GF plans to go on Spring Break without me

[veggirl]

His gf has already proven untrusthworthy it sounds like, since he said that at only THREE MONTHS in she has "disrespected" their relationship. whats that all about? why would you even want to stay with someone who does that s.hit so early on?

 

BTW why don't you tell her your concerns NOW?? Why would you wait til things are more "definite"? aka tickets have been bought etc. whats the point of telling her then? tell her now.

[clia]

You need to be kidding me, can't he set boundaries in his relationship? Does he need to accept anything and everything based on trust? He has his own deal breakers and he is in his own right to put them forward if it is necessary... By the way, have you ever been in spring break?????

 

He can absolutely try to set boundaries. I just happen to think this one is absurd given her age and what she wants to do. I'd dump a guy flat out if he tried to tell me I couldn't go on vacation with my friends because he was afraid I might fall into bed naked with another guy. Talk about insecure.

 

And yes, I did go on spring break when I was 21 to Florida with my girlfriends. I had a long term boyfriend at the time, and he wished me well and told me to have a great time. Guess what? I didn't cheat on him. I had no desire to cheat on him because I loved him very much. It didn't even come up. It's very, very possible to have a lot of fun on spring break without making out or having sex. And he didn't worry about me cheating on him. Why? Because trusted me. The missing element here.

[MissBee]

Look at that first paragraph of yours. Broken up into 4 very distinct points.

 

She's 21. She needs to act like it. Let her. You are 27. You need to act like it. Find a girl that values what you value.

 

I'm not saying you can't date a party girl. Just make sure her partying ways are LONG over before you do. She's 21. Hers just started. Leave the trip out of it and I'd tell you you were probably better off finding someone else your own age (in maturity, if not years). But first spring break at the age of majority? Traveling with s.l.u.t friends that will encourage her to "go for it"? NO WAY. There will be A LOT of inappropriate actions with A LOT of different boys. You will NOT hear about it. Will you be OK with that?

 

Don't stop her. Let her go (she will anyhow). You just need to come out of it NOT looking like a groveling, jealous 5 year old puppy. Like Leigh said, start disconnecting now. Maybe by then you won't even be thinking about her while she's partying with all of those college boys.

 

I agree.

 

I wince when I see (or read) about people in relationships with people they're incompatible with, and then they bend, contort, fret and try to coerce the person into being different for them. It usually doesn't work and makes for misery.

 

If your girlfriend's lifestyle, friends and partying ways don't suit you....then you need to reconsider if you guys need to be in a "serious" relationship. As Nervis suggested, perhaps you need to make sure you're dating someone who is on the same wavelength, same maturity and wants the same things as you do. Is your girlfriend this person or are you simply trying to force her into being such?

 

Her going on this trip or not really is the least of your concerns...

[Chi townD]

Well, I can see where he's coming from. I remember going down south for Spring Break when I was in college and that was....pretty insane. So, I can understand the insecurity.

 

But, you would have to have a serious talk about everything before she goes. You need to communicate your concerns or else they're going to eat away at you.

 

And if you don't trust her...well, you're only three months into the relationship, might be best to cut ties.

 

But, on the flip side. Spring Break can be expensive. And if they don't have a room booked RIGHT NOW. They're never going to get one. Those places can book a year out in advance. And you run into a couple of people agreeing to go but in the end, turns out they can't and then they can't go because they factored their contribution to the trip into the cost. Now, they don't have enough. Lot's of factors that can make this deal fall through.

[road]

I guess they can decide themselves if they are a miss match or not.. he can present the fact that her trip is a deal breaker for him and see if she wants to keep the R or the trip right?

There is not sour notes here.. it is just a take it or leave it note and he has all the right to put it on the table if he feels uncomfortable with it!

 

 

me, you are 100% right. The orig poster is in a relationship. His requirements to expect his GF to not act like the town hoe, to not disrespect him is not controlling.

 

It is the OP saying I will not be a door mat to any woman. I expect my woman to maintain appropriate boundaries at all times.

 

Only the woman that complains her BF/husband is controlling is because that woman does not want her BF/H to intefere with being able to slut around on him.

 

There is no control game here. The GF can chose to act in a respectful maner with her BF or chose to cheat around. The BF is not being controlling he is giving his GF the choice. Him or be the town cheat.

 

Dating is the job addition for marriage. This girl has to decide does she want the job or she does not care.

 

They should be planning on going on vacations together. Not separate vacations.

[Els]

me, you are 100% right. The orig poster is in a relationship. His requirements to expect his GF to not act like the town hoe, to not disrespect him is not controlling.

 

It is the OP saying I will not be a door mat to any woman. I expect my woman to maintain appropriate boundaries at all times.

 

Only the woman that complains her BF/husband is controlling is because that woman does not want her BF/H to intefere with being able to slut around on him.

 

There is no control game here. The GF can chose to act in a respectful maner with her BF or chose to cheat around. The BF is not being controlling he is giving his GF the choice. Him or be the town cheat.

 

Dating is the job addition for marriage. This girl has to decide does she want the job or she does not care.

 

They should be planning on going on vacations together. Not separate vacations.

 

Do you really think that her not going on spring break is going to change who she is (which he doesn't approve of to begin with)?

[Radu]

Common scenario: I am 27, GF of three months, is 21. GF notified me today of potential plans to go with some of her friends to Panama City, FL for Spring Break. Plans are not final, yet, but I was not asked if I wanted to go. Coincidentally, the first of the two nights that are scheduled is my birthday.

She does not want to use the opportunity to be with you on your b-day, and chooses her girlfriends partying with her over it ?

Because this is what it boils down to.

 

Background: My girlfriend is the "life of the party, party girl" type (red flags, I know) and we just fell for one another under odd circumstances. While she hasn't crossed the line yet, there have already been a few instances where she has disrespected me and the relationship. I've seen her best friend (who would be going on the trip) cheat on her boyfriend a few times; I know that those invited on the trip would only encourage her to behave inappropriately and I'm not going to allow myself to stomach this scenario.

Then don't.

Lots of red flags tbh.

 

Ultimatum: Since the plans are still up in the air, I didn't really say anything when I heard about them. However, I've made the decision that if the plans become more definite, I'll tell her something along the lines of: if you want to have a serious relationship with me, this is simply not OK. You know that this would make anybody anxious...put the boot on the other foot. So, by going without me, you'd be disrespecting me and the relationship.

Don't do ultimatums.

Ultimatums are not conducive to a healthy relationship.

If she goes, end the relationship. If she doesn't go and acts right from then on, stay with her.

 

I just want thoughts and feedback about my approach and decision. Thank you.

If she goes, dump her.

[road]

Don't do ultimatums.

Ultimatums are not conducive to a healthy relationship.

If she goes, end the relationship. If she doesn't go and acts right from then on, stay with her.

 

 

If she goes, dump her.

 

 

You say don't do ultimatums.

 

Then you say she goes then dump her.

 

Do you find the need to butter your toast on both sides because you speak from both sides of your mouth.

 

There are values that people hold that are important enough that are deal breakers in a relationship. There will always be ultimatums.

[NervisPervis]

Do you really think that her not going on spring break is going to change who she is (which he doesn't approve of to begin with)?

 

Not at all. And the intelligent opinions here (mine included) are EXACTLY that. Spring Break has nothing to do with this. A three MONTH relationship with an immature party girl that doesn't seem to share his values (monogomy being one, evidently). This spring break trip, at 21, is her "I have arrived" moment. She's just getting ramped up. Let the party begin!!

 

Anyone who doesn't see that these are two totally different people that probably shouldn't be together are getting caught up in their own little agendas.

 

OP: How many times does she go out clubbing in tiny little outfits with these s.l.u.t friends and not you? I'm guessing she's had a few little spring breaks already. Explain the "disrespected our relationship" commnet. I'll bet it fits nicely into this discussion. May even change a few opinions.

 

I'm out. Good luck to you sir.

[ascendotum]

OP, either you trust your GF, or you don't... quite simple really...

 

I would find it really disrespectful to be told that if I hang out with my mates my SO will end our relationship...why should you be invited with her mates anyway??? grow up!!

 

and even worse, you're basically saying you think she will cheat because her friends have been known to... wow... is she a moron and just does what others do, or can she think for herself????

 

for me, relationships are about trust, if you don't have any, let her go... it will be best for all concerned....

 

 

It seems to me he trusts her up to a certain extent. She's a bit of a party girl, but maybe on the weekends he's out there with her regularly. I think there is a difference between getting told you cant hang out with your mates VS being told you cant go on a holiday with your single sleazy mates to a party town without me for the week. A lot of women here would see a difference if their bf was going with a couple of his mates for a ski trip to the Rockies VS for a trip to Pattaya Thailand with his single boozy mates some of who cheat or root anything they can. I can tell you now a lot of women would lay down an ultimatum on that...but would likely say they trust their bf otherwise, buuuut just don't feel comfortable with this, and would feel disrespected if he went. (basically they trust him normally but not in this situation but wont come out and say it). Look at the shyte fights on LS when a bf spends a hour in a strip joint, which is much much milder in comparison to this in my book. Tell those guys to tell their gfs to grow up!

 

I agree she's still young & its a bit of a right of passage...but sorry some things change when you are in a relationship. People here are cutting her slack because of her age (and I am too), but I bet if a guy/girl was 25 and wanting to do this, majority here would think they would be disrespecting their partner (as seen in past posts of this nature).

 

While she can think for herself, as can anyone over 18 say that about themselves, you cant deny the big influence people's close friends can have on shaping their morals and views on the world, especially at 21. I agree that just because her best friend cheats and says there is nothing wrong with it does not mean his girl will go along with those ethics. When you are young & adventurous & impressionable & drunk, its not so cut and dry for many. (every thread on LS about a girl with an older man, the women will have you think she can't think for herself. )

 

This is a tricky situation but I think he should state his feelings on the matter to her (no ultimatum) and then decide if he can live with her going on a party vacation and hope she does the right thing by him. I think he just have to cut her some slack given its a one off event (unlike his birthday)...and well also, this kind of apprehension comes with the territory when you date a bit of a party girl and she goes out with out you.