Did something about being the other woman turn you on?

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Suppose a series of women are robbed by various criminals.

 

One just has her bag taken.

One is slapped.

One is beaten.

One is beaten and is pregnant.

 

Assuming the baby survives apparently unharmed and is born, was beating a heavily pregnant woman worse?

 

What if one had a newborn to protect and they both survived and the baby was not seriously harmed? Is that worse than beating the non pregnant woman?

 

They're all wrong. But some are even worse IMHO. And from what I've seen infidelity is a brutal beating. An I would say both the WH and the ow are taking part in it. And yes I do find it more heinous for a woman to beat a pregnant woman (especially if she had kids of her own) than for a man. Awful though he is too.

 

The law wouldn't see one as greater though, if you beat a woman or if you beat a pregnant woman you would still be charged with assault or battery. So again just because you feel like its worse doesn't mean other people do. I get what you're saying and it was bad. But I feel like it was bad because that's how I personally feel about it, having experienced it, I am not going to push that idea that it was the absolute worst horrible thing ever in life on others.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I get what you're saying about not harming her, I didn't think I was harming her because I never thought she would find out. I never went into like "wow I can't wait to break his girlfriends heart while she's pregnant" I never felt like that, I assumed she would never know because it happened one time.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Actually one is assault and one is aggravated assault. Apparently. Sadly I know a pregnant woman who was robbed an even without beating her his crime was given a greater sentence because she was obviously pregnant.

 

Not that the law has to correlate with guilt. If you don't feel horribly guilty for what happened to her, well I'm sorry for you. I find that very very disturbing.

 

Assault is feeling the threat of violence or harm, aggravated assault is using a weapon to threaten violence on someone. Battery is the actual act of violence. Of course assaulting a pregnant woman would hold a bigger sentence but that is based on judicial discretion, there is no specification in the law for pregnancy (unless in murder cases) at least not in my state. Anyways that isn't the point, I didn't say I didn't feel bad.. I think you can go through this thread and find me saying how badly I felt for a while, quite a few times. I don't think that there is a specific difference between a man cheating with children or with a pregnant wife I just see it as all painful. It is sad that yor friend had such a hard time after pregnancy but I don't think that it would have been different had she just had her baby when he started the affair, they are both periods of adjustment for a family and big events.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

In my state it was nothing todo with discretion, it was one of several aggravating factors. Just being a woman is an aggravating factor to assault in some places.

 

Yes I saw you said that but I was getting at it beig worse.

 

My friends daughter is 5, and still her mother beats into tears if you talk about events in the first year of her life (when he was cheating and after it came out and at the worst). It's like that year didn't happen, she cannot feel joy for that first year of her life. Her only daughter. That's a loss you clearly still don't understand. It is on top of infidelity per se.

 

Maybe I just don't get it because I have no children and haven't been in a super committed relationship? I don't know. I just feel like the hurt would be the same, being pregnant isn't this "OMG you are the worst person alive" thing to me. I feel for pregnant women who get cheated on, mothers who have 10 year olds, non mothers, anyone who is cheated on. All states the judges have discretion to hand down the sentence they see fit, the law gives you a guideline, like murder is 25 to life, a judge can give 25 a judge can give 35 or 45 years it is up to their discretion as long as they are within the guidelines. If a person is assaulted it can hold up to 10 years (just made that number up) a judge might give 10 because the person was pregnant, or 10 because the person was handicap, but 5 to someone else. It depends.. I know I am getting off subject but I am going by what I learned. Tying it back I just think it is just as bad to cheat on any woman as much as a pregnant one. If I marry a guy and who knows I am handicap and that my handicap can get worse and then 10 years from now it does get worse and I am in a wheelchair and he cheats because I can't do the things I used to 10 years prior. Is it worse that he cheats on me because I am handicap (and he knew that it could potentially get worse, just like a man knows his wife could potentially get pregnant) than a guy who cheats on his pregnant wife? Or a guy who cheats on his wife who gave him 3 kids? I just think it is equally bad, I don't think you can point out this as worse than that. Is it better that the guy I cheated with wasn't married, it was just his girlfriend? I just think it is all equally bad. That's just me and you are entitled to your opinion and I get it. Either way I feel bad about it.

[woinlove]

 

There seems to be a large number of affairs by men during stressful family events, pregnancy, illness, etc. What should be looked at is why do men cheat more often during these events than women? What is going on and why is it happening? Do men not have the coping mechanisms to adjust? Is there something being done socially in the raising of our boys to men that is contributing to this? Is there something that we can do to set men up for more success in how they handle these things?

 

 

I agree with the first part of the above. But men in their 30's, 40's, 50's also cheat during stressful events, including coming to grips with their own aging. I think ultimately adults need to take responsibility for and control of their own actions. Humans are capable of lifelong learning and adults needs to look internally when they behave in bad or destructive ways.

 

It's possible that boys raised with a sense of entitlement for the mere fact of being male may be more likely to cheat and it would be better not to raise them with that sense of entitlement. Yet, so many overcome even greater barriers from their childhood because they want to. Others don't want to, and yet others learn to be selfish and entitled as adults. Some change if they gain positions of power and wealth and then cheat. Not everything can be blamed on childhood and at some point as adults, it becomes more useful to look internally for the answers rather than blaming one's parents or teachers or society.

[stevie_23]

What I find an intersting disconnect, in regards to this line of thought, is why is it that men are finding their spouse being pregnant so stressful? What's going on with that?

 

If you don’t want a child and before your wife got pregnant, you were feeling unhappy in the relationship in general, of course it’d be a very stressful time! You may have been thinking of leaving and now you’re instead moving forward into a MORE committed type of relationship with a hell of a lot more responsibly? EEP!

 

Even if you DO want a kid and are 100% supportive of that, it can STILL be a very stressful time, for both the woman and the man! The woman’s body is changing (inside and out), hormone fluctuations, she or he may have to change their careers or work routines, financial stress, family pressures, and just the whole HUGE lifestyle change that will come once the baby’s born that will NEVER go back to how it was before. That’s SCARY, is it not? lol

[stevie_23]

This is true. Although I think even GOOD guys who are good partners and who end up being good parents can still feel some fear and uncertainty. It's a hell of a lot of responsibility to have a child. And some jealousy or feeling their "priority" in the relationship threatened is understandable. They have up until now had their partner all to themselves and now a new person who will take up most of their partner's time is going to be arriving. It can be a difficult adjustment for anyone.

 

And in terms of being needy...when you love someone, you need them too, so everyone who is in love or loves their partner is going to be "needy" to a certain extent.

[Lillyfree]

This is true. Although I think even GOOD guys who are good partners and who end up being good parents can still feel some fear and uncertainty.

 

that's not reserved for men only... women go through the same thing, at least i did.

[stevie_23]

Oh, of course. As I said, it’s a huge responsibility and once the baby’s born, that’s it! Your life will never be the same. I can’t think of anything MORE scary. And I don’t want children so of course this would be a pretty unpleasant situation for me, but even if you REALLY want children and can’t wait to be a mother, it’d STILL be scary. Confronting. The unknown and being responsible for a totally defenseless new person.

[stevie_23]

I don't agree...

 

Why would a "father" feel worried or threatened or jealous by the pending arrival of someone who is going to take 90% of his wife's attention away from him? Because he's not a father YET. And even when he IS one, it's STILL an adjustment. I know this based on experiences of my friends. Even the mother has to adjust to the new dynamic in the relationship.

 

Anyway, no amount of my opinion is going to change your's, and that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and they're all valid.

 

I also stand by my viewpoint that everyone who loves within an intimate relationship is "needy". I don't mean it in the literal definition of the word though. I don't mean it in a negative way either. I just mean people get used to their routines, their interactions, their PLACE within the relationship and when that changes, it can cause insecurities and stress.

 

Also, I'm never having children so I personally will never have to deal with this specific scenario anyway! lol

[Got it]

In my state it was nothing todo with discretion, it was one of several aggravating factors. Just being a woman is an aggravating factor to assault in some places.

 

Yes I saw you said that but I was getting at it beig worse.

 

My friends daughter is 5, and still her mother beats into tears if you talk about events in the first year of her life (when he was cheating and after it came out and at the worst). It's like that year didn't happen, she cannot feel joy for that first year of her life. Her only daughter. That's a loss you clearly still don't understand. It is on top of infidelity per se.

 

MFH, at some point the person also becomes accountable to their current actions even based on past pains, illnesses, tragedies. It is the difference between being a victim or a survivor.

 

Why would she allow those feelings to continue? Like everyone says about emotions/feelings and affairs, this is true across the board. Feelings are a choice. She is choosing to allow this to continue to impact her relationship with her child. I am sorry for her but she also needs to own that peace.

 

What if she had another child who died. And so she spends her time mourning that other child throughout her other child's life. Is she not responsible for missing the current events of her life because she continues to focus in the past?

 

Therapy will help someone with these pieces. I can live my life focusing on past traumatic events or I can reach a point where I am not going to allow it to define me and I am going to live my life to the fullest in spite of it. That is a choice.

[Got it]

I agree with the first part of the above. But men in their 30's, 40's, 50's also cheat during stressful events, including coming to grips with their own aging. I think ultimately adults need to take responsibility for and control of their own actions. Humans are capable of lifelong learning and adults needs to look internally when they behave in bad or destructive ways.

 

It's possible that boys raised with a sense of entitlement for the mere fact of being male may be more likely to cheat and it would be better not to raise them with that sense of entitlement. Yet, so many overcome even greater barriers from their childhood because they want to. Others don't want to, and yet others learn to be selfish and entitled as adults. Some change if they gain positions of power and wealth and then cheat. Not everything can be blamed on childhood and at some point as adults, it becomes more useful to look internally for the answers rather than blaming one's parents or teachers or society.

 

Wo - I am not saying that looking into it means that it excuses anything. It doesn't and it is a choice that the person has to own. But what I am saying is we start to understand the slippery slope on where/how this is happening, we might be able to "back things up" and stop it before it happens. What I suspect is we teach boys/men to suppress their emotions. They are not to discuss, them "man up", etc. So they don't address how they are feeling. Biology plays a factor as well in this. There have been studies down based on how adults interact with male babies and how they interact with female babies and the focus on emotions, vocabulary, etc. with the girls and with boys it is more physical interaction, rough housing, etc. We start this when they are babies. So boys grow up not learning to the same level as girls how to deal with feelings, communication, etc. And so I think it shows its results when they are adults. Men are taught to be providers and "fixers". So when a life event happens that they can't fix, they also don't handle it in a healthy manner.

 

This doesn't excuse things but it is something to look at for future generations. On the flip side, look at the importance of relationships in our daughter's lives and their self esteem and independence so they aren't in relationship to be in relationships or because it completes them. Breaking down the slippery slopes will help look at affairs as well as other "ills" of adulthood. And really gets down to what makes people tick.

[Got it]

I think there is a huge difference in grieving a tragedy that was no ones fault and a deliberate act of aggression by 2 other human beings. Human history tells us that many never get over the latter. And I do not think see has that choice to "just get over it". She is a fantastic mother. But one who has had to blot out the first year and all it could have been. Another friend had a child who spent its first year struggling for life. She agrees that she feels far less grief at losing that year. She knew it was no ones fault and her reward is the child lived. She let it go almost immediately along with her dreams of the perfect birth. It's very different to be "thrown down the stairs" in malice. Even if the perpetrators didnt recognize their malice at the time, even if one of them still won't own up to it.

 

MFH - You are quite dramatic. Pain is pain, correct? I am sure there are MANY mothers who will tell you that they would rather their spouse cheat than lose their child. Not everyone assesses this as the most painful thing they have gone through. But you, ultimately, are on the same side of this as I am. YOU HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED IT, so you cannot assume for others. Just like I can not assume for others either.

 

History tells us that many do not get over different things. That does not mean that they "should" get over it or it is reasonable that they do not.

[ThatJustHappened]

I think there is a huge difference in grieving a tragedy that was no ones fault and a deliberate act of aggression by 2 other human beings. Human history tells us that many never get over the latter. And I do not think see has that choice to "just get over it". She is a fantastic mother. But one who has had to blot out the first year and all it could have been. Another friend had a child who spent its first year struggling for life. She agrees that she feels far less grief at losing that year. She knew it was no ones fault and her reward is the child lived. She let it go almost immediately along with her dreams of the perfect birth. It's very different to be "thrown down the stairs" in malice. Even if the perpetrators didnt recognize their malice at the time, even if one of them still won't own up to it.

 

I agree with you that cheating is a terrible thing, but pain is relative. It's not up to you to decide what hurts the most, it's up to each individual person. It's awfully arrogant of you to assume that you can make that distinction for everybody.

[Spark1111]

Well thank GOD I was NOT pregnant when he cheated, but there were quite a few family milestones that will forever be tainted by his affair: a HS graduation, moving child into college, another child graduating college, childhood friend's wedding, the death of his father, the engagement of his nephew and our 25th wedding anniverserary when he took me away for the weekend.

 

And there are the texts and emails between them through every single event I thought he and I shared alone as a couple and as a family.

 

Trust me, father of the year he was NOT during his affair, no matter what he told his OW.

 

And those events are a trigger of all that decption, more so for him now than me, but still....HOW COULD THEY LIE for so long and justify it?

 

That's pretty painful. Still is. I do not like to discuss events from that time because his decptions so angers me. He doesn'y like to hear those events recounted because he knows what he was doing and with whom.

 

It's as if my anger and his shame will be forever ignited by his sordid affair and we have to almost NOT speak of events during the affair days.

 

Like I said, THANK GOD I wasn't pregnant. I can relate.