hopeless?

[sarah]

help, i think i'm hopelessly in love with the wrong man. i met a guy my junior year of college and fell in love. we broke up after dating a few months but even though it's over a year later, i still think about him all the time. i've tried dating other guys but i always end up thinking of him even though i've met plenty of others who have treated me better and cared more about me. maybe it's because i was more intimate with him than with any other guy...i don't know. all i know is that i miss him and everytime we try to be friends, he backs out suddenly, with little to no explanation. all i want is peace, but how do i turn off the thoughts in my head? how do i change who i am and what i want?

[Tony T]

The answer to all of your questions is it just takes time. Letting go is sometimes hard. The mind likes to latch onto people, even when they are physically gone.

 

If you keep thinking about somebody, your mind thinks they are still in your life. The mind cannot tell the difference between that which is real and that which is imagined since everything that happens to us is processed in the mind. So if you keep thinking about your ex, your mind thinks you are still seeing him and won't prompt you to forget about him or look elsewhere for someone new.

 

It might just be best for you to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and start going out with other people. Force yourself. Let your mind know you are footloose and fancy free and ready to rock 'n roll. Keeping past loves in your head without moving on serves no purpose whatsoever except to waste valueable time in your life and rob you of love that you could find in the meantime.

 

If you think you may need counselling, get it. You are certainly not working through the healing process in a healthy way.

[sparkle]

hi Sarah,

do i turn off the thoughts in my head? how do i change who i am and what i want?

You can't change who you are. You can't change what

 

you want.

 

But you can change your reactions to certain situations, you can change how you act.

 

Are you two still friends? Does it seem like you're always the one doing the calling? The one initiating things? If your friendship with him seems one-sided, you just have to make yourself move on. I know it's hard to do.

 

It's hard to move on. You said you were intimate with him. I'm guessing sex. That's one thing about us girls, we start

 

getting attached to the guy after we have sex with him, and believe me, it's difficult for us to let go of that attachment.

 

Are you trying to get over him? Or are you trying to hook back up with him? I'm not sure which of these you want.

 

But in either case, I think the best thing for you to do is to BACK OFF. Stop calling him. Try your hardest to stop thinking about him. I know it's difficult. I understand what you're going through.

 

If you're still talking to him every once in a while, and you stop talking to him, you stop making the effort to be friends with him, two things can happen.

 

1. He'll leave you alone as well. He'll go his way and you'll go your own separate way. YOu need to do this for the healing process to get in motion. It's hard to move on

 

if you're still talking to him.

 

or

 

2. When he realizes that you're not there for him, he might realize what he's missing out on. Maybe he's used to you trying to talk to him, trying to be friends. When he sees that hey...you're moving on, it'll make him wonder. It may

 

turn the tables. After a while, he might start missing you, missing the attention you gave him. Many guys like challenges.

 

So the best thing is to try to stop talking to him. You can't 'make' him start liking you again. If things don't work out, it wasn't meant to be.

 

You heard the saying along the lines of: if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you it was meant to be, but if it doesn't, then you know it never

 

was meant to be.

 

Take care.

[sarah]

perhaps i am taking your reply too literally, but i am not a rock n' roll type. honestly the thought of going out to clubs and working the singles circuit makes me want to hurl (for lack of a better way to say that). i do like meeting and interacting with others but when i get into relationships now, i feel like i'm not in it fully - like i am holding back. and the thing is, i'll be quite sure that i am over my ex because i won't think of him but slowly and surely, he creeps back into my thoughts and i assign all my insecurities with my current relationship to him...love's a bitch, ain't it? o well, sometimes it just helps to get it out on paper or computer or whatever...so long as it isn't rattling around in my head.

 

on a completely different note, how do you find time to answer all these people? are you like the site administrator or something? just curious.

 

thanks,

 

sarah

[sarah]

sparkle -

 

well, see this is where it gets weird. after we broke up, i decided i would have nothing to do with him again - it was ex that i was referring to and i was so upset by my decision to waste my virginity on this guy who appeared to be nothing but an ass that i resolved to forget all about him and move on as though nothing had happened. and then, out of the blue, six months later, he called me, wanting friendship. and that's how it goes...he'll call, say all the right things, break down my defenses, which are pretty weak around him because, let's face it, this is the guy i decided to have sex with, so there must have been and still is, something about him that i love. so he calls, lures me into thinking all is well and then backs out suddenly without warning. it's weird - he isn't mean about it - he just says he can't handle it - friendship with me. he says i shouldn't take it personally, apologises for hurting me but just cannot take being friends at this point. and so i resolve yet again not to deal with him ever agian, but this has happened twice now where he has crept back into my life only to fly back out of it and i am tired of the pain associated with him. i want to be friends but i cannot play by his rules because i do not know what they are. i don't want to hate him but he can be so exasperating!! anyway, that's the deal. and you are right - i need to just let it go. if he calls again, i need to know not to call back - not to invest anymore of my time, myself into him. but it's so much easier to say than to do.

 

c'est la vie. and thanks for your advice

 

sarah

[Tony T]

perhaps i am taking your reply too literally,

 

Yes, way, way too literally. Perhaps I shouldn't have given this one a shot. Sorry

[Yumi]

I've been in a situation like this before, and I know what you're feeling. All I can say to you is stop the relationship RIGHT NOW. Resolve that from this day forward you will not take any calls from him, you will not call him, if you see him you will wave hi and keep on walking. Tell him that it's nothing personal, if you like, that you're doing it for your OWN SAKE, but then just drop him before he can drop you. If he tries to get you back, do not trust him for a minute. You don't have to go out and try to meet people, it may take awhile for you to meet anyone new and that's really normal, but if he's out of the picture, the pain will slowly fade until you find yourself able to love again.

 

In my case, I called the guy and told him off. Then he begged for me to come back into his life. Then six months later he called and told ME off. I have not given him the time of day since. But I had to get my heart totally shattered not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES before I finally hated him so much that I couldn't love him anymore. That's really not a good way to end something. YOU be the one to end it, stop loving without starting to hate, and your heart will heal on it's own, given time. Good luck!

 

Yumi

[Mike]

Sarah,

 

I know how you feel. I went out with a girl, whom was my first True Love, for about 2 and 3/4 years. I Loved her to death and she felt the same way about me, but then she became a Real jerk and starting doing all kinds of crap (but, I don't want to make a big post about my relationship). But, anyways after she grew away from me and treated me like crap, I finally broke up with her. Then, she was even more mean to me...she didn't want to be friends. Well, I found out she wasn't really a friend of mine. Sorry,...just trying to give you a basic background.

 

But, it Sucks because I still think about her and I dunno. I just wonder what things would have been like if she hadn't done the things she had. But, as much as I have realized she is Not for me...something brings me back wondering...thinking that maybe we should still be and I do not know why.

 

It can be So difficult to get over that special somone in your life. I have come to learn that. I feel that we are in fairly similar situations. If I were you I would suggest to just try your best to get over him,...and I know that is not easy. But, if he didn't treat you as well or love you as much as other guys you have dated..then why do you want to go back with him? (I know that is kinda a silly question cause of my situation, but I know that I would NEVER go back with my ex Megan) Just keep your eyes open. There are plenty of guys out there. Just try to find one that you are very compatible with, that you love spending time with, and that will treat you right. I think I have found a girl just like that lately. But, I wish you the best of Luck!

 

Sorry for the long post and all the crap about myself. I Hope that I helped you out some though.

 

~Mike~

[sarah]

thanks, mike.

 

i don't mind hearing about your life if it helps to show me how you can relate to me so don't apologise for your post. i hope that you can stop thinking about your ex and i can stop thinking about mine.

[sarah]

yumi -

 

i know you're right. i need to stop it and i need to now. it sounds so easy writing about it right now that i wonder why i ever dwell on it...but you know how it is when you start feeling lonely, blah blah. anyway, thanks for the advice. hopefully this is the last time i have to write in about him.

 

sarah

[sarah]

tony -

 

after a good nite's sleep, i reread your advice. i was taking you too literally, sorry to have been so quick to comment without thinking over your thoughts. hope i did not offend and hope you're still not sorry you gave me advice.

 

thanks, sarah

[Deejette]

You can't be just friends after such an intimate and emotional relationship on your part (not on his, obviously, or he would not flake out on dates he had planned). What are you going to talk about as friends, the new ladies he's going out with?

 

You won't be able to forget about him, but time will make the memory less severe. Recently I encountered a man whom I had obsessed over for a long time. The repeated thoughts of him had a life of their own and took over my brain. But when I met him this time, I couldn't even remember his name when I tried to introduce him to some of my friends. So I am living proof that stuff like this goes away with time.

yumi - i know you're right. i need to stop it and i need to now. it sounds so easy writing about it right now that i wonder why i ever dwell on it...but you know how it is when you start feeling lonely, blah blah. anyway, thanks for the advice. hopefully this is the last time i have to write in about him. sarah