How much of your MM’s real life did he share with you?

[waterwoman]

.

 

My point was that people that co-exist don't really share a life. They just share living space.

 

 

I agree with you to a very large extent. I know you weren't justifying cheating - I was just stating that if my H tried to do that I'd want to kill him!

 

Where we differ is that I think that sharing a home, sharing children and sharing long-term goals, without a great deal of time to share time together, is STILL sharing a life, just not in the way a couple might have done when they were first together. To be busy being a family rather than just a couple can be a perfectly legitimate and successful way to get by - with the hope that when you come out of the maelstrom at the end, the relationship is still strong. But I have learned that to acheive that the relationship needs a certain amount of feeding and care.

[SidLyon]

I wasn't talking about this causing cheating, or blaming anyone or it being the catalyst. It was put out there that we aren't "REALLY" sharing their lives, and I disagreed.

I just pointed out that just because we don't have the same address doesn't mean we aren't sharing in their lives and that sharing an address isn't a guarantee that they are sharing their life with their spouse.

 

Even if they AREN'T sharing their life with their spouse, there are better solutions than cheating, many people just don't utilize those options. I didn't put this out there as the REASON for someone to cheat.

 

My point was that people that co-exist don't really share a life. They just share living space.

 

This isn't just true for cheating couples, as I said. It's really true for everyone.

 

This may be true LFH. APs do share some aspects of life and some married people merely co-exist.

 

However, the OP didn't ask her question about what real life things APs do together. Nor did she ask for OW's opinions on the type of lives enjoyed by MM with their wives. She specifically asked about what MMs tell their OW about their "real life".

 

I found this rather sad as it appears to come from a perspective that OWs do not usually share their MM's real life and only get told of it. From many answers given on this thread this appears to be the case. Some OWs such as yourself are clear that you do share a life in the usual way.

 

For many OW this isn't really true though.

 

The OP asked:

 

"For the OW, did / does your MM share much of his real life with you? Meaning, does he tell you of his day to day activities, things that happen to him that don’t affect you otherwise? All the little boring mundane things “real” couples share?

 

Does he tell you if / when he and his wife are intimate? Does he tell you if / when they spend any enjoyable time together? Does he downplay any of this or leave it out altogether?

 

Just curious."

[ThatJustHappened]

If you're calling his life with his wife and family his real life, then he's clearly not sharing very much of his life with you.

[MissBee]

If you're calling his life with his wife and family his real life, then he's clearly not sharing very much of his life with you.

 

I think that is the catch...that wording says a lot and was probably said not consciously thinking of the implication....but in fact, for many, no matter how connected they feel, they realize this person has an open/real/other life and they are in the "other" category. This isn't a jab btw....but a legitimate issue. As an OW I faced this. As much as we were in love and I knew "everything", I also knew that publicly, and where it often counted, I was the "other" and there was a primary person there, that regardless of the state of the R, wasn't hidden, was at the fore and that he had a "real" life with. Even the designation "other woman" or "other man" linguistically refers to how that relationship is often conceived.

[stevie_23]

However, the OP didn't ask her question about what real life things APs do together. Nor did she ask for OW's opinions on the type of lives enjoyed by MM with their wives. She specifically asked about what MMs tell their OW about their "real life".

 

I found this rather sad as it appears to come from a perspective that OWs do not usually share their MM's real life and only get told of it. From many answers given on this thread this appears to be the case. Some OWs such as yourself are clear that you do share a life in the usual way.

 

For many OW this isn't really true though.

 

I just want to clarify, as the OP of this thread, that I asked this question because I personally felt that my ex-MM DID share his life with me. His real life that we couldn't share in a tangible sense, in person. I still felt strongly that he did share with me. We shared our thoughts, feelings, little mundane things happening in our day to day lives, bigger more important events in our lives, our history, our interactions (to an extent) with our SO. We did videos, chatted for hours twice a day everyday, texted whenever we were both awake and able to (given the affair situation), sent emails, etc etc...

 

An in-person couple...they may or may not get up and go to bed at the same time, and this is normal. So...for example. They get up separately, one goes to work, the other later on gets up and goes to work too. Not much "sharing" going on here yet, is there? That night they come home, and even if it's a fairly happy relationship, they will chat about the events of their day, and usually not anything much deeper than that (unless there's a reason for it to be brought up). They will most likely veg out in front of the TV, eat their dinner, and then one or both will go to bed.

 

To me, the main difference in this kind of "sharing" and MY ex-relationship's kind of sharing is the in-person thing. You can touch the person and watch them directly talking to you, and mostly, it's interactive right there and then. My ex and I would do this via videos for more "intimate" and direct "face to face" sharing. We would spend our time when we were both awake chatting online and texting, but when one of us wasn't able to do that (due to being asleep usually cause of the 14-15 hour time difference), we'd do videos for each other, chatting, talking, etc. I know it was more monologues and not interactive, like he'd speak and then me and such, but it was still sharing, and we still saw each other speaking, gesturing, our mannerisms, heard each other's voices, etc.

 

I was curious if other OW felt the same way, or if most of you felt that your MM didn't or were not able to share, like some people think. I am also one to fully agree that sharing living space and a "real" life does NOT necessarily equate to sharing.

 

I thought many times during my ex-relationship that I was weirdly jealous of his wife, but also REALLY not. I was jealous that she got to SEE him everyday, had the POTENTIAL to hold him, to be intimate with him, to talk to him deeply, to be there when he wasn't well, to support him when he was upset, to experience him fully. But then again, I wasn't jealous of the fact that as I said above, the POTENTIAL for that was there, but they never lived up to it because they DIDN'T share all of that stuff. They just live together.

Edited January 27, 2013 by stevie_23

[cocorico]

I thought many times during my ex-relationship that I was weirdly jealous of his wife, but also REALLY not. I was jealous that she got to SEE him everyday, had the POTENTIAL to hold him, to be intimate with him, to talk to him deeply, to be there when he wasn't well, to support him when he was upset, to experience him fully. But then again, I wasn't jealous of the fact that as I said above, the POTENTIAL for that was there, but they never lived up to it because they DIDN'T share all of that stuff. They just live together.

 

It's a huge misperception that the BS often feels that the OW wanted to steal the BWs life (and her H) but that is seldom true. Mostly, what the OW wants is not the BWs life at all, but her own life, with the MM in it more (or full time). Nor does she want the BWs M, which she sees as inadequate. She wants her own R with the MM, just full time.

[stevie_23]

Why is that the real question?

Relationships are living things, constantly changing. You have a good realtionship from what I've seen and read on here, but you can't tell me that if x, y or z were to happen that your relationship would stay the same either. It would change and grow or drift based on the circumstances and life events that are around you, you can't surmise what WILL be based on things that haven't happened yet and the reactions of everything around that.

 

Yes. It's a huge risk.

Yes, In theory it's a crappy idea.

Yes, there's huge potential for hurt on every side. I hate that part.

 

But I'll still take the risk because what the two of us has makes it a risk that, to me, is worth taking.

 

I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with this.

[stevie_23]

It's a huge misperception that the BS often feels that the OW wanted to steal the BWs life (and her H) but that is seldom true. Mostly, what the OW wants is not the BWs life at all, but her own life, with the MM in it more (or full time). Nor does she want the BWs M, which she sees as inadequate. She wants her own R with the MM, just full time.

 

That is exactly right. I wanted HIM but not what THEY had, because I wouldn't have been able to stand being shut out by him and deceived by him and not let INSIDE him like he let me in.

[Got it]

I agree as well. I had no interest in "her" life. I had a life I enjoyed greatly. I just wanted him in my life. Saying one wants someone else's life indicates that individual has been specifically targeted and that is not the case. The BS was not focused on, usually, in the dynamic. The WS is the focus and wanting that person was/is the focus.

 

Now that does mean that the BS is never the focus and the OP never wants a life very similar to the BS. But in my case, that wasn't close to it. I didn't want to be the mother of his kids, they had one, I didn't want to have her life, that was her's.

[Summer Breeze]

I said something like that quite a while ago. That I ended up wanting the man but in no way did I want the life they had. I wanted my own with him. As Got It said all the kids have mothers and fathers so I didn't want him to be my Ds dad and his kids have a mother so that wasn't a role I wanted to be in. I wouldn't live where they do for any amount of money in the world and our personalities are so different any R with me would be worlds away from the R with her. I'm not saying the R with me would be better. I'm saying it would be mine with him and not me replacing her.

 

And Donna I do disagree. If my xH had come to me and told me he wanted a D rather than cheat it would have been over 'poof' but it wouldn't mean it wasn't worth the time and effort we put in. It wouldn't make the sharing meaningless. Even ending the M when I found out I still don't look at it as meaningless and it was definitely a 'poof' moment.

[PurpleGal]

There have actually been a few stories like this lately - one in fact where the MM actually hit the OW when her behavior threatened his M.

 

He didn't hit her because she was the OW. He hit her because he's a psychopath.

[Catplates]

If what someone has can *poof* disappear in a moment, was there really anything there to begin with? All the sharing wouldn't mean much then.

 

Donna.. I have had a kind of "poof" moment. After a 3 year affair and a few reunions, it finally happened.

 

I saw pics of him on FaceBook hugging his wife and holding hands while he was pushing his grandson in a pram.

 

It all got too much for me. From that moment.. I wiped him from my contacts and have never missed him for a moment.

 

It seemed to be my epiphany. Thank goodness for FaceBook.

 

It was the most surreal thing really. It is almost as though he never existed in my life... in reality he didn't. We just had sex with a few of the trimmings to justify it for him.

 

Cat

[Got it]

But your ex deserved the *poof* moment. There is a big difference, IMO, between a R partner crapping all over the R and being booted as a result of their own poor behavior and an AP being summarily dismissed like often happens on D Day.

 

Is that the only way things happen? After a dday a WS is booted? What about those that leave? What about those that go NC with their AP after a dday and then reengage a day, week, month, etc. afterwards?

 

Let's take in all scenarios when pushing your agenda.

 

In all scenarios just because one person goes "poof" does not mean that the relationship didn't happen, have meaning, or matter. Regardless of whether it is the BS, the AP, or the WS, if a relationship means something one/both of the partners than their assessment of value has little to do with the other person's final action. By speculating that because one person disappears that the relationship actually was null and void and had no meaning means that mean is only based on external validation. It means that it takes the other person to assume value.

 

And since we ALLLLL know that external validation is wrong, this argument is null and void. If I assume value in a relationship then the relationship was valid. My assessment is not predicated solely based on the other person.

[beenburned]

Got it,

 

Not all affairs are about love. Stats say the majority of cheating is about sex only, such as ONS,FBs.

 

In cases of the above, it can just go poof and disappear.

[cocorico]

Is that the only way things happen? After a dday a WS is booted? What about those that leave? What about those that go NC with their AP after a dday and then reengage a day, week, month, etc. afterwards?

 

Let's take in all scenarios when pushing your agenda.

 

In all scenarios just because one person goes "poof" does not mean that the relationship didn't happen, have meaning, or matter. Regardless of whether it is the BS, the AP, or the WS, if a relationship means something one/both of the partners than their assessment of value has little to do with the other person's final action. By speculating that because one person disappears that the relationship actually was null and void and had no meaning means that mean is only based on external validation. It means that it takes the other person to assume value.

 

And since we ALLLLL know that external validation is wrong, this argument is null and void. If I assume value in a relationship then the relationship was valid. My assessment is not predicated solely based on the other person.

 

 

If the MM leaves the M, as mine did, does that mean the 30 year M didn't happen? He might wish it hadn't, but that's a different story...

[stevie_23]

Well, in my specific case it was an almost 2 year affair with NO sex whatsoever because we were 100% online / text only and never met. So in my ex-MM’s case, the affair was not about sex. (not that our relationship was entirely asexual either. It was very sexual, but just not in person / physical, obviously)

 

I also am happy to hear some people saying that the “poof” moment and the actions right at the end of the affair do not invalidate the entire relationship in general. Although I am not happy with how our relationship ended, I do not feel soured or tainted in terms of my feelings towards our affair as a whole, despite this unfortunate ending.

[Got it]

Got it,

 

Not all affairs are about love. Stats say the majority of cheating is about sex only, such as ONS,FBs.

 

In cases of the above, it can just go poof and disappear.

 

bb - please reread. Your response has nothing to do with what I wrote.

[Got it]

If the MM leaves the M, as mine did, does that mean the 30 year M didn't happen? He might wish it hadn't, but that's a different story...

 

Of course not! Even if he were to say things that diminished the marriage or even to the extreme to try and say it never happened, doesn't acknowledge it, etc. it still doesn't mean that "poof" it never happened/meant anything.

 

But again my point was about the perspective of the person being "poofed" and not the "poofer". (now that sounds kind of dirty )

[beenburned]

Each person has their own perspective and feelings about just what the affair/marriage/relationship was or was not about.

 

So, just because one person goes poof/leaves/divorces, still does not invalidate the other person's perspective or feelings on what that same relationship/marriage/affair was about.

 

But, it is very clear that many people in the same relationship/marriage/affair have totally different viewpoints of their history together.

 

So, neither person is right or wrong, it is simply their own perspective.

Unless, of course, they are habitual liars!

 

My previous post only referred to sex only flings, in which both people knew and agreed to this ahead of time. So, for them, it does just go poof.

[PurpleGal]

Did I say why he hit her? Whether a cheater doesn't love because of a lack of real feelings or if it's because they are a "psychopath" the fact remains that often they cheat because of their character flaw. Not because they are in "love."

 

You were providing the example of the MM who assaulted the OW as evidence of the "poof" being discussed. A man who cheats, then lies to the OW, then hits her when things don't go his way fits most peoples definition of a psychopath. That's hardly an example of how the majority of these relationships end. Someone going NC or even blaming the OW is very different from physically striking another human being. My point was that yours was an example of a crazy person - which really isn't relevant.

[Got it]

Um, no. There WAS no *poof* in that scenario because unfortunately someone else made an excuse for the cheater and is still hanging around. It is proof, to me at least, that there is no love except the cheater's self love.

 

All one has to do is read a little of these stories here to find how often an AP is denied on dday.

 

Then what was the point of you bringing that up as an example??? Why would you even bring that poster up and their situation if it wasn't germane to the conversation or your point?

[beenburned]

Cheaters that lie and gaslight their way out of d-day, then continue the affair with the OW, are full of self love.

 

They love their lifestyle,money, and public image. They also want secret relationships on the side.

 

They are using everyone involved for their selfish benefit! Is that love for either woman or just self love?

 

Sounds very selfish and self centered to me, and BOTH women deserve a better partner/spouse!

[PurpleGal]

Then what was the point of you bringing that up as an example??? Why would you even bring that poster up and their situation if it wasn't germane to the conversation or your point?

 

Exactly. And I never said the OW isn't often denied on d-day. But holding up a physically abusive man as a representative of MM behavior makes no sense. In fact, given the conflict-avoidant nature of many of them, I wouldn't be surprised if they're LESS likely to engage in the behavior.

[TheOW]

I know pretty much all of MM life and whats he's doing, he lives very close by and texts all day what he is doing (i do not ask him he just tells me)

[TheOW]

TOW:

 

Did you ask MOM for an affair phone?

 

I am worried about you. One day you will forget to delete the texts and your H may look at your phone. Probably one of the most common causes for a d-day. Please take care of yourself.

 

Pierre !!

 

I like this reverse psychology you are hitting me with, it is making me think more about how seedy my situation really is.

 

Regarding phones i have a lock on my phone H knows this and has never asked for the number so he will not see my phone.