Did something about being the other woman turn you on?

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Like the secrecy of it all? Knowing that this married or attached man was committed to someone else, but still wanted you? Even if it was just sexually? Just wondering. How can I have that turned on-ness but not be an other woman? I don't think I can handle other woman-ness ever again.

[stillafool]

You were an OW? Was he a married man?

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

You were an OW? Was he a married man?

 

No when I was 19 I got involved with a guy who had a girlfriend, in Sept I was talking to an engaged man. Both have ended now its just single old me lol but I'm asked based on past experience (they aren't huge like love affairs or anything)

[skywriter]

Like the secrecy of it all? Knowing that this married or attached man was committed to someone else, but still wanted you? Even if it was just sexually? Just wondering. How can I have that turned on-ness but not be an other woman? I don't think I can handle other woman-ness ever again.

 

Being the OW was not a turn on for me, quite the opposite.

 

As for the forbidden part of it, hey, roleplay! Do something unpredictable.

 

Good luck...

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Are you saying that the only way you can get "turned on" is when the man belongs to or is involved with someone else? Cause that's just messed up. I'm not one to push the therapy route, but if what you said above is true, I say, you need to run (not walk) to the nearest therapist.

 

That isn't the only way I can get turned on, but it is super hot, the forbidden-ness. I need therapy for more reasons than that lol (that's on the bottom of the list of reasons why I need therapy)

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

That is because you crave external validation.

 

If you are validated by a taken man that may feel greater than been validated by a free man. The key here is the need to feel desired; the need to feel you are sexually wanted despite the fact that he already has a woman. This means that you must be superior or incredibly sexy.

 

Secondly, you don't have access to this man all the time--------- so that increases your desire to have the man. Furthermore, sometimes, it is not easy to meet for sex and there is greater esteem for the things that are hard to obtain.

 

Do you realize that there are women that repulsed by the very same thing that turns you on?

Oh believe me.. I got an ear full about how disgusting of a person I am.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I have never said you are disgusting. That is the last thing on my mind.

 

I believe you have a great heart. You are a very good person.

 

Why do you say that?

 

Long stories.. But it's fine I think I'm a good person and I think I'm capable of changing and that's what matters right?

[woinlove]

I think Pierre has a point about craving external validation. Or, equivalently, not feeling happy and good about yourself, independent of any romantic R. If you work on being kind to yourself, thinking you are valuable and worthy, and learning how to make yourself happy, then you will be in a better position for a healthy, romantic relationship.

 

The forbidden can seem so attractive if you need that to give yourself a boost. But, feel good about who you are and you won't need that external boost.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Yea, it's super hot when you get busted, thrown under the bus, realize the hurt you've inflicted on others. That's HOT!

 

That statement is just a sign of immaturity and frankly, selfishness. The "it's all about me" syndrome. What do you find so "hot" about sneaky, sex with a man who may have just hours before been f'ing his wife?

 

To me, that's not "hot, rather sick and sloppy seconds.

 

I know you are young (early 20's, if I remember correctly) but there are plenty of hot, available men who would jump at the chance to have dates or a relationship with you. Trust me, you don't want to waste your life chasing after some douche (whether taken or not) and wake up 25 years down the road, alone, old, and out of options. Or, maybe you do.

I am a little selfish a lot of the times, I do stuff that makes me happy and forget about others I can totally admit that, I'm working on it. The sloppy seconds part isn't hot at all but what drew me initially to the guy I was messing with at 19 was how nice he was to me (he was my first sexual experience even though he and I didn't have real sex) he was so sweet to me he used to call me babe and tell me I was beautiful and tell me how much he fought with his gf and how it was ending.. Of course I should have known but I loved the attention and he was the only guy giving me attention. It isn't an excuse but it is why I did it, it is why I'm still tempted to do it BUT I won't, because the emotional pain that I experienced after was too much, I'm sure she was hurt too even worse she was pregnant but she still got him in the end and I didn't so I mean she kind of won.

 

Also if you could point me in the direction of these hot available men who want a RELATIONSHIP with me I would be eternally grateful! Lol

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Think about the BS laying on the floor barely able to breathe because of her grief. Think about her gut wrenching sobs and wails of grief so deep that you can't believe they're human...those are the things my husband had to hear and see and it was a real eye opener for him.

 

If that doesn't fix the super hot forbidden turn on for you, then I don't know what will.

 

By the way, you're not a horrible person and you are capable of change.

 

That's really sad and I'm sorry. I definitely paid the price for what I did so lesson learned. Did you and your husband work it out?

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Thank you. Yes, we've worked it out but it's something we both work on very hard every day.

 

Just remember that you're worthy of being someone's one and only. Don't sell yourself short, ok?

 

It's easier to say that when you are someones one and only lol, do you know whatever happened to the other woman? The only thing that always bothers me about these stories is that the guy is always forgiven and then the other woman always takes the fall and gets to be the horrible person, and in the endthe other woman doesn't even get anything out of it. I mean the guy I was with went on and his gf had their kid and they moved in together and blah blah they were happy (I think they broke up recently) he didn't deserve to get to be happy again when I was miserable. I guess that was my point.

 

Also I am not trying to offend you or anything, it is great that you could forgive your husband.. I guess it is different to me because she knew he had cheated on her before, and they weren't married so she wasn't binded to him (she was pregnant, but I would rather be alone than with someone who would play me like he did her) I just felt like she could have left.. Even though if she would have left I would have tried to be with him for sure lol.

Edited January 22, 2013 by ImperfectionisBeauty

[Spark1111]

I am a little selfish a lot of the times, I do stuff that makes me happy and forget about others I can totally admit that, I'm working on it. The sloppy seconds part isn't hot at all but what drew me initially to the guy I was messing with at 19 was how nice he was to me (he was my first sexual experience even though he and I didn't have real sex) he was so sweet to me he used to call me babe and tell me I was beautiful and tell me how much he fought with his gf and how it was ending.. Of course I should have known but I loved the attention and he was the only guy giving me attention. It isn't an excuse but it is why I did it, it is why I'm still tempted to do it BUT I won't, because the emotional pain that I experienced after was too much, I'm sure she was hurt too even worse she was pregnant but she still got him in the end and I didn't so I mean she kind of won.

 

Also if you could point me in the direction of these hot available men who want a RELATIONSHIP with me I would be eternally grateful! Lol

 

I find you breathtakingly honest and halfway to home in your introspection so far.

 

good luck to you!

 

I think the attention of a taken man is a HUGE turn on to some and I hope those honest enough to admit it will give you the guidance and validation you deserve.

 

keep working on you.

 

I have been reading and posting here for over four years and this is the FIRST time I have seen someone honest enough to admit what I have often suspected for some OW: When it belongs to someone else, not only is it hot and forbidden, but empowering too!

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

The above is classic and quite common in the board among many OWs. This is all about wanting external validation and MOMs know how to provide external validation.

 

But, MOM is also looking for external validation and does this with romantic conquests. In this manner he gets validated by the sex and getting the women to fall in love with him. MOM craves admiration and the wife at home does not admire him anymore because she figured out he is a jerk. However, a newbie OW has no clue MOM is a jerk and he gets the admiration he seeks by romancing OWs.

 

MOM needs to be very attentive and more romantic than single men because he needs to overcome the handicap of being married. That is why MOMs are so smooth, charming, and romantic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are correct! Women that crave attention are easy prey for the MOM. By the same token omen that have a high self esteem pay no attention to MOM types.

 

 

Women that are sure of themselves with high self esteem seek men that are not players. They seek men that are educated and do not appear to have excessive charm. In fact too much charm may be seen as a red flag. However, this charm is the very element that hooks the women with low self esteem.

 

 

 

I don't think you should be dating. You need to be in IC first. Finding hot single men to fix your self esteem is not the answer. No one can fix that for you. You need to do this work all by yourself.

 

You also want children. This is basically the same tune. You probably seek validation through motherhood. Not a good plan either, it will not work. You need to work on you before you become a mother.

 

 

 

I agree I do need to get myself together before I have a kid but the time it will take me to get myselftogether is so long... I just can't handle the idea of therapy for so long with no guarantee that I will come out normal and able to meet someone. I have been to like 4 different therapists since I was 19 and I just feel like my problems are so stupid and small it's weird to talk about them. On top of that I hate sitting their talking about how I just completely loved this guy who had a girlfriend and I thought he would leave her for me and instead he pretty much told me that I would never be the type of girl he dated, and getting all emotional over something that was my own fault.. Even with the engaged man in September he completely just ignored me and cut me off, it wasn't as if I had enough dignity to just let it go, he cut me off and had he not I probably would have went through with it. I just feel like an idiot, so therapy for me is hard because I don't like sitting their feeling judged, like a fool because I can't manage to make good decisions with my life. I know I need to be in therapy I just can't handle telling a therapist the whole story, I always try to look blamefree lol

[Spark1111]

they cannot help you if you are always trying to look blame free. And I'm pretty sure there is nothing you could say that they haven't heard before or far, far worse.

 

Try being as honest with the therapist as you have been here. You may be surprised at the results. You may finally be willing to be honest with them. that's when they can help you.

[Got it]

Like the secrecy of it all? Knowing that this married or attached man was committed to someone else, but still wanted you? Even if it was just sexually? Just wondering. How can I have that turned on-ness but not be an other woman? I don't think I can handle other woman-ness ever again.

 

The pasties. Most definitely the pasties.

[stevie_23]

No, never. It’s a turn OFF if anything. In my affair with my ex-MM, there was no good part of him being married / in a relationship at ALL apart from the fact I was also with a “real life” partner and so he understood that, and although we did fantasise and intend to one day really be together “properly”, there was no real pressure to make a move right NOW (which I didn’t want to do as I wasn’t ready to deal with all the real life stuff with my partner yet), whereas if he was single, it would’ve been more unbalanced. But that’s it. NOTHING else positive about being the OW in my opinion.

 

For those affair couples who end up “properly” together, even then I would think the fact she began as the OW would always, ALWAYS be there, in the background. The fact he left someone else FOR her, so there could be that pressure. The fact they caused someone he used to love great pain, that’d always be there between them. Ugh.

[skylarblue]

Not because of secrecy, but I was turned-on by a man being married (a particular kind). In a nutshell, I felt good about myself by getting a good H to cheat. I didn't want a R, just a fling if I wanted to f*ck him or get him to admit he would cheat with me if I didn't.

 

For me, it was about validation. I don't know why it became so important to me in that way. I'm a good-looking girl. I have no problem getting men and attracting attention. I was an exotic dancer for several of the years that I was engaging in this practice/thought. I had/have plenty of validation from attention by men. However, my self-worth

is so dependent on my looks. So picking out whichever loving, faithful, devoted H and father I wanted and getting him to betray his M, betray his W, and risk everything just because of my looks was the ultimate - the ultimate proof, validation, and gratification.

 

I've always been aware as to why I did it, but didn't care. Had I not become emotionally involved with xMM, I'd probably still be doing it. It was actually the experience and examination of all the factors in the A that caused the change in me and that need in determining my self-worth.

 

I can't see myself in an A again and have no desire to be in one. However, I'm not going to lie. I do still get turned-on by the idea of sleeping with a MM and I do still tend to see a woman and decide if she'll be cheated on or if I'd sleep with her H based on her looks, but when I think about physically acting on it I am disgusted with/by it.

[Lillyfree]

no. actually, i was trying to push any thought of our SO's out of my head. it only worked for a short time.

 

guilt is a potent anti-aphrodisiac.

[stevie_23]

guilt is a potent anti-aphrodisiac.

 

god yes!!!!

[stevie_23]

No no...

 

Re-read the original quote I said "GOD YES!!!" to...

 

It said "Guilt is a potent ANTI-aphrodesiac." ANTI. The OPPOSITE of an aphrodesiac.

 

It IS a mood killer. Guilt, worry, etc. All of it. There is NO appeal to being with someone who is already with someone else. I myself was with my ex-MM because I fell in love with him. I knew he was in a relationship already, but...my feelings were already there.

[SoleMate]

Is there any chance the "superhot" feelings of a turned-on OW may be analogous to the feelings of intense arousal caused by hairpulling, spanking, use of forbidden language ("you dirty slut" etc.) and basically taboo words and actions? Then OW behaviors would just be a form of taboo action.

 

As I type this, I feel it is a potentially helpful line of exploration, and also know that it may not be possible for all of us to discuss this with true clinical detachment. But let's try.

 

If an OW wants to become a FOW and can use this idea to find some substitute behaviors or thought patterns, I'd be very happy.

[Lillyfree]

Well, I learn something new every day!

 

I always saw guilt as getting in the way of an affair. It was supposed to be that thing that did not allow full enjoyment.

 

I get the risk, taking chances, and the secrecy. It creates a James Bond movie filed with fantasy.

 

Despite all that I never understood how some men fell into the same trap as many OWs invested in high romance and profound love. As a guy I fully understand the concept of an MOW that wants extracurricular sex. There will always be a guy that does her the favor, no strings attached.

 

However, I never understood the concept of falling in love with a person that is in another relationship. Doing it for sex, yeah, but even that is not attractive to me. Why risk an STD, why put the penis in the garage of someone else.

 

For me a married woman was always uninteresting; and if she hinted something I listened, but there was always a huge barrier that said "I am not going there." What's the point?

 

heh, not sure i got the first bit of your post, could it be that you read 'aphrodisiac' without the 'anti'?

 

i can only speak from own experience - but to be attracted to someone it has to be more than just physical. whether it's a me thing, or a woman thing, not sure. there has to be some intelligence matching to start with, a mental connection. and trust. so mix all that up with going 'that guy is a bit of orrite' - and you get emotional attraction, which any guy would consider a hindrance if he were just after a bit of fun.

 

and i got (a bit late) that the OM in my story thought he got lucky with a married woman who wanted some nsa on the side. oops!

[stevie_23]

I find this interesting. I’m not 100% sure about the connection, but I think that’s just because I personally don’t find it hot being the OW in any way, shape or form.

 

But even so…to compare the taboo / secrecy of being the OW with any kind of taboo sexual activities does make some sense. To me, it’s got the added “appeal” (not to me personally) of a bit of a voyeuristic quality also. The OW has this hidden window into the life of a marriage, through the husband.

 

I guess it’s also got some appeal in the way of power. Although I, as the OW, felt powerLESS because I couldn’t “make” him leave the marriage and couldn’t do anything when his wife was around, couldn’t be with him, etc, some OW might feel powerFUL in their position because they know something the BS does not, they are with the husband instead of him being with the BS, etc. A kind of smugness perhaps (I never felt this either, by the way).

 

And in terms of plain old sexual activities like bondage, punishment, dirty talk, etc…I would feel that the MM would get more of a kick out of this in terms of being with the OW as opposed to the other woman feeling this herself. The MM is the one risking things, he’s the one who is lying, hiding, being secretive, and doing this “taboo” thing. The OW may or may not be doing this herself (depending if she’s cheating on a partner too). If she’s single, and just wants to be with the MM because she loves him and it’s got nothing to do with the fact he’s married, I’d say HE would be the one to feel more turned on by the OW situation.

[stevie_23]

Yes, I do.

 

But as I got to know more of him, see him in videos, get to know his deepest thoughts and feelings, I loved HIM as well, independent for how he made me feel.

[stevie_23]

Also, I met my real life long term partner online over 11 years ago. We were online only for the first 9 months. Not even any videos, skype or phone calls. Only text chats and emails. We met in real life and continued on in our relationship.

 

Do you consider our first 9 months, when we were only online, as not “real”? Do you not count those 9 months as part of our relationship? You think we only had feelings because of how the other made us feel, and didn’t actually love each other until we met in person?