Spouse having your facebook password

[cheerfuldoer]

Daisy,

 

I'm sorry you feel beat down. I'm sorry you feel like you're being judged harshly.

 

I've posted and been judged harshly too. I figure, whatever, it's people who don't know me or my situation. I feel like interpersonal relationships are so intimate and personal it's hard to get advice online. Everyone is reading your post through their relationship eyes. Some have been cheated on, some have cheated on their spouse, some are happily married, some have survived separations and are happy again. Some folks like me, are in the of a separation/divorce.

 

My advice to you is to take what you can and leave the rest.

 

Your post was about you, but that's why you posted. I personally saw nothing wrong with it.

 

It sounds like your life has a lot of uncertainty. You deserve a partner through all of this chaos, not someone who isn't going to acknowledge all the real external problems. Remember, you only live once and you have to make it the best life for you. If your husband isn't going to be your partner in life, I say explore with you counselor what is best for you.

[Daisy926]

Thanks to everyone. I appreciate the advice I don't want to hear as much as the advice that understand what I am saying I really do.

 

I wanted to say I do understand honesty is best I agree. My issue is we have never had ANY good communication so to start with this to me is not realistic.

 

As far as those who feel he knows. He does not know I can assure you that. I know it is hard to believe. He is basically the same as he always has been. Please understand I have cried and screamed told him I was going to therapy, was not happy, etc. When I finally said you know I am seriously considering moving back home is when he went searching for answers. Answers to all I have complained of for YEARS. Not working for 4 straight years while your wife works her butt off and pays all the bills, etc seems like 1 good reason, should I go on? He chose as well to NOT talk about anything.

 

I do not blame him for the EA, I was wrong but I wish you could understand our dynamic. I did not have this EA on facebook or any way in which he would know. Not that it matters but I was always travelling for work so nothing even done at home. I just feel that is secondary although I understand why I received some of the responses I have gotten.

 

I wrote this as I was upset one night when I noticed he had my facebook ON his phone. I knew he had the password. It was the real time that annoyed me. I changed my password then put it back and even mentioned it to him the next day. He can check my facebook ALL he wants. I have nothing to hide there. The EA is over and I am focusing on myself, my marriage and what is best for me right now. It honestly started as I have a friend who left a deadbeat husband and he said she was filling my head. and YES when he went on my facebook he read every message and found nothing but says oh it must be your friends filling your head. So I do not think it is suspicion of me but affraid I will get a backbone.

 

This is not something new. I have been in this relationship since I was 16 years old. I feel I have grown and when I look at what our future will be it scares me. I am depressed as why has it taken me this long. Scared that I resent him so much I cannot move forward. Worried I will stay for the wrong reasons. I do love him, I really do. I am scared I love him in an unhealthy way. These feelings did not start with the EA they have been with me off and on for years. I am getting older and I feel I am just at my breaking point.

 

Everyday is a tug of war in my head. I am trying to deal with this and seriously feel it is making me sick. I don't mean to discount those who feel I am to blame. I do not believe in cheating and never thought I would get involved in anything like that but it happens. I am not going to kick myself and feel awful. 2 wrongs don't make a right but I feel you really have no idea how my life is. It is lonely. It is stressful. I do not have a partner except when he is scared I will leave and yes I try to talk but agree I need to work on me as well. What I am scared of is never leaving for him and not for myself. I feel I am all he has and when I think of leaving all I worry about is what will he do..

 

I start new therapy next week and hoping it will help me cope. Aside from this my job is in termoil and things have just changed drastically in my life the last few months and yes EA included but I want to stress my uncertainty about the marriage has been around longer than all of this.

 

Thanks again I come here to try and gain some insight into what healthy relationships are and do appreciate all the feedback.

[Decorative]

I wish you well.

 

I hope you realize we do understand. We just don't agree with your decisions. And that is why you feel upset.

 

Hopefully therapy will bring you clarity.

[Daisy926]

I don't know what to say. You can feel how you want. I have been going to therapy and have been told along with others how I have to start caring for myself as I always worry and do things for others. I am trying to deal with co-dependency. I just feel you cannot automatically know about a person from a message board.

 

My feeling is different. I do love my husband but feel you are right I do not respect him. How can I with all that goes on. I have put up with a lot in all these years and now am at my breaking point.

- Quitting his job 2 weeks before our wedding then not working for 4.5 years

- Worrying about the bills and dealing with mortgage modification ALL on my own

 

Those are just 2 recent examples. I am no angel and need to work on myself and my faults as well. The difference is I am looking for help. I have pleaded to go to marriage counselling and to see a therapist. He on the other hand will ignore until I am ready to walk out the door in which case he wants work on it for a day or 2.

 

My life has been turmoil as all I can feel is I am resentful and falling out of love. Guess what I think of most? How can I do that to him? I don't think you realize the extent of what this is doing to me. If I say I will tell him about the EA does that make it better for you? I just feel there is so much more to this than that - I am sorry if you disagree.

 

I am not asking you to take my side but I wish you would at least understand some of what I say. I am feeling like he can talk nasty to me all day long, not work (have I mentioned he may have made maybe $25K in the 18 years we have been together?), not want to ever talk, complain about everything I may be interested in, smoke weed and play games BUT since I chatted with someone online for a little bit and called it an EA I am to blame no matter what.

 

Yes I am F***ed up - I get it but my deeper issue is all that I wrote above and then some. Why do I stay? because I worry about what he would do so please don't say all I think about is me. That is simply not the case whether you believe me or not. I am one of the least selfish people but am starting to learn I have to care about me!

[in_absentia]

I wouldn't want my partner having my password but nor would I refuse if they wanted it; both of my previous long term relationship partners had my password as I'd occasionally ask them to do something for me (like if they were at home and I posted something by mistake on my iPhone and couldn't delete it, I'd ask them to log in and sort it for me). I trusted them 100% not to go in and root through all of my messages, and as far as I know, they never did. I also had theirs, and I never used them.

 

The reason I wouldn't really want them to have it is because I'm a separate person from them and I talk to friends online about things they wouldn't necessarily want a partner of mine to know about, like deepest darkest secrets or really horrible emotions, they're sharing those things with me, not my partner, it would feel like I'd broken their trust a bit if we had a massive conversation about something serious, and I never mentioned to them that this would also be read by my partner.

 

I guess on balance I don't mind my partners knowing my password, but if I found out they'd used it to gain access and read through my messages etc. I'd have serious issues with that. I have nothing to hide when I'm in a relationship hence not minding if they DO have the password, but using it would be a serious breach of trust.

 

I guess ultimately it's better to just trust each other and stay out of each other's accounts, so not necessary to swap passwords.

[Decorative]

I don't know what to say. You can feel how you want. I have been going to therapy and have been told along with others how I have to start caring for myself as I always worry and do things for others. I am trying to deal with co-dependency. I just feel you cannot automatically know about a person from a message board.

 

My feeling is different. I do love my husband but feel you are right I do not respect him. How can I with all that goes on. I have put up with a lot in all these years and now am at my breaking point.

- Quitting his job 2 weeks before our wedding then not working for 4.5 years

- Worrying about the bills and dealing with mortgage modification ALL on my own

 

Those are just 2 recent examples. I am no angel and need to work on myself and my faults as well. The difference is I am looking for help. I have pleaded to go to marriage counselling and to see a therapist. He on the other hand will ignore until I am ready to walk out the door in which case he wants work on it for a day or 2.

 

My life has been turmoil as all I can feel is I am resentful and falling out of love. Guess what I think of most? How can I do that to him? I don't think you realize the extent of what this is doing to me. If I say I will tell him about the EA does that make it better for you? I just feel there is so much more to this than that - I am sorry if you disagree.

 

I am not asking you to take my side but I wish you would at least understand some of what I say. I am feeling like he can talk nasty to me all day long, not work (have I mentioned he may have made maybe $25K in the 18 years we have been together?), not want to ever talk, complain about everything I may be interested in, smoke weed and play games BUT since I chatted with someone online for a little bit and called it an EA I am to blame no matter what.

 

Yes I am F***ed up - I get it but my deeper issue is all that I wrote above and then some. Why do I stay? because I worry about what he would do so please don't say all I think about is me. That is simply not the case whether you believe me or not. I am one of the least selfish people but am starting to learn I have to care about me!

 

You are not one of the least selfish people.

 

I hope therapy shows you that. Actions are what count in this world, not words. And although you may view yourself as not selfish, your actions show otherwise

 

Look- people are not picking on you here. We have only what you say here to guide our reactions. What you have described, and your language- shows a huge amount of self centeredness in your relationship with your spouse. You might be Mother Theresa in every other relationship - but we are seeing this description of this relationship.

 

Good luck with therapy. I hope your find clarity, and see that no one here is persecuting you or picking on you. At all.

[zuzzers]

I see your point. You told him you are unhappy and instead of discussing the situation with you, he starts going through your facebook account. You are NOT JUSTIFYING your emotional affair. I think you saw that you were headed a down bad path with the affair so you reached out to your husband hoping he would engage you and discuss the issues.

 

A lot of times, us guys, don't want to deal with all that relationship stuff, expecially if we are being approached as the ones "screwing up".

 

YOU will need to start the converstion with himj! I am not saying to tell him about the affair. I would suggest you play it by ear and figure out what you should do. But, YES you need to get the two of you talking.

 

If you really want it to work, you must do it in way that does not suggest that he is inadequate or really messing up. It must be a "teamwork" approach where you two discuss what will work best for the both of you.

 

You may not get him to talk or the discussion may not work. You may need to go to counselling with him. So in my humble opiniion you need to

do one of two things.

 

1. start talking with him in a supportive way

2. go to counselling with him.

 

I hope it works out.

[zuzzers]

Oh Facebook and other passwords. You BOTH should have no problem know ALL of eachothers' passwords.

[tattoo]

Daisy, I am not going to attack you.

I am glad you are going to counselling.

 

I agree that a marriage is a RELATIONSHIP and it takes TWO people. I know the EA was not right (I had a very involved EA). I was mad and resentful and angry and felt I had talked to husband etc, and no progress, response, was made, so I had an EA.

 

nothing makes that okay. But I also agree that playing PS3 with 10 other people does not make a marriage. at all.

 

People need to recognize that BAD ACTIONS are all BAD ACTIONS. Affairs are crap, but so is indifference or uninvolvement in a marriage.

 

We tend to grade our relationship sins on a scale.

 

Well, I was mad at my spouse, so I put a triple dose of ex-lax in his coffee and oatmeal for a whole week till he started bleeding out of his bum! (I've never done this, it's just an example of how ludicrousness)

 

People would be horrified by this, but if you say you've cheated, it is MUCH WORSE. They are BOTH bad.

 

If you kill someone by strangulation, is this any worse than if you had nicked them nightly with a razor blade til they finally bled out?

Both are awful.

 

 

My view now, after my 41 years on this earth is this:

 

If your behaviour, no matter WHAT it is (snapping, putting ex-lax in their food, cheating), does not SERVE the relationship positively, it is a cause of grievance in a relationship.

 

EAs suck. But so does having a person that would rather play on a gameboy for hours.

 

Both people are at fault. I think Daisy has acknowledged her wrong doing.

 

Has her husband done the same?

 

If not.... call it quits.

[subliminal]

 

Make him never want to look at your FB.

 

When you see him next time put your arms around his waist and kiss him deeply. Don't think of anything but his lips. Continue until shoulders drop and repeat.

 

Don't dwell on the past, you can't change it, but you CAN influence the future.

 

Good luck.

 

i totally agree, im sure he isnt a saint but id open up completely if thats what will comfort him. he may not be an insecure person but your actions may have triggered insecurities? (if he knew about your ea im pretty sure he'd be even worse) . id offer to trade phones with him for a night and let him feel as though he can look through your phone whenever, just make sure he will do the same. dont get mad when he does, but when he doesnt find anything he will lose interest and begin to trust you. it should be your idea. you both need to trust each other and you both need to sit down and figure out how to help the other person feel more comfortable, it will take some effort on both sides!

[todreaminblue]

Insecurity causes issues in a relationship, i would have no problem in a partner accessing my facebook or my phone, insecurity then would never rear its destructive head....deb

[subliminal]

Insecurity causes issues in a relationship, i would have no problem in a partner accessing my facebook or my phone, insecurity then would never rear its destructive head....deb

 

totally! the cliche "where theres a will theres a way" comes to mind. if you feel the relationship is worth working on, you will do whatever it takes to keep it. the problem of resentment may arise but thats when you have to effectively communicate your needs to each other. nobody's perfect, but as long as you both try to please respect each other and be mindful of each others needs you will be fine. just do whatever it takes to be comfortable. if you have nothing to hide, then theres no reason to worry. you dont have to walk on egg shells, just the fact of actually wanting to please each other should be enough. i know im simple and simply want to know i make my fiance happy and thats a mutual agreement with us! as dr. phill says you can either be right, or be happy!

[todreaminblue]

totally! the cliche "where theres a will theres a way" comes to mind. if you feel the relationship is worth working on, you will do whatever it takes to keep it. the problem of resentment may arise but thats when you have to effectively communicate your needs to each other. nobody's perfect, but as long as you both try to please respect each other and be mindful of each others needs you will be fine. just do whatever it takes to be comfortable. if you have nothing to hide, then theres no reason to worry. you dont have to walk on egg shells, just the fact of actually wanting to please each other should be enough. i know im simple and simply want to know i make my fiance happy and thats a mutual agreement with us! as dr. phill says you can either be right, or be happy!

 

 

I love technology always have,but technology has made it easier to conceal deceit and that includes in relationships, silent phones, opposed to corded phones that once were in the lounge room, it used to be that your partner would know when you were talking to someone, i hear people screaming invasion of privacy.....in a relationship.....and i have to ask why is it invasion against someone you love and want to be with, who is supposed to know your secrets and wishes and desires, what you like what you dont like,who your friends are and who are not your friends, why the separateness, bit sad really.......

 

 

 

the only time i was secretive with a partner was when i was doing something wrong,that happened twice in fifteen years,or somebody had done something wrong to me that happened a fair bit, and i eventually came clean anyway, resentment is fleeting insecurities build into impossible walls....as i said ....invasion of privacy is often enforced to some people who want to have secrets....i do understand people have different desires in a relationship though and not everybody feels the same way, privacy to me is when you want to keep strangers from knowing you, not the people you love as far as technology goes....deb

[subliminal]

I love technology always have,but technology has made it easier to conceal deceit and that includes in relationships, silent phones, opposed to corded phones that once were in the lounge room, it used to be that your partner would know when you were talking to someone, i hear people screaming invasion of privacy.....in a relationship.....and i have to ask why is it invasion against someone you love and want to be with, who is supposed to know your secrets and wishes and desires, what you like what you dont like,who your friends are and who are not your friends, why the separateness, bit sad really.......

 

 

 

the only time i was secretive with a partner was when i was doing something wrong,that happened twice in fifteen years,or somebody had done something wrong to me that happened a fair bit, and i eventually came clean anyway, resentment is fleeting insecurities build into impossible walls....as i said ....invasion of privacy is often enforced to some people who want to have secrets....i do understand people have different desires in a relationship though and not everybody feels the same way, privacy to me is when you want to keep strangers from knowing you, not the people you love as far as technology goes....deb

 

 

well said! i have been there, i had a relatinship where my gf was cheating on me with people on fb when i worked out of state all week. she had guys over and i was tipped off by a neighbor. i began noticing passwords on her phone and being very protective over it. (i was paying for it mind you) so i decided that i wanted to catch her. i put a keylogger on the computer got her fb pw and email pw's and found alot of things she typed about how much she hated me and couldnt wait to get away. long story short i confronted her and she still tried to lie and flip it on me that i was the psycho invading her privacy. i will say i may have gone a little far but i found proof and my neighbor backed it up with pictures and videos of them kissing as he walked out the door. i didnt need to check u on her as my neighbors had my back but the way she acted to me was completely different than how she acted to me when i wasnt around. i had a hunch by the way she was very secretive and the one time i asked to use her phone because mine was dead she wouldnt tell me the pw. that right there gave me just cause to be suspicious, even before my neighbr tipped me off. bottom line, if he has a gut feeling hes right... and by what you said, he is!!!

[Try]

I am not asking you to take my side but I wish you would at least understand some of what I say. I am feeling like he can talk nasty to me all day long, not work (have I mentioned he may have made maybe $25K in the 18 years we have been together?), not want to ever talk, complain about everything I may be interested in, smoke weed and play games BUT since I chatted with someone online for a little bit and called it an EA I am to blame no matter what.

You appear to have good reason to be unhappy in your marriage. No one would blame you for leaving him based on what you have said. If you want to leave him, then you should do so. If you want to stay, then you need to determine what you want of him, and then communicate this to him. Agree on firm boundaries (such as getting a job) and then hold him to it. Divorce takes time, so you can change your mind; you may want to begin the process now so that he knows that you mean business.

 

As for your emotional affair (EA), the damage to a marriage of an EA does not end when the EA ends. EAs put an emotional distance between you and your spouse that does not automatically end when the EA ends. If you decide to stay in the marriage, you need to address and correct this issue.

[Yellowteacup]

As to the OP's original thtread title, there would be no way I would let my spouse or anyone know my passwords to any social media, emails, or even my phone nor would I want theirs.