How much of your MM’s real life did he share with you?

[Decorative]

I'm curious to find out what all of you think I was actually LIKE in this affair.

 

Do you think I was this "perfect" little naive OW who never got angry, never got upset, never expressed anything negative to him because I felt I had to be perfect for him and NOT like his wife? Who needs two wives if you can have a mistress, that kind of thing?

 

I am sorry if I missed this part- did you ever actually physically meet him?

[stevie_23]

Nope. He lives a billion miles away. Across the planet, literally. Since both of us have other partners, we couldn't just fly over and visit.

[Journee]

My Gosh, how therapeutic this LS experience is. I am posting as a BS.

 

I actually met with the OW in my situation. My H and I were separated at the time but reconciling. I was six months pregnant at the time and it was 2 a.m. when she and I first spoke. She was actually with one of her three boyfriends when I called her. So I already felt that whatever was going on could not have been serious on either of their parts. That feeling soon changed. She shared with me things about myself that were very hard to hear. Our unborn baby had a spot on her heart that we were worried about. I had to have a procedure done to gauge the severity of a couple of precancerous lesions that were found during one of my OB appointments. She knew about those things. She talked about outings with our oldest. Our sex life. Most of what she told me I knew she was telling me the truth about. Other things I believe she wanted to hurt WH with through hurting me. When she and I met in person , her trying to play up the situation.was evident but I knew that I had to accept they had a friendship that WH and I no longer had.

 

 

I totally get that their are friendships and sharing. I imagine most As begin as friendships that grow in intensity.

[stevie_23]

I totally get that their are friendships and sharing. I imagine most As begin as friendships that grow in intensity.

 

This is true in my case. I met my ex-MM on a music forum we were both members of, back in 2008. I was only in the "singing" section for the first year, he was only in the "songwriting" section. I moved over to the songwriting section, met various kind people, became friendly with several of them, him included. And then in 2011, suddenly we just...got together. It felt like it took a while, but looking back, it was so quick. Once we started sending private messages through the forum, within a month we were confirmed as being together.

[canuckprincess]

For the OW, did / does your MM share much of his real life with you? Meaning, does he tell you of his day to day activities, things that happen to him that don’t affect you otherwise? All the little boring mundane things “real” couples share?

 

Does he tell you if / when he and his wife are intimate? Does he tell you if / when they spend any enjoyable time together? Does he downplay any of this or leave it out altogether?

 

Just curious.

 

MM and I talk about everything, I truly don't think there's much he hasn't told me over the past 7 years. We talk about work, families, and every other topic under the sun. I can't imagine any married couple sharing more then we have over the years. As far as downplaying I'm sure he has, but nothing comes to mind.

[Decorative]

Nope. He lives a billion miles away. Across the planet, literally. Since both of us have other partners, we couldn't just fly over and visit.

 

ah.

 

Then how do I think you were in this affair? I think you were probably whatever you wanted to be. You never met him in person. You have no way to verify anything he told you. He had no way to verify anything you said.

 

Sounds like a big old batch of fantasy to me. You aren't "together"'with someone you've never laid eyes on. You just aren't.

[stevie_23]

Ok. So my real life relationship with my partner of 11.5 years...we met online too. Back in 2001. We were online only for 9 months after we met online, before finally meeting in person. Do you consider that was a fantasy? Do you consider those first 9 months of our relationship don't count?

 

I do agree with you to an extent that not everything could be evidenced or validated in my affair with my ex-MM because of the distance and online method of communication, etc. We did what we could and I believe mostly it was honest on both sides. Online chats, emails, videos, texting. The videos validated a lot.

 

Also, what makes him that different to me? I was honest with him. I was myself. Why must it be such an impossibility that he was too, with me?

 

Anyway, I asked the question because I just wondered how people saw me in this affair. If I've been painted as this perfect (or attempt at perfect) OW while he's the philanderer who used me up and spat me out so to speak.

 

I was not perfect. He treated me better than I treated him. He always understood me and was patient with me, encouraged me, supported me, was GOOD to me. I know this isn't hard with an online affair. It's easy to be nice, you know? But I went through some VERY hard times and he supported me even though it stressed him out a lot to experience those with me.

 

I was NOT always good to him. I would get angry, yell at him, abuse him verbally, be blatantly mean to him, throw his previous 4 marriages back in his face at times to hurt him, accuse him of not loving me, etc.

 

Anyway...I'm not in any way saying this is a reason he left me or whatever, but for almost 2 years, he stayed even despite that. So he DID love me. And I wasn't the perfect OW. He didn't want a mistress. He wanted a "wife" he was in love with, even if it was a fantasy.

[Lillyfree]

You didn't tell someone you cared about and were seriously involved with about a serious health issue? That seems unusual to me. Why wouldn't you share that?

 

no one but my husband knew, and i only told him because i had to leave for appointments early in the morning and wasn't going to be at work.

 

don't know why i preferred to keep it to myself. it was a bit of a shock to find out there could be something going on, and i was quite anxious about the tests...

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I knew a lot about him and his gf, I used to visit him at work and he would come to my job and sit with me like the whole 5 hours I was there, then his girlfriend started coming too :/ so when she would be there he wouldn't talk to me as much but there were a few times he would just leave her sitting on the basketball court and come up and hug me and stuff right in front of her.. It was awkward. He never really said she was his girlfriend but I have some common sense.. Anyways I knew a lot about them and their problems and fights and his friends would talk to me about it. So I knew a lot but I didn't realize he was also telling her things I was telling him like about myself... I found that out after everything was said and done. So I guess it's whatever.

[Lillyfree]

I get that, I wasn't entirely sure when I read it WHO you hadn't told. I hope everything turned out ok.

 

thank you all good now - it turns out i was too stubborn to let it beat me

 

i haven't told OM everything, downplayed the thing and said i just took a day off for regular checkups and my phone died.

 

and tbh, i don't think he cared either way... once i knew the results i told him everything, he was fairly 'meh' about it.

[Catplates]

A question for those of you who had constant contact throughout the day.

 

1) Why?

2) Is this a phenomenon related to affair relationships?

 

I cannot fathom speaking with my husband all day long, especially while he is working. What do/did you talk about?

 

simply in one word....CONTROL

[Catplates]

Stevie, you sound like a very smart woman, but at the same time you are naive. All the MM told you was BS to keep you on the hook. And you bought all of it. I am ag uy, I know how the system works.

 

This man was long distance and very old, probably too old to have an effective erection. And you buy his stories about how he wants to be more kinky? He was simply looking for your attention, validation, and admiration. In many ways the two of you were working for the same goal and mirrored each other.

 

Why are so many women so innocent?????:eek:

 

Will you marry me Pierre... think I am in love with you.

 

Cat

[Got it]

This is an interesting observation.

 

I think some of it may also be related to how much time APs have to spend together. Lots of APs don't get to see each other at will at any time of night or day so usually the constant virtual/electronic communication substitutes for that I find...it's kind of like in LDRs.

 

In my own experience, my A was a double whammy, both LDR and an A. I spent A LOT of time constantly on the phone, emailing, texting, IMing etc. and shared every minute detail. It felt comforting and made us feel included in each other's lives, although not physically around. I think lots of APs do this. I then compare it to another relationship I had,a single one, with a boyfriend that lived only 20 minutes away, we did not text/email/phone nearly as much. I think part was that I knew I could see him when I wanted and it wasn't a feeling of shortness of time or needing to tell him everything so he could feel closer to me because he lived elsewhere.

 

I had never thought about it before until I read your post. But I find it to resonate with my experience. With my single boyfriend we texted and called each day but not to that degree...it wasn't constant. With my AP my phone was attached to me. With my single boyfriend generally a good morning text, couple others throughout the day, a couple calls and usually it was to coordinate seeing him later. Generally we spent more face time so didn't need to electronically communicate as much. So I imagine with a husband/SO who lives at your house, you get to see them in the morning before you leave for the day and when you get home and all weekend, so there is that comfort there, so the constant texting/calling would be overkill while in LDRs and As that comfort is not always present and so all that electronic contact compensates.

 

I agree that during LDR there is a lot of similar contact, even living with dMM we still communicate a good bit.

 

I really think it depends on the dynamics of the relationship and just how much you may have to discuss with the other person. Now dMM and I both travel a good bit for work so will communicate whenever we have a free moment because our schedules are not 9-5 and so not always sure when we can talk. But even when both home, we talk on the phone a couple times in the day, for a few minutes, and then in the evening. We bounce work issues off of each other, we discuss personal events, to do lists, and ideas for our home renovation.

 

I know with my ex we gradually spoke less and less because we just ran out of things to talk about. There wasn't many open topics to discuss, didn't discuss work issues, etc.

 

We just had a different set up and so it didn't translate to more phone/interaction time.

[Yellowteacup]

I tell my OM as little as possible about my married life. FB lets the cat out of the bag when I attend public events. I want to keep my lives separate as much as possible. He is jealous at times and I believe it surprises him that he is with me because I am married.

[SidLyon]

For the OW, did / does your MM share much of his real life with you? Meaning, does he tell you of his day to day activities, things that happen to him that don’t affect you otherwise? All the little boring mundane things “real” couples share?

 

Does he tell you if / when he and his wife are intimate? Does he tell you if / when they spend any enjoyable time together? Does he downplay any of this or leave it out altogether?

 

Just curious.

 

I've been debating whether or not to say something on this thread.

 

To me a man "sharing his real life" with me, means actually living the life together, not just "telling" me about it or talking about another life that he's leading with someone else.

 

Of course talking and communicating are part of sharing a life too, but without actually living that other part of his life, I wouldn't call it "sharing his real life".

 

It makes me sad for those women that really do want to share their man's life, that him talking about his "real life" has to substitute for actually sharing that life.

[MissBee]

I've been debating whether or not to say something on this thread.

 

To me a man "sharing his real life" with me, means actually living the life together, not just "telling" me about it or talking about another life that he's leading with someone else.

 

Of course talking and communicating are part of sharing a life too, but without actually living that other part of his life, I wouldn't call it "sharing his real life".

 

It makes me sad for those women that really do want to share their man's life, that him talking about his "real life" has to substitute for actually sharing that life.

 

This is such an important distinction!

 

It's sometimes like people watching celebrity's lives on tv who because they can see inside their living room's, relationships etc. they feel like they know them. When in fact you know a portion and it is filtered and edited. You're not really participating in these people on tv's life, you're just watching/reading/hearing about the report as they live it.

 

I came to that epiphany in my A. Communicating and talking are obviously part and parcel with relationships and are good. But I think often in As...it's essentially this person reporting to you the events in a life you aren't really sharing. I recall an OW talking about the MM sending pics of his kids and all this and how she was involved in every aspect and it occurred to me that wow...no you're not. You're seeing pics of kids who do not know you and may never meet you. You hear about them via MM...but it's not the same as being a gf who gets to meet the kids, bring them presents, hang out etc. And there were so many other scenarios where one is "included" but in a spectator role essentially...on the side lines....which I suppose is better than nothing for some, but watching a game and being in the midst of it playing, being a team member etc are entirely different.

Edited January 25, 2013 by MissBee

[stevie_23]

Thank you, LFH.

 

I did feel it was real, despite not being together in person. We would have been if we could have. We live across the world from each other and both have other partners, so obviously we couldn't really BE together in person.

 

We did everything we could to be together in all the ways we could within the restrictions of our situation.

 

Some people in real life relationships don't talk or share as much of their lives as my ex and I did. They SEE each other, can touch each other, but don't talk or spend much time together sometimes. (that's only some couples of course).

[Decorative]

Thank you, LFH.

 

I did feel it was real, despite not being together in person. We would have been if we could have. We live across the world from each other and both have other partners, so obviously we couldn't really BE together in person.

 

We did everything we could to be together in all the ways we could within the restrictions of our situation.

 

Some people in real life relationships don't talk or share as much of their lives as my ex and I did. They SEE each other, can touch each other, but don't talk or spend much time together sometimes. (that's only some couples of course).

 

People can present to be anything they want, or close to it, in the type of relationship you had.

 

Have you ever watched the MTV show Catfish? And I believe there was a movie first.

 

Just because you saw him on a video screen, which eliminates not very much of the false scenario, but at least you were assured he was male and roughly the age he said he was- doesn't mean you knew him.

 

I hope for better for you. A real human relationship is better than that. You deserve better than that. It makes me sad that you don't seem to grasp what was lacking, or truly, how badly you were treated, and yes, of course, lied to. It makes me angry at him- because just reading what you report he said to you shows he didn't respect you.

 

And that's not fair . People deserve better.

[stevie_23]

You think he didn't respect me because of what he said to me? Do you mean what he said to me when he ended things, or during the relationship? He definitely respected me during the time we were together. He treated me very well.

 

And yes, I know of course I should expect and deserve a REAL in person relationship with someone I love. But it was both our choice to stay together (for that time) with someone we couldn't have that with. So...what more can I say?

 

He is the age he told me. If he was gonna lie about that, he would've gone younger than the age he is! He has his age on various websites that he knows people in real life on, as well as his Facebook page, which is all based in reality as his wife goes on there and stuff. His family is on there, etc. Sister, brother, and so on.

 

He didn't lie about any of those "concrete" details. He may have lied sometimes or ommited things about feelings or situations he thought may not have made me feel good...and honestly, I don't mind that.

 

Some people say these guys lie and hook us in so we'll stay around. But why would they WANT us to stay around for this long? We were together almost 2 years. Why would he bother? Because he loved me, that's why. And even if that love was based, to a degree, on selfishness and fantasy, I'm ok with that. Because I was no different in regards to my feelings for him.

[Decorative]

You think he didn't respect me because of what he said to me? Do you mean what he said to me when he ended things, or during the relationship? He definitely respected me during the time we were together. He treated me very well.

 

And yes, I know of course I should expect and deserve a REAL in person relationship with someone I love. But it was both our choice to stay together (for that time) with someone we couldn't have that with. So...what more can I say?

 

He is the age he told me. If he was gonna lie about that, he would've gone younger than the age he is! He has his age on various websites that he knows people in real life on, as well as his Facebook page, which is all based in reality as his wife goes on there and stuff. His family is on there, etc. Sister, brother, and so on.

 

He didn't lie about any of those "concrete" details. He may have lied sometimes or ommited things about feelings or situations he thought may not have made me feel good...and honestly, I don't mind that.

 

Some people say these guys lie and hook us in so we'll stay around. But why would they WANT us to stay around for this long? We were together almost 2 years. Why would he bother? Because he loved me, that's why. And even if that love was based, to a degree, on selfishness and fantasy, I'm ok with that. Because I was no different in regards to my feelings for him.

 

He didn't respect you because of how he treated you. He didn't treat you at all. He was at the other end of electronic devices. He wasn't your lover or even your boyfriend.

 

I'm sorry you don't see it.

 

I hope someday you see it.

 

You were played. Hard. And you fed right into it.

 

It wasn't real. Love is not selfishness or fantasy.

 

You should not be okay with any of it, and if you are, you need to spend some time and figure out why that is. It's a small life you are giving yourself. Very small.

[stevie_23]

I know that it was a "small life". I get what you mean by that. I really do.

 

I don't believe I was "played", any more than HE was played by ME. I believe we wanted the same things from each other, and while we were together, we got them.

 

Not every single affair that's long distance or online / text based is fraught with lies, deception and disrespect.

[SidLyon]

...

 

I'd agree with you in many ways, except I know an awful lot of spouses that don't "share their real life" with their spouse.

 

They get up at different times, go to the gym/work/drive carpool, many of them don't even speak to each other in the morning due to different shifts. They maybe talk briefly once during the day, errands after work/1 picks up kids from daycare/2 rushes home and cooks dinner/ the the 2 split up for the evening shift homework/soccer/football/cheer/drama/whatever, home, kids in bed, couple sits down on the couch and flips on the tv where they zone out for an hour or two and then go to bed, where sporadically they may or may not make love.

Weekends are spent rushing around for activities or chores that got missed during the week.

I'm not talking about my MM's marriage, I'm talking about the marriages of probably 40-50% or more of the people I know.

 

I'd say that a good chunk of them don't even communicate with their spouse for 30 solid quality minutes a day. Some of them are lucky and smart enough to build in couple time, but far too many let it falter.

 

Where's the conversation? Where's the sharing? What are they sharing? An address? The same air? Ironically most of them don't even want the things that they are so busy with.

 

I'll take 5 hours of talking about things that matter to one another each day and only 1 dinner a week vs. dinner every night and 120 sentences on a good day.

 

That's just me though.

 

I can't disagree with this.

 

Something very similar happened to me. Even so, it was still more than just ships passing in the day/night. We were a very child-centered marriage, and while at the time I believed we/I were doing absolutely right by my children and family, there was something in that lifestyle that obviously didn't suit my H, so he was unfaithful.

 

Nevertheless our interactions were still more than just talking about a "real life" led with someone else or another family, which is what the OP is asking about.

 

I do feel for women (whether they be OW or BW) that want to share all aspects of life with their man and can't for whatever reason. It's why I worded my first post about women rather than just OW. I know I always wanted more but my H was so remote that I resigned myself to having an aloof and non-communicative H, except for the sorts of things you described above. Now since d-day I understand it was a chicken and egg situation.

 

D-day was such a shock when I realised he was quite capable of communications and intimacy on a deeper level. He would have realised something similar about me at d-day too.

[Decorative]

I know that it was a "small life". I get what you mean by that. I really do.

 

I don't believe I was "played", any more than HE was played by ME. I believe we wanted the same things from each other, and while we were together, we got them.

 

Not every single affair that's long distance or online / text based is fraught with lies, deception and disrespect.

 

Sigh.

 

Okay.

 

I wish you thought more of yourself.

[Catplates]

I know that it was a "small life". I get what you mean by that. I really do.

 

I don't believe I was "played", any more than HE was played by ME. I believe we wanted the same things from each other, and while we were together, we got them.

 

Not every single affair that's long distance or online / text based is fraught with lies, deception and disrespect.

 

Sorry, but how do you really know? You got wrapped up in a fantasy as many of us on here have. Albeit a wonderful fantasy, but all gossamer and rainbows.

[waterwoman]

I'd agree with you in many ways, except I know an awful lot of spouses that don't "share their real life" with their spouse.

 

They get up at different times, go to the gym/work/drive carpool, many of them don't even speak to each other in the morning due to different shifts. They maybe talk briefly once during the day, errands after work/1 picks up kids from daycare/2 rushes home and cooks dinner/ the the 2 split up for the evening shift homework/soccer/football/cheer/drama/whatever, home, kids in bed, couple sits down on the couch and flips on the tv where they zone out for an hour or two and then go to bed, where sporadically they may or may not make love.

Weekends are spent rushing around for activities or chores that got missed during the week.

I'm not talking about my MM's marriage, I'm talking about the marriages of probably 40-50% or more of the people I know.

 

I'd say that a good chunk of them don't even communicate with their spouse for 30 solid quality minutes a day. Some of them are lucky and smart enough to build in couple time, but far too many let it falter.

 

Where's the conversation? Where's the sharing? What are they sharing? An address? The same air? Ironically most of them don't even want the things that they are so busy with.

 

I'll take 5 hours of talking about things that matter to one another each day and only 1 dinner a week vs. dinner every night and 120 sentences on a good day.

 

That's just me though.

 

Yep. Me too. But hey, reality is a bitch. No-one starts out that way. We all start out desperately in love and not caring about anything else, but 'stuff' builds up layer upon layer like sediment on a stalacmite. And all of it is stuff that they chose to aquire together, home, mortgage, children, pets. No-one forced either party to do these things. So it's a bit disengenuous for one party to suddenly call foul - 'Hey, look at my life, how could you have done this to me? It's not fair!" and then go looking for, or allow themselves to be found by, a person not carrying so much baggage.

 

H's affair has taught me (us) the importance of couple time and spending time and effort nurturing the relationship. And I can see the vital importance of that. But if H dared, just once, to complain about the life that we chose together, and try to blame me for it, he'd be out of door quicker than you could spell DIVORCE! Makes me furious just thinking about it