Sunflower22 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I have been married to my husband for 5 years. For about the last year it has been miserable with him. I suspect that he is cheating or at least getting some sort of attention from other women and how far it has went I am not sure. My question is as the other woman how often did you see the man? Was once a week for an hour or two enough? Was once a month for a day or two enough? How often did you communicate with him and how? As a woman I know that to sustain any relationship you have to feel important so how do these men make you feel this way with so little time involved? Also, I wanted to ask if most of the men get caught and if so how soon. How do they get caught. I am not judging anyone I am just besides myself and hurt all the time that I am searching for answers to this insane mystery. My husband works from home most days. He is with the family everynight and every weekend. I never see him on his cell phone after hours or on the weekends so during this time I would have to assume there is no communication. He does travel to other states once or twice a month and this is where I had thought some of the cheating may be taking place but the confusing part is that although he often goes to the same place, its not always the same place. When he does go it is typically for a one night stay and home the next day. I don't know of any large amounts of money missing from our account. But I can't get rid of this feeling that he is cheating. Reasons why I am suspicious: I always catch him in little lies. They are stupid little lies and the story never adds up. Sometimes his stories just sound like lies but I never confirm that it is a true lie. He does not want me going on his work trips with him. He gets very angry about the topic when I feel like a husband should want to be with his wife. He omits details about his trips that he says are not important so he didn't think to tell me. He does give me the hotel information, agenda, and flight information for his trips but he feels this is controlling. He says I should not interfer in his work and he seems to be willing to give up our marriage if I insist on being to involved. This is the biggest reason why I think something is wrong. He has been like this since we were a year and half married and he has switched jobs recently. Sometimes he is ok with me going on a trip if it makes since to him. I have seen some communication between him and a girl in the company that seemed inappropriate to me but he says it is innocent and this particular girl does something else and travels to a different region as far as I know so she wouldn't be on his trips. She also lives in another state than we do. He says the only time he sees her is once a year at their coorporate event. I found another text on his phone a month ago from an old girlfriend and it read "remember when we use to be friends" The wierd part is that they have not spoke to my knowledge in 5 years and he has changed his cell number since then. It is a coorporate phone so It would be difficult to get the number I think. he said she must have known someone from one of his customers who gave it to her. He says she could find this information on linked in. He did text her back and tell her he was married and that it was not appropriate for her to contact him. But it just seems strange. He asked her in the text how she got his number and she said why are you in big trouble. This girl does live close enough to us. I am not sure what to think or how to find the answers I am looking for. I am just trying to get some help. Maybe I am just suspicious and he is doing nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Do you want responses only from those that have been the other woman or from the group at large? Your title implies only OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunflower22 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Share Posted January 22, 2013 I would like to hear from anyone who has some input that may help Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 The term gas lighting is what many WS's say and do to make their spouse doubt themselves, that they're imagining things. Many WS's become annoyed and angry and lash out at their spouse, accusing them of being paranoid and controlling. It's crazy making, because you do want to trust them, but when something doesn't make sense there's a reason why it doesn't make sense and your gut instinct keeps kicking in. I would suggest you hire a private investigator in the city your husband travels to. This is what I did and within a couple of days I had solid proof, pictures of them together and the identity of who the other woman was. I would stop questioning your husband, act as normal as possible, give him no reason to think you're on to him. Do not give your husband a reason to be on guard, let him think he's got you under control. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunflower22 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Share Posted January 22, 2013 how did you find a private investigator? do you think he must be seeing her on his trips? So you think I am probably right Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 how did you find a private investigator? do you think he must be seeing her on his trips? So you think I am probably right I think you are right. I do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 For about the last year it has been miserable with him. I suspect that he is cheating or at least getting some sort of attention from other women and how far it has went I am not sure. How has it been miserable? Based on what you have stated here i think it is a bit premature to automatically suspect cheating as the cause. You mentioned that he works at home a lot. Do you work away from the home? Regardless, anyone that has access to a computer can communicate at any given time unless you are watching over thier shoulder every minute of the day. My advice would be to come out and ask him if anything is bothering him within your relationship. At the same time you should express issues you may be having, rather than making assumptions that are likely to drive you crazy Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 (edited) how did you find a private investigator? do you think he must be seeing her on his trips? So you think I am probably right Yes, I think your gut is probably right. I googled PI's in my city, and spoke with a few and then hired the one from a very reputable agency. My PI trailed my husband in my city but also sub-contracted another PI in the city where my husband traveled to. I had all the bases covered. If your have the funds to put your mind at rest, it's worth every penny. Edited January 22, 2013 by Furious Correction Link to post Share on other sites
Yellowteacup Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Go with your gut. He's hiding little details and that alone sends up red flags. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 The fact that he doesn't want you to accompany him on work trips is not a red flag IMO. Unless its somewhere special (tropical, near family, etc), he probably doesn't want the stress of trying to do his job and then also entertain you. At the end of a work travel day (flying, meetings, driving), I usually just want to lay in the bed & veg out. That said, you know your husband better than any of us, so if something seems "off" it probably is. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunflower22 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Share Posted January 22, 2013 Yes, this is one of the things he says to me. That he does not want to entertain me but I don't expect him to. I can entertain myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunflower22 Posted January 22, 2013 Author Share Posted January 22, 2013 So your husband travels also. It is so nice to talk to someone in a similar situation. Did he act the same way as what I described? Don't mean to get to personal but was he taking her with him? Why cheat? why not just end the marriage? At least its honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 (edited) If your have the funds to put your mind at rest, it's worth every penny. That depends. My MOW's husband spent $10k and all it was worth was a large hole in his wallet. But at least his mind is at 'rest'. Edited January 22, 2013 by Realist3 Link to post Share on other sites
SunshineToday Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Some OW are willing to accept very little time to still feel they have a good enough relationship with the MM. Some even posted on here their A was totally online. So you really can't judge it by how much time he is spending away or on the phone. If he is going away on Business trips alone--right there is a way. You need to keep digging. Maybe a Voice Activated Recorder in his car. I know this is a good way to catch a chatting cheater. Also keep on top of his cell phone. Watch the records! But that isn't always a smoking gun because he could have gotten a "burner" phone that you can't keep an eye on. If you feel something is off, it probably is. Best of luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 So your husband travels also. It is so nice to talk to someone in a similar situation. Did he act the same way as what I described? Don't mean to get to personal but was he taking her with him? Why cheat? why not just end the marriage? At least its honest. My husband was promoted and this involved travel to the head office in another city a couple of times a month. He'd be gone up to three days on each trip. He met the OW in a bar in that city. She was also married. This affair went on for almost two years. My husband did become moodier, he complained of being stressed from work, he also fluctuated from being very loving with me and then back to stressed out and just not himself. I knew something was off, and like you my husband was mostly around and home with me and the kids, nothing unusual in the home front, the only time he wasn't around was when he was away on business, and even then he'd call me up to two or three times a day when he was away. I have my own business and two children, traveling with him on business was just not an option. I accidentally came across a receipt in an old jacket of his, paid for in cash. The feeling in my stomach suddenly made made see more clearly the subtle and vague difference in the man I knew. I trusted my gut, I forced myself to act as normal as possible, even though I felt raw and nauseous that whole time. If anything,your husband is being way more suspicious than my own husband was. I think your gut instinct is spot on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 That depends. My MOW's husband spent $10k and all it was worth was a large hole in his wallet. But at least his mind is at 'rest'. Right, the PI who told your married other woman he was hired by her husband to follow her:D 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Right, the PI who told your married other woman he was hired by her husband to follow her:D That was long after it happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 He spent $6k on one and $4k on another. Only one told her months after the fact. The second was found out by discovery of the final report. Just saying you can spend a lot on nothing for a false sense of 'rest'. There are much cheaper ways to get the answers she seeks. Regardless if he is having something out of town, which I doubt, there would be lot of communication going on outside of those trips. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Yes, this is one of the things he says to me. That he does not want to entertain me but I don't expect him to. I can entertain myself. Sunflower, yes while he's working once you get there, I'm sure you can. But as business traveler 2x/mo, I know I've got my airport routine down pat and usually some work to do on the flight. It would be distributive and distracting to have my H participating in all that. And like I said, after a long day, you just want to decompress. Plus if he has dinners with colleagues or clients, I think it's also very unprofessional to bring your wife along (as the only spouse). Again, not dismissing your concerns at all because the moodiness seems to be a red flag, but I really don't think you should pressure your H to take you on routine business trips. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Regardless if he is having something out of town, which I doubt, there would be lot of communication going on outside of those trips. ^^^Definitely. It's not simple to coordinate the logistics. At the time of DDay, xMM and I had days/potential cities slotted thru March of this year so we could align travel as opportunities came up. We spoke 1hr video calls mornings M-F, messaged every day & after dinner until bedtime through a game app. Plus intermittent pics sent on phones. Both of our spouses noticed our increased phone usage. And I changed the passcode & took it to the bathroom with me. I think you'd notice him attached to his phone. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Sunflower22 A warning: The poster's who are telling you you may be overacting and that hiring a PI may be money down the drain are either in an affair or have been in affair. Realist is in a full blown affair, and BrokenPrincess conducted her affair when out of town on business trips. Yes I did but I do not think she is overreacting at all about her suspicions nor did I say that. I just don't think not wanting your spouse on a work trip means cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 sorry, but I'd be suspicious. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 ^^^Definitely. It's not simple to coordinate the logistics. At the time of DDay, xMM and I had days/potential cities slotted thru March of this year so we could align travel as opportunities came up. We spoke 1hr video calls mornings M-F, messaged every day & after dinner until bedtime through a game app. Plus intermittent pics sent on phones. Both of our spouses noticed our increased phone usage. And I changed the passcode & took it to the bathroom with me. I think you'd notice him attached to his phone. Yep, but it doesn't have to be just the phone. If he is working at home it is likely he is sitting behind a laptop. It takes nothing to have one browser window open to Yahoo chat while doing your work. To the bolded out part, definitely. We use messaging through games quite frequently. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I was trying to keep it brief & not launch into my whole story. OPs question was initially directed at OW and it included some concerns about business travel. I went on plenty of trips before, during, and after that did involve xMM but I still would not H there, unless (like I said), it was to somewhere special. I did twice try to roll a work trip into fun with H to see friends we had in that city, but we ended up not being able to swing the extra flight & expenses & time off from his job. None of my colleagues bring spouses, except for Vegas or Hawaii & it's talked about in advance. Honestly, I don't understand why OP would even want to go, especially on those quick overnight trips. But IMO yes work travel does obviously give an increased opportunity to cheat. If her H was traveling to a city they'd talked about visiting or something and then said he didn't want her to go, that would be a red flag to me. But for mundane trips, I do not think just because you don't want your spouse to travel with you, then you are cheating. The only ADVICE I gave her was to trust her gut since she knows what's "off" for her H. The rest is my perspective. Sorry for the t/j SF, but I thought I had something relevant to share with you but I think I'll bow out of this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I never said she is overreacting. I stated by what she has disclosed thus far would not lead me to an assumption that he is cheating. And yes, PI's can be expensive and fruitless. That is a fact. There are less expensive methods available out there that have the ability to find out what she wants to know. If he is having an affair he is having a lot of communication with this other person. My PI installed many devices for me, any reputable PI has many tricks up their sleeves and it's not car all chases and cloak and dagger. Gosh, do you think a PI wouldn't think of other methods of getting their target other than tailing the target. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts