Spouse having your facebook password

[JamesM]

To answer your question with no hint regarding the rest....

 

I see no problem with a spouse having the password, nor do I see a problem with a spouse not having it.

 

However, I question why a spouse would keep the password private. My wife has mine and I hers. I rarely sign on as her and I doubt she does mine much either. I check her page once in awhile, and she checks mine whenever she is on.

 

I like that and love it when she likes or comments on something I posted. If she never did, then I would feel forgotten. She is my favorite friend.

 

Now....

 

since you had an EA by your own admission, then I think that you should want your H to have it. The fact that he is checking on you says he is interested in you, or he is suspicious of you.

 

I don't know what all your problems are, but I think that his lack of interest in solving your problems and his extra amount of interest in your business is what bothers you.

 

Have you discussed this with him? (You may have said).

[Ninja'sHusband]

If he has an "intuition" that there is a problem he needs to talk to his wife so that they can resolve it like 2 adults, because right now all he is doing is aggravating her.

 

BUT, I think the OP is right that this has nothing to do with the EA, simply because if he suspected cheating he would not be checking the facebook account that she volunteered the password for (duh, seriously?) - he would be wondering what accounts she is hiding. That's why to me this sounds more like clinginess than suspicion.

When someone is lying to you, you can't discuss with them. It's counter productive. I finally learned that...you have to find the truth for yourself.

 

According to her he only started checking after she said was not happy and may have fallen out of love. He clearly suspects, and is right! I wouldn't call him dumb at all for checking an account that she knows he has the p-word to. I did the same thing, my wife knew I had access. Boom, I found what I needed. She probably didn't know/remember that conversation I found was there at all. Was I stupid and needed a "duh, seriously?". No, I was bang on.

Edited January 23, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband

[Decorative]

He's probably obsessively checking because he knows something is wrong, and cannot figure out what it is.

 

People who have been betrayed tend to know something's wrong, even if they cannot identify it, and even if the person that betrayed them won't admit.

There are subtle shifts and changes that leave you unsettled. That's probably the position OP's spouse is in.

[Daisy926]

Thanks everyone. I did not write this post to have everyone tell me what a terrible person I am. I know I am acting like I should have pity but I feel most of you are responding without knowing or caring to know the facts.

 

Yes the EA was WRONG. No I do not think he suspects at all and I can sit and write a whole reasoning behind it but trust me right now he just knows I am not happy.

 

How can I be happy when for our whole relationship I have been a caregiver while he sits on his ass smokes weed, plays PS3 etc. I am not trying to make excuses but if I am to blame for an online EA playing PS3 online with people 10 hours a day could be considered similar.

 

We have issues I am not discounting that. I take FULL blame for my EA affair but telling him would not help. It is over and I am working on finding better ways to communicate.

 

My issue was not that he has the passoword or wants to check it. Yes I meant this to be a simple post (but understand there are more levels to it) but I was looking for the basic fundemental answer.

 

I was upset because he had it saved in his phone and went through it for HOURS. Rather than talk to me when he felt I wanted to leave he searched ok I was not mad at that I was mad that 2 months later it is still on his phone just like his personal facebook.

 

I am sure many of you won't understand and I look like the bad guy. If you read some of my other posts you may feel different. I have taken care of this man for 18 years and put up with a lot of ****. I am to the point where I feel I have sacrificed my one happiness and self for him. Yes that is part of marriage but not when it is 1 sided. Yes he scared to loose me but is it because of love or because he does not get to be cared for with no worries about being an adult.

 

Again I expect responses negative towards me and will admit this thread made me feel awful. At the same time without knowing everything I do not feel it is right to judge.

 

I also respect everyone's opinion and now this may make people fume but I am glad I had an EA affair. It made me face reality and realize I should not be depressed all the time and if I want happiness with my husband I need to face the fact that we have problems and we need to address them. I know the EA person cannot offer me that but this was not due to the EA this has been going on for years. If that was not the case the people who truely know me would not be asking why it has taken me this long to realize.

[Decorative]

Then tell him the truth and end your marriage.

 

It's okay to do that. It really is. It is much more honorable than lying to him.

 

And I know you don't think he knows anything. I would gently suggest, yes, he knows something is wrong, and he is looking through your Facebook to find clues.

 

Let him off the hook. Tell him. And then let him go. he's no happier feeling anxious about what's wrong with you and looking for clues than you are being married to him.

 

And yes, that's a judgment. But judgment isn't a bad thing. It isn't . Everybody judges. It's how you understand the world around you.

[tbf]

If you wish to save your marriage, the two of you should start talking honestly and from the heart to each other. This includes telling him about the EA so with full knowledge, he can choose to work on the marriage or choose to leave.

 

His burden is not being all in within the marriage. Your burden is cheating.

[Realist3]

Then change your password. End of story. My wife and I don't share FB passwords. My MOW is another story, but she is a bit on the jealous side.

[whichwayisup]

I will be honest I did have an emotional affair but he does not know of this.

 

I bet he knows more than you realize and he just doesn't trust you, he could be waiting for you to come clean. Seems like he's looking for evidence of your EA.

 

Tell him. He deserves to know the truth. Hiding it and lying about it is making him crazy and that's not fair to him.

[whichwayisup]

You need to come clean and tell him the truth. Own it and apologize. Then talk about the issues going on in the marriage, his lack of effort in communicating, being lazy, smoking dope, etc,,etc. Yes you chose to handle it by seeking attention from another man, selfish choice but it doesn't make you a bad person. People make mistakes and make selfish ones all the time - BUT, with that said, don't let him get away with sitting on his ass all day. FIGHT with him if need be. Get a reaction, something - SO you two can work through this, go to counseling together..Either he'll wake up and change/put more effort in or you two will divorce. One person can't do all the work in a marriage, it takes two and with continuous effort too!

[todreaminblue]

Sorry this is long - I wanted to add things that I know people will ask.

 

I have recently had some issues in my marriage where my husband feels he is loosing me. I am confused now as to if I am happy or still in love.

 

I will be honest I did have an emotional affair but he does not know of this. I know there are things to say about this but it doesn't technically have anything to do with my question here. (I am adding this to show he has never known about this and there has never been infidelity or a reason to question me) I think the main issue is I am not happy and he is finally concerned.

 

We have been together for 18 years married 4 and in our mid 30's no kids. There has never been a reason for mis trust AT ALL. For the last year I have tried to talk to him and he was not listening. When he finally realized I was possibly wanting out he has shown some interest (although that comes and goes). I know I sound harsh but I have my reasons and have posted before.

 

Well my issue was when he was scared he logged in my facebook (it was an easy password) and read every single thing on it. I have actually nothing to hide on facebook at all but it bothered me. I changed the password but eventually gave it to him. I found out initially as he asked me about something I posted seconds before.

 

I know this sounds childish but that was 2 months ago... Just now I went to charge his phone as he fell asleep on the couch. When I added the charger it woke the phone and what was up - my facebook account.

 

I am angry right now as we have so many issues and he is focusing on such childish things. I honestly don't care but feel if you have the need not just to know my password but be logged onto it on YOUR phone that is an issue.

 

I am all for being open and honest but not when the other person is not getting the serious issues we have in our marriage.

 

Just wondering what everyone's views are on this.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

I have recently had some issues in my marriage where my husband feels he is loosing me. I am confused now as to if I am happy or still in love.

 

I will be honest I did have an emotional affair but he does not know of this.

 

 

Your husband might not know the exact details of your affair but obviously the change in you was apparent enough to scare him into sensing something was wrong.If I had a husband him having my facebook account wouldnt honestly bother me, him being scared of the marriage breaking up would be more of a bother to me.I wouldnt want my husband to feel that way .....you dont either obviously.Why havent you come clean about the emotional affair?I feel fi you really want your relationship to improve you will need to sort through the ugly to get back the beautiful..it seems he might have a right to feel insecure....deb

[Realist3]

You don't need to fess up abot the EA. It will do no good whatsoever.

[Daisy926]

I understand some of you feel it's best to come clean. That is the worst thing to do with my husband - trust me.

 

It is over and I am not pursuing and it did not go far - I know for some that may not be good enough but telling him in my opinion would only make me feel better not him.

 

He is concerned because I have complained, cried, screamed and yelled for over a year. Problem is he has not paid any attention and was actually quite rude. Only when I said I feel I am done and cannot take this anymore and have actually thought of moving back home did he start to listen. All he worried about was if I had talked to my friends/family about it to which I said yes I have. (He has issues with people knowing our business) THAT is what made him go to my facebook. He found nothing but 1 message out of over 50 where I said to my friend I can't imagine my life without him but I may have to start if he doesn't pick up the slack.

 

We talked about it and for about 2 days he acting wonderful.. Now he wants to try but thinks its all about telling me he loves me. Still not stepping up and quickly going back to his ways.

 

Again not trying to defend my EA but it has pushed me to do SOMETHING rather than sit back and be complacent. I don't want to wake up in 10 years miserable in debt working my ass off.

 

I am working on ME but also going to try marriage counselling which he said he would not to go until I threatened to leave.

 

Yes I am sure there is the slight possibility he could think of maybe an EA but honestly he is concerned because I started to put my foot down and stop just crying and nagging is all it is.

 

I do love him and would never hurt him to tell about EA. A physical for sure although I cannot imagine ever doing that. Yes I do think there is sometimes when you should confess an EA affair - my situation right now I do not feel it is the best to do so. I am starting IC with a counsellor who does MC as well as he said he would try. I was going to IC but I felt I did need someone who deals with marriage therapy so I am changing. Mind you though that IC said it would not be best to tell him of the EA.

 

Thanks again. I just wanted to provide some insight but I do understand where most of you are coming from.

[todreaminblue]

I understand some of you feel it's best to come clean. That is the worst thing to do with my husband - trust me.

 

It is over and I am not pursuing and it did not go far - I know for some that may not be good enough but telling him in my opinion would only make me feel better not him.

 

He is concerned because I have complained, cried, screamed and yelled for over a year. Problem is he has not paid any attention and was actually quite rude. Only when I said I feel I am done and cannot take this anymore and have actually thought of moving back home did he start to listen. All he worried about was if I had talked to my friends/family about it to which I said yes I have. (He has issues with people knowing our business) THAT is what made him go to my facebook. He found nothing but 1 message out of over 50 where I said to my friend I can't imagine my life without him but I may have to start if he doesn't pick up the slack.

 

We talked about it and for about 2 days he acting wonderful.. Now he wants to try but thinks its all about telling me he loves me. Still not stepping up and quickly going back to his ways.

 

Again not trying to defend my EA but it has pushed me to do SOMETHING rather than sit back and be complacent. I don't want to wake up in 10 years miserable in debt working my ass off.

 

I am working on ME but also going to try marriage counselling which he said he would not to go until I threatened to leave.

 

Yes I am sure there is the slight possibility he could think of maybe an EA but honestly he is concerned because I started to put my foot down and stop just crying and nagging is all it is.

 

I do love him and would never hurt him to tell about EA. A physical for sure although I cannot imagine ever doing that. Yes I do think there is sometimes when you should confess an EA affair - my situation right now I do not feel it is the best to do so. I am starting IC with a counsellor who does MC as well as he said he would try. I was going to IC but I felt I did need someone who deals with marriage therapy so I am changing. Mind you though that IC said it would not be best to tell him of the EA.

 

Thanks again. I just wanted to provide some insight but I do understand where most of you are coming from.

 

 

 

Is he doing counselling with you too?, in any therapy session I have had its always been about honesty, so i didnt mean to put it on you...i have never had a therapist say to me no dont tell, to me that seems sort of childish, but maybe thats because i hide myself, i deal with situations that are really hard so as not to put pressure on others or bring others down,which apparently is me beign a child, and i go nuts trying to deal with situations that are out of my control......so done a lot of therapy about honesty and trust..........so i am projecting that on to you...Have you talked about joint therapy? How is he going back to his old ways?....deb

[Daisy926]

Geez, if I wasn't already depressed enough than this thread just made it worse.

 

Look I didn't mean it the way it came out about the EA being a good thing, I was trying to make a point. I also don't mean for it to come across as me me me.

 

You do not know me or my situation. I cannot answer why I have stayed all this long. This relationship started at 16 years old. None of my family or friends said he was good for me. I have worked my ass off for everything and YES for many many years (the majority) he did sit around while I was the only one working. He has maybe had a steady job for 4 out of 18 years in total not all at once. He is rude, will not go with me to family functions, takes me for granted, the list goes on.

 

Why have I stayed - I don't know. I know he loves me and I feel responsible for him. I am sick over the way I feel and realize posting this thread was a terrible mistake.

 

I am FAR FAR FAR from perfect. I am just realizing now at 34 that I have a lot more to offer and feel the relationship is bringing me down. Yes it may sound messed up but I have been the one trying for YEARS. Sure I take ALL of the blame for being an enabler. While I was busting my ass getting a college degree, a mortgage for our house, etc he with not even high school degree did nothing.

 

Now I feel like the worst person for wanting out now when I should have left a long time ago. I feel I will be ruining his life and YES maybe I am just thinking of me but the problem with that is the guilt I feel will make me stay. Do you know the hell it feels to not be able to face my feelings? Yes may sound as simple to you - get a divorce well it is not for me. It is making me sick. This I feel is an issue I need to work out in therapy.

 

He says he can't imagine not being with me and I am not sure I would have the heart to go. I want to try counselling to see if it is even possible to repair but I know I have ALOT to work on myself.

 

I never claimed to be perfect and I know this will probably stir up even more negative remarks my way. I would appreciate it if people would try not to be so mean as if you only knew my state of depression and the type pf person I am I do not think it is fair. I am a mess inside.

 

This was a stupid thing to post. I was upset when I saw it on his phone but to make me feel like such a monster I do not think is fair.

 

I have the strength to write what I am saying is the people who know the situation even his own family tell me I need to focus on myself. That the problem is I have always put him first.

 

As far as the therapist saying not to tell... He did say usually it is best to be honest but as we talked about it and he saw that this was not as serious as some of you are making it is in MY HUSBANDS best interest not to know.

 

I do not think my husband would ever hurt me physically but to the people who preach to tell tell tell I think some ought to take a step back and really think is it always the best thing to do? I agree honesty is always the best BUT when you do not have BASIC communication skills with your spouse I disagree that this is the place to start.

 

I don't mean to sound nasty but I really feel that you do not know me to say these things. I am THE LEAST selfish person you would ever meet.

 

So yes no matter what I have done and sacrificed for this man I will take the fact that because I spoke to someone over 1000 miles away on the internet and realized it needed to stop that still makes me self centered and a bad person.

 

If I wanted to give up on my marriage I suppose I would be gone by now. I am living in hell right now with my thoughts and am making steps to work on it - one of the things was coming on here where I have read a lot and have gotten wonderful advice. I am not sure if this thread just came off wrong or what. Just please I do not need to know that aside from ruining his whole life I am some sort of monster now.

 

My point being I just think it was wrong in the sense of not just being able to go in as he pleases but to actually have it on his phone in real time was my issue. If I want to go deeper sure - the fact that THAT is more important than caring to know how much money is in our bank account or how me filing for a mortgage modification or how I may get laid off from my job and how I sleep all the time and feel I am having a nervous breakdown with all the stress of trying to keep US afloat. Yes that does have a lot if I's in it but I don't think one person should be the only one worrying about this stuff in a marriage.

 

There is so much more I haven't even said here. My point is before you point fingers at someone who has always been physically faithful and for 18 years been emotionally faithful with 1 slip up please try to think about what you say and how your words are affecting that person. Sure maybe I am sounding selfish but right about now I feel just about as bad as I have ever felt.

[stillafool]

I am FAR FAR FAR from perfect. I am just realizing now at 34 that I have

a lot more to offer and feel the relationship is bringing me down. Yes it may

sound messed up but I have been the one trying for YEARS. Sure I take ALL of

the blame for being an enabler. While I was busting my ass getting a college

degree, a mortgage for our house, etc he with not even high school degree did

nothing.

 

It is my experience that people who claim they do not want to tell their spouse the truth about their cheating because it will hurt the spouse are really saying "I don't want to tell them that I have been unfaithful because I am afraid of the repercussions of my cheating." In otherwords because they are cowards. You still feel like your marriage is bringing you down and therefore may cheat again.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Maybe you SHOULD just divorce if all you can do is get angry that he is snooping and might find proof of your EA that he already suspects. You are doing comparatively more damage by continuing to hide something he practically already knows about, "trust me". I'm a BS.

 

You can't change his behavior, if the way he is acting is a deal breaker then maybe you should break your vows to him and leave instead of working things out.

 

If on the other hand you really do love him for who he is and want to fix the M, there are some very seriously needed things:

 

1) Full honesty about what happened

2) Complete willing transparency

3) No contact with the AP (you've done this one it sounds like)

4) A sincere apology and expression of remorse, legitimizing his pain.

5) Commitment to never do it again

[WhatASituation]

Well speaking as a BS, I had to hack into my WW's FB account and boy what a discovery I had! After suspecting things for a while, I had to go CIA on her. Trust me, your H feels like something is wrong and is, perhaps not eloquently, going CIA on you. If you are not in love with him, consider MC. If that doesn't help, consider divorce then. Why go on like this anymore?

[Daisy926]

Thanks all. The reason I don't want to tell is to not crush him. It is over and I really see no good it will do. Maybe I will feel differently after IC but right now it is not an option for me at this minute.

 

Maybe when we learn to communicate it will be different. You do not have to agree with me but that is not what I was asking.

 

I will say and NOT that it matters but my facebook is clean as a whistle. There is absolutely NOTHING on there pertaining to the EA. There is nothing anywhere as a matter of fact as I have deleted the emails, etc.

[Decorative]

Thanks all. The reason I don't want to tell is to not crush him. It is over and I really see no good it will do. Maybe I will feel differently after IC but right now it is not an option for me at this minute.

 

Maybe when we learn to communicate it will be different. You do not have to agree with me but that is not what I was asking.

 

I will say and NOT that it matters but my facebook is clean as a whistle. There is absolutely NOTHING on there pertaining to the EA. There is nothing anywhere as a matter of fact as I have deleted the emails, etc.

 

It does matter. You have worked even harder to actively deceive him.

 

He knows something is wrong. He knows it. He's even on the right trail of where to look.

 

If you actually want to save your marriage- you'll tell him. You cannot build a foundation on a lie.

 

And if you don't want to- tell him then, too. So he can let you go without wondering what the heck happened.

 

Truth. It's the way to peace.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Thanks all. The reason I don't want to tell is to not crush him. It is over and I really see no good it will do. Maybe I will feel differently after IC but right now it is not an option for me at this minute.

 

Maybe when we learn to communicate it will be different. You do not have to agree with me but that is not what I was asking.

 

I will say and NOT that it matters but my facebook is clean as a whistle. There is absolutely NOTHING on there pertaining to the EA. There is nothing anywhere as a matter of fact as I have deleted the emails, etc.

He's already crushed, and your continued deception is only making it worse. What you are avoiding is YOU being crushed by having consequences. He'll find something eventually, he's on the path. You underestimate him. It took me 4 months but I found the truth. all of it. It would have been so much better if she had just been honest.

 

Your OP was about whether you should be concerned about him snooping and if it's wrong for him to do so. This is all related. No it's not wrong what he's doing, he needs the truth and is desperate to find it. YOu are actively battling him and denying him what he needs to find sanity.

[Turtles]

Thanks all. The reason I don't want to tell is to not crush him. It is over and I really see no good it will do. Maybe I will feel differently after IC but right now it is not an option for me at this minute.

 

Maybe when we learn to communicate it will be different. You do not have to agree with me but that is not what I was asking.

 

I will say and NOT that it matters but my facebook is clean as a whistle. There is absolutely NOTHING on there pertaining to the EA. There is nothing anywhere as a matter of fact as I have deleted the emails, etc.

 

Hopefully you can get to a point where you can communicate properly and tell him about it without having him freak out and blow things out of proportions. I honestly don't see what good it would do while he's already acting like an insecure little bitch. On the other hand, maybe a good kick in the nuts is what he needs to wake up, so maybe that's a good reason to tell him!?

[underwater2010]

If you have nothing to hide then why get upset? Are you afraid that he might find something relating to your inappropriate behavior?

 

You might not realize it but you set his bullcrap detector off somehow. Now he is digging. I hope he never figures out what you were up to. FYI that was how I busted my husband...he left his facebook open and it contained messages to the MOW and the rest of the info followed through my digging.

 

I suggest that you take this chance to realize that if he did not care, he would not be looking.

 

As far as the passwords between spouses....he has always known mine. I have asked him to log into my facebook and email accounts for information. But then again, I have nothing to hide. And now neither does he. By the way, please don't lock your cell phone either...that is a dead give away to something going on.

[Leigh 87]

I have the password to my partners facebook and emails.

 

I read two words of your opening statement: emotional affair

 

 

 

.......

 

 

You did something wrong, and if you want to get his trust back, you need full transparancy.

 

You cannot be trusted at this stage, and if you want to proove to him that you would do anything for him to give you another chance, you need to give him your password.

 

It is not a normal situation. Normally, your privacy is paramount. However, you lose that right once you betray someone that loves you.

 

After what you did to him, he simply has a right to see what who your talking to occasionally.

 

My partner had a problem of talking dirty to girls online. He promised it had nothing to do with his love for me, that it meant nothing, and that he would never do it again, and happily give me his passords.

 

It is the least he could do. I should have left him, but he begged for another chance.

[cheerfuldoer]

I understand what you're saying in the original post.

 

It's an invasion of privacy. I changed my FB password because my husband had it, yet everything of his is on lockdown. I once needed to get into his computer for something so I sent a text asking for password and he said he would get what I needed for me when I got home. There is nothing interesting on my Facebook but its the principal to me.

 

It sounds like your husband can't believe you are unhappy, and maybe he can't accept it so he's looking for an external reason for you to be unhappy in your marriage.

[cheerfuldoer]

I agree and understand what you mean I guess I am just upset that now that I am finally trying to better myself and do things for me he is scared to loose me he is doing this without my knowledge.

 

There are so many issues it is hard to explain in 1 post but basically I have been raising a man child and I am sick of it. After complaining forever he is showing an interest but only in the childish stuff. Hard to explain but thanks

 

Wow, the man child reference jumped out at me, my husband is the same way.

 

Does your husband show a lack of accountability for his actions? Is everything never his fault, does he have an excuse for everything (usually somehow your fault).

 

He is keeping tabs on you because he is insecure. It's frustrating because you've done nothing to make him treat you that way. I'm sorry your going through this!