What do I do cheated on husband?

[Cheekycheza]

Hi, sorry I am new to this forum so forgive me if I do anything wrong, basically I am married for just 5 months and have cheated. Here is my story...

 

I am 30 years old and back when I was 21 I met this guy who I fell for big time, anyway we went on a few dates, we never got in a serious relationship but saw each other practically every weekend and slept together. This went on for about 2 years, anyway eventually I met someone and had a relationship with somebody else which lasted a good few years. I didn't have much contact with the guy call him kt. Until the last few months of this relationship where kt and I got talking again, anyway one thing led to another I ended up cheating on bf at the time and sleeping with kt. He told me that he had always loved me and that we should be together. I said I couldn't just jump out of one relationship into another, time past he ended up with someone and had a child in the meantime I had split up from bf at the time and eventually got with the guy who is now my husband. I have been with my husband now for 4 years we have a 3 year old child and have had a lot of ups and downs, he cheated on me early on, I forgave him, he went bankrupt, I stood by him, I treat his other son from a previous relationship like my own but get treated like ****. Apart from this I decided I would marry him, through our engagement kt came back on the scene again telling me he loved me and wished we could be together, I said no I am gonna get married and make it work. We have been in contact for a year now and in December last year I went to meet him, all the old feelings came flooding back, we kissed nothing more but it felt so good to be in his arms again. We decided to try and ignore our love for each other (sounds stupid) I know, and just to have an affair, we finally slept together last week which was amazing but left me confused as it did him. We decided because of our strong feelings for each other and the fact I am married to stop it now before it got even further out of hand.. I am so racked with guilt for my husband, I don't know what to do for the best. My husband and I don't have a great relationship at the moment and I know deep down I love kt not my husband, but I can't bring myself to leave because of our little boy.. I have broken contact with kt for just two days and its killing me.. I don't know what to do? This has been going on for nearly 10 years now!

 

Some may say I'm selfish but I just want to be happy. I have always loved kt, but we have always missed the moments to actually get together. He says he wants to be with me but doesn't want to be the cause of my marriage break up. He has a gf at the moment, they have only been together a short time maybe 3 months.

 

Help me please as I'm at my wits end as to what to do xxx

[Cheekycheza]

Firstly I don't just care about my self, I care about my family, secondly I am not a serial cheater! I have done it once to my husband and thirdly I have not been in a relationship with the other guy for a year! If you read it it clearly says nothing happened til just before Christmas, and it has been stopped now.

If I would have wanted such nasty criticism I would have asked for it, what I wanted was advice on how I should be coping with all this and why after so many years this guy keeps popping up in my life and should I act on it to be happy or stay in a marriage that makes me so unhappy.

 

And before you pass judgment on somebody think about why they maybe doing this! Sometimes you have to stay in a marriage for the sake of others, it doesn't always mean the marriage is right and how you are being treated by said husband! So please go vent your anger on someone else.

[Bryanp]

You need to be honest with your husband of 5 months so he can have a say on whether he wishes to continue the marriage. How would be feeling the roles had been reversed? You need to get tested for STD's. I hate to be harsh but why didn't your wedding vows 5 months earlier mean anything to you?

[Cheekycheza]

There is never a reason for cheating! NEVER! so please do not try to justify it.

 

Secondly even when you have only physical affair before Christmas you were already in a Emotional Affair with this other guy since one year till now! don't minimize that!

After all what I read from your comments is that you are not remorseful... if you were remorseful you would make an appointment in a marriage counseling office and confess your affair to your husband and let him be part of the decision making! You are just thinking about your own and therefore you will only get critics here! Please don't play victim here... the victim is your husband!

 

Not once have I tried to justify this? I wasn't in any affair with this guy, we talked as friends before all this..

What would be the point in telling my husband about the affair? It would be the worse thing to do.. We have had marriage counselling, It's clearly not worked. We constantly argue. I am not playing the victim here sorry if it comes across that wayI just want some advise that is not over critical of me. I don't want anyone telling me it's right, I know it's wrong and I know it should never happened. I just want advise from someone that has been in this position before and what to do for the best? Kt and me have cut all contact, deleted numbers blocked each other.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I love my husband as a friend, I thought I loved kt but maybe that is just lust I don't know, I just don't get how our paths keep crossing and the feelings are always there..

[Cheekycheza]

You need to be honest with your husband of 5 months so he can have a say on whether he wishes to continue the marriage. How would be feeling the roles had been reversed? You need to get tested for STD's. I hate to be harsh but why didn't your wedding vows 5 months earlier mean anything to you?

 

I slept with the guy once and used protection, I don't need testing.

My vows did mean something to me. This guy just told me his feelings again only last month and has sent my head into a mess. I thought I was doing the right thing marrying my h. Maybe I jumped on the band wagon I don't know..

 

You said how would I feel if the roles had been reversed, well I have been there my h did cheat on me and got someone else pregnant and gave me a std! I forgave him totally.

[Bryanp]

Are you saying that your current h did cheat on you and got someone else pregnant and gave you an std and you forgave him totally.

If this is the case then you do not own your husband anything. I think you should divorce him. Good luck.

[Chi townD]

Not once have I tried to justify this? I wasn't in any affair with this guy, we talked as friends before all this..

What would be the point in telling my husband about the affair? It would be the worse thing to do.. We have had marriage counselling, It's clearly not worked. We constantly argue. I am not playing the victim here sorry if it comes across that wayI just want some advise that is not over critical of me. I don't want anyone telling me it's right, I know it's wrong and I know it should never happened. I just want advise from someone that has been in this position before and what to do for the best? Kt and me have cut all contact, deleted numbers blocked each other.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I love my husband as a friend, I thought I loved kt but maybe that is just lust I don't know, I just don't get how our paths keep crossing and the feelings are always there..

 

You're here looking for someone to tell you it's okay to leave your marriage for your affair partner. You're coming to a site where the majority of us have been destroyed by the same kind of actions you did to your husband. So, you're stirring up a lot of buried emotions from a lot of people and bringing past painful memories to the surface.

 

And yes you HAVE tried to justify your actions. To refresh your memory. We fight all the time, our relationship hasn't been the best at the moment, You treat his son from a previous relationship as your own and you get treated like sh*t. We tried MC but it doesn't work.Those are excuse to to try and justify your behavior to ease your own guilt.

 

Well, of course you're not getting along with your husband right now! You cheated on him, it's easier to live with yourself and your behavior if your mad at him. If he came home everynight with a hug and kiss, the guilt will eat at you. If he sent you roses just because he thought you deserved them, the guilt would eat at you. So, subconiously, you pick fights with him. So, you can distance yourself from the guilt. If you didn't feel guilty about what you did. You wouldn't have posted here. Life would be awesome for you. You get to screw your affair partner and have the safety and security of the family and home.

 

And don't bank on a life of happiness with KT either. Stats have shown only 14% of relationships that start off from an affair actually make it for the long haul. So, you have to ask yourself, is a relationship with KT worth losing EVERYTHING for if the relationship is doom from the jump? You're in what's called an affair fog. That KT is your knight in shining armor, your Prince Charming. But, I'll tell you what, if being with you threatens for him to loses ANYTHING, then I speculate that he'll throw you under the bus in a New York minute. I've seen it soo many times in the past.

 

Digest on that for a little while.

[KraftDinner]

Are you saying that your current h did cheat on you and got someone else pregnant and gave you an std and you forgave him totally.

If this is the case then you do not own your husband anything. I think you should divorce him. Good luck.

 

What he did was terrible, and I agree - you don't owe him ANYTHING. Only a scumbag cheats without protection and brings an std back to their partner...and getting her pregnant. What a dick. I can totally get why your head maybe wasn't in the right place.

 

The problem is, cheating hurts YOU, not just him. Now you're confused and upset. If he was a loyal, good husband, I'd say you should tell him. But he's a bastard. Screw him. But - don't waste your life with such a waste of skin. DIVORCE!

 

Btw, people on this board are very black and white when it comes to cheating. The guy could have beaten your kids and burned your house down and you'd still get flayed here for even kissing someone else. Just a warning.

 

Good luck.

[Chi townD]

You said how would I feel if the roles had been reversed, well I have been there my h did cheat on me and got someone else pregnant and gave me a std! I forgave him totally.

 

But, were the two of you married at the time?

[stillafool]

I slept with the guy once and used protection, I don't need testing.

My vows did mean something to me. This guy just told me his feelings again only last month and has sent my head into a mess. I thought I was doing the right thing marrying my h. Maybe I jumped on the band wagon I don't know..

 

You said how would I feel if the roles had been reversed, well I have been there my h did cheat on me and got someone else pregnant and gave me a std! I forgave him totally.

 

But your husband cheated on you before you two got married, right? So you must have forgiven him and decided you wanted to marry him. Now it is only been 5 months since you married and you don't know if you are even in love with your husband anymore or this other guy. Of course you should tell your husband what you have done and how you feel. You are living a lie.

[Cheekycheza]

But, were the two of you married at the time?

 

Why does it matter if we were married or not? He still did it.

[Cheekycheza]

What he did was terrible, and I agree - you don't owe him ANYTHING. Only a scumbag cheats without protection and brings an std back to their partner...and getting her pregnant. What a dick. I can totally get why your head maybe wasn't in the right place.

 

The problem is, cheating hurts YOU, not just him. Now you're confused and upset. If he was a loyal, good husband, I'd say you should tell him. But he's a bastard. Screw him. But - don't waste your life with such a waste of skin. DIVORCE!

 

Btw, people on this board are very black and white when it comes to cheating. The guy could have beaten your kids and burned your house down and you'd still get flayed here for even kissing someone else. Just a warning.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for the heads up, it's my first time on anything like this, I was just looking for advice really from anyone who may have understood how I was feeling. I know what I have done is wrong, I don't need people telling me that. I wanted to hear from people who had perhaps been in a similar situation. That is all. People can shout me down as much as they want, they don't know me and they can't see the bigger picture. I believe the best thing to do is end my marriage and be on my own for a while to get rid of this cloud that I am living in at the minute. That would be the best for everyone. .

[Cheekycheza]

it matters because you still married after it... so you actually accepted it happened and forgave him... lets call it a fresh start...you can't defend you had an affair because he had one in the past... what kind of sick relationship is that... two wrongs do not make a right you know?

 

Have I once said I did it because he did.........NO.. DO NOT talk to me like a child. Like I said I know I did wrong, I didn't ask for people like you to comment on my relationship, so if you could kindly do one, it would be much appreciated!

[DarrenK]

Firstly I don't just care about my self, I care about my family, secondly I am not a serial cheater! I have done it once to my husband and thirdly I have not been in a relationship with the other guy for a year! If you read it it clearly says nothing happened til just before Christmas, and it has been stopped now.

If I would have wanted such nasty criticism I would have asked for it, what I wanted was advice on how I should be coping with all this and why after so many years this guy keeps popping up in my life and should I act on it to be happy or stay in a marriage that makes me so unhappy.

 

And before you pass judgment on somebody think about why they maybe doing this! Sometimes you have to stay in a marriage for the sake of others, it doesn't always mean the marriage is right and how you are being treated by said husband! So please go vent your anger on someone else.

 

Seriously your not a serial cheater ???....yeah you kinda are you cheated with on your ex too with this kt guy ?so you say it wasn't physical so what if your texting ,talking,seeing him its still wrong hideing it! Tell your husband he has every right to know and he gets to decide what happend from that point !!I feel sorry for him your seriously should stay single or date KT because he seems to like you but your actually useing him is what it sounds like .

 

Goodluck finding a good guy your gunna need it with your disturbing history and selfish behavior

[Darren Steez]

...and they bit...

[nofool4u]

If I would have wanted such nasty criticism I would have asked for it

 

Then perhaps you should post this in the OM/OW section where you will get sympathy.

 

 

what I wanted was advice on how I should be coping with all this and why after so many years this guy keeps popping up in my life and should I act on it to be happy or stay in a marriage that makes me so unhappy.

 

Easy, you get a divorce and quit using your son as an excuse. Your H will end up paying you child support, and you can pursue kt.

 

As for why this guy keeps popping up here and there, maybe its because he knows he can have you all too easily.

 

But again, if you are unhappy in your marriage, and its obvious you never will be, then divorce your H.

 

And before you pass judgment on somebody think about why they maybe doing this!

 

Sorry, but we do not care for any justification for cheating. Either take ownership that you have cheated more than a few times in your years and own your behavior. Quit trying to blame someone else. Get out of your marriage and don't engage in a committed relationship until you know how to be in one.

 

Not once have I tried to justify this

 

Yes, you did with the bolded part above.

[Chi townD]

Why does it matter if we were married or not? He still did it.

 

And you made a choice to forgive him and stay. You made the choice to go ahead and marry him. You had EVERY opportunity to walk away and you would have a very good reason to do so and absolutely everyone would have understood your reasons why.

 

But, you did a very mature thing and you decided to forgive him. Well, now you're at a crossroads. Do you give your husband the same opportunity to forgive you? To see if he wants to stay married or to leave?

 

Here's the thing. You have to look at your entire relationship as the two of you building a house together. Your first date is when you started to lay the foundation of what is to be your marriage. After a peroid of time, you start building this house brick by brick, board by board and shingle by shingle. And it started to shape together as a pretty nice house. And both you and your husband to a wrecking ball to it with your infidelities.

 

Now, the both of you are standing in front of the wreckage. A lot of couples will just walk away from it saying, "screw it, to much damage has been done." BUT! some couples stay and clear some of the wreckage and decide that the foundation is still good. And they start to rebuild from the first brick, the first board. It's never going to be the same house that was there before. But, sometimes the new house can be BETTER than the one that was there before. Because they put in the effort to MAKE it better and stronger.

 

The question for you is, so your foundation still good enough to rebuild on?

[aed]

Btw, people on this board are very black and white when it comes to cheating. The guy could have beaten your kids and burned your house down and you'd still get flayed here for even kissing someone else. Just a warning.

 

Good luck.

 

When a HB did that, why the hell would you cheat? Because cheating is ****ing someone else and staying with your HB. When someone abuses a person you should walk away nothing less!

 

@ OP

 

You have to take responsibility because it was you that forgave your HB, and it was you that still married him!

 

It's only on you that you cheated. Not even when he was a bad person to you etc.

 

Be a adult and make a healthy decison. And when you choose to stay (be honest and tell), when you deside to divorce. You can chose 'not telling', and its even understandable. But be the better person and be honest and open..

 

A personal question: can you handle the thought of being alone and on your own for a while?

[Untouchable_Fire]

You said how would I feel if the roles had been reversed, well I have been there my h did cheat on me and got someone else pregnant and gave me a std! I forgave him totally.

 

You may have forgiven him... but it sounds like it kinda destroyed your marriage.

 

I think it would be best to go back to your husband and be honest with him. Tell him that even though you have forgiven him... it's just wrecked your love for him. Let him know that you have started an affair... and that it might be best to begin a divorce.

 

My overall point is this. Either pick KT or your H and pursue that relationship. Clearly you married while still having unresolved feelings for KT. Bad choice. Similarly I suggest you don't try to scamper off into the sunset with KT while having unresolved feelings for your H.

[toddles92]

I honestly say that you're both as bad as each other. Neither you or your husband had the guts to be straight forward with the other and say that the relationship wasn't working, and instead cheated.

Yes, he is scum for getting another woman pregnant and giving you an STD, but that doesn't, in the slightest, justify you cheating on him. You chose to forgive him, you didn't choose to be able to use it against him in the future.

If you want to be a decent human being then tell him what you've done. That is the only way this situation will move forward.

Also, don't say you're staying together for a child, because children are far smarter than you might think, and eventually the child will realise that you've put the weight of the world on his shoulders, and if somewhere down the track the marriage ended because either party simply couldn't take it anymore, the child will blame them self, and that blame will damage them for the rest of their life.

The only thing you can do for this situation to resolve itself is tell your husband, whether in marriage counselling or not, it has to be done. You both need to express your feelings on the matter, and be proper adults about it.

[Oberfeldwebel]

It is always best to end one relationship before you start another. What would you do if there was no KT in the picture? Would you stay or divorce? If the answer is yes, then that is what you should do. As for KT, I know that the road always seems to lead back to him, but you have never been in a serious relationship with him. I think that a little time apart will give you both a little perspective.

[julie64]

dont leave yr husband talk to him and tell him how u feel start the romance all over again u will be suprised x julie