, again. I've made my comments, be happy with that.

if you're not, let's just agree to differ, okay?

[pteromom]

OP, either you trust your GF, or you don't... quite simple really...

 

 

This!

 

You cannot control someone into not cheating. They will or they won't. If she is inclined to cheat, preventing her from going on a trip will not stop her. If she would never cheat, hanging around slutty friends won't turn her into a cheater.

 

You need to give her the freedom to live her life as she wants to. And then you have to decide whether her choice fits with what you want out of a relationship or not.