Spouse having your facebook password

[Daisy926]

Sorry this is long - I wanted to add things that I know people will ask.

 

I have recently had some issues in my marriage where my husband feels he is loosing me. I am confused now as to if I am happy or still in love.

 

I will be honest I did have an emotional affair but he does not know of this. I know there are things to say about this but it doesn't technically have anything to do with my question here. (I am adding this to show he has never known about this and there has never been infidelity or a reason to question me) I think the main issue is I am not happy and he is finally concerned.

 

We have been together for 18 years married 4 and in our mid 30's no kids. There has never been a reason for mis trust AT ALL. For the last year I have tried to talk to him and he was not listening. When he finally realized I was possibly wanting out he has shown some interest (although that comes and goes). I know I sound harsh but I have my reasons and have posted before.

 

Well my issue was when he was scared he logged in my facebook (it was an easy password) and read every single thing on it. I have actually nothing to hide on facebook at all but it bothered me. I changed the password but eventually gave it to him. I found out initially as he asked me about something I posted seconds before.

 

I know this sounds childish but that was 2 months ago... Just now I went to charge his phone as he fell asleep on the couch. When I added the charger it woke the phone and what was up - my facebook account.

 

I am angry right now as we have so many issues and he is focusing on such childish things. I honestly don't care but feel if you have the need not just to know my password but be logged onto it on YOUR phone that is an issue.

 

I am all for being open and honest but not when the other person is not getting the serious issues we have in our marriage.

 

Just wondering what everyone's views are on this.

 

Thanks

[aussietigerwolf]

meh, it wouldn't bother me. he'd get very bored with all the art and supernatural stuff on my fb

[Daisy926]

I agree and understand what you mean I guess I am just upset that now that I am finally trying to better myself and do things for me he is scared to loose me he is doing this without my knowledge.

 

There are so many issues it is hard to explain in 1 post but basically I have been raising a man child and I am sick of it. After complaining forever he is showing an interest but only in the childish stuff. Hard to explain but thanks

[aussietigerwolf]

I agree and understand what you mean I guess I am just upset that now that I am finally trying to better myself and do things for me he is scared to loose me he is doing this without my knowledge.

 

There are so many issues it is hard to explain in 1 post but basically I have been raising a man child and I am sick of it. After complaining forever he is showing an interest but only in the childish stuff. Hard to explain but thanks

 

ahh... man children... well that is different and very annoying.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Instead of reassuring him, you changed your password and made him even more paranoid. You have cheated (EA counts), so he probably has sensed something is wrong and that you are not being honest with him. Sounds like a smart guy who needs transparency and truth from his spouse before he can find sanity and trust again.

[DarrenK]

I agree your acting as your the victim and your cheating?he feels your distance so ether love this man to work on your issues or leave with dignity

You know... he could feel that you are acting in a different way and he has feelings that you have cheated on him... (You actually have cheated on him so I would not blame him for that)... He is just looking for reassurance!

Anyway I pity him... you have already signed off from the marriage and feel not remorse at all for your affair...

[Daisy926]

I understand what you guys are saying and I did change it back to the password he knows.

 

I do want to say that I have posted about my relationship before. It is not as cut and dry as you think. Sure I take full blame for having an online emotional affair but I am not about to say I am fully to blame for our maritial problems. 2 people have to be part of a marriage not 1 doing everything.

 

I don't mean to sound defensive and I am not blaming my husband for my emotional affair at all.. I know this was wrong but I do feel it is not right to say just because 1 partner had an emotional affair the pity should go to the other partner.

 

When you give and give and then give more and have no emotional, financial or sexual support sometimes you just feel beaten down.

 

I have realized an emotional affair was not helping the situation (although I felt these emotions prior) I have cut it off and am looking at therapy, counselling etc. I do feel I am past the point but that does not mean I won't try to do all I can.

 

The reason I worded my question this way is because i do understand the responses. I just would like to add I have never shown any signs of emotional affair nor has it taken place on facebook.

 

He is snooping because I told him I am not happy, that I may have fallen out of love. This was 1 year after I have been telling him and him ignoring me until I got more serious.

 

Thanks for listening. Again I DO understand why you said what you did I just dont feel a partner should be forgiven for all wrongs, etc just because the other had an EA

[lattes]

I'm new here but not to marriage.

 

First off, every relationship has ups and downs.

 

If you are no longer having an EA and think it would cause more problems to tell him than to not, DONT.

 

You can't control others but you can control yourself. If you want your marriage to work, resolve to make it the best marriage ever starting now.

 

Make him never want to look at your FB.

 

When you see him next time put your arms around his waist and kiss him deeply. Don't think of anything but his lips. Continue until shoulders drop and repeat.

 

Don't dwell on the past, you can't change it, but you CAN influence the future.

 

Good luck.

[jwi71]

I have recently had some issues in my marriage where my husband feels he is loosing me. I am confused now as to if I am happy or still in love.

 

I would guess he is picking up on all the subtle clues that your detachment brings. The energy put into the A and "everything else you disnt elaborate on" was missed and he is reacting to save the M.

 

I will be honest I did have an emotional affair but he does not know of this. I know there are things to say about this but it doesn't technically have anything to do with my question here. (I am adding this to show he has never known about this and there has never been infidelity or a reason to question me) I think the main issue is I am not happy and he is finally concerned.

 

I think infidelity is a critical factor here.

You are saying you feel violated he read your FB. While cheating on him.

I trust you see the hypocrisy here.

If you are not happy pursue a healthy alternative like IC or MC.

 

I hate to say it but with your EA you lose all claim to any right of privacy - it was this privacy which allowed the EA to happen.

 

I know you are want to say he had no idea - but IME the BS knows "something" is up but simply can't place it.

 

We have been together for 18 years married 4 and in our mid 30's no kids. There has never been a reason for mis trust AT ALL. For the last year I have tried to talk to him and he was not listening. When he finally realized I was possibly wanting out he has shown some interest (although that comes and goes). I know I sound harsh but I have my reasons and have posted before.

 

No reason for mistrust except for your EA.

Stop minimizing it.

 

As far as your H, sometimes men don't get it. We just don't. It takes bringing it to a head, the realization that you might leave, to wake us up.

 

Seek MC and IC. And if you are still cheating stop.

 

Well my issue was when he was scared he logged in my facebook (it was an easy password) and read every single thing on it. I have actually nothing to hide on facebook at all but it bothered me. I changed the password but eventually gave it to him. I found out initially as he asked me about something I posted seconds before.

 

I know this sounds childish but that was 2 months ago... Just now I went to charge his phone as he fell asleep on the couch. When I added the charger it woke the phone and what was up - my facebook account.

 

One take is he suspects th cheating and is looking for evidence.

Another is that because communication sounds horrible by both of you, he is looking to gain insight by reading your FB. Trying to understand you and your position. Yes, he should just ask. But he isn't.

 

You should also try more honesty

 

I am angry right now as we have so many issues and he is focusing on such childish things. I honestly don't care but feel if you have the need not just to know my password but be logged onto it on YOUR phone that is an issue.

 

Why is this an issue?

Privacy can easily become secrecy - as you know.

You have every right to deny him access to your FB.

You also get to face the consequence of that action.

 

I am all for being open and honest but not when the other person is not getting the serious issues we have in our marriage.

 

I agree your M is in crisis.

But I'm not sure what serious issue you are referring to...your cheating?

The horrendous communication? Your lying? His distance?

 

Which one are you referring to?

 

Just wondering what everyone's views are on this.

 

You are having an A to escape the voids in your M and blaming it on him.

He won't listen, he violates my privacy, he won't do this or that or the other.

 

You BOTH need MC and YOU need IC.

 

I know you want to whine about his reading his FB but that's such a trivial thing given what you've shared.

 

Do you want to save your M or end it?

What actions can you take?

[stillafool]

I wouldn't have a problem at all with my husband having my passwords to everything as I'm not trying to hide anything from him. Why do you need to keep your FB password a secret?

[BetheButterfly]

meh, it wouldn't bother me. he'd get very bored with all the art and supernatural stuff on my fb

 

My husband says that whenever he wants to look at pics of animals, he checks out my facebook lol

 

It doesn't bother me that my husband has my facebook password, as well as my email password. I have nothing to hide from him and do not wish to hide anything from him.

 

Now, I've never had an emotional affair with anyone though while dating him or while being married. Also, I see my husband and I as a team, in "my innermost circle" if you will.

 

Now, I've come to the attention that other people do not have this same confidence with their spouse, which is fine. People are diverse. However, it would be good OP to ask yourself if you love your husband enough (and love is action) to address the root of the issue, which are his fears/insecurities.

[BetheButterfly]

I'm new here but not to marriage.

 

First off, every relationship has ups and downs.

 

If you are no longer having an EA and think it would cause more problems to tell him than to not, DONT.

 

I disagree with that. I think she should tell, but in a tactful way and/or with a marriage counselor.

You can't control others but you can control yourself. If you want your marriage to work, resolve to make it the best marriage ever starting now.

 

Beautiful

 

Make him never want to look at your FB.

 

When you see him next time put your arms around his waist and kiss him deeply. Don't think of anything but his lips. Continue until shoulders drop and repeat.

 

Awesome advice!!!

 

Don't dwell on the past, you can't change it, but you CAN influence the future.

 

Good luck.

 

I agree on not dwelling on the past, but i do think honesty is important, so that trust and a pure/clear conscious can help build a solid relationship. However, yeah dwelling on it after telling about it isn't healthy. And yeah, it's so true that one can influence the future by what one does NOW.

 

Great post!

[Turtles]

It doesn't bother me that my partner has my fb password, or my email password. It would bother me if she had an unhealthy obsession with checking it all the time, either out of mistrust or out of clinginess. Snooping on your SO is not the way to learn how to communicate with them. I would think that's fairly obvious.

[lattes]

re: not telling him you had an emotional affair...

 

I have always found that the only real reason to tell someone about something like that is so that YOU feel better about it.

 

Other than something like STD or pregnancy or whatever, if you are truly sure that you are not going there again, and you are resolved to changing, there is no need to tell your partner because it will hurt them and not help anything.

 

To start off with, just don't do anything you wouldn't tell your partner about with a clear mind and heart. (IE: not to hurt them)

 

Everyone makes mistakes, if you can learn from them without damaging your relationship I don't see the need to tell.

 

best of luck in love and life to all

d

[Mr. Lucky]

I wouldn't have a problem at all with my husband having my passwords to everything as I'm not trying to hide anything from him. Why do you need to keep your FB password a secret?

Daisy926, I didn't see where you answered this. What about your H's access to your FB account makes you uncomfortable ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ninja'sHusband]

I understand what you guys are saying and I did change it back to the password he knows.

 

I do want to say that I have posted about my relationship before. It is not as cut and dry as you think. Sure I take full blame for having an online emotional affair but I am not about to say I am fully to blame for our maritial problems. 2 people have to be part of a marriage not 1 doing everything.

 

I don't mean to sound defensive and I am not blaming my husband for my emotional affair at all.. I know this was wrong but I do feel it is not right to say just because 1 partner had an emotional affair the pity should go to the other partner.

 

When you give and give and then give more and have no emotional, financial or sexual support sometimes you just feel beaten down.

 

I have realized an emotional affair was not helping the situation (although I felt these emotions prior) I have cut it off and am looking at therapy, counselling etc. I do feel I am past the point but that does not mean I won't try to do all I can.

 

The reason I worded my question this way is because i do understand the responses. I just would like to add I have never shown any signs of emotional affair nor has it taken place on facebook.

 

He is snooping because I told him I am not happy, that I may have fallen out of love. This was 1 year after I have been telling him and him ignoring me until I got more serious.

 

Thanks for listening. Again I DO understand why you said what you did I just dont feel a partner should be forgiven for all wrongs, etc just because the other had an EA

What are these issues you speak of?

You only mentioned them as an afterthought in your opening post.

Have you told him about them in a direct way? (Ie not "wife code/hints")

 

In your first post you stated:

1) Your H suspects he's losing you and is snooping

2) You had an EA

3) You have issues

4) Your H is focusing on childish things

 

But your H is right isn't he? It is not childish to be paranoid when your W is involved with someone else.

 

He has a reason to snoop, I don't blame him at all. When your partner lies to you, you will do anything to figure out the truth because you cannot proceed through life basing actions on false information. It makes you crazy to not know the truth. He suspects, and is right, but has no proof. That is MADDENING.

 

If you getting involved with other people, not communicating your real issues (or the seriousness...like "I had an EA! I'm not happy!"). Right now I bet he's so preoccupied trying to figure out where land is, he's not focusing on what you want. How can he begin to help if he can't trust what you tell him?

 

I think you need to focus on you, and your level of honesty. Tell him what happened, then he won't need to search so much. Show him what he wants to know instead of hiding it. Facebook is the wrong place to look, what is the right place? If you volunteer it, it will break his heart yes, but at the same time he will be more likely to forgive and it will start to rebuild trust. If on the other hand he does figure out the *right* place to look...uh oh...you think things are bad now? =\ Don't be angry with him for "childishly" looking in the wrong place for something that is actually there, hiding somewhere else. Start being real and maybe you will regain a real relationship.

[lattes]

Just to add that if you don't want people to hurt their partners you should not advise them not to come clean... you should advise them not to cheat... is the cheating that hurts not the telling the truth!

 

Definitely the BEST advice on cheating, but in this case not valid because the person has already said they had an EA

[Ninja'sHusband]

re: not telling him you had an emotional affair...

 

I have always found that the only real reason to tell someone about something like that is so that YOU feel better about it.

 

Other than something like STD or pregnancy or whatever, if you are truly sure that you are not going there again, and you are resolved to changing, there is no need to tell your partner because it will hurt them and not help anything.

 

To start off with, just don't do anything you wouldn't tell your partner about with a clear mind and heart. (IE: not to hurt them)

 

Everyone makes mistakes, if you can learn from them without damaging your relationship I don't see the need to tell.

 

best of luck in love and life to all

d

 

This is HORRIBLE advice, especially when dealing with a hyper vigilant already suspicious husband... What happens when he finally finds proof? Don't underestimate human intelligence and drive... The lies will hurt even more than the affair. Much more. What could have been a heartfelt confession and plea for mercy is now going to be something completely different...especially when he comes to her now having proof and asks, "Honey has there been someone else?" "No dear I would never do that". "Well what the hell is this then?" (shows proof). How can trust survive after that? It won't. Your chances of surviving with an intact relationship just went down by like 90%.

 

 

Also she will never reconnect with him even if he never discovers the truth. He's already suspicious, she's disconnected obviously. She has not given him the chance to forgive her and love the person she really is, only the lie she presents. She can't feel like the relationship is real, because it's not.

[Turtles]

Daisy926, I didn't see where you answered this. What about your H's access to your FB account makes you uncomfortable ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

From reading the post I don't think that's the part that bothers her, but the fact that he is constantly checking on it - it's like keeping tabs on a straying 12-year old, and a grown woman does not like being treated like a child. Do you feel the need to check your wife's messages on a daily basis?

[Ninja'sHusband]

It doesn't bother me that my partner has my fb password, or my email password. It would bother me if she had an unhealthy obsession with checking it all the time, either out of mistrust or out of clinginess. Snooping on your SO is not the way to learn how to communicate with them. I would think that's fairly obvious.

Neither is lying and sneaking around. I never was obsessed with looking at my ex's FB account(didn't really ever bother)...until she got pregnant and didn't know who the father was. Then...guess where I found the full truth about what happened? Yup, Facebook, using her password. Do I regret obsessively snooping? Absolutely not, in fact I wished I had been MORE obsessive and found the truth faster. Then maybe the 3 months of counseling that went down the tubes might have meant a little more since we would have been dealing with the truth instead of a fabrication. A partner who has been betrayed needs to find the truth, and they can no longer take their partner's word at face value. They need to verify until they are sure that their partner is trustworthy. It will make or break a reconciliation attempt. If you prevent them from finding the truth their own way when you have already proven yourself to be a liar, forget reconciliation. You will live with a broken marriage or split. Healing won't happen. Transparency has to be part of marriage.

[Turtles]

Neither is lying and sneaking around. I never was obsessed with looking at my ex's FB account(didn't really ever bother)...until she got pregnant and didn't know who the father was. Then...guess where I found the full truth about what happened? Yup' date=' Facebook, using her password. Do I regret obsessively snooping? Absolutely not, in fact I wished I had been MORE obsessive and found the truth faster. Then maybe the 3 months of counseling that went down the tubes might have meant a little more since we would have been dealing with the truth instead of a fabrication. A partner who has been betrayed needs to find the truth, and they can no longer take their partner's word at face value. They need to verify until they are sure that their partner is trustworthy. It will make or break a reconciliation attempt. If you prevent them from finding the truth their own way when you have already proven yourself to be a liar, forget reconciliation. You will live with a broken marriage or split. Healing won't happen. Transparency has to be part of marriage.[/quote']

 

Different situation though, you're talking about reconciling after a betrayal. I think that's pretty understandable in that case.

[Ninja'sHusband]

From reading the post I don't think that's the part that bothers her, but the fact that he is constantly checking on it - it's like keeping tabs on a straying 12-year old, and a grown woman does not like being treated like a child. Do you feel the need to check your wife's messages on a daily basis?

 

Yup, when there's cheating the marriage turns into a parent child relationship. The WS is acting like a child, the BS is the parent. Relationships like that cannot last. The WS needs to restore trust by proving to be trustworthy or the BS has to give up and move on. Unfortunately though I think the snooping has to go on for a while while trust is either rebuilt and proven, or irrevocably destroyed by more lies and betrayal.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Different situation though, you're talking about reconciling after a betrayal. I think that's pretty understandable in that case.

But it's not different. She had an EA, he just hasn't found proof. His intuition has already told him what happened.

[BetheButterfly]

It doesn't bother me that my partner has my fb password, or my email password. It would bother me if she had an unhealthy obsession with checking it all the time, either out of mistrust or out of clinginess. Snooping on your SO is not the way to learn how to communicate with them. I would think that's fairly obvious.

 

Those are very good points.

[Turtles]

But it's not different. She had an EA' date=' he just hasn't found proof. His intuition has already told him what happened.[/quote']

 

If he has an "intuition" that there is a problem he needs to talk to his wife so that they can resolve it like 2 adults, because right now all he is doing is aggravating her.

 

BUT, I think the OP is right that this has nothing to do with the EA, simply because if he suspected cheating he would not be checking the facebook account that she volunteered the password for (duh, seriously?) - he would be wondering what accounts she is hiding. That's why to me this sounds more like clinginess than suspicion.