what should i do?

[Mr.Fixit]

hi everyone.

my and my fiance have been going out for about a year and a half. after a short dating period, 6 months, i asked her to marry me. we have been engaged for about a year. i am 31 and she is 21.

and we met though her brother who i used to live with.

whe i first saw her i was attracted to her, and i after a while she started to like me.

she made the first move, and im very glad for that.

 

at the time we started dating i lived about 30 minutes from her, so a couple of days a week we would alternate driving and visiting one another, and we would spend the night, so we could spend more time together.

 

at the time i asked her to marry me, i was living with my parents to save up for a house.

i had lived on my own for about 3 years, and being 30, i didnt like living with my parents.

so in march of this year i bought a house, and asked her to move in, so we could be closer together.

she was really happy about the engagement and moving in together.

she was living with her brother at the time, and seemed unhappy, so i think she really liked the idea of moving in with me, except for the fact that i moved her to another state about 25 minutes from her work.

 

all was going good, or so i thought for about 4 months. she started to become distant, and didnt want to be intimate with me. i knew something was wrong, but she really had a hard time opening up and talking to me about it. she would get really moody, and at times self destructive.

 

later i found out thru a forum here that she was having second thoughts about marriage and me.

you can read the post here.

she is still going thru a growing up stage (arent all 21 yr olds) and i understand that. she asked if we could postpone the wedding, and i agreed. i did this because in the back of my mind we were taking things a bit too fast. she also said that she was seeing someone she met at work. i was devastated.

she said she wants to work things out, and i do too.

 

she and i talked, and we both agreed that in order for us to fix whats broken, she needed to break it off with this other guy. which she says she did.

for the first time since we started going out, i am feeling jealous.

a couple of times i have checked her phone history and internet history.

i found out from her phone logs that they still talk, and i feel really bad for doing it.

i want to trust her, but it really hard when she still talks to him.

is this wrong?

 

she goes out with people from work once a week, and i used to not have a problem with this, until i found out she was using those days to see him.

so now i feel wierd about her going out. all sorts of thought go thru my head.

 

i am caught in a pickle here. i want to let her go out and have some time away from me, because i have a guys night out once or twice a week, and i feel that we both need to have time away from each other every once in a while. but at the same time i have a feeling she is using this time to see him.

 

i really want this to work out for us, but those feelings i get are starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

when i try to bring these things up to her, the room gets tense.

 

any advice would be helpful.

[uriel]

Her seeing someone else was obviously a big red flag. Her continuing to have contact with him, despite how it's hurt you and how it almost meant the end of your relationship, is an even bigger one. This indicates that she may not have the maturity or connection to you necessary for a marital commitment.

 

Bottom line is that you can't be seriously involved with someone you can't trust. Since she betrayed the bond, it's her responsibility to make you feel safe and secure to any reasonable degree. If she's not willing to break contact with him, I think the relationship with her is over.

 

Even if she is willing to stop contact with him, you might think about moving into separate living quarters until marriage. You want to make sure she's committing to you for the right reasons rather than because it's convenient and economical or safe. You're not her father or uncle. You're her fiance -- the man with whom she's supposed to be in love. Don't take care of her. Expect her to be an equal partner.

 

Expect, too, that she'll find you as entertaining as her younger crowd. This shouldn't be a situation where secure father figure gets left at home while she's out having fun with the other kids (I suspect this is some of the appeal of this guy she's gotten involved with). Yes, there's a huge gap in self-concept and socialization between 31 and 21. It's a factor here.

 

-- uriel

[onlyhuman]

I know your devestated and in great pain.She's not ready!

Count your lucky stars that you have learned of this side of her before marriage.

I would distance myself from her big time, there may be a chance in the years to come for her to mature.

If she does come back you are still going to have big trust issues.

 

People who become defensive or uptight in conversations of this nature sometimes are hiding more than is apparent.

 

Good Luck

[sunshine2000]

I strongly agree, she is not ready at all. If she truly loved you or should i say wanted to spend the rest of her life with you, then she wouldn't have met the other guy in the first place and still contiuned to see him. Give her some time alone to think about this, but you shouldn't be with someone that doesn't respect your feelings.

 

I wish you the best.

[Mr.Fixit]

Thanks to all who replied.

 

in my original post i didn't post the link to the thread that she created.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t44850/

 

i made this post because the feelings i have were scaring me and i had a hard time telling her this because things have been going better, and i didn't want to screw things up.

jealousy with her is not something I'm used to. and i feel i violated her right to privacy by checking her logs.

i have never been and don't want to be a controlling person.

that is not the way i want to be or handle things.

we both need time away from each other to go out with our friends and have some fun.

 

she is a really sweet, beautiful girl and i really am in love with her.

i really want to make this work because am so very happy being with her.

 

over the past few weeks we have really began talking to each other, and getting to know each other again, and this has helped alot.

we both know this is going to be hard, and there will be ups and downs, but we need to be open and honest with each other. we both want this to work, and are working hard at trying to make it work.

i have spoken to her about my feelings, and she understands them.

only time will tell. hopefully things will work out for the best, and things can get back to a more normal time.

 

again thanks for the advice, even though my heart tells me not to follow it.

i am an forever the optimist, so we will see what happens.

[sunshine2000]

I wish you all the best!! and yes follow your heart...

[Jennifer1234]

trust your gut - -you wrote that you were feeling uncomfortable....trust your instincts and listen to your quiet side....GO SLOW.....dont run to the alter- - -wait and see if she grows up - -or if you even want to wait around.....it hurts, but take it one day at a time....be your own best friend - -listen & trust yourself.