Did something about being the other woman turn you on?

[stevie_23]

Yeah, this is my problem. With my long term partner, we met in person 9 months after meeting online and 6 months after getting together online. So by then, it would’ve been harder to just walk away if things didn’t work out.

 

Although I think if when you do meet in person, if you simply don’t feel the same about them then, you CAN walk away and mourn not the loss of them, but the loss of what you FELT you had which never really existed in reality.

 

But if things DO work out once you meet, and you continue on, I still consider the time when you were strictly online or virtual to be a valid and real part of the relationship.

 

I definitely fall in love with personalities before anything else. I need to. Otherwise I have no interest.

 

And yes, I do know that a big part of my happiness in the relationship with me ex was because of how he made me feel. But isn’t that true of any relationship of any kind? No matter how amazing a person is, if they don’t make YOU feel good, well…you’re not gonna be with them long, are you?

[Lillyfree]

As to the rest of your post. I had a lot of EAs with married women I considered to be exceptional. But, I always knew I was in control. And when I say that I mean it. I never fell real hard, but I enjoyed the deep friendship. But, there was no way in the world that i was going to get into a PA affair. For me that was highly illogical. I could always walk away with no problems.

 

i can completely agree, for me it is the same. i guess as men go you are one of few then...

 

one thing that made me open my eyes a little was after one little meltdown when i spoke my mind (a bit harshly, i admit) he said 'i was crazy about you' ... then a few lines down 'i'm still in' (as in, to have it become a PA).

 

the way i understood it - the emotional bit's not there anymore, but hey - i'll still have some bootay if you're offering.

few days after that he got the dear john email.

[stevie_23]

True, yes. I did lean on him way too much for my own happiness. Obviously he could only deliver so much of this, and I needed to be happy intrinsically for me to be happy in general, and with him too.

 

I wouldn’t say people would be “repulsed” by the philanderer, but I’d say they simply wouldn’t have any need or interest in someone they viewed to be a philanderer. Pity, maybe.

[Summer Breeze]

None of being an OW turned me on. I don't understand equating it to alternate sexual preferences but I'm sure it might make sense and be true for some.

[waterwoman]

Wow imperfection! You are very honest. Kudos.

[Summer Breeze]

I don't think you understand the dynamic if you think he just gets forgiven and you take the fall. First, he doesn't just get forgiven. Some MM I know are still working their asses off for forgiveness 20 yrs later. And so the should. IMHO they should be as near to perfect husbands forever to even earn a chance. I sure haven't fforgiven the ones who have affected my life, including my father.

 

A large part to me about forgiveness is about whether he ended it or whether he had to wait and get dumped by the OW. I know one case of that and I am pretty sure I'll never forgive him, and I'm not even his wife! I am his daughter though.

 

As to the OW taking the fall, I'll never understand why you would care. You get to walk away scot free. You don't pick up the pieces for 5 ears at best, a lifetime at worst. You aren't tied to him for life by children even if you walk away. You dot have the constant reminders that go with coparenting.

 

I am sure fewer OW are eventually forgiven than Mm but that's mainly because you're not working your ass off to earn it. It's not about projection or misplaced anger in my view.

 

Finally, I think there is a special place in hell for people who participate in affairs when the Bw is pregnant. I've seen someone close to me go through that. The toll it took on her body when he was treating her like crap then blaming her for reacting (justifying cheating that way). The pain of not enjoying her newborn because of the pain BOTR described happening when the baby was but weeks old. Imagine every time you look at your child, and Especially photos of your newborn you feel sick at the memories of what you didn't know then. Imagine that you have to basically try to forget the early years of your child's life in order to cope. And holding your baby knowing the Ow held her! Ugh

 

As a mother I can't contemplate it. I can't even hear about it without feeling so bad for her.

 

In that case I really can't see how she stays, but I will never criticize her for a situation where she has no good options because of what was forced on her by someone who should have protected her and a stranger she did nothing to. Co conspirators. Both equally to blame.

 

Bolded. I don't think you understand the dynamic. You think that OW walk away singing a happy tune and totally unscathed.

 

If you would care to read some of the stories from the women you're so busy judging then you'd see you couldn't be any further offbase.

[Summer Breeze]

It's funny you jump in that bit. Someone with a conscience would have been torn apart at the image of pain of a betrayed mother not just a betrayed wife.

Surely someone who helped inflict that on another woman would've bowed with shame and sorrow and there would be no room for venom at the victims.

 

I can't describe what she went through, the part of I could see, without feeling sick at the thought. And I've never done anything like that to anyone.

 

It's the bit I jumped on because it's what you say over and over ad nauseum. I suggest you start a thread that hosts the topic you hold important so it can be discussed properly, if that is indeed what you want to do rather than preach to people.

[Lillyfree]

It's the bit I jumped on because it's what you say over and over ad nauseum. I suggest you start a thread that hosts the topic you hold important so it can be discussed properly, if that is indeed what you want to do rather than preach to people.

 

funny thing... i have been helped greatly by a lot of people here, and a few of them were BSs.

and have witnessed it many times since with other posters.

 

so how can those who have actually gone through all that pain (not just been a witness of it) can have the grace and compassion when an OW shows up in pieces...

yet some people just show up to repeat over and over how 'OW-bad'

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

It's funny you jump in that bit. Someone with a conscience would have been torn apart at the image of pain of a betrayed mother not just a betrayed wife.

Surely someone who helped inflict that on another woman would've bowed with shame and sorrow and there would be no room for venom at the victims.

 

I can't describe what she went through, the part of I could see, without feeling sick at the thought. And I've never done anything like that to anyone.

 

Looking back I obviously know it was horrible to do. It was a lot more complicated for me than just "oh well I'm going to mess around with this guy while his gf is pregnant" I thought about it long and hard (I know.. I thought about it and still did it, that's probably worse) but I knew that if I wasn't doing it he would with someone else and I really liked him.. Like really really liked him. He admitted to me that he did it before and he said it wasn't a big deal, and I remember when I first reconnected with him (at that time nothing sexual was going on) his girlfriend messaged me on MySpace asking if I was messing around with him, and how he does it so much and all this other stuff. Anyways point is I felt bad but it really didnt end as bad for him and her as it did me, they are still together (I think) I know right after everything happened and she found out within 2-3 days she was fine and bragging about their ultrasound and how much she loved him...so to me he got off easy, and probably still screws around on her now if they are still together.

[Got it]

I am glad you're sorry. I am. Im glad you said that. I hope you won't hurt someone like that again. It shows more insight than those go just jumped on it because of who wrote it.

 

If I could give a piece of advice, if you'll take it, you don't have a clue what it did to her. You think she would show that pain openly so you could see it and ind out about it? I guarantee that's the last think she would want based on what I've seen. The humiliation factor is so high that having the Ow see that she's scarred you forever is not going to happen. And perhaps that perpetuates the ow never being sorry enough, but it is what it is. To me it's understandable. I have seen my own sister hide we pain from me until she couldn't any longer. And I was only wanting to look after her. I can't imagine if she encountered the OW, I think he would be as fierce and defiant as possible and assert that the marriage was great. And considering what it's been through it is I think, but that's way off beig the same thing.

 

I hope someone reads BOTRs description and the bit of mine and can feel the pain it would cause before going for someone even if you really like him.

Having witnessed it I have trouble describing it.

 

Lol and you do? Umm, my dear MFH you haven't gone through it regardless how much you apparently regret it and seem to be almost envious of the martyrdom that you make of the BS. Do you notice that not even the BS seem to be in agreement with your posts?

 

Maybe, just maybe, you have just enough knowledge to be dangerous but not enough to actually know of which you speak?

 

Yes OW, evil, devil, smut of the earth. We got it! Lema Charlie.

[Spark1111]

Lol and you do? Umm, my dear MFH you haven't gone through it regardless how much you apparently regret it and seem to be almost envious of the martyrdom that you make of the BS. Do you notice that not even the BS seem to be in agreement with your posts?

 

Maybe, just maybe, you have just enough knowledge to be dangerous but not enough to actually know of which you speak?

 

Yes OW, evil, devil, smut of the earth. We got it! Lema Charlie.

 

I really do not sense this at all.

 

putting back together a marriage with someone you love is gut-wrenching work for a BS and those close friends and family members who witness that pain, the roller coasting, and hopefully, the successful denouement of it.

 

ask my brother, his sister, our children and three of my closest friends. Those who love you feel your pain acutely after DDay.

 

Just because the OW is not privy to it, does not mean those feelings, opinions, should be dismissed.

 

MY H and I had this conversation after DDay, and other than a broken heart, which I empathized with on these boards, due to his cowardice, there were no other consequences to her being in an almost two-year affair with my H.

 

My H went through hell every day when he had to deal with all of us. Even our children said, why didn't you separate from mom.

 

contrary to popular opinion, we didn't much respect her, but we didn't ALLOW anyone to throw her under the bus OR seek any form of retribution.

[Spark1111]

It's funny you jump in that bit. Someone with a conscience would have been torn apart at the image of pain of a betrayed mother not just a betrayed wife.

Surely someone who helped inflict that on another woman would've bowed with shame and sorrow and there would be no room for venom at the victims.

 

I can't describe what she went through, the part of I could see, without feeling sick at the thought. And I've never done anything like that to anyone.

 

I agree with this!

 

My children were devastated and I dealt with the fallout for years after DDay.

 

I would have had to deal with this, whether I reconciled or divorced.

 

If you have a daughter, a sister, a mother, sobbing on the floor because of infidelity, what would YOU say?

 

Oh honey, it's his fault so let's leave her alone.

 

Are u kidding?

 

I had to TALK family and friends from marching onto her doorstep and giving her a piece of their minds.

[skywriter]

I don't think you understand the dynamic if you think he just gets forgiven and you take the fall. First, he doesn't just get forgiven. Some MM I know are still working their asses off for forgiveness 20 yrs later. And so the should. IMHO they should be as near to perfect husbands forever to even earn a chance. I sure haven't fforgiven the ones who have affected my life, including my father.

 

A large part to me about forgiveness is about whether he ended it or whether he had to wait and get dumped by the OW. I know one case of that and I am pretty sure I'll never forgive him, and I'm not even his wife! I am his daughter though.

 

As to the OW taking the fall, I'll never understand why you would care. You get to walk away scot free. You don't pick up the pieces for 5 ears at best, a lifetime at worst. You aren't tied to him for life by children even if you walk away. You dot have the constant reminders that go with coparenting.

 

I am sure fewer OW are eventually forgiven than Mm but that's mainly because you're not working your ass off to earn it. It's not about projection or misplaced anger in my view.

 

Finally, I think there is a special place in hell for people who participate in affairs when the Bw is pregnant. I've seen someone close to me go through that. The toll it took on her body when he was treating her like crap then blaming her for reacting (justifying cheating that way). The pain of not enjoying her newborn because of the pain BOTR described happening when the baby was but weeks old. Imagine every time you look at your child, and Especially photos of your newborn you feel sick at the memories of what you didn't know then. Imagine that you have to basically try to forget the early years of your child's life in order to cope. And holding your baby knowing the Ow held her! Ugh

 

As a mother I can't contemplate it. I can't even hear about it without feeling so bad for her.

 

In that case I really can't see how she stays, but I will never criticize her for a situation where she has no good options because of what was forced on her by someone who should have protected her and a stranger she did nothing to. Co conspirators. Both equally to blame.

 

 

This is the most judgemental post I've ever seen on LS.

Edited January 23, 2013 by skywriter

[skywriter]

Unethical Rationalizations and Misconceptions | Ethics Alarms

 

I agree with that statement, Judge not lest ye be judged.

[Spark1111]

This is the most judgemental post I've ever seen on LS.

 

Why skywriter?

[skywriter]

Why skywriter?[/QUOTE]

A large part to me about forgiveness is about whether he ended it or whether he had to wait and get dumped by the OW. I know one case of that and I am pretty sure I'll never forgive him, and I'm not even his wife! I am his daughter though.

 

As to the OW taking the fall, I'll never understand why you would care. You get to walk away scot free. A large part to me about forgiveness is about whether he ended it or whether he had to wait and get dumped by the OW. I know one case of that and I am pretty sure I'll never forgive him, and I'm not even his wife! I am his daughter though.

 

As to the OW taking the fall, I'll never understand why you would care. You get to walk away scot free. You don't pick up the pieces for 5 ears at best, a lifetime at worst. You aren't tied to him for life by children even if you walk away. You dot have the constant reminders that go with coparenting.

 

I am sure fewer OW are eventually forgiven than Mm but that's mainly because you're not working your ass off to earn it. It's not about projection or misplaced anger in my view.

 

Finally, I think there is a special place in hell for people who participate in affairs when the Bw is pregnant. I've seen someone close to me go through that. The toll it took on her body when he was treating her like crap then blaming her for reacting (justifying cheating that way). The pain of not enjoying her newborn because of the pain BOTR described happening when the baby was but weeks old. Imagine every time you look at your child, and Especially photos of your newborn you feel sick at the memories of what you didn't know then. Imagine that you have to basically try to forget the early years of your child's life in order to cope. And holding your baby knowing the Ow held her! Ugh

 

As a mother I can't contemplate it. I can't even hear about it without feeling so bad for her.

 

In that case I really can't see how she stays, but I will never criticize her for a situation where she has no good options because of what was forced on her by someone who should have protected her and a stranger she did nothing to. Co conspirators. Both equally to blame.

I am sure fewer OW are eventually forgiven than Mm but that's mainly because you're not working your ass off to earn it. It's not about projection or misplaced anger in my view.

 

Finally, I think there is a special place in hell for people who participate in affairs when the Bw is pregnant. I've seen someone close to me go through that. The toll it took on her body when he was treating her like crap then blaming her for reacting (justifying cheating that way). The pain of not enjoying her newborn because of the pain BOTR described happening when the baby was but weeks old. Imagine every time you look at your child, and Especially photos of your newborn you feel sick at the memories of what you didn't know then. Imagine that you have to basically try to forget the early years of your child's life in order to cope. And holding your baby knowing the Ow held her! Ugh

 

As a mother I can't contemplate it. I can't even hear about it without feeling so bad for her.

 

In that case I really can't see how she stays, but I will never criticize her for a situation where she has no good options because of what was forced on her by someone who should have protected her and a stranger she did nothing to. Co conspirators. Both equally to blame.

 

 

First of all spark, I 've always thought you a very openminded and considerate poster here.

 

Just the tone of the writting here by this poster, I can feel her anger and yes, hurt. This I absolutley feel empathy towards.

 

The highlighted parts are hard for me to understand. Maybe, I've misunderstood, but, there are OW/OM and we are willing to"take the fall", as it was described.

 

Many of the OW, here have "taken their part".

 

Walking away scot free....not hardly, there have been OW who are impregnated, given STD's, and those are just off the top of my head.

This is'nt even mentioning the fact that justparticipating in A is actually out of character for some of us and it's put us on antidepressants and caused us to doubt our own judgement in giving a good man the opportunity to be in our lives. So no we aren't scot free.

 

Anyway, gotta stop and get some work done, but sometimes, people just don't realise that "others" are human too. We could be your neighbor, your best friend, cousin, the pastors wife.

 

Finally, very quickly, as for the special place in hell for BW, I'll be praying for those souls, especially the ones that may very well have no idea there is a pregnant wife at home. No, no I stand corrected, especially for the one who did and still made a very poor choice.

 

Peace....

Edited January 23, 2013 by skywriter

[Got it]

I really do not sense this at all.

 

putting back together a marriage with someone you love is gut-wrenching work for a BS and those close friends and family members who witness that pain, the roller coasting, and hopefully, the successful denouement of it.

 

ask my brother, his sister, our children and three of my closest friends. Those who love you feel your pain acutely after DDay.

 

Just because the OW is not privy to it, does not mean those feelings, opinions, should be dismissed.

 

MY H and I had this conversation after DDay, and other than a broken heart, which I empathized with on these boards, due to his cowardice, there were no other consequences to her being in an almost two-year affair with my H.

 

My H went through hell every day when he had to deal with all of us. Even our children said, why didn't you separate from mom.

 

contrary to popular opinion, we didn't much respect her, but we didn't ALLOW anyone to throw her under the bus OR seek any form of retribution.

 

Spark - I agree with you but not quite what I was addressing. This is a much bigger more systematic issue with this particular poster. And while I am very much in awe and respect your latter point, this goes counter to what I am seeing by this particular poster and thusly my comments.

 

Trust me, this wasn't in reference to you or many here, BS or otherwise.

 

If you don't sense this from this poster, all I can say is go back and reread what she writes. It is very consistent, clear, concise, and very absolute. There is no grey at all.

Edited January 23, 2013 by Got it

[buckeyeblue]

as for the special place in hell for BW, I'll be praying for those souls,

 

Skywriter - I hope that this was a mistype. I can't imagine why you would think that there is a special place in hell for a betrayed wife.

[Spark1111]

It's OW.

 

But so do we, plus some.

 

Your poor choice puts us to at risk for STDs. We often experience humiliation in the community as people walk around wondering what we did wrong because our spouse strayed. many of us get divorced leaving ourselves emotionally and financially vulnerable and our ( his) children screwed up, sometimes for life. Our extended families are devastated and in pain for years.

 

if we reconcile, he will forever bear that mark on his legacy. friends will drop you and him because of it. Some couples actually move. Everyone is going to IC, MC, reading, talking to promote healing and it can take years.

 

Certainly you realize that is quite a bit more than being rejected by someone you loved who you knew was married?

 

And on this I do agree with M.....If you cannot stay faithful while a woman is carrying YOUR child, OR receives a cancer diagnosis....I hope that MM does go to a special place in HELL.

 

And I would question the woman who helped him to go there, because that is just so wrong.

 

Am I missing something?

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

It's OW.

 

But so do we, plus some.

 

Your poor choice puts us to at risk for STDs. We often experience humiliation in the community as people walk around wondering what we did wrong because our spouse strayed. many of us get divorced leaving ourselves emotionally and financially vulnerable and our ( his) children screwed up, sometimes for life. Our extended families are devastated and in pain for years.

 

if we reconcile, he will forever bear that mark on his legacy. friends will drop you and him because of it. Some couples actually move. Everyone is going to IC, MC, reading, talking to promote healing and it can take years.

 

Certainly you realize that is quite a bit more than being rejected by someone you loved who you knew was married?

 

And on this I do agree with M.....If you cannot stay faithful while a woman is carrying YOUR child, OR receives a cancer diagnosis....I hope that MM does go to a special place in HELL.

 

And I would question the woman who helped him to go there, because that is just so wrong.

 

Am I missing something?

Well I definitely don't think there should be a special place in hell for me and this guy.. I mean things happen we were both regretful (I was, I didn't talk to him after so I wouldn't know about him) but I think it's just super harsh the wish hell on us over something we did at like 18-19... People change

[skywriter]

However, some use the "judgmental card" to justify an unethical position.

 

 

 

If I gave you that impression, then I'm afraid I was misunderstood.

[skywriter]

 

Skywriter - I hope that this was a mistype. I can't imagine why you would think that there is a special place in hell for a betrayed wife.

 

buckeyeblue,

 

(lovin that screen name) But, yes I did mistype, so sorry...was rushing to get back to work. As spark posted, it was for those who participate in an affair when the betryed wife is pregnant.

[skywriter]

I guess it might come down to how we are all unique individuals, with our own stories, even if we all consider, than we have somehting in common, being affected by A's.

 

Some being the betrayed and some being involved in an A.

 

In my experience, I know what I did was so deeeply wrong and no matter what I could ever say, I am this label ,on LS anyway, an Other woman.

 

It gets to me at times when I read some of the replies, that lump us all together as others, because I consider us as so much more than a choice we once made.

 

....and here we are, reaching out for support, to be reminded time and time again.

 

I guess I'm looking for some positive support. I've nine months of no contact now and I've been going to dinner with a man I've known for over twenty yrs. We are good friends and eventually it could lead to something further.

[woinlove]

Not because of secrecy, but I was turned-on by a man being married (a particular kind). In a nutshell, I felt good about myself by getting a good H to cheat. I didn't want a R, just a fling if I wanted to f*ck him or get him to admit he would cheat with me if I didn't.

 

For me, it was about validation. I don't know why it became so important to me in that way. I'm a good-looking girl. I have no problem getting men and attracting attention. I was an exotic dancer for several of the years that I was engaging in this practice/thought. I had/have plenty of validation from attention by men. However, my self-worth

is so dependent on my looks. So picking out whichever loving, faithful, devoted H and father I wanted and getting him to betray his M, betray his W, and risk everything just because of my looks was the ultimate - the ultimate proof, validation, and gratification.

 

I've always been aware as to why I did it, but didn't care. Had I not become emotionally involved with xMM, I'd probably still be doing it. It was actually the experience and examination of all the factors in the A that caused the change in me and that need in determining my self-worth.

 

I can't see myself in an A again and have no desire to be in one. However, I'm not going to lie. I do still get turned-on by the idea of sleeping with a MM and I do still tend to see a woman and decide if she'll be cheated on or if I'd sleep with her H based on her looks, but when I think about physically acting on it I am disgusted with/by it.

 

Skylar, your posts are always so interesting in their lack of rationalization and romanticism. I see a little bit of my old self and I've seen others post here (in older threads) about what-he's-risking-must-mean-something-about-me thinking. More OW focus on the love part, but I think the initial decision to allow a MM to become a potential romantic interest at all has dynamics in it worth scrutinizing if one doesn't want to repeat that behavior in the future. (Excluding OW duped into thinking MM was single.) The real point is how did one even get into a position where romantic love developed. That is where there are things to be learned.

 

Imperfection, good for you for delving into this.

Edited January 23, 2013 by woinlove

[skywriter]

It's OW.

 

But so do we, plus some.

 

Your poor choice puts us to at risk for STDs. We often experience humiliation in the community as people walk around wondering what we did wrong because our spouse strayed. many of us get divorced leaving ourselves emotionally and financially vulnerable and our ( his) children screwed up, sometimes for life. Our extended families are devastated and in pain for years.

 

if we reconcile, he will forever bear that mark on his legacy. friends will drop you and him because of it. Some couples actually move. Everyone is going to IC, MC, reading, talking to promote healing and it can take years.

 

Certainly you realize that is quite a bit more than being rejected by someone you loved who you knew was married?

 

And on this I do agree with M.....If you cannot stay faithful while a woman is carrying YOUR child, OR receives a cancer diagnosis....I hope that MM does go to a special place in HELL.

 

And I would question the woman who helped him to go there, because that is just so wrong.

 

Am I missing something?

 

I understand the friends dropping from a divorce perspective, as I experienced that. The community, I don't get, as they shouldn't be privy to your personal life. Marriage specifically, unless you choose.

 

My H wasn't faithful, I "chose" to never involve our children as it shouldn't involve children anyway.

 

There again, we all have the right to make our own choices and deal with our crisis as we choose.

 

I understand the divorce leaving one financially and emotionally vulnerable. What a coincidence...that's when I met a MM, who decided to step out of his marriage.