My son's wife is draining his energy

[turnera]

but this is not about you, it's about her, the thread of this conversation is about her not you

yep hard-nosed you, imho, even a bereavement/s doesn't affect you

Actually, it's about the SON, who is grieving as well, that his wife would rather be with her parents than him.

 

Not to mention that she's the daughter of an alcoholic, which brings a whole HOST of other problems, including inability to wean yourself out from under being your parents' caretaker.

 

IMO, NEITHER of these young people will be able to fix this situation on their own.

[darkmoon]

Actually, it's about the SON, who is grieving as well, that his wife would rather be with her parents than him.

 

Not to mention that she's the daughter of an alcoholic, which brings a whole HOST of other problems, including inability to wean yourself out from under being your parents' caretaker.

 

IMO, NEITHER of these young people will be able to fix this situation on their own.

 

YOU are as intransgent as it gets

[turnera]

Just practical. You're sitting there feeling sorry for a woman who doesn't even know you're talking about her, let alone WANTS you to feel sorry for her, when the OP is here trying to make a decision on how to make the OP's son's life better, as the son's wife is obviously just fine with staying with her own dad.

 

For the purpose at hand, some advice for the OP might be in order, rather than a threadjack about whether a woman deserves concern for her mother dying - which she does, but is neither here nor there for this thread.

[tbf]

Your son and his wife sound like codependents. Notice how the wife takes care of her parents? She's been nurtured to do so, needing people to need her, so she's overly responsible for her parents even though, you can bet that she's being treated like crap.

 

Now let's look at your son. Somewhere, he learned to need to be needed so he puts up with her crap just like she puts up with her parents crap. Bet your son is putting up a strong front for his wife so she's unaware he needs her. Since your son doesn't "appear" to need her, instead provides for her, she can treat him like crap.

 

Do you see the cycle of codependency where one's overly responsible and the other, a user?

 

Your son needs to walk away from this woman. The best time would be after he gets fired so there's no assets or income to split. But he also needs to get some professional help as to why he's a codependent.

[darkmoon]

Just practical. You're sitting there feeling sorry for a woman who doesn't even know you're talking about her,

 

quick to chastise, seeing a chance to avoid discussing a victim...

 

let alone WANTS you to feel sorry for her

 

...a victim, YOU haven't met, but you're so hard-nosed, you don't even think of a plight in bereavement

 

when the OP is here trying to make a decision on how to make the OP's son's life better

 

and nobody much agrees with you, most everybody says to butt out

 

as the son's wife is obviously just fine with staying with her own dad.

 

an alcoholic who might well die soon

 

For the purpose at hand, some advice for the OP might be in order, rather than a threadjack

 

this no threadjack, it's part of a full discussion about a marriage

 

about whether a woman deserves concern for her mother dying - which she does, but is neither here nor there for this thread.

 

it is central to the fact that she is away- and it's her father dying not her mother -

you haven't even read the post properly

[tbf]

 

it is central to the fact that she is away- and it's her father dying not her mother -

you haven't even read the post properly

Her father's not dying. He's a depressed alcoholic.

[darkmoon]

Her father's not dying. He's a depressed alcoholic.

 

which does not make life any easier for a twenty-nine year old child

perhaps his breavement turned him to the bottle?

Edited January 23, 2013 by darkmoon

[jlindemann]

Am I reading this differently than anyone??

 

 

The job in the other country is very important for my son. It is a great opportunity and a high paid job. But, his wife does not care for his carrier and she does not mind if my son quits his job to come back to live with her.

 

 

 

Sounds like she doesn't care about "being taken care of". She just wants her husband back. She probably is going through a lot in her life and wants to be around people who understand.

 

I don't know if I'd be willing to move to another country for my husband. That doesn't mean I don't love him, but I have a life to live too.

[SpiralOut]

Am I reading this differently than anyone??

 

 

 

 

Sounds like she doesn't care about "being taken care of". She just wants her husband back. She probably is going through a lot in her life and wants to be around people who understand.

 

I don't know if I'd be willing to move to another country for my husband. That doesn't mean I don't love him, but I have a life to live too.

 

It sounds like she also doesn't care about her husband's career, that he has this chance to advance. She just wants him to come back because that's what she wants. Why doesn't she go visit him if she misses him so much....

[turnera]

I don't know if I'd be willing to move to another country for my husband. That doesn't mean I don't love him, but I have a life to live too.

That's true. Women don't uproot for their husbands' jobs like they used to. And she wasn't happy that he took it. So that is something they will have to agree on. But in many places, it's much more common to travel to other countries for work. All we know about them is the little the OP has said in a couple posts. I'm sure there's a lot more to BOTH their sides than we know. All we can do is offer what we think would help.

[tbf]

As a thought, have you considered suggesting to your son that he stop financially supporting her so he can afford to peel back his working hours to something a bit more reasonable and healthy?

[M30USA]

Sounds like my ex wife. Hadn't cut the apron strings, lacked the ability to have empathy (except for cats), and emotionally drained me. Except, in our case, it was HER mother who was the intrusive one.. The proof of this is that even my ex admitted that her mom was trying to control our family and it even bothered HER.

[zaccer]

Your son and his wife sound like codependents. Notice how the wife takes care of her parents? She's been nurtured to do so, needing people to need her, so she's overly responsible for her parents even though, you can bet that she's being treated like crap.

 

It is true that she has been nurtured to take care for her parents. She felt very guilty about things like that even before her mother had died. As far as I know her father is healthy in general but he is depressed and into drinking.

I do worry about him too.

 

Also, she was the only child and she was treated by her parents like a princess.

Edited January 24, 2013 by zaccer

[zaccer]

As a thought, have you considered suggesting to your son that he stop financially supporting her so he can afford to peel back his working hours to something a bit more reasonable and healthy?

 

He has been supporting her financially during all the marriage. She had never worked because he had paid for her education and all living expenses. He cannot even imagine that he stops supporting her. In fact, she has a good job now.

[tbf]

He has been supporting her financially during all the marriage. She had never worked because he had paid for her education and all living expenses. He cannot even imagine that he stops supporting her. In fact, she has a good job now.

Come again? He continues to support her and her father, even though she's got a good job and is bringing in a decent income? If so, what does she do with her money?

[turnera]

He has been supporting her financially during all the marriage. She had never worked because he had paid for her education and all living expenses. He cannot even imagine that he stops supporting her. In fact, she has a good job now.

Then I will reiterate what I suggested earlier, sending him to the website bettermen.org, and the book I recommended, which will teach him how to have a balance in his marriage, where he is not carrying the whole weight of the marriage.

[zaccer]

Then I will reiterate what I suggested earlier, sending him to the website bettermen.org, and the book I recommended, which will teach him how to have a balance in his marriage, where he is not carrying the whole weight of the marriage.

 

My son does not accept any advice on his marriage from anyone. He only listens to his wife's opinion. For example, his appearance, clothes, hygine are not so good because he is depressed. His relatives have told him about that a few times but he did not care.

[turnera]

Then you're wasting your time here, aren't you?

[KraftDinner]

He doesn't seek advice. And yet you're trying to "fix" his life.

 

You fault his wife for wanting to be with him. Now you're criticising their financial arrangements....how is this your business?

 

I'm sorry for being unsympathetic but this is between the two of them. It is none of your business. If you were coming here to vent, fine, but it seems like you're looking for ways to insert yourself into their relationship and take control.

 

How was your relationship with YOUR mother in law? Oh, but that was different, right? It always is.

[KraftDinner]

Mothers who meddle and disparage their adult children's spouses will find themselves left out of the loop and demonized.

 

You sound like a jealous and nosy MIL. I have one of those and we rarely see her or talk to her. My husband's brother also wants very little to do with his meddling martyr mom.

 

My mother tries to butt into my marriage, but my husband and I stand up for each other.

 

It is time for you to either seek therapy for your need to control or get some hobbies so that you are too busy to pass judgement about things that are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. The arrogance is breathtaking.

 

This is SPOT ON.

[zaccer]

He doesn't seek advice. And yet you're trying to "fix" his life.

 

You fault his wife for wanting to be with him. Now you're criticising their financial arrangements....how is this your business?

 

I'm sorry for being unsympathetic but this is between the two of them. It is none of your business. If you were coming here to vent, fine, but it seems like you're looking for ways to insert yourself into their relationship and take control.

 

How was your relationship with YOUR mother in law? Oh, but that was different, right? It always is.

 

First, his wife does not want to live with him.

 

Second, my MILs did not pay any attention to me. I was married twice. The MIL had no reason to worry about their sons because I was living with my husbands.

But, I was waiting for many years during my first marriage when my parents finally got involved in my marriage and helped me to get divorced. I was so thankful to them that they finally helped me because I was alone and abused. I needed someone to give me a hand very much.

[turnera]

But you say he won't listen to you. So there's really nothing you can do.

[M30USA]

But you say he won't listen to you. So there's really nothing you can do.

 

Maybe he's being a quote "good husband" by ignoring sound advice from people who are trying to tell him that he's getting a raw deal.

[Treasa]

His hygiene and all of that are on him. His depression is on him. If he can't take care of himself with a wife, how would he do it without one?

 

I can understand a career being important, but if it's making you depressed, you need to choose what's more important - your spouse or your career. I wouldn't be thrilled about moving to another country, either.

 

Did I miss the part about what she does with the money she earns?

[sLiPpeTh]

So the wife is a drag on the son's energy? That's his problem. It's not yours.