zaccer Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 My son got married 6 years ago. He and his wife are 29 y.o. They have no children. He had to move to another country for his job. She did not want to go with him. First, she told him that she needed to complete her education. Then, she did not want to go with him because she wanted to stay with her mother who was sick and had troubles to walk. Then, her mother had a heart attack. She had died 3.5 months ago. My son's wife was feeling very guilty and depressed. She has got isolated and stopped any contact with everyone except my son (=her husband) and her father. She had told my son that she was going to live with her father because he was depressed and had a drinking problem. My son loves her very much and he does everything to please her. He is working about 24 hrs per day without weekends and supporting her and her father financially. And, she does not care for my son's feelings and problems. She does not support him emotionally but she makes him depressed, guilty and miserable. She sometimes does not want to talk with him and if she does talk, she is very negative, miserable and angry. In other words, she wants him to suffer and feel guilty with her because her mother had died. She neglects all my son's needs and he feels very lonely and depressed. I do worry about him but I do not know how I can help him. He puts his wife on a pedestal but she makes no effort to care for him. She just takes money from him. And, she also drains his energy. I had visited my son and my heart was broken when I saw him. His apartment was a terrible mess, his hair were a mess, his clothes were not fresh. Everything was so depressing. He has lost a lot of weight. He was suffering because his wife did not want to live with him, visit him and she was very negative and depressed all the time. She does not want any contact with anyone including me and my husband. In fact, she does not want to talk to me and my husband. Before her mother died, she was strange and indifferent too. She was not open to anyone or interested in other people unless it gave her some benefits. The job in the other country is very important for my son. It is a great opportunity and a high paid job. But, his wife does not care for his carrier and she does not mind if my son quits his job to come back to live with her. Therefore, my son is going to quit the great job in 1 year and to come back to live with the woman who does not care for his feelings and is going to live with her father. Any suggestions and thoughts on the situation! Am I right to worry about the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 (edited) a grown man, your son, is perfectly able to decide about his life and his marriage for himself - why aren't you taking this into account? Edited January 22, 2013 by darkmoon 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zaccer Posted January 22, 2013 Author Share Posted January 22, 2013 a grown man, your son, is perfectly able to decide about his life and his marriage for himself - why aren't you taking this into account? I do not say anything to him. But, the results of his decisions are very depressing. He is suffering. He is losing his job. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I do not say anything to him. But, the results of his decisions are very depressing. He is suffering. He is losing his job. all out of your control, his wife's love, her presence in his life, his hopes, his choices...you could only mention concerns, mention only, to do more is to, well, i don't have to warn you about mothers/in-law that expect control, they can even become the person phoning up that nobody really wants to talk to, we don't want that for you, concentrate on your own love life. go get one Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 You are not going to like this. This woman had and still has an unnatural need to be around her parents. It could be the society, it could be that there was a very unhealthy dynamic in the family when she was growing up. It could be that she is feeling guilty about something. The fact that she was this way before this, means that to her, her parents are in a way 'her life companions', this girl will most likely never be able to truly empathise with ppl. Ok, you probably know this, feel this ... or have thought this. But what does this tell you about your son. If she was this way when they were dating, and he did not bail, it means that he has low standards with accompanying low self-esteem or was taught early on to put women on a pedestal [and this might be your fault more or less]. Either way, that deadline of 1yr that he mentioned i suspect is more about him trying to avoid talking of this with you ... because it's painfull. In a way he is lying to himself. He should divorce her right then and there, or at least talk to a lawyer and be as 'mercenary' about this as she has been with him. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Am I right to worry about the situation? Sure, you can worry about it. That doesn't give you the right to interfere or meddle in their marriage, though. You need to stay out of it. Your son is an adult and you need to let him handle his own affairs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) I disagree. My cousin ended up in a Divorce because his MIL interviened and made his life a living hell through her daughter [wife initiated the D prompted by her mother]. I know what interference from outside of marriage can do to a marriage. But this is not the case. If even half of what she wrote about this case is true [and i know she can be subjective as his mother], than she has a right to intervene for the welfare of her son. Weather or not his son will listen to her, is another matter. But this wife of his has serious emotional problems. I would not allow for a friend to be in this situation without some input from me, and an attempt to save him ... or talk to him. I can't possibly imagine what i would do for my son/daughter. Talking to him is in my book not interviening either. But i do fear that he may still be at the point where if the OP challenges his marriage for his well-being, he will stand by the marriage and against her ... thus working against the OP's goal. Edited January 23, 2013 by Radu Link to post Share on other sites
Author zaccer Posted January 23, 2013 Author Share Posted January 23, 2013 all out of your control, his wife's love, her presence in his life, his hopes, his choices...you could only mention concerns, mention only, to do more is to, well, i don't have to warn you about mothers/in-law that expect control, they can even become the person phoning up that nobody really wants to talk to, we don't want that for you, concentrate on your own love life. go get one Yes, I have called her sometimes in the past and we have even done some going out together. When I called her I did not give her any advice about her life. I just wanted to have a good relationship with her because I love my son. And, it was my initiative every time. She has never called me herself. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) Yes, I have called her sometimes in the past and we have even done some going out together. When I called her I did not give her any advice about her life. I just wanted to have a good relationship with her because I love my son. And, it was my initiative every time. She has never called me herself. and now, you want a different relationship, an absent one...you want her to go! i think you think he should get a better wife, or just get rid of this one, but you have no say in the matter, and we're all saying so, saying the same thing here, confusingly, you say he "puts his wife in a pedestal" like it's a bad thing, but it's where any spouse has the right to put their partner, it's hard for me to understand why you object to him pedestalling his wife, who might well be beside herself over her dad Edited January 23, 2013 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Author zaccer Posted January 23, 2013 Author Share Posted January 23, 2013 and now, you want a different relationship, an absent one...you want her to go! i think you think he should get a better wife, or just get rid of this one, but you have no say in the matter, and we're all saying so, saying the same thing here, confusingly, you say he "puts his wife in a pedestal" like it's a bad thing, but it's where any spouse has the right to put their partner, it's hard for me to understand why you object to him pedestalling his wife, who might well be beside herself over her dad IMO a husband and a wife should be equal. Neither of them should be submissive/a slave/a victim. When you put a person on a pedestal, you worship her/him and she/he cannot do wrong. When you put a person on a pedestal, you put yourself down as a person of lower value. Ideally, they should love and support each other equally. I would not object pedestalling his wife if she would put him on a pedestal as well. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) IMO a husband and a wife should be equal. Neither of them should be submissive/a slave/a victim. When you put a person on a pedestal, you worship her/him and she/he cannot do wrong. When you put a person on a pedestal, you put yourself down as a person of lower value. Ideally, they should love and support each other equally. I would not object pedestalling his wife if she would put him on a pedestal as well. it's all up to him to decide Edited January 23, 2013 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Any suggestions and thoughts on the situation! ? Yes, mind your own business. Nothing is worst than a meddling in-law. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) she has lost her mother, her father's in crisis, maybe he's on the way out too...no wonder she's got problems Edited January 23, 2013 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Send him to this website: www.bettermen.org And order the book Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. from their and send it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 she has lost her mother, her father's in crisis, maybe he's on the way out too...no wonder she's got problems I get that she's had a rough patch. That the overseas job put a strain. But I refuse to accept that this is all his fault. He married someone who expected to taken care of, it sounds like, not the other way around. Either that, or her parents raised her to be more close to them than to her husband. SHE has some work to do. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 I get that she's had a rough patch. That the overseas job put a strain. But I refuse to accept that this is all his fault. He married someone who expected to taken care of, it sounds like, not the other way around. Either that, or her parents raised her to be more close to them than to her husband. SHE has some work to do. work on what? her parents' funeral arrangements? you are quite hard-nosed, imho Link to post Share on other sites
Nyla Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 Mothers who meddle and disparage their adult children's spouses will find themselves left out of the loop and demonized. You sound like a jealous and nosy MIL. I have one of those and we rarely see her or talk to her. My husband's brother also wants very little to do with his meddling martyr mom. My mother tries to butt into my marriage, but my husband and I stand up for each other. It is time for you to either seek therapy for your need to control or get some hobbies so that you are too busy to pass judgement about things that are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. The arrogance is breathtaking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 OP, I'm sorry that things are that tough for your son. I'm sure it does break your heart to see that his happiness is down, he's lost weight and his apartment seems pitiful. I'm sure that as a mother that hurts you. HOWEVER.... What most people are saying with regards to your son making his own decisions is true. He needs to sort out his issues with his wife. You can't play a role in that except for supporting him and listening to him if he comes to you. I don't know what your son's wife was like when they initially got together. And yes, from your story it comes off like she's being distant and taking advantage of your son. HOWEVER...her mom just recently passed away!! I would be a terrible mess if that was my mom. And now she's worried about her widower dad (who has his own health problems) - you daughter in law has a plate full of stress and misery right now and I can certainly sympathize - I hope you do as well. I understand that to mothers their kids are always their babies no matter how old they are - I get that you are just worried about your son, but you need to just give him space and let him be a big boy that sorts out his own issues. All you can do is just support him. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 work on what? her parents' funeral arrangements? you are quite hard-nosed, imho I buried both my parents. It didn't stop me - nor SHOULD it have - from still being a wife to my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 What most people are saying with regards to your son making his own decisions is true. He needs to sort out his issues with his wife. You can't play a role in that except for supporting him and listening to him if he comes to you. The one OTHER thing he needs from you is advice. That is how children learn and grow - by listening to the advice their (hopefully good) parents give them. Right now, he is awash in misery and guilt and lack of understanding of what happened. You CAN step in and start talking to him. Tell him what you see. Tell him things that have happened in YOUR marriage, or other marriages you've known over the years. Tell him how THEY resolved their issues. Let him learn from your wisdom. Give him the material I suggested. Then step back and let him make his own decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 One other thing to consider is that she may be depressed. After my mom died, I was still bawling my eyes out 5 months later. (note that I STILL took care of my wifely duties, though) So I went to my doctor, who gave me a 3-month prescription for antidepressants, to help me get out of the sadness. I still miss her and cry for her now and then. But it helped me realize I needed to get on with my life. Maybe he could suggest that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 My son got married 6 years ago. He and his wife are 29 y.o. They have no children. He had to move to another country for his job. She did not want to go with him. First, she told him that she needed to complete her education. Then, she did not want to go with him because she wanted to stay with her mother who was sick and had troubles to walk. Then, her mother had a heart attack. She had died 3.5 months ago. My son's wife was feeling very guilty and depressed. She has got isolated and stopped any contact with everyone except my son (=her husband) and her father. She had told my son that she was going to live with her father because he was depressed and had a drinking problem. My son loves her very much and he does everything to please her. He is working about 24 hrs per day without weekends and supporting her and her father financially. And, she does not care for my son's feelings and problems. She does not support him emotionally but she makes him depressed, guilty and miserable. She sometimes does not want to talk with him and if she does talk, she is very negative, miserable and angry. In other words, she wants him to suffer and feel guilty with her because her mother had died. She neglects all my son's needs and he feels very lonely and depressed. I do worry about him but I do not know how I can help him. He puts his wife on a pedestal but she makes no effort to care for him. She just takes money from him. And, she also drains his energy. I had visited my son and my heart was broken when I saw him. His apartment was a terrible mess, his hair were a mess, his clothes were not fresh. Everything was so depressing. He has lost a lot of weight. He was suffering because his wife did not want to live with him, visit him and she was very negative and depressed all the time. She does not want any contact with anyone including me and my husband. In fact, she does not want to talk to me and my husband. Before her mother died, she was strange and indifferent too. She was not open to anyone or interested in other people unless it gave her some benefits. The job in the other country is very important for my son. It is a great opportunity and a high paid job. But, his wife does not care for his carrier and she does not mind if my son quits his job to come back to live with her. Therefore, my son is going to quit the great job in 1 year and to come back to live with the woman who does not care for his feelings and is going to live with her father. Any suggestions and thoughts on the situation! Am I right to worry about the situation? A woman who has a problem with her son's wife -- SHOCKING. Stay out of it. It's none of your business. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 This highly worries me. Depression over a lost marriage can really damage a person. If what you have stated is not an exxageration i suggest you sit down and speak to your son about where he sees himself in 5 years. In my honest opinion. i believe this woman feels nothing for your son. she is using him for financial reasons. she defenitley has another interest. and its defenitley not your son. the death of a parent can be hard. but everyone needs a shoulder to cry on and in this case that should be him. ask yourself who's shoulder is she crying on. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 If things are as you describe I don't know why your son doesn't make some demands or get a divorce. If more people were capable of doing this, on their own, there wouldn't be such a huge demand for forums like this. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 (edited) I buried both my parents. It didn't stop me - nor SHOULD it have - from still being a wife to my husband. but this is not about you, it's about her, the thread of this conversation is about her not you yep hard-nosed you, imho, even a bereavement/s doesn't affect you Edited January 23, 2013 by darkmoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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